Husband Left..

[barracuda]

Let me preface this by saying that I am trying to help you see things from your husband's perspective. I don't agree that what he has done is right, or good. But this is more to help you maybe see things through his eyes, even as sorely judged as they are.

Well, I'm probably not nearly as old as your husband but he sounds like me. I sit for hours at a time watching football on TV and never say much to my wife and children.

I've only been married for almost 8 years now, but to be honest I don't have much to say to my wife and kids. To me we're just going through the motions.

We don't have the money to go out a lot, and since we don't have a lot of money that doesn't allow me much of an opportunity to get out and do some other things to break up the monotony of home life.

My wife is a very pleasing type of woman. She goes out of her way to please me, and I honestly know that I neglect her in regards to being reciprocal. But she's patient and kind, and puts up with my laziness and lack of initiative to do much, basically because she wants the marriage to work, and is always afraid I'll leave her. She insists, I think in jest, that one day I'll grow tired of her and find another woman and leave her. I then respond that I have enough problems taking care of her and the children, and adding another woman would be the last thing I would want to burden myself with. Keep in mind that this is our game, and we've been kidding like this almost from the getgo.

After 26 years I am guessing that your husband just simply got tired of wasting his life away in front of the TV and felt the need to get out there and experience some of what life he considers he lost by being in what he probably considers a dead end marriage. To him maybe there was no excitement in his marriage, and only problems. Every time he turned around he was supposed to fix something, or someone else's problems, and maybe he's just beyond tired of it and felt he needed to break away and leave those problems behind.

DISCLAIMER: I don't agree with what your husband has done. I think he'll discover that what he has left behind is a heck of a lot better then what is out there in the "real world".

I also want you to know that I love my wife very much, and that leaving her will only be through the grave. As much as I wish my life could have turned out a little more exciting, I often reflect on the simple things and remind myself that she was there for me when the chips were down, and has always been there for me through thick and thin. She may not be the most exciting person in the world, but she is really my sole source of support and comfort in time of need. Outside of her I have nothing.

I keep thinking of John Eldridge's book "Wild at Heart". This book discusses a man's "mid-life crisis" (for a lack of a better term). I am guessing that is what has happened to your husband. He just thinks that he's been missing out on "life", when in reality he's avoided "life" in the first place. And rather then remind himself of why he married you and had kids in the first place, he's decided that he'll seek out what he thinks he's been missing somewhere else.

The key for you is to keep loving him. You hate him now for what he's done, but I have a feeling he'll be back. Once he realizes that "the grass isn't always greener" on the other side, he'll come back and ask for forgiveness.

He also seems to sound like me in the fact that cheating on you with another woman probably would never happen because no other woman would have him. Well, I say that hald tongue in cheek, but to me it's reality.

I thankful to God for the wife I have, and want nothing more then to spend every remaining day with her and my children. I try to remind myself of that priority every day.

Praying that your husband does the right thing and someone knocks a dose of reality back into him.

Through all of this, praise God for His blessings in your life. Look for them - they are there.

[Guest fiverottendogs]

He also seems to sound like me in the fact that cheating on you with another woman probably would never happen because no other woman would have him.  Well, I say that hald tongue in cheek, but to me it's reality.

I thankful to God for the wife I have, and want nothing more then to spend every remaining day with her and my children.  I try to remind myself of that priority every day.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Barracuda

You sound like a wise man. No one's life is usually as exciting as they would want it to be after they get married but that is a part of growing up and having a family. Everday life may not be exciting but it is your backbone that supports you.

I applaud you for coming out and saying a man's feelings about things. Sometimes we as women don't understand what a man is thinking and vice versa and then we get mad because we are thinking stuff that isn't even true. Lack of communication kills so many great realtionships.

Also no one should ever think that no one else would not want their spouse. There is an enemy out there looking to destroy the family and marriage and he will use whatever it takes. My husband is very overweight and would not be attractive to most women. BUT I know the man inside and since I know that he is the most handsome man in the world. Yet someone else decided she wanted him and Satan used that to lure my husband away. I say always be on guard against other people that are a little TOO friendly toward your spouse.

Barracuda I pray that you and your wife can make up for some lost time and your relationship can become like new again. Maybe you guys can get some counseling from your pastor. You sound like both of you really love each other. Maybe you just need a little help expressing that to each other.

[Guest glsmom]

I would like to thank all of you for your kind words, prayers and encouragment. I am not sure what is going to happen. All I know for sure is I feel very betrayed and the one person I really trusted on this earth has broken that trust. I have never easily trusted to begin with thanks to things in my early childhood. Yet I did him and now he has betrayed that. I know some may not see it as that...but as I told him..if we got back together..anytime he left out the door and didn't let us know where and when he would be back, I would wonder if he left again.

