Hello! My name is chance. ? I have been struggling with my faith for quite a while and I have noticed a problem. Every time I try to get closer to God, I get overactive scrupulosity. That’s the word people use for it. But, in all reality, it’s basically an extreme form of religious OCD. The way this works is, I am drawn by the profound Grace and merciful love of our Lord God. Then, I start off well. It’s not perfect, far from it, but I begin to study the scriptures, Read the Bible, pray, praise God, and follow God’s commandments for us. Sin decreases and at times, almost vanishes I am filled with many things, like love, joy, peace, patience...it just gets better and better at the same time, my mind slowly transitions into “there’s got to be more. I’m not doing enough for God. I still struggle with_______. Maybe I need to _______more. I, I, I,...I get obsessed with how I can be more perfect, rather than trusting in God. But, it seems like I can’t control it very well. I go from filled with peace to being filled with doing. But I just feel like I’m not enough. Even worse, I can get really close to God, and my OCD starts acting up. I concentrate heavily on the Old Testament laws(which is hard not to with scriptures like “we establish the law”, “until heaven and earth pass away, not a jot or tittle shall pass from my law”, and the verse in Isaiah about how in the new Heaven and earth, those who eat swines flesh and other abominations will meet their end. And it even talks about the sabbath being kept. Which, I don’t mind but the Old Testament has so many laws. How can I possibly keep them all. If those ones aren’t done away with, why would the others be?
I get caught up in ritual hand washing and cleanliness to the point where I try to keep clean and keep the laws and it destroys my faith then, there is the worst verse in the Bible for someone with Severe OCD. “Whatever is not from faith is sin”. Because of the interactions with this verse in my mind, I can barely follow God. Everything in my life becomes “is this a sin?” To the point where I feel guilty for the color of shirt that I wear, the food that I eat or eating at all(like if I fast, enough is never enough. Even after days, I feel like eating anything is so sinful, when I feel at the same time that it’s not), the types of food that I eat, what I do, everything, practically. To the point where it takes me like an hour to pick out a shirt because I’m not sure which one God would approve of. Like, red or blue? Or green? Or grey? And it puts me in turmoil. And it’s like that with everything. To the point where I don’t even want to bother trying anymore. But then it says that if you just do it anyway, you are damned, if it goes against your conscience. That gives me very bad anxiety and depression. But then I’ve heard that it’s a sin for me to feel these, even though I have diagnosed mental illness. Then I’ve heard that Mental illness doesn’t really exist and I’m only that way because of sin in my life. I’ve even heard that the medicine I take for these things is just “ear tickling” because I don’t want to give up sin. And that medicine is sinful. Which make it worse because then I’m up medicated and I just want to be able to live without mental illness so that I can follow God. And whenever I seek God, that’s when, eventually, these things get worse. That’s why I wanted medicine, because it would help me follow God without hinder an even from my own mind. But I can’t take it I’d I doubt it isn’t a sin. Which I definitely do now. So, because of this, I’m not even sure if seeking medical care for ANYTHING is a sin. And I have a lot of medical conditions. Which people say are just weak faith or the result of sin, or a punishment from God. So, now, I feel like everything I have is because I’ve done wrong. And I see everything that happens to me as a punishment from God. Which really hinders my faith. Plus, even if all this wasn’t the case, in the law, it says that pork is a sin. Well, gelatin is derived from pork and used in many medicines, so I feel guilty taking them anyway.
Eventually, it gets to the point where I fall away, for a time, into the world, until God brings me back. It’s a cycle that makes me doubt even my salvation. But I just want to follow God. How can I if I’m in utter confusion? I don’t know what to do, but I know to keep seeking Jesus and that’s what I do. I hope God has mercy on me. I hope God understands. And takes pity on my soul. I am relying on God for salvation. But I still doubt my salvation.
So, I am asking this here, in the hopes that someone ,Ishtar be able to help me. Anyone. And anyone who answers me, know that I really appreciate it. Thank you.
God bless you! ?
