worriedwife69

I appreciate all of the replies and advise. I am trying so hard to focus on God during the times he is so negative. I understand his fear, wondering if the cancer will come back, whether his nerve issues will get better, I totally understand how he must be feeling, he feels like his life is over that he will live in fear forever. I am trying so hard to trust God, but I have been getting so filled with anxiety and stress that my stomach always is in knots. What am I doing wrong, I pray I give it to God, I read his word but the moment my husband is down and crying and angry I seem so weak. Please pray for us. I did add a prayer request but for some reason I don't see it in the prayer requests so not sure what I did wrong. Thank you

Thank you everyone for all of you kind words and encouragement. It has been difficult for sure and right now it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel yet as more issues keep coming up. I do talk to him about his doubts about God and who he is and why these things happen and he listens but then it starts all over again but he did watch the move "left behind" last week with me and he seemed interested in it and hasn't really said much in the way of doubting God. I feel like I have let my own fear get in the way where it seems I'm not trusting God but sometimes it is very hard to not let that show.

My husband I'm not really sure is a believer, if he is he lacks faith and questions who and why God does the things he does, he is very angry with God for a lot of different things. He has had a lot of health issues over the last 25 years. Most recent he was diagnosed with colon cancer but it doesn't stop there, he developed something now with his nerves and he's been dealing with a lot of nausea. He is becoming so depressed and angry and just says he's tired of being here. I am very supportive, I love him and I do trust God but I do find myself in constant worry, fear I don't know if it's because they can't figure out some of the things wrong with him and I worry about his state of mind as we keep going to doctor and doctor and the frustration or if it's me lacking trust. It is so hard to remain strong and supportive and encouraging when he is none of that. How do I keep strong and remain positive when he is so negative and filled with anger and puts my belief in God down all the time?

Wow thank you so much for all of your support and advice, I look so forward to reading this each day as it really brings things to me that I can't see on my own. Marilyn I would love to talk on a more personal level, that would be nice. I see what you are saying about how the devil can work up schemes and every time I feel anxious and angered by all his increased sharing of research to her I pray, I do feel most of the time it being lifted from my shoulders but then sometimes in the back of my mind I get that anxious feeling of, he is in business working on bikes (not sure if you knew that) he works on many many bikes, that's part of his work, that's why it's hard for me to see why he would continue to "help" her when it was free, I work from home as well and I can't see me just "helping" someone out for free. I mean from the beginning she really wanted to "help" so she could learn and i see how he was just assisting to show her but then it wasn't just a quick thing either that's what bothers me. I know that when he does other jobs he will allow someone to help him when someone wants to learn and depending on the amount of work they do or who they are he will cut his price. I don't know I just can't help but keep from analzing the situation so I just keep praying. Thank you willa for sharing your husbands salvation story, what an answer to prayer boy do I keep praying but I have faith that he will some day. My husbands heart is so hardened towards God it makes it so hard, I need a miracle and God can do just that. I actually keep praying for my kids as well, they both are saved but neither are really walking with the Lord and we have a whole other story with our son that has put tremendous stress on our family and marriage. About the dirt bike riding he knows he can get hurt and he has thankfully nothing too serious but he injured his knee (not dirt bike riding) and all he kept asking me was why would God allow this, why didn't he stop me from hurting my knee, what am I now suppose to "praise" him because my knee is hurt? or he'll say things like so we praise God when good things happen and it's satans fault when bad things happen? It's difficult to hear these things and hard for me at times to always know how to respond as I'm still learning so much but I think I've been doing pretty good. Right after his knee surgery he was still a little out of it he said, so I suppose you prayed today while I was in surgery? I said well yes of course I did and he replied I'm just trying to understand. I kept thinking wow did he have some revelation while under anesthesia, why would he randomly ask something like that, and he was so calm about it, but he hasn't said a word since. Thanks again for all the wonderful Godly advise