Also, the results of his choice of action has now made me feel like a nothing. I am having to beg for rides, my daughters are having to call him if they need something and I can't find a way to get it . He isn't calling here. I have no doubt that he cares for them, yet I feel like he is doing them wrong. They should not have to be the one to call...I feel as their father he should be checking on them. He doesn't have to speak to me..yet he should be at least calling and seeing they are okay and reassuring them on some level. He has only spoken to my youngest two or three times in the past 11 days, the others less than that.

Anyway, I am trying very hard to hold on to my faith and know that things will be okay. I am also trying not to be angry and bitter...although that is much easier said than done. I just thank all of you for you taking your time and sharing your thoughts with me.

[Guest fiverottendogs]

Glsmom-

Have you ever thought that there may be some underlying things you don't know about? I didn't know my husband had startied abusing alcohol and drugs before he left. I didn't look for the signs because I trusted him. Nor did I ever even imagine him cheating on me because he said I could always trust him. My husband is not my daughter's father but it is the only dad she's ever known and he is like a father to her. She is 20 now and grown but after he left he was basically ignoring her and treating her like a nobody and they even work together 40 hours a week!!! Substance abuse makes people do things they normally would not do. I am not saying that that is the case but something made him just get up and leave so suddenly.

I hate that you are going through all this pain. I also trusted my husband because he said he would always love me and never leave me. The pain of the betrayal and rejection are more than you can take at times. I thought this summer it would be better off if I were just dead. And I had so many suicidal thoughts but the thought of my daughter having to find me dead and what it would do to her and the small thread of hope I was hanging onto that God said it will be better soon made me not do it. I was in severe depression for months and had to go to counseling. I am shedding my tears right now for you because I know what you are going through. I wish there were something I could do for you like give you a hug but I will continue to pray for you.

GLS all I can tell you is that no matter what you are going to be okay. God says so. Just keep trusting in Him. I know it's hard when someone you love so dearly has betrayed but hang on. God will restore everything the enemy has stolen from you and it will be even better than before. I can't say enough to encourage you. If you are able to do so pick up the book "When the enemy strikes" by Charles Stanley. I am reading it and it is awesome.

I hope that you will IM me or email me if you feel down and need to talk. Don't be like me and try to talk things out with your daughters. I told my daughter what was going on and should have stopped there but didn't and she told me later on she felt overwhelmed about the whole thing. Be sure to let them know only what they need to and not try to put to much on them. Don't go through such a hard time by yourself. You have friends there where you are and plenty of support here on the board.

[Guest glsmom]

First thanks and know I am listening.

Don't be like me and try to talk things out with your daughters.  I told my daughter what was going on and should have stopped there but didn't and she told me later on she felt overwhelmed about the whole thing.  Be sure to let them know only what they need to and not try to put to much on them.

I don't know if there is something else going on..or if its just mid life crisis. i am also trying everything in my power to keep my kids out of this. This is between him and me.

keep thinking of John Eldridge's book "Wild at Heart". This book discusses a man's "mid-life crisis" (for a lack of a better term). I am guessing that is what has happened to your husband. He just thinks that he's been missing out on "life", when in reality he's avoided "life" in the first place. And rather then remind himself of why he married you and had kids in the first place, he's decided that he'll seek out what he thinks he's been missing somewhere else.

Personally, I have never been one to demand anything. I lived without stuff when i was a child and never had monetary things. The only thing that I really have ever asked for and wanted is my home to kept in a liveable state and my yard clean. If that meant I was asking to much then there was something wrong with this picture years and years ago. To simply be able to turn on a faucet without pliers or having floors your not afraid to walk on..is not asking for more than any of us including him deserve.

As for looking for greener pastures or something else...to be honest I really don't think that is what is going on. He has been very content with his life to the most part. He has never wanted anything but to sit in front of the tv. If he was asked by me or someone else he will tell you that he has no goals or "i don't know".

I think he wanted to make a point, to get my attention...only he has went way to far and didn't think about the consequences. I am not perfect....I definitely have things that need changed and for the past four years I have tried and have changed many things. I quit fussing about the football and tv. I even let the things in our home that needed fixing pass without saying much. It doesn't mean it didn't tick me off or hurt to know he could let us live this way...but I just let it go. I didn't want to be a nag. I have tried, I may not always held it in totally but I have let it go as much as possible.

He is now at his sisters house. He apparently goes to work, comes home there helps cook and goes watch tv till he goes to sleep. So, I don't really see that as looking for greener pastures.

Anyway, I just feel hurt and am not sure I can forgive this pain or even want to at the moment.