cutiepie1497

thanks...I have 4 published.....I usually only write when I'm lonely, sad, depressed, etc. I am not one to express happy feelings lol it only makes me think of rainbows and butterflies, ick! lol gives me the creeps. but thanks, that means a lot to me. I have wrote a new poem in over a year....but I have all summer to write, that excited me! I do think I write pretty good, and I love reading! I read at 11th grade level in the 5th grade and well, now I read on the level of a sophmore in college...I guess my brain cant take much more! lol

thanks, i was hoping it would. I thought i lost those poems until I found them last night

Here's a few poems that I have recently come across that I have written awhile back. I think they speak for themselves, if not just tell me and I will tell you what going on. A Hurting Girl A girl who hurts constantly, She is faced with many decisions, Decisions she struggles with. It

what career do I want to have? either a psychcologist or a biology teacher.

the hard thing is my family never believe i had/have it, even after the counselor told them. they just bring it back in my face when we argue "you faked an eating disorder!" i swear i dont know how many times they have thrown that one in my face. ive had to question it myself but it always come backs to the same thing. i DO have it, i have to live with it every day of my life and no one knows how i feel. not whem mom calls herself and fat and goes on diets, which she needs to, ses overweight and is having cholesterol problems. not when my friends talk about how fat they are when they dont even have fat on their bodies, etc. i hate comparing myself to girls......ugh. its getting old. only one person believed me, my youth pastors wife. she helped me a lot. i guess one reason they didnt believe i had it is because it hit its peak on a week long mission trip and i couldnt eat hardly anything, at all because the smell and watching the people eat made me sick to my stomache, literally. i can no longer even eat bacon because i remember that. she was mu support that week and while i suffered physically. and i gues they dont like that i confidd in her and not them, im not sure. anyways, yeah

okay so mom wants me to get an outfit for church....because i had just wear jeans and a tshirt like ive been doing. but she wants me to fit in with all the other grls and how cute they are on sundays, gee thanks. but get this since my sister wears a size 5 and has outgorwn all of her skirts she will probably get like 4 or 5 outfits, i get 1 because ive stayed the same size for like 2 years! how is that fair? ummm, its not!!! i swear everytime destanys grows she gets like 5 new outfits and i always get 1 because i stay the same! ugh....it makes me want to scream its not even fair to me, oh, and i weigh 88.5 today! im excited!

im fatter today than i have ever been in my life! this is getting depressing. oh well, this summer I am going to hit the gym for 2 hours a day or so and i will hopefully lose 5-20 pounds. i weigh 89 pounds today,

how am i doing? I feel lik the scum of the Earth at the moment. Everyone who knows me is so fooled right now, I think I can cover anything up. I have been to counseling for anorexia and bulimia and in the end she said i was making progress but not enough and that she could no longer help me and wanted me to either go to a psychologist or go to inpatient treatment, which I would never do because they balanced out and it didnt result in but a few pounds lost in the end....ugh. I just need to stay busy. I quit my job 2 weeks ago because it with church and friends and school was just too much, I will hopefully get a job next year or this summer, who knows. The money was nice, but I have like $1100 for school clothes, so I am good to go right now. Thanks for all of your encouragement. Its funny, in a bikini, if I lift my arms straight out in front of me so they dont block my side view i can see the outline of my ribcage and some of the ribs....very neat.

actually everyone taller than me and weighs more are wear size 3 and up...but they are still skinnier, in my eyes anyways.

im 4 foot 10 lol....

ive had anorexia and bulimia, they balanced each other so i didnt lose a lot of wieght, when i started eating i gained it back but am a steady 88-90 lbs

how much weight would i lose if i didnt eat for a month or so? would i notice a visible difference? would my pants be looser? i ask this because i wear 1 in juniors but some of the are tight, not bad but not as comfortable as they have been. I really want to wear 0's.....if i can help it. and i just bought a cute bikini which i love and looked great in but im still fatter than some of my friends. please help

So last nights topic was worship, different types of worship, and what worship we like best. Okay soto lead you into our conversation in small group I have to tell you how my youth group is ran. At 6:30 we start, the band lays 3 songs, David prays, David preaches, David prays again, we are dismissed to small groups. Okay, so you see we run on a schedule. Well one night a few months ago we changed it up BIG time. We eahc found someone we had never prayed with, and prayed with them quietly before we did anything. My prayer partner and I got into it while in another room, I didnt even feel like leaving that room. Anyways, after that david taught, we went to small groups, and came back in for worship. This wasnt on a schedule. So One Way (our band) played as God led them to lead. There must have been 60 youth in there, all raising there hands, on their knees, holding each other, praying, sobbing, etc. God led that worship service, and we got out of there at 10:00. We had parents complain that that was too late to get home. And others complaining that we looked pentecostal, believe me being baptist your lucky to clap on sunday mornings, well my mom was like "so what. God is moving in there, we should all worship like that" I mean we had the adults standing outside crying. It was led by God that night. Well since we had parents complain we are back on the schedule thing. So last night Mrs. Karen was asking what we prefered and I said "Well, I prefer praise and worship. But I do not like having it led on a timed schedule. It takes the meaning out of it. I mean its like you worship because you have to. We aren't being led by God anymore, its just something we do" well that got everyone talking about "that night" well Mrs. Michelle got crying and said she felt sorry we look back on that night as an event and we should feel that way every wednesday night. And we should, but we don't simply because its on a timed schedule and its just something we do, you know? I wish we could talk David and Kristin into letting us do it like it was that one night. I feel ba dthat the parents stopped us from worshipping open heartedly. I know my mom came and got me out of the service, you want to make me mad you pull me out of that atmosphere while I am fully into it bawling, praying, raising my hands, and kneeling at the alter. But now its like structured and heck, no one even feels led to raise there hands, and if they do I think they are afraid to because of what others think. In my church on Sundays I would love to be abl to go to the alter, raise my hands, clap my hands, without getting dirty looks from the elders. I was pentecostal and this baptist worship is totally different. Anyone have any thoughts, advice, etc?

