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About HikerMom

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  1. You’re getting some good advice here and I hope you are listening. As for you “speaking truth” to her, you are still trying to be her parent rather than a partner. You can’t be th Holy Spirit for someone else. You need to be more humble. You need to work on your own heart rather than obsessively trying to fix her as you are STILL doing. Give up this control!!
  2. You are caught in legalism. You seem to know nothing about grace. You are missing a huge piece of what it means to be a Christian. Look at how Joseph handled the situation with Mary when he thought she had been unfaithful. You seriously need to learn what grace is.
  3. @onedirection The post you addressed to me shows you still trying to control or fix things. Women do not respond to a man "disciplining" them. You are supposed to be her husband and not her parent. That post made me think you are keeping score. Still, you need another counselor I'd say. Your boundaries are not great. You are still very controlling & it will harm your children just as it did your marriage. If you publicly humiliated your wife by revealing something true or not about her, then of course she'd be angry. As I've said before, you are too much in your head and not enough in your heart. I'm not sure I can help much more. You are being led too much by other people. You need to make your own decision. The good news is that whatever decisions you make, good or bad, God can work all things for good. Even the decisions that turn out to be bad. But sooner or later, you will have to make your own decision by faith. You & your kids are the ones that have to live with the consequences either way. God doesn't tell us always exactly what to do. We must walk by faith and trust God to help us with the outcome. And I definitely agree that TD Jakes is a prosperity teacher. He teaches some things that are very unscriptural. Try just spending time alone with the Lord. You will still have to make a decision. but I think it's likely you will make better decisions of you can spend some time being still & soaking in his word. Not for INFORMATION but for TRANSFORMATION & to help you understand God & his love for you and others better. The Bible is not as much a rule book as it is a revelation to us of who God is...of his heart & plans for mankind. Grace Community Church from Clarksville Tennessee has some of the best preaching I have ever heard. Their recent series is about faith, hope & love. It is an incredible series. If you have an iphone, then you can subscribe to their podcast. If not then you can listen online. You are relying too much on fallible human beings to make your decisions. Spend some time alone & try to make your own decision. Prayers...
  4. This just sounds like such a dysfunctional, unhealthy situation for the kids & I wouldn't want to keep my kids in it for long. I am suspicious of your wife's motives in all this. I didn't read the beginning of the thread but you do admit to treating her badly. I am glad you have decided to make changes but I don't see any reason for you to torture yourself or the kids living with someone who is cold as ice & has been neglecting the kids as you previously stated & seems to have no intention of trying to work things out. That sounds awful. When you say that God has "shown me the value of six months & Christmas as key milestones," I just don't believe God works that way. We walk by faith not by sight. We don't know the future. Yes, we should look at all our trials as opportunities to learn and grow, but I don't think that means you are expected to stay in this marriage. Your job is not to save anyone. Your purpose is to love God, to take care of your family & to be a part of His work on earth, to use the gifts that He has given you to help others and to further His kingdom on this earth. But it just seems like to me that your wife has made it clear that she doesn't want your help & that she has no intentions of having a real marriage with you. You can't save or change her. All this energy you are expending trying to figure it all out could be used much better to nurture & take care of your kids, yourself, and to serve God. It just seems like your wife has made it clear that it is over. As I said before, I am suspicious of her motives. Is it possible she is staying just so she has someone to financially support her? I don't believe her when she says she is staying simply so she will not hurt you or the kids. She's been hurting you & the kids almost constantly. I know that you have made many mistakes but you have been willing to go to counseling & to try to make changes. She has not. Henry Cloud has some a great books that might help you see where your responsibilities begin & end. Boundaries. He is a fantastic Christian psychologist. I also think you need a different Christian counselor. I don't believe preachers are usually the best at this. Is it possible that it is really pride and fear of judgement from other Christians that is keeping you in this situation? And by the way, I don't judge you for staying. Ultimately you are the one who has to live with the consequences of either decision. But I do think you are being given bad advice.
  5. I think the advice you are getting is ridiculous. And what your wife is doing is very, very strange. I feel badly for your kids in a home with all this turmoil. You are getting advice to put up with emotional & verbal abuse. From my experience, kids that grow up that way will either learn to abuse or to put up with abuse. Neither is good. This has to be affecting them emotionally. Marriage is MUCH more than just two people living in the same house. I've always been bothered when I hear of Christians counseling other Christians to keep kids in terrible situations because God hates divorce. I'm sure he hates abuse as well.
  6. @onedirection I think you are right. Your kids & you need to be out of this emotionally abusive situation. Prayers....
  7. @onedirection I have been thinking much the same as @Heybro. That she is trying to make you be the one to file for divorce for some reason. You may need to seek a lawyer's advice. My sister's husband did the same to her...not because of a custody issue (he really didn't want much to do with the kids), but because he wanted to play the victim. He didn't want to look like the bad guy for filing for divorce when my sister had just given birth to their second child. Then he was free to marry his girlfriend and say that his wife was the one who filed for divorce.
  8. @onedirection I feel sorry for her as well, but she has choices. Sorry you and the children are going through this. Praying for you all tonight.
