I got into Christianity properly about 2 years ago, before that I would remember God when I felt desperate, and go to church on Christmas and Easter. Unfortunately, since then, I’ve been trying to find a church. I’ve tried church after church after church. Everywhere I felt excluded and left out. It got to the point where I felt so alone at my last one, I would cry myself to sleep the night before I went every week. I have stepped out and talked to people, but I always feel the fake smile of “hi, how are you today?”, the typical politeness, and that’s as far as it would get. I’ve stopped going. It’s a good sign I guess, because no one’s followed up on me since I’ve left (I attended for 3 and a half months).
I don’t have any friends that seem deeply involved with Christianity, they’re I guess casual Christians. One of them defined their relationship with God as “distant, but I know He’s there” when I brought the conversation up.
Not only that, God’s been quite silent over the past couple months since I left that church. I’ve prayed honestly. I’ve read my bible with whatever diligence I have left. But honestly, I’m starting to not care much. I don’t want to read the bible anymore. I’ve looked up spiritual burnouts, and it just feels like people are throwing my problem in my face. “Sin might separate you, pray more diligently. Read the Bible more. hang on, God’s up to something. Get involved with a church community.” I haven’t found any good encouragement. I’m going numb, to the point where I don’t want to talk to God anymore. You might say it’s a bit like Job. I don’t see any solutions there though. And then there’s Joseph. I don’t have the strength to hope anymore. Rom. 8:28 is beginning to sound really annoying. And I don’t want to talk to God, because giving up on Him would be “sin” and “worldly thinking” and I don’t want to talk to Him about it, because He’s been mostly silent for the most part.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a support system that can help me in this situation, and my own resources are running out. And God’s mostly silent.
I’ve reached a point where I don’t care, I am spiritually and emotionally exhausted, and I can see that, which is why I’m writing out for help. Matthew 11:28-30 just seems like an empty promise at this point.
Any help would be great,
and if you don’t have any advice, could you please pray for me.
Thanks.
