HikerMom

Hi Larry 2,

I appreciate your thoughts!  It's rather complicated for me.  I know I need community and feel like the people I worship with think so differently that it is hard to connect or thrive.  I just started participating with a ladies study from another congregation.  We likely don't believe completely the same way but I feel much more in sync with them so far.  We'll see.  It's really about finding a more healthy group in my mind.  Usually the more involved I am the more  struggle with fear and the harder time I have trusting God.  And I've always felt uncomfortable bringing a guest due to what I see as legalism.  I'm not sure that people who are struggling can afford to be in a more legalistic environment.  Grace is like air!  Maybe my thinking is wrong, but I know God has a plan so we'll see what happens. 

No matter what, I will still continue to attend on Sunday mornings with my husband, though that is the limit to his involvement.  He doesn't want to move simply because he doesn't want to deal with meeting new people.  He is a doctor and it's always stressful because everyone wants him to see them medically, and he just can't do that unfortunately.  He doesn't have relationships where we are at  but doesn't want the stress of meeting new people and setting those boundaries again. 

For myself, I've recently walked through several years of insomnia after some very stressful life events that I was trying to solve rather than giving it to God.  Strangely enough, I was trying to prevent something bad from happening by praying intensely.  So intensely that I couldn't sleep which eventually led to a fear of not sleeping which made the insomnia intense!! I'm still not out of the woods.  Learning to trust God in a much deeper way has allowed room for God to heal me.  I can see His purpose for this insomnia though it is incredibly difficult.  And so I feel I really need the encouragement of being in a more healthy group.  But I have learned that God wants me to relax and let Him help me with that.   Thanks for the input!

Isaiah 64:4 talks about God working for those who wait for Him....Would anyone be willing to share a time that you felt God asking you to wait, how you knew that and what the end results were?

Thinking that one way to discern it is just to really immerse yourself in God's word when you are going through something.  Immerse yourself in Godly Bible studies, music, devotionals so that He can help you discern whether it's your own voice or His...I've been trying to figure out what God wants me to do recently about church.  Do I Visit another church or do I stay at mine.  I am trying to give it to Him and wait but reasons to go or not to go pop into my brain.  And I think that is still me trying too hard to figure it out on my own.  So this morning I listened to a devo on Ephesians 6 and the ladies were discussing standing still.  God seems to be saying to me just stand still and learn more patience....

I've been thinking a lot on this topic recently.  Sometimes it is hard to know what God's plan is unless of course a clearly right or wrong choice is before us.  In those other situations where we need God's wisdom,  I wonder how easy it is to think God is moving us in a certain direction when it could be our own wishes or our own thinking..so hard to know I think sometimes.  Maybe it is something I will just get better at distinguishing in time.  For example..so many times I hear of people thinking something is an answer to prayer and then it turns out very badly...

Thanks Wingnut...I am praying and hoping God will make the way clear to both of us.

For many years I have struggled with not being on the same page as our church.  Our church believes baptism is necessary for salvation and it seems to me that it leads to a very works oriented faith that has had a negative impact on me.   I would like to leave but my husband believes I will not find what I am looking for.  He doesn't agree doctrinally with our church either but doesn't want to go somewhere else and have to meet new people.  He also thinks there is no perfect church and so I won't be happy with what I find.  So my question is how should I handle this.  He is perfectly fine with me going elsewhere, he just won't guarantee to follow me.  I would love to hear some wise advice on how you would handle this if you were me.  Would you look for a small group to grow in to attend outside of this church and just go on Sunday mornings with him?  I can't see really throwing myself into this church like I would like to.  We have gone there 19 years.  I appreciate any thoughts.

Please share with me how you personally gain strength to face trials?

secretpossumcabal.....your advice sounds controlling and manipulative to me.  Similar to the silent treatment in some ways.  I don't think it would work.  Only God can change a person's heart.  For ourselves though, we can set good boundaries and not put up with abuse.  And if children are in this situation it will be worse if things don't change.  They learn either to abuse or to put up with abuse.  T o me, scripture is clear that we can divorce but only remarry if there was adultery.  I know God hates divorce but I really do think there are things He hates even worse.    

You are NOT an animal because you have same sex attractions.  God loves you very much.  As a parent of someone who struggles with this issue, I have done a lot of reading.  I have friends who have this struggle as well, and from what I know the feelings rarely go away but get much easier to manage.  You really seem to have so much shame over this which is toxic to you and will make it harder for you to not act on the feelings.  I love my daughter who struggles with this (and currently is in a same sex relationship) with every fiber of my being and would not trade her for anything in this world.  She has taught me MUCH even though she does not believe as I do ...for now.  And God LOVES you despite your struggles.  He loves you just as much as He would love you if you didn't have this temptation.  Hopefully you can find some help with this and one day will be able to minister to people that others who couldn't understand this struggle never could.....  Praying for you tonight!!

