Hi everyone.
Several months ago, I realized that I may not be really saved. There were just things that didn’t add up in terms of my experience compared to what the Bible says and what I saw in other Christians. I was also angry with God because I felt restricted by rules I’d been following that I thought were from him that might’ve just been legalism.
I started praying a lot and reading the Bible, but eventually I got even angrier with God because it seemed like nothing was happening and also these legalistic rules had increased dramatically. I felt like I couldn’t move without sinning. If it helps you understand, I lost a significant amount of weight because I felt I couldn’t eat much due to these rules.
I had already had intrusive thoughts cursing at God in the past, but I was so angry that I cursed at Him myself in the heat of the moment many times. I felt bad afterward and apologized and asked for forgiveness, but it kept happening. I think because I knew that the Spirit is the one who does the regenerative work that I was upset about not seeing and because I thought these rules were from Him because He convicts us of sin, I even cursed at the Spirit. This wasn’t premeditated, it was very much in the heat of the moment, but I did it many times over the course of time and was very angry with Him in general. I think because I’d read the passage about the unpardonable sin and was afraid of committing it, I even had angry thoughts (that I 100% do NOT believe) at Him that were similar to what the Pharisees said. I quickly apologized for these and asked for forgiveness, but it may be too late for me. I will say I don’t think I would’ve ever thought to think it if I hadn’t read that passage. I don’t know if that matters.
Anyway, I am feeling utterly hopeless. I have been terrible toward Him, and I don’t know if I can ever be saved. I’d really like to hear people’s thoughts on this. Also, if you think I can be saved, I need to know what to do from here because I prayed and read the Bible and tried to seek earnestly for months, and I feel so far away still.