MOLI963

Hi. I am really heartbroken and I need advice. I am engaged to a Christian man, who is very good to me most of the time, but he can be very selfish at times and when I point this out and how it affects me when it happens, he gets very angry, and breaks up with me. Every single time there is conflict, he breaks up with me. Afterwards he always apologises and says that he did not mean it but even then it's like he doesn't realise how much it really hurts me. We have been engaged for over a year and I have noticed that every time I mention the wedding (for which we still don't have a date) he gets uncomfortable. The last time I asked him what he was waiting for he broke up with me as well and said I was pressurising him. Things got better and he started saying things like: "So when are we getting married, Love?", so he said things like that from time to time (to keep me at ease I suppose) but he never actually started discussing it with me or saving for it. Yesterday I told him that I suspect he is not sure whether he wants to marry me as he saves up money for a number of different things, but not for out wedding. He apologised and said he would start saving for that as well. It still bothered me that it's always coming from me and that there's no effort from his side. I carried on about it this morning (which I know I shouldn't have) but his words and his actions are just not matching up and I'm starting to feel like I might be wasting my time in this relationship, as he seems a bit scared to commit. And if this is the case, I need to get on with my life because if he is doubting it and just keeping me on a line, I probably shouldn't be in this relationship. I also mentioned something else to him that makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I need to explain the situation first. He has a four year old son with another woman, who lives in another country. Yesterday we found out that they (his ex girlfriend and son) are coming to visit us in three weeks for the first time ever. Over the past few weeks, when he has been speaking to his son (via video call) he has been mentioning how when his son comes to visit him, his son and his ex (the three of them) will have such a great time. No mention of me. So I told him that it kind of makes me feel left out and that it scares me a bit that we will be going back to the Garden Route when his son comes to visit. The Garden Route is about five hours from us and we are going there as his family lives there and he wants to spend the time with his son there so that he can also meet the rest of the family. The last time we went there, he wanted to move there. He told me to quit my job and start working for him and I did. When we moved, it felt like he shut me out. He was always with his family and I was left alone most of the time. I felt really lonely as I also did not know a single person there. After a while and a few arguments, he broke up with me and chased me away with no money, no job and no car. I came back to where we stayed before and had to start my life over. Eventually after a few months he came back and he says it was for me but I'm not convinced. He came back when the busy season started so I'm sure it was for his business sake. Anyway, I mentioned these things and he got really upset and told me that he was tired of me and that I couldn't go to work with him today. I asked him if I could please come with and he was just really mean. I cried and he broke up with me. He said that the thought if marrying me makes him nauseas. He said that he lied to me when he said he wants to marry me. He said that he is jeopardising his eternity because of me because I cause him to sin when I make him angry. As always, now he is very sorry and says he didn't mean it and wished he could take it back, but still won't allow me to talk about how it hurts me. It's like he just expects me to carry on like nothing happened after. I can't talk about how I feel because it seems to irritate him immensely. I love him so much and I have invested a lot in this relationship and if it's at all possible to help him see how much that hurts me I would like to try and save our relationship. And if there's anything I can do to make things better I am more than willing. But I fear I might be living in denial not wanting to accept the fact that he really just doesn't love me that much.