Praying for you tonight!  Praying God will help you get to the root of the anxiety and depression and get healing!!  God loves you sooo much!!

Saying a prayer for a soft heart for your wife this morning!

I agree with naominash.  But have you prayed regularly about it?  Just as encouragement I want to tell you that I was a very unhappy person when I married.  I know I was controlling.  No one could please me.  I was angry and took it out on every one around me.  I know it isn't an excuse, but I did grow up in a terribly abusive, alcoholic home.  I've worked through all of it with God's help and my husband and I have a terrific marriage.  He did finally put up some boundaries that forced me to rethink my behavior.  It humbled me and I slowly began to change.  

I strongly believe you cannot change another person.  My husband putting up boundaries made me think.  But I still had to choose to humble myself and change.  You can't force your wife to do it.  But you can set boundaries and call her out as naomi said on her abusive behavior.   Henry Cloud has some great books on boundaries and I think he has one on boundaries in marriage.  I would try to get counseling for sure even if you have to go alone so that you can get help setting boundaries.  It is the loving thing to do for her.  I am so glad my husband did that for me!

Saying a prayer for you this morning!

Thanks all...

SistersActs2...I appreciate what you said about finding something affirming to say as well.  I will pray for the open door.    Thanks you for praying for the insomnia.  I think I am doing a good job of letting go but also think that God seems to really be showing me each day that I have no control over it.  At first that is all I did was try to fix it.  God is showing me I can't...more and more.  I am trying to stay hopeful that He will heal me soon.  I don't FEEL hopeful always, but am trying to hang onto that hope.  It has been very, very hard to keep my faith through it.

Justin....I don't think it is a codependent relationship.  I know what that looks like.  I definitely am a fixer though of which I have to be careful.  I became frantic to escape my grief over this insomnia and so she was one of the people I asked to spend time with.  I feel very guilty over that because I think it wasn't fair to her.  I love her but the anger has always bothered me tremendously.  I am still in need of others to spend time with but I don't want to be unfair to anyone else.  It's not a reason to begin a friendship and I struggle to find like-minded people within my own fellowship.    People in our fellowship have alot of issues with slander.  They tend to compare themselves in a positive light with the world rather than comparing themselves to Jesus.  It's hard because my husband won't leave for his own reasons.  So I think God has me there for a reason.   

Anyway, I appreciate all the welcomes, the prayers and thoughts.

naominash...Thanks so much for your reply.  I have thought about the verse from Proverbs frequently.  As for a regenerated heart, our church teaches that baptism is the point of salvation, consequently, I think very often people feel they are ok and neglect the kind of transformation God wants.  I know you are right that her anger may be eventually directed at me.  But I do think I need to give her the chance by being honest with her.  I do believe God wants that from me.  But you are right....I don't want to risk becoming an angry person byt spending a lot of time with an angry person.  It was a very hard journey out of that place...blessings to you

Hi All,

I am new to the forum but wanted to get some advice.  I have a friend that I have known for about 15 years.  We started to get close when we first met...she is also a Christian and goes to my church.  I pulled away eventually because she is such an angry person.  The anger never poured out onto me but it does on her family and she has a very scoffing attitude towards everything in general.  For example, we recently went shopping and she got mad because an item she recently purchased went on sale for 5 dollars less.   "I hate this store," she said.  So I guess I would call her a massive complainer.

Anyway, over time many years ago, I pulled away over it.  It makes me uncomfortable especially when she seems to have and show such contempt for her family and other people.  On extremely rare occasions, we would get together but nothing ever changed.   Her family will never be able to live up to her expectations.  She thinks my kids (ages 20 and 22) are wonderful, but I know her expectations and she would really hate them as well.

Recently, we started talking again.  I feel guilty because I have been in such a needy place and started hanging out with her.  My own problem started two years ago when my daughter was suicidal.  I prayed so hard at night that apparently I was trying to control it and started jerking awake.  So I have had insomnia for two years and am still trying to cope and hope that God will heal me soon.  In the meantime, I have tried to be with people for distractions from the relentless depression related to this struggle....I've just been trying to hang in there.

But I feel guilty because once again, by keeping silent I feel like I am contributing to the problem and also it is just not good for me to be around her anger....I used to be so much like her.  I grew up in an abusive environment and left it an angry person.  My anger was destructive to my kids and husband.  But thankfully, God rescued me from all that and has redeemed so much in my life.  I have a wonderful, wise husband and two great kids.   

I need my friend right now, but I feel like I have to be honest or what kind of friend am I?  I can't stand by and see her abusive behavior and no speak up.  Kids are in such a powerless position..as I once was.  Adults must speak up.  I really just need advise on what, how, and when to talk with her...face to face?  at my house?  a letter?  

1to3 I read your advice to someone recently and thought it was very wise.  Anyone?  Prayers and advice welcomed....