  9. @onedirection So happy to hear you are letting go & finding peace. You don't have to wear yourself out trying to please her to get her to stay. You don't have to figure this out. I know it's hard not to know the future but it's in God's hands. I'm glad you are letting yourself off the hook to figure it out. I'm sure you are exhausted, and as you've said, it hasn't changed anything. You can be kind to her without killing yourself to be perfect. It wouldn't be spiritually good for your wife to have you as her slave or doormat. Being kind is one thing, but you will wear yourself out trying so hard to please her. And it's not good for the kids to see you become a slave to her. You can be kind and serve her without killing yourself. It just sounds exhausting how hard you have worked & I am SO happy to hear you are surrendering it to the only one who can change her heart... "Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit, " says the Lord Almighty. Zechariah 4:6 Keep resting in His great, great love for you--a love so great that He sent His son to die for you!
  10. Hi Onedirection, My thoughts are that it is worse for kids to be IN a broken home rather than FROM one. It sounds as if she is determined. If it were me, I'd let her go. I think you handled yourself beautifully. You are so right. You cannot change her. She will probably live to regret not trying to work things out. I am so sorry you are facing something like this. But if she is determined then I think your hands are tied. I have had two sisters go through this as well. They begged for counseling but their husbands refused & were determined. I would never, ever beg someone to stay that didn't realize my value. It's just another time of needing to let go I think. I think what she is doing is to you & to the kids is AWFUL. She has a husband who has wants to work to make things better, & she does not appreciate it at this time. Her heart sounds so very, very hard, and she sounds very misguided about what love is. I am so sorry & am praying for you.
  11. I personally do not believe in generational curses as God punishing us for our parent sins. But i do believe we feel the consequences of their sins & that it is very, very difficult to break sinful cycles in families. I try to reconcile scriptures like these with the Bible as a whole. I could be completely wrong but as the verses mentioned from Ezekiel & from the gospel about the man born blind say, I don't believe God punishes children for their parents sins. The verses do sound contradictory, but I have always been comfortable with not being able to understand everything I read in the Bible perfectly. I don't believe God punishes us any more. I believe Jesus took all out punishment. Yes, we face the consequences of our sins on this earth. And God allows us to suffer for our won growth, for testing, to glorify Him & in order to be more useful here on earth. I recently heard a quote in a sermon that "this earth is a soul-making machine." The sufferings we go through are to prepare us for heaven. But I truly believe we are under grace & that Jesus already paid the price & took our punishment on the cross.
  12. Glad you’re feeling a little better… it sounds like you’ve been grieving but also you sound so much more at peace… letting go and letting God is such a hard thing to do but we are powerless in so much & God is not. I think when we let go and give up control there is always some grieving that we do. I am glad to hear you putting your focus more on God instead of your circumstances. That will lead you to peace whatever the outcome is. So sorry for all you are going through... Saying a prayer for you tonight...God is able.
  13. on@onedirection....it's not about being clever...you are too much in your head analyzing & not enough in your heart. Put yourself in her position & try to understand her. It's not up to you to hold her accountable. She doesn't need a parent. She needs a partner. Sure you need to have good boundaries..but that is about protecting yourself NOT about trying to change her behavior in some way by holding her accountable. You cannot change her!! Henry Cloud has some great books called "Boundaries in Marriage." I just think you are thinking, thinking, & overthinking. Try just using your heart a little more. It is a big piece of what's missing for you....
  14. Hi onedirection..... I know you want to save your marriage but maybe you are making that an idol? Maybe I am getting the wrong impression but it just seems your focus is in the wrong place. You can't change another person. Work on yourself & your relationship with God & quit trying to change your wife. You can love her & respect whatever decisions she makes. It just seems like there is so much manipulation going on at times here in your actions & in some people's advice. You can't control how this turns out. You can love her & leave her free to make her own decision just as God gives us free will. And yes, I agree with Marilyn....what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart. You are bitter & demeaning & somewhat judgmental of your wife. She is trying to help you by being honest. I think you need to learn what love really is. Sometimes we are so broken from the way we were raised that we don't know how to love another person. Saying a prayer for you today.
  15. Hi Pinkbelt... I agree with Estrella and DebP.. I hope you will find a more Biblical church. The one you are involved with doesn’t seem to have sound doctrine at all. The truth is SO important. Jesus said the truth will set you free. Believing in lies can destroy your life. I don’t think any human being has Scriptire interpreted perfectly, but your particular church sounds way off and that’s detrimental to your relationship with Christ. We must worship in Spirit and truth. Sticking with God’s truth isn’t popular but his truth brings life both here and in eternity. As for the situation with your parents, I do feel for you. I did have to cut off communication with my father 10 years ago. The abuse was so horrible that I knew I couldn’t be a good mom and always be trying to recover from his abuse at the same times. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I’m not saying I think it’s the right decision in your case. I would say be careful and make sure you don’t have unforgiveness in your heart because it will spill over into all areas of your life if that’s the case. It seems to me that you are looking for validation of your decisions which indicates to me that quite possibly you don’t feel so certain about them? Saying a prayer for you!!
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