Thank you Marilyn, I appreciate you thinking about me and my situation. Your advise is so incredibly helpful to me. I've been thinking a lot about what you said in your last post. I can't believe these issues are here after 28 yrs of marriage. I know these issues have always been there though it's one of those things that I have never dealt with an raising kids I think things just are different and then here our kids are grown it's the two of us again and it's different yet again after so many years. You are absolutely right that pretty much all of our years together have revolved around each other. I rarely ever did anything with a girlfriend as we always did everything as a couple. We had a sport we did together from our dating years up until around 1998 that's when he got into the dirt bike riding which at the time I couldn't even think about joining in with him as our kids were very young. He would go out both weekend days leaving me home alone with the kids, I started to resent it then which I was not seeking the Lord at this time but I felt I was raising our kids alone, I'm the one that took them to the zoo, the park, or whatever, he rarely did these things. It came about when our daughter was about 5 or 6 when she started asking why daddy doesn't go and do these things. It hurt so much to hear those words from her. Although she is VERY close to him now and she's almost 26. I just kept thinking well least he's dirt bike riding and not out partying, or drinking I tried to justify it, but the resentment did build. Then our kids got old enough where they could ride so we all took up the hobby, went camping we would do our "family" rides and he would do his guy rides, I did not love either of these things although I didn't hate it either it was a fun family thing. Then things changed again, our daughter married and we sold our trailer and my husband cut back to riding one day a week if that. He really enjoyed me going with him (I think because he didn't really have anyone else to ride with anymore) but I went and enjoyed our time together. That's when last year he met these other riders and he just got all pumped up about riding all over again and now that's all he talks about. He wont be able to ride for a year because of his knee surgery and that's all I hear. Here we are today and I do feel lost, I don't have many friends that I can really call and do anything with, I don't have really any hobbies away from home, I do crafting and stuff, but when I'm here he acts like he doesn't like if I"m doing something else when he's here not doing anything. Same as when I go to church, he says I'm taking time away from him, yet he can leave all day dirt bike riding and he doesn't see the difference, although when I do hang out with my daughter or someone else (on that rare occasion) he's fine with it so I think the church issue is because he doesn't understand it doesn't like it and it's new to him me going. But I do know I need to find something I can engage in I have interests but they would be things with my kids, hiking I love going to the beach (my husband doesn't like to do these things) although beach isn't really a hobby lol. I just still am having such a difficult time with all of this, I pray and pray and keep asking God to help me through this and I feel fine for awhile UNTIL he messages her again. Last night he excitedly told me that he messaged her to see how her bike did over the weekend, he said I think I got her bike jetted right, I said oh that's good, he continued to tell me their conversation (I hadn't seen it as I don't go on facebook too often), I asked if he was done with all of it and he said, I think so for now anyways, I asked oh what do you mean? (and I wasn't asking in any concerning way just in the conversation calmly, nicely curiously), he said I guess until she has further questions. I said oh I see. Then I asked him again which maybe I shouldn't have but it again was calmly and no arguing but said I guess I still don't understand why you have taken such an interest in helping this particular woman and for free? I said I have never known you to go through such great lengths and for free to just keep helping someone? he said well it just makes me feel good to know that I can help someone out, I said but you have plenty of other people that consult you and you don't do this much research and for free, all he could come up with was one guy recently he helped out. So I don't know if he feels helpful just because maybe he figures a guy could figure it out on his own where he feels a female wouldn't know what to do? I don't know. But again he sent MORE information after all of this. I didn't say anything but I just have this feeling this woman will be here a lot with him just doing all this work on her bike for free and with her, plus maybe even riding with her in their group. I don't know. I did ask why her boyfriend doesn't help her out because I said he has a bike and works on it, I said it seems like it would be the same as if I said ok I know you are a mechanic (which he is) but I said I want Bob to help me and show me how to do this on my car, he said ok that would be fine (which I doubt ) but anyways he claims he isn't very good mechanically even with his own bike, he tries but has blown things up. Boy I just need to keep praying and pressing closer to God through all of this.

Thank you, can you also pray for me about my anger and resentment with his dirt bike riding in general? Although I go with him from time to time, he literally makes me feel like he doesn't even like spending time with me like its more of a duty. No conversation can never be without dirt bike riding coming up, all he talks about is how he wants to go. We have a vacation planned next month and not once has he said, I can't wait to go, or it will be fun nothing just when are we going again? So please pray for me with this too as it has really been building up lately inside the hurt I feel.

