Hi All,
I have some things I have been wrestling with and would like to know if anybody might have a perspective. First, here's a summary of my background: I have been walking with the Lord for about 2 1/2 years now. It all happened quite suddenly. I had a series of recurring dreams that always depicted me inside a school, carrying a heavy load of books, and feeling hopelessly lost when trying to find my classroom. The dreams always ended the same, I would become frustrated and walk out of the school without ever finding my class. I always awakened with such a despairing feeling, and it usually hung with me most of the day, but I always chalked it up to just being a dream. After a couple of months I finally asked the Lord if He was trying to tell me something. Not long after, I had a final dream that started the same but ended quite different with a more positive outcome.
Anyway, after the final dream, within a few months I was craving church in a major way. I started trying out different churches in my area, but I wasn't satisfied with them for one reason or another. I wanted a church that taught the whole truth. I remembered a pastor at one of the churches my family attended. I always enjoyed his sermons when I attended this church with my family. I was told he left the church due to conflicting personal beliefs and that he decided to start a church out of his home. I immediately decided I would begin attending his home church as I knew his preaching style and knew he didn't water down the word.
This pastor's church proved to be a blessing to me. Not long after I began attending, I entered the darkest period my life has ever seen. The Lord revealed to me that I was going through a period of trial. This lasted for a little over two years. In fact, only recently has it finally come to an end (praise the Lord for seeing me through that!). This church helped me to cope with all the attacks I suffered and I also learned alot about the word. The church was different in a few regards though. For one, I was the only memeber aside from the pastor and his wife. Also, we worshipped on Saturdays. Though we weren't Adventists, we followed the 7th day Sabbath observance (according to the laws outlined in the O.T.).
I struggled mentally and emotionally over the Sabbath keeping. I didn't have a problem giving a day to God, but the thing that tore at my mind was the understanding that all Sunday worshippers were not keeping the right day. I was told that believers keeping Saturday were those that truly desired to obey God; those that didn't keep Saturday were simply refusing to yield to God's truth and expectations. Over and over I would struggle in my mind. I kept asking myself how so many people could not be convicted of this; especially those that truly love the Lord. I would jump online and Google everything I could find that supported the Saturday Sabbath. I always found something to convince myself I was doing the right thing. But every few months or so, the problem would arise again, and again I would repeat the whole miserable cycle. As time wore on, my relationships with other believers were deteriorating terribly fast. It became so difficult for me to fellowship with people that did not keep a Saturday Sabbath. It wasn't that I looked down on them; I was just afraid that I would be pulled in the wrong direction if I got too involved; thus making God terribly upset with me.
In addition to the Sabbath, I needed to be baptized. When I first joined the church, the pastor would always question me about getting baptized. I was not ready the first few months because I was still trying to understand alot of things. After a period of six months, I decided I was ready. The pastor was pleased and tried to make arrangements a couple of times, but circumstances always prevented it. He told me he wasn't as concerned about the baptism since I had already made the choice in my heart, it would just be a matter of time to have it completed. Well, after two years, I was extremely antsy to be baptized. I mentioned it periodically, but all to no avail. Then out of the blue, last month, the pastor announced he would baptize me in his back yard. He planned to purchase a kiddie pool for the occasion. I was quite excited as I had been waiting for this occasion for quite some time. Then, the most strangest thing occurred. The week I was to baptized, I had a the strongest gut feeling inside. I understood it was in regards to the baptism, because the closer the day came, the more heavy the burden in my stomach became. I can only say I have never had such a strong gut feeling in my entire life. I finally decided to cancel the baptism the day before and take time to find out what the Lord was trying to tell me.
Basically, what happened was that I spent that Saturday doing alot of research on the Sabbath and seeking the direction the Lord wanted me to take. I believe He revealed to me that He is our Sabbath rest and also that He wanted me to seek a new church. I attended my former church for the last time a few weeks ago. I was honest about the discomfort with the baptism and my new found understanding of the Sabbath. My pastor of course was not pleased. He immediately started taking me to various scriptures to point out that I was incorrect in my understanding. At first, I was so strong in what I believed the Lord revealed, but as time wore on, I felt myself weakening and questioning if I could be way off. I kept trying to explain myself, but every time I did, my words were twisted around and the pastor was trying to convince me that I was putting my desires ahead of God (which was not the case at all). I remember at one point as the pastor kept pointing out scripture, I thought to the Lord in my mind, "if you are leading me, please give me a sign so I know I am going the right way". A few minutes later, the pastor noticed a spider on the floor. He rose up to kill it. Just as he was getting ready to put an end to it, his dog jumped to its feet, let out such a yelp and almost bit him. I couldn't believe it. All that time I had been going there, not once had I ever seen the dog act like that. It was always well behaved and gentle. After that happened, the pastor stopped trying to persuade me in my thinking. It wasn't until after I left that I realized that this happened after I asked the Lord for a sign. Perhaps that was His sign to me.
I've really rambled on and I apologize. I am trying to sort through this and need some assistance. I don't understand why I suddenly had such a strong feeling about not being baptized. I guess I assume that the Lord would always want a person to be willing to take that step; right? But is there ever an occasion that perhaps the person performing it may not be the right one to do it? I'm still struggling to understand the Sabbath. I have a real peace about my decisions, but I still struggle with reconciling law and grace. Can anyone help me to reconcile some of this? Has anyone else out there had a similar experience?
Your time and attention are greatly, greatly appreciated. God Bless you and I hope to hear from you
