... and then lying about it.
Hey all. I'm a christian and have been for about 15 years now. I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd be facing this temptation, but I am. I just need to talk to some fellow Christians about it, but don't want to talk to the ones that I know because it may impact my ability to serve at church and the like. So diving right in:
I have a well-paid job but it's casual, and I have long stretches of unemployment. I've discovered my workplace is very... porous. People are trusting. Doors are unlocked. There's no security cameras. There are thousands of people at this work place including clients and professionals and the like. It's easy to steal things.
So far I've stolen a few people's credit cards. I don't want to steal from my colleagues. I don't want to steal at all. But my spouse works so hard and try as I might I haven't been able to get a more stable position. So I stolen two credit cards, but I haven't used them yet. My 'victims' have probably found them missing and cancelled them now, which is fine. I just couldn't bring myself to actually use them because I don't want to be a thief (I'm already a thief). I don't want to spend their money (but I won't be, because VISA has a no liability policy so they agree to pay for stolen transactions). I know I've already inconvenienced people as it's horrible to go shopping or whatever and then realize you don't have your card. I know I'm risking my livelihood because if someone sees me then even my casual employment is over. It's not worth the risk, but then when I'm not praying or reading the bible, when I'm lying awake with insomnia, or I'm thinking about how unfair it is they won't give me a permanent job, I think of how easy it would be to get another credit card and use it to fill up my car or buy groceries for the week, or get my spouse a nice birthday present. Then I think about looking at at my spouse's present on a daily basis and I balk at the idea of looking at what I have stolen day in and day out. I swing back and forth.
I have repented but then I have turned back and done it again. I feel like if I don't speak to people then this cycle will wear me down and I will give in. I could lose everything (I could reach my goals so much faster). Money isn't important, but I give so much thought to it because we're so close to needing help. We can get help from family members but they're under financial strain too. It wouldn't be fair on them.
But stealing isn't right. I've read the bible. It's one of the ten commandments (but I'm only stealing from a corporation, not individuals). It dishonors God. I think to myself, "When God made the ten commandments, you couldn't steal from corporations," as if that would make it ok. Of course it doesn't! And I've still stolen from people... so why not do it again and actually profit from it?
This is the junk that goes on and on in my mind.
So myeah. Any support or advice in this area would be much appreciated. Prayers too. Anything. It's really hard to fight this alone, but if I tell people, then there goes their trust for me.
God bless all.
