Need a little advice on this? Have I overstepped my bounds?

[TimGertsch]

Ok, so a good friend of ours (whom we occasionally do daycare for), are pretty avid marijuana junkies. The biggest problem I've had with them is that they do it around their kids. I'm not pure, and me and my wife have smoked marijuana as well. I won't judge them for doing it, because I think that the short period we did it actually helped us. We moved on from it though, and they won't do that, and I kinda feel like they might be jeopardizing their child's health and safety because of it. Well, here's where my problem comes in. We attend church with the girl's grandmother. This past Sunday, she came up and struck up a conversation with me. Casual conversation that turned into her saying, "I wish "X" would come back to church, she was raised in church" Well, her husband isn't really the spiritual type. His spiritual depth is entirely based on the size of the bowl he's getting ready to smoke. Being high most of their days, they are given the illusion of being "higher thinkers" and have come to the conclusion that they are "smarter than God". He knows better than anybody is his basic philosophy. Well, her grandmother kinda of eluded to the fact that she wanted me to try and convince her and her husband to come to church, to which I replied with my previous statement. Not in a judgemental way, but simply a matter of fact way, they REFUSE to buy into ideas of faith, it's just the way they are. Well, I work with the girl, and suddenly, she's giving me the cold shoulder, and doesn't say hello or anything like she used to. My gut's telling me her grandmother probably talked to her. Now, I don't really have a problem with that, I don't feel like I said anything she should be offended about. My question is this: Did I sin by offering my opinions to her grandmother? Was I in the wrong? And whether I was right, wrong or neutral, how should I approach the girl? I don't want her to be angry with me, and I'd be more than happy to state my case, but I'm wondering if sending her an email is the wrong decision? Opinions would be very helpful. Thanks all.

[Guest]

IMO, Don't Stir, Don't E-Mail

He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat. Proverbs 28:25

Love Her And Pray, Pray, Pray

[TimGertsch]

Sound advice. And considering the type of people they are, who won't hear criticism or advice, be it constructive or not, I could potentially see this as a beginning to the conflict. My point of confusion still lies in whether or not leaving it alone entirely is in the best interest of peace. Could it not become fully resolved through discussion? I also have no scripture references for that as well, which would deter me from thinking it part of God's plan, as he laid the scripture down to be our guide...

[TimGertsch]

This is a good example of why it is best to never speak about people unless they are present. If we have concerns about someone's behavior we should go to them before we say something to ANYONE else. Nine times out of ten staying out of others business is the way to go.

Praying your situation will improve.

Praying your friends will see the light.

Yeah, and that was my biggest concern. After discussing with her grandmother our mutual concern for them, i kinda regretted it... I'm not sure anything I said was "false testimony" but she wasn't there either way, and I felt kinda bad, but I know I didn't say anything untrue... and at one point i was pretty confused about whether or not to discuss their behavior with them, regarding smoking pot around their daughter, who is 3, and could never find a good way to do it without creating conflict, which may have just been created by THIS situation... it's puzzling, to be sure...

[TimGertsch]

Yeah, and that's my thing is if I offended them simply by answering her grandmother's questions, then I'd like to apologize for it, because I honestly didn't mean to upset anyone, I was faced with a question and answered it to the best of my ability. Guess I'll know better next time...

[TimGertsch]

Sound advice. And considering the type of people they are, who won't hear criticism or advice, be it constructive or not, I could potentially see this as a beginning to the conflict. My point of confusion still lies in whether or not leaving it alone entirely is in the best interest of peace. Could it not become fully resolved through discussion? I also have no scripture references for that as well, which would deter me from thinking it part of God's plan, as he laid the scripture down to be our guide...

This seems a bit condescending to me....

But you did mention scriptural reference on how to handle this type of situation...

Matthew 18:15-22

If your brother sins go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.

But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.

If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as Gentile and a tax collector.

Your friends may not be a member of the church, but I think the general principle applies. In every case the sinner is being addressed to his face. There is no gossip present.

Hmm, valid point, and let me say that in no way was this meant to be condescending, but truthful. They are not spiritual people, not people who follow God at least. They are very convinced that they know it all, and won't take criticism or advice on any level. That's what I mean by "the type of people" they are. I've known them for a long time, and given him counsel on a variety of subjects, with no biblical context whatsoever and watched EVERY point i ever brought to him fall on deaf ears and be ignored. She on the other hand would probably be a LITTLE more receptive to outside input, but as soon as it gets mentioned to him, it's immediately disregarded. And believe when I say that my intention was also not to gossip at all. I was approached by her grandmother for what I figured would be a casual conversation, and was then faced with the questions she asked and her inadvertent plea for me to "convince her to come back to church", to which I responded with what I knew. And when I'm asked questions I will respond truthfully and completely. Gossip to me would indicate that something negative or untrue or hurtful were being said about someone, and then perpetuated by the gossipers. Her grandmother was conversing with me out of concern (I believe, though I can't speak for her or claim to know without a doubt what her intentions were for the conversation), and was simply looking for an ear.

[TimGertsch]

So are you trying to say then that the phrase "The type of people they are" is a discriminative statement? Because that's a pretty broad descriptive phrase, and can be used in any number of circumstances. And stating the type of person someone is doesn't constitute belittling or discrimination automatically. If a person is rude, a person is rude, that's just a fact. By me saying that someone is rude, is that me calling them beneath me? I'm positive that I've been rude before. So does acknowledging a behavior immediately count as discrimination and insult? Because if so, I think this thread is in a bit of trouble.

