ramona1993

Hello, Thank you for your kind words and understanding...I had the abortion because it was my mothers choice I was not old enough to make my own decision and it was illegal back then and so she took me to NY hospital and it was awful becuase I was 6 1/2 months pregnant and they put me on a materinaty ward, those images will stay with me for the rest of my life...but I don't blame my mom...she had a child at 16 and didn't want me to go through the same life...I never blamed her she did the best she could...also it may have been my stepfathers so there was a lot going on...I blocked the whole thing out didn't even know I was pregnant....I had no say in it..my mother took full control...and as a result I learned when an unwanted life happens inside you...u get rid of it ..adoption was not even discussed...sad right? Well, so as I said I can so relate to Judus and how he must have felt killing our Messiah. But, I do believe that child is in heaven and one day I will see him/her again.

I have thought about Judus a lot over the last couple of years.... unfortunately because I have gone through some deep depressions where I wanted to die and thought of taking my own life....wondering if I took my life would God forgive me and would he still love me..would it be the worst sin ever? I tried to take my life when I was 16yrs old after my mom took me for an abortion but God didn't want that for me. Recently listening to TBN I heard a sermon with Pastor Joseph Prince who commented that Judus' act was very selfish because Jesus died for his sins and that bothers me. First, because unfortunately, I have experienced similar emotions as Judus I'm sure...I mean....Judus was the one who handed over The Messiah to be killed...I would not want that on my conscience....I got pregrant at 16 yrs old and had an abortion and murdered a child..the ultimate sin and one of the Ten commandments that I did not keep...and that no one would let me forget....those sick people standing outside the clinic with little fetus's in their hands calling me a murderer.... as if my own actions didn't make me feel bad enough...my question to them now would be...WWJD??? that tormented me even more...I went home and tried to kill myself shortly after because in my eyes I deserved to die for having an abortion...I thought I committed the ultimate sin..... and felt I had to pay for it by killing myself....I was born and raised catholic and the God I was taught about was a punishing God...one who wanted me to pay for my sins.. So I think it is safe to say I can understand what Judus must have gone through emotionally. My unborn Child was like God to me.... and Judus must have felt even worst knowing he was responsible for killing God's Son....the savior of the world...I think I might have wanted to hang myself too if I was responsible for the death of the worlds savior! I don't think Judus really understood the impact of his actions until it was too late....since he truly believed Jesus would defeat the Romans and conguer them without violence...He knew Jesus could stop them with a word and I feel he felt that was what was gonna happen... I think he really believed Jesus would end all the violence once and for all through peace and power and he wanted so much for his friend Barbaras to change his violent ways and be a witness to Jesus's love and ways..and for Barbaras to follow Jesus like he was trying to do...Judus was a sinner like us all...I don't think he thought for one min Jesus was going to die and not help himself or not do anything to prevent his own death. He was naieve like Barbaras said and he was definitly blindsided! He didn't fully understand the purpose of Jesus' death and we know he didn't stick around for the ressecurrection.....so he didn't know that Jesus would forgive him and dying for the sins of all mankind.. Jesus knew he was gonna betray him and told him to hurry up and do what you must do...Jesus definitly loved him for who he was. I believe God chose Judus to be the one to send him to the cross and.without Jesus' death there would be no ressurrection and no saviour..sometimes we are dealt a hand we cannot forsee in life and don't know why we are handed the cards we get in life...but Judus was not all bad and he loved Jesus and wanted to lead Barbaras to him and would not have hung out with him for 3 1/2 yrs if he didn't belive in him....I am sure Barabbas learned alot from Judas and Jesus' life and death and maybe that was also in God's plan. Remember Barbaras asked why Jesus died in his place and said he never did anything for him...to show God's Mercy and love for sinners like Barabas. Had it not been for Judus Barabas would never have known Jesus...(The Messiah) died in his place willingly.. that had to have impacted Barbaras....I believe God knew Judus was gonna kill himself as well. God had to have known it was gonna kill Judus inside to be the one to lead the worlds savior to death....of course he forgave him he was the one who planned it... he knew before he was formed in his mothers womb right??? And when people take their lives..I'm sure they are not in their right minds and in so much pain..and agony that life becomes unbearable....God must have known that is how Judus was gonna react...it was not meant for Judus to live on...his sole purpose was to hand Jesus over to be killed and then him take his own life...we cannot understand God's ways all the time.. but it's far from selfish to me that Judus took his own life...it's sad that he saw no other way and wanted to end his life for his part in the death of Jesus. Our God is a Good God and if he can forgive the ones who actually hung Jesus on the cross and put the nails in..he certainly can, would and did I am sure forgive Judus for taking his own life.. .and really who was the one who came up with....if you take your own life your going to hell and God don't forgive you? Where in the bible does it say that? And Judus may have been the one to turn him over...but he was not the only one who betrayed him...he led him there but he didn't actually perform the cruxification..he was an accompliss.. .just like my mom took me to the hospital for the abortion and I laid on the table for the abortion...but the doctor was the one who actually took the child's breath away...so we three all betrayed God right? Didn't mean to get so graphic but this is my beliefs on the subject. It hit home. I am 57 yrs old and till this day that abortion haunts me...it took me till just recently to believe that I no longer need to punish myself and that God does forgive me through his son's death and ressecurrection...but back when I was 16 I don't remember being taught Jesus died for my sin on the cross.... that is why I tried to take my life so I could pay for my sin...like Judus ...he didn't fully understand about forgiveness and mercy because he didn't stick around for for the resserection....which was the most important part so he could be set free....he jumped the gun...he didn't know Jesus was gonna come back to life and forgive him...can anyone really blame him? But, he did feel bad and give back the money and his repentence unfortunately was hanging himself...let it be a lesson to us all that our God through his son dying on the cross forgives us for our sins!