Thank you so much for sharing your husbands words of wisdom. I agree that these are my issues, please pray for me to work through these things and to not hold anger, bitterness and resentment in my heart towards him because of his lack of understanding my feelings on things, that is a really hard one for me so please pray for me. I have the attitude, well if's he's not going to care then why should I, or if he's not going to enjoy things I like then why enjoy things and be happy about things he likes. So yes I need to work on this and just show him Christ through me because I do know that I am not doing this right now and his salvation is very important to me. Thanks again everyone for walking and seeing me through this, I don't have anyone to talk to about this so it's very helpful to have others in Christ help me through and pray for me.

Thank you Marilyn for sharing with me. I know that's my husband personality and he enjoys helping people with something that is his passion and maybe that's where my jealousy comes from the fact that although I do ride dirt bikes with him, I"m probably not as good as this woman, I can take it or leave it and have no interest in "working" on my bike, although my hubby just has always done it, I do help him a lot because he needs "two" hands sometimes but dirt bike riding is his passion and it's hard not to feel jealousy or bitterness and resentment to the fact that that is all he talks about, he could care less to do anything I enjoy doing, like I love the beach, I don't necessarily enjoy walking for hours on the beach but there are certain areas I like to go, but he does not like the beach and wont go along with other stuff, dirt biking is all he talks about. I took up dirt bike riding because I wanted to spend time with him even though I have never loved it, he just flat out will say no I don't want to do this or that with things I want to do. He will say things like, if I can't ride I have nothing to live for, that is hurtful, he has me, his kids. I'm sure he doesn't mean it like that but it hurts .Plus I get what you are saying about appreciating him and he's being helpful ect. but I just rarely ever see him do so much research for someone like he has for her when he hasn't been paid to work on their stuff. Again, I'm sure the enemy is instilling a lot of these feelings I"m pressing closer to God through this. I'm really trying. Thanks again for sharing with me.

Thank you Marilyn, I have been praying so much about this. I know this is a sin but I find it very hard to "show" him love when he acts like he just doesn't care or even want to listen to my feelings, I guess deep down I feel like if he thinks I approve of it then he'll keep going further with it. I have been really seeing how he has been acting nice to me, going out of his way to help me which is my husbands non communicative way of showing me he loves me, but he needs me right now because he just had knee surgery a week and a half ago. I'm praying thank you again. I know satan is going to try and get me to see all the bad

Yes I have been praying faithfully for his salvation for 3 1/2 years. I do have others praying as well, but I don't have a lot contact with christian women around me because he doesn't even like it when I go to church therefore I highly doubt he would let me join a womens bible study. But I do put him on my churchs prayer list all the time. I agree but as others have maybe suggested that this might be my issue, my insecurity that I have to deal with that's what I'm trying to figure out. Is he stepping beyond an appropriate boundary or is he just simply being a "nice" guy? That's where I am very confused, I don't want me and any of my insecurities make the wrong choices. I've been praying and praying. thank you

I'm feeling so worried and stressed about this. Again today out of the blue he did yet MORE research on her bike and gave her more information offering to order under his account new jets and needles for her bike. So of course she said yes. I would understand all of this way more IF she came to him and he worked on her bike and she was paying him, but he helped her for FREE and is doing all of this for FREE. I simply asked why and that I felt really uncomfortable about it, he thinks it's stupid that it's bothering me because I can see everything they are talking about, he said he is simply trying to help her jet her bike right. I explained I understood that IF she were paying him but he's doing all of this for FREE. He just got angry with me. I don't want to start something that isn't there and he's right I can see everything I just feel and maybe it's my issue and stemming from his cheating that he feels "good" that he's helping a female out and she enjoys working on her own bike I don't know. I'm just feeling so anxious right now. It doesn't help that I can't even talk to him and that he just gets mad so I have to stuff it inside yet again. why am I not seeing God helping me through this? am I not listening, is it me?