I acknowledge your points about gossip, and can understand where the situation went awry. I'm grateful for your input and your information. I'm definitely the one at fault here, and as I have been the entire time, am looking for opinions on how to remedy the situation. The lesson is learned, and I will attempt to avoid this confusion again. So where do I go from here KatyAnn? What is your perspective on the solution? You've made your points quite clear on how stupidly and ignorantly I handled the situation to begin with, so I'm hoping you have an equally clear suggestion for the remedy?

[mizzdy]

It is often times in those private conversations they can be seen as gossip, I dont think the grandmother was gossiping but trying to find an avenue to bring her family back to God. I see you didn't stand there talking about how they get high all the time, nor did you write that you discussed their personal things or even push the personal nor any other aspect of this couple. You took what the grandmother said and gave her indications that you had already talked to them about faith and they were not interested. Lashon harah, or evil speech spoken of in scriptures is slanderous gossip, talking about people private and even spiritual lives to others for no better reason that just to talk about others, of course there are varying degrees of it also. I dont think you were gossiping, althought in some respects by telling everyone how they conduct their private lifes here that might be speaking on iffy ground.

Honestly I would say something to the gal it seems obvious that her grandmother said something to her and before it gets out of hand I would simply say, 'Your grandma came and talked to me at church seeing if I might be able to help you come back to church' and then say that you told her that you have been speaking all along to them both but didnt feel right asking because grandma wanted you too, or something like that. Letting things fester can lead to some serious blowups and since you work with that gal that might be bad in the job arena. Just my nickels worth.

shalom,

Mizz

[TimGertsch]

It is often times in those private conversations they can be seen as gossip, I dont think the grandmother was gossiping but trying to find an avenue to bring her family back to God. I see you didn't stand there talking about how they get high all the time, nor did you write that you discussed their personal things or even push the personal nor any other aspect of this couple. You took what the grandmother said and gave her indications that you had already talked to them about faith and they were not interested. Lashon harah, or evil speech spoken of in scriptures is slanderous gossip, talking about people private and even spiritual lives to others for no better reason that just to talk about others, of course there are varying degrees of it also. I dont think you were gossiping, althought in some respects by telling everyone how they conduct their private lifes here that might be speaking on iffy ground.

Honestly I would say something to the gal it seems obvious that her grandmother said something to her and before it gets out of hand I would simply say, 'Your grandma came and talked to me at church seeing if I might be able to help you come back to church' and then say that you told her that you have been speaking all along to them both but didnt feel right asking because grandma wanted you too, or something like that. Letting things fester can lead to some serious blowups and since you work with that gal that might be bad in the job arena. Just my nickels worth.

shalom,

Mizz

The OP said he told the grandmother about the marijuana use.

Well, her husband isn't really the spiritual type. His spiritual depth is entirely based on the size of the bowl he's getting ready to smoke. Being high most of their days, they are given the illusion of being "higher thinkers" and have come to the conclusion that they are "smarter than God". He knows better than anybody is his basic philosophy. Well, her grandmother kinda of eluded to the fact that she wanted me to try and convince her and her husband to come to church, to which I replied with my previous statement. Not in a judgemental way, but simply a matter of fact way,

According to the OP the grandmother only expressed a wish for the couple to come to church. The grandmother was not the gossip here.

She brought up a number of points about their lifestyle, as she's aware of everything I had spoken of to her in regards to that, but the main idea was to have me get them to come to church. I apologize for leaving out the depth and contents of the discussion, but it was a rather lengthy conversation.

[mizzdy]

It is often times in those private conversations they can be seen as gossip, I dont think the grandmother was gossiping but trying to find an avenue to bring her family back to God. I see you didn't stand there talking about how they get high all the time, nor did you write that you discussed their personal things or even push the personal nor any other aspect of this couple. You took what the grandmother said and gave her indications that you had already talked to them about faith and they were not interested. Lashon harah, or evil speech spoken of in scriptures is slanderous gossip, talking about people private and even spiritual lives to others for no better reason that just to talk about others, of course there are varying degrees of it also. I dont think you were gossiping, althought in some respects by telling everyone how they conduct their private lifes here that might be speaking on iffy ground.

Honestly I would say something to the gal it seems obvious that her grandmother said something to her and before it gets out of hand I would simply say, 'Your grandma came and talked to me at church seeing if I might be able to help you come back to church' and then say that you told her that you have been speaking all along to them both but didnt feel right asking because grandma wanted you too, or something like that. Letting things fester can lead to some serious blowups and since you work with that gal that might be bad in the job arena. Just my nickels worth.

shalom,

Mizz

The OP said he told the grandmother about the marijuana use.

Well, her husband isn't really the spiritual type. His spiritual depth is entirely based on the size of the bowl he's getting ready to smoke. Being high most of their days, they are given the illusion of being "higher thinkers" and have come to the conclusion that they are "smarter than God". He knows better than anybody is his basic philosophy. Well, her grandmother kinda of eluded to the fact that she wanted me to try and convince her and her husband to come to church, to which I replied with my previous statement. Not in a judgemental way, but simply a matter of fact way,

According to the OP the grandmother only expressed a wish for the couple to come to church. The grandmother was not the gossip here.

She brought up a number of points about their lifestyle, as she's aware of everything I had spoken of to her in regards to that, but the main idea was to have me get them to come to church. I apologize for leaving out the depth and contents of the discussion, but it was a rather lengthy conversation.

I think the point I was trying to make was that I just dont see how this is gossiping nor slandering this couple, just in what was written I saw a grandmother trying to find avenues to bring her grandchild back into the fold. Sometimes in our thinking we sometimes say too much to make a point or bring home the problem. If thats the case then we are all completely guilty for talking about our kids, parents, friends, etc, to our friends, pastors etc when we are looking for advice or ways to help others. And really I think that is all the grandmother was trying to do is find other ways to talk the grandkid into coming back to church.