I do not enjoy life anymore. Between my job, being sick, friends, family, school, etc I am just about tired of everything. I dont look forward to each day, I dread it. I dont like who I am, people dont like me, im tired of myself. I'm tired of not fitting in at youth group, school, work, etc. I dont know. i have more to say but I cant say it right now...

you know I dont know what brought on the change except I have been praying that God would allow our friendship to rekindle itself. I am overjoyed that she took the time to think about me.

I was so wrong about everyone at church. Everyone was so glad I was back hugging me, kissing me, praying for me. We all wrote words of encouragement for everyone tonight with me bawling my eyes out the whole time. I have never felt so loved in my life! I now know why I atten GCBC. Kristin, my youth pastors wife, who I thought didnt care about me anymore gave me a card. Here is what it read, I was so wrong and feel so bad. Bethany, I wanted to send you this card for a couple of reasons. First of all, I wanted to let you know that we all miss you (and your family) very (very is underlined) much. I miss seeing your smiling face at youth group and getting your sweet hugs. I also wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I haven't called or communicated with you at all. There's no reason for it; its' simply unacceptable. Please forgive me for not being a good friend and sister in Christ. I miss you so much and hope you will come back and join us at church (Destany too!) If you need to talk, I'm here for you. Love, Kristin. Tonight the guys prayed for the girls and vice versa while everyone stood in a large circle. Well David, my youth pastor, got behind me put his hands on my shoulder and prayed for me. They both mean the absolute world to me and I thought they didn't care anymore. He came up to me tonight and hugged me and later on as I was bawling my eyes out came up to me and said I love you girl, glad to have you back I missed you and let me bury my face in his chest and cry. Ugh I was so very wrong....my whole youth group cares and to know that they do means the world to me, I could not ask for a better youth group!

I just hate loving them so much and then not seeing it back you know? And I am truly sick of crying about it....I mean I love my youth group and leaders so much and all but I can only take so much before I am worn down...

okay so i havent been back since 2 weeks before valentines day. They started purity and everyone was into boyfriends while i basically sat in the corner alone listening to them laugh and stuff about boys and what its like to be in love, ive never felt that and it just really made me feel worse about myself. So I havent been back at all. What really kills me is that no one in the youth group has even called to see if somethings wrong or anything....and it is devestating, i figured one of the leaders would care? Do they, no. We have had at least 10 people call from church but they only asked about my parents no one mentioned me which isnt so bad because they weren't leaders of my youth group! I don't know, I haven't felt connected to anyone in the youth group for months anyways and I would love to just be included on like the inside jokes and actually have true friendships. I guess it hurts the most knowing my youth pastor and kis wife don't care because we used to be really close like 2 years ago and now there is nothing at all we have to say to one another really. but i still love them to death and it just hurts, ya know? I guess this is more of a vent than anything.

i heard now instead of lasting 4 weeks they are taking it up to 8.........ugh.WHY?! I will not be going.....thats just way too long.....i mean what all can they find to talk about? *bangs head on desk*

i have church tonight well its still on purity....i have worked like 16 or more hours this week back to back and am dead tired anyways and i think going again listening to purity lectures will wear me down even more, i think i will just come home and go to bed...

I'm 16 by the way, sorry for forgetting that. I am so glad valentine's day is over, all the girls and some guys had hickeys today and were talking about their date they went on, etc. I hate days like Valentine's day. But whatever I guess.....i know i will eventually have a husband or hope to but right now it just seems like im doomed to be single, you know?

what the heck is up with my youth group doing purity all the time? Like thats all I've heard for the past 2 years! I have no problem with purity. All we talked about in small groups last night were boyfriends and crap. I was the only one who has never had a boyfriend! I had my youth pastor's wife and Mrs. Karen has the 11th and 12th grade girls (kristin has 9th and 10th). But yeah, I was the only one who didn't have any question or anything to say about being in love, true love, the first kiss, how to "say no", etc. I went bawling out of the room after we were dismissed and Mrs. Karen said thats not all that she talked about with her girls and said that she wants me to come to her classes from now on. I am just so tired of never in my life having a boyfriend, heck I've never really had a crush on anyone. Why does a guy not want me? What wrong with me or how I look? ugh.......enough of the purity crap, people don't realize how crappy lessons like this make me feel and its what we are studying for the next month!whatever, and valentines day is coming up, great!

yes, i feel left out 99% of the time during youth group, trips, etc. We have a trip on wed. and are returning late thurs. we are going to a christian convention for teens, yec. I enjoyed it last year and am going again. I am going to see how everyone acts on that trip, and see if my youth pastor hugs me first or talks first same w/ everyone else.....but yeah, i just feel like no one really cares if that makes sense. how do i try to hard?

^^^^ I know but I like having earthly friends to that I can hug, talk to and let them talk back clearly, sharing the joy of knowing each other, making each other laugh, crying on shoulders, etc.

I was curious as to if anyone here feels like they have lost every true friend they have had recently? I have several close "girlfriends" who all go to my school and are in my youth group....but something has changed. Like they still click and whatnot but I just find myself standing back and just watching everything else happen in the youth group, ya know? I don't know, its probably just me. But its killing me....I cannot live without friends, I don't need acceptance I just need true, loving friendship. It feels like my heart has been ripped out and stomped on the ground. I am just so lost and lonely and feel out in the cold for some reason, I hate that I become so attached to friends but when I love, I love hard. (just needed to vent i suppose)