Thanks for all of the great advice. Over the past week I've just really been praying about this and thinking about all the different advice given here. I think it all boils down to a lot of issues in our marriage that we have "swept" under the rug. My husband does not and has never like to talk about issues so his resolution always is ok sorry it's all over then we move on but deep down nothing was ever taken care of until the next time it comes up. It's always been an issue in our marriage that if anything comes up he doesn't like discussing he gets angry (he has never hit me but has a temper and has thrown things) so out of fear our kids we see something I would drop it. I'm not saying that I was nice either, I was angry although I never threw anything. Our marriage was good when there were no conflicts but when there were it was rough mostly because I always felt we never resolve anything I also was not serving the Lord at the time either so I wasn't seeking him during those times either. We hit a really good point in our marriage about 8 years ago, things have been really good, and really even better since I rededicated my life to the Lord. Coming to this issue with this female, I see what everyone is saying and I'm really trying to see this as my issue because I do think in part some of it is, but I think what angers me is 2 things, the hurt that he doesn't even talk to me about what is bothering me about it just says, there is nothing wrong with it and moves on with no care of my feelings, however, he puts down my faith all the time, doesn't like when I go to church and gives me a hard time, I have even said fine, I wont go today even though I really want to, plus my parents who are believers push a lot of religious stuff on us, my mom will give us, books, literature just all kinds of stuff, my husband gets very mad and says she has no business pushing that on anyone, agree to a point she over does it and I have told him that, this causes arguments and stress in our marriage for fear they will bring something over. So I told him that I would tell her out of respect for him to please not do push this right now but prayers are welcome, but he says then it makes him look like the bad guy, he basically wants me to see his point that she over does it and wants me to agree so it is coming from me that it's too much, I agreed and said I would do that out of respect for him. I care about his feelings and feel that's the right thing to do that's what bothers me about this is he can belittle me, my faith, what I think is right and I even stopped praying at the dinner table because he doesn't like it (he was fine with it before), yet he seems to care less about how I feel about this. I feel like he is going too far with their conversation, he helped here here for almost 2 hours, for free. Since then, he keeps "researching" her bike and sending her information. He keeps asking her every time she rides her bike how it ran (because she is still trying to fine tune the jetting), so he spent time searching a dirt bike group he is in about someone having the same issue with their bike but fixed it, so he searches for it and then sends it to her. I just feel like he's going beyond being nice. Now my husband is a friendly guy and he is well known to a lot of people including the group she rides with, so I don't know if he's just trying to be extra helpful because he knows all of the people and he feels like if he's not they'll have a different opinion of him or if he's just "enjoying" the fact she's a female working on her bike and is like the attention. This is causing some issues in me because of all the resentment I guess I've built up and the hurt that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings and bring in the fact he wants to control my faith (which he literally makes it seem like I'm having an affair with my faith) it's been really hard for me to show him kindness, I've been really pushing away the last few weeks a wall is going up, I feel like I've been thinking of divorce a lot satan is having a hay day with me. I just feel so overwhelmed with so much.

Thank you that makes perfect sense. I thankfully do not think he would "cheat" on me physically again and I do know this is my heart issue more than his. I am just going to go to my Lord and Savior and seek guidance from him and lay this all at the foot of the cross. I think that also it something adding to this is my husband is not a follower of Jesus Christ and that really has put a wedge in our marriage, not from me but for some reason my husband seems to feel this, and I do not put it in his face either, I may simply say wow the Lord really was here during this or that. Anyways thank you so much for your insight on this.

Thanks again for the advise. I don't have issues with being friends of the opposite sex on social media, I mean we are friends with some females that he knows more than I do but we also know their spouse as well. They just don't "interact" between the two of them, there are guys i know more on our facebook same thing we know their spouse as well, but I do not interact with them on messenger either about anything either. I do agree with you that policing is not helping anything and that is the LAST thing I want to do it police anything. I just know that there are healthy boundaries that marriages should follow. For instance I have been in situations where a man had to bring a woman in the same room so we were not alone ect. But again I don't know where that fine line is. I guess for me, I would not just go over to some married man's house and spend time with him alone for any reason, I would make other arrangements. I thought my husband was on that same page but apparently not.

Thank you, I agree that it definitely is something that hasn't been fully healed even though I thought it had. That's where I am confused is what is appropriate boundaries/social boundaries in any marriage? or are they not all the same?

So yesterday was the day she came and he "helped" her with her bike. When she arrived he asked me to go out there so he could introduce us which I thought was nice. I felt weird doing that but he insisted so I did. It took them an hour and half opposed to the 30-45 min he told me it would. I could hear them laughing (not that I was listening but my business is right here in the home and I can hear and see what they were doing) so I can pretty much guess that they were talking about riding and trails and stories which I don't know I feel again maybe casually asking simple questions, where was your race, how did you do, but not going into depth about riding, but I don't know for sure though I do know that when they were done, she loaded her bike and they stood out there talking for about 15 min so again, I don't know how to view it anymore. I did pray and pray and really felt God release me from the anxiety and was thankful he wanted me to meet her and he didn't take her out to the shop where all of our bikes are, he did tell me that he showed her how to do it and she wont have to bring it back again (although she seems to message him over alot of stuff about her bike so I feel it's not the end, my husband gives way more info that needed in my opinion) He said she brought up how everyone out in the riding group talks about the bike he built for our daughter, I'm sure he told her what he did to it but he didn't go show her. I also want to add that I do dirt bike ride with my husband as well, for me I'm not passionate about it like he is it's just something we did as a family for a long time, I just don't do the type of trails he likes to do so when we go we do our ride or family ride as we used to call it but our kids are grown and they don't go anymore as much then he will do his ride. I don't go all the time either. Someone asked if I was just upset he was going out for the day leaving me here and that's further from the truth I actually enjoy a day some times "alone" not in a bad way but we both work from home and see each other 24/7 lol. I know that his job he has to interact with women alone I get that but he doesn't help them with their cars or whatever. I also was a little upset that he didn't charge this woman either yesterday and whenever on the rare occasions he's had someone help him work on their car he just gives them a discount not do it for free. Again, I don't know how to view this. I hope I didn't give too much info

Well based off at the time before finding out, no I probably would not have been upset by it, although, we have always have had some boundaries in place of how we would interact with the opposite sex. It's really kind of complicated but back to our dating years (we were very young) he crossed the line a lot going out behind my back yet he was very controlling of me where he was extremely jealous and I barely as much as could look at a guy, not to mention he took advantage of the curfews in place for me as a 16 year old. But yes I still married him because after a breakup when I was done with it at 19 yrs old from him for a year he insisted he changed he seemed to our relationship seemed better (at least I thought at the time) but going into our marriage everything seemed pretty well other than he was still controlling and has a temper so whenever anything is pointed at him he gets angry yet at my job if a guys was in the office with me alone at work he would flip out, there wasn't anything I could do about it, I was a bookkeeper that's where the managers did their stuff but he still got angry yet he would joke around with the females at his work (we worked same company just different buildings and different times) and I didn't have an issue with it. Anyways after our kids were born everything seemed great, I never suspected he cheated during that first year of marriage (he claims it was only once but I have never been quite sure I believe him) but I trusted him. When he started dirtbike riding in around 1999 he used to go all the time with another guy and his wife, I had no issues with it. Then we started having issues after his mother passed away in 2004 and things got really hard and I don't even remember how it came about but I felt he had continued a relationship with one of his past relationships, that's when he told me about his cheating. I guess what hurts is that he see's nothing wrong with it, or doesn't even want to hear my concerns and blows it off, but when he's had concerns of something I make a point to talk to him about it, comfort reassure ask what would make him feel comfortable ect he wont do that, it's just what it is. He insists he wouldn't be uncomfortable if the tables were turned and I know he would because he makes comments all the time about who I meet at church or talk too at other places men could be. I don't want to make it sound like our marriage is horrible, it's not, although communication is a huge thing, he still gets angry can have a temper, and yes I have said things that aren't nice too. But usually I've learned over the years to tell him how I feel and drop it because if anything more is said he can just get mad.

I don't think she thinks she's being disrespectful but by all the photos that she tags with all the guys my husband knows it seems that she hangs with the guys a lot. Her boyfriend to one of the guys my husband knows is very recent like a week ago according do facebook, (it comes up in our feed since we are friends with her boyfriend on facebook), my husband doesn't know him well but has ridden with him a few times.

Oh finally I can reply to comments, I figured out I needed to have additional posts. Thank you for your reply. I really like what you said that maybe it's more about something God is bringing something to the surface that He wants to heal in me. The thing is I'm confused over my feelings of this bothering me for good reason OR is it something me myself needs to work through. thank you so much for your encouraging reply. I've been thinking a lot about what you said, that he isn't hiding anything and I know what he's saying and doing. I guess what bothers me is that he chose to work on the bike with her alone. I feel that he should not do this with his past. I would never interact with another man alone even if my husband was in another room. But again maybe this like previous poster said that God is bringing this to the surface to heal me. Our marriage things don't ever seem to get "resolved" things seem to get swept under the rug. The hard part about this is that my husband sees nothing wrong with it and I get that maybe there isn't but he gets upset when I go to church, not always but a lot of the times and has told me that he has no idea who I interact with there and has asked me if other men have talked to me, but he denies he is bothered if I was with another man alone. I feel he says he isn't because he knows very well and is confident that I wouldn't therefore he can't compare. I agree that it is a dangerous thing but I also don't want to distrust him over everything either. I think I would definitely have issues if I wasn't here and they were here alone, or if he was going to her house to do it ect. I agree that past relationships should not be in our lives at all and they are not.

Hello, I am new to this forum and am seeking some advise. I have been married for 28 yrs. I rededicated my life to the Lord about 3 1/2 yrs ago. My husband is not following the Lord and has no interest. Back when we first got married my husband cheated on me. I never suspected but found out about 10 yrs ago, it was a very difficult time in our marriage but we got through it and we have had good marriage since and have not ever suspected him of cheating ever. We do have ups and downs but for the most part it has been good other than he puts down my faith a lot because he blames God for a lot of stuff in his life, medical issues. Anyways to the problem, my husband works from and and is also an avid dirt bike rider. He rides with a lot of different groups. About 2 years ago he started riding with a few guys and from this he has met a lot more riders that these guys know. About 2 weeks ago he was put into contact with a female friend rider of one of these guys, through messenger on facebook, so basically a conversation was set up, she needed advise on her bike and my husband has worked on some of these other guys stuff in the past. My husband and I share a facebook page so I see everything they are saying to each other. I had no problem with this. She immediately sent a friend request, which I thought was weird because we (he) doesnt even know her, just because you have a conversation with someone doesn't mean you need to be friends on facebook, anyways the request sat in the notifications for a few day until I deleted it. My husband became angry with me saying that was a slap in the face to her and why I would do that, I said I didn't see any reason to accept it since we don't know her. I don't know if he was so mad because he claims she can see it was deleted or if it's because he knows most of the guys she does. So they discussed her bringing her bike over for him to work on, she asked if she could help and my husband said no because he had other jobs to do, so she ended up saying she could probably do it herself and they spent the next week corresponding basically her asking questions and him helping her through this repair. Well then after she did this she needed something else adj. she was talking to him about this but my husband said it's too hard to just walk someone through, so he gave her our number so she could arrange to bring it. She called and during the conversation it was evident she wanted to know how to do this so my husband said he would show her how to do it. It will probably take 45 min . So I became upset that he would actually work on the bike with her, I didn't understand this as shops don't show their customers how to repair their bikes. He said that he will show her and she wont have to bring the bike here again. My biggest concern is now that they "know" each other, she is going to start riding in his group when they go riding, he insists that wouldn't happen but I find that very hard to believe since every single guy he has ridden with knows her well and rides with her all the time. He says it has never happened over the last couple of years, I explained maybe either luck or that since she didn't "know" you she didn't go. Her boyfriend is someone my husband has ridden with as well. I just feel very uncomfortable about that having females in the group however I don't want to seem like a jealous person and make a big deal out nothing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there anything wrong with married men associated with unmarried women in groups? I just know that I would not feel comfortable doing it. He just never rarely "shows" people how to fix their bike, I'm not saying he never has but it's rare, I don't know if most people just don't want to and she does or what. Please any advise would be great