Husband Left..

[Guest glsmom]

I'm not sure what I am doing writing about this except maybe as a way to express myself. A week ago tonight my hubby of 26 years left. He left and went to his sister's. We didn't know where he was till Wednesday, when he finally called after being paged by my oldest daughter and my finally sending an email to him at work. I know some should say I should let it go and forgive. I am not so sure I can do that. He left me at home with three of my four girls at home. No car, less than $20. 00 in my purse and didn't tell anyone where he was going except to say he wouldn't be back that night. On top of all this one of my daughters is pregnant and another is in midst of separating from her husband after 7 years.

Anyway, my hubby and I have been having difficulties for quite awhile now. He works but when he comes home for the last 26 yrs he hits the chair and doesn't move till bedtime. Only thing that interests him has been football and other sports. It is the only thing he stays awake for. Our home is literally falling apart but he either does nothing or finds a reason not to. I will admit after years of this I had gotten where I was doing less and less because I felt like he just didn't care. He also does not talk, never has at least not to me. Any of you could walk up to him and he would be long winded for hours. He is the same way with the kids. He actually talked to them more on Wednesday than he has in the past two months. Yet that was more because I told him in the email how I could never forgive him for putting his kids through that and not letting them know where he was at.

In this marriage there have only been a few things that were clear and both of us knew not to cross that line. One was not to cheat, two was to be truthful and the third was to never leave. Personally although it wasn't another woman I feel my husband has had a mistress my entire married life....her name has been FootBall. To give you an idea of how bad it has gotten...although I didn't want to go to a relatives house on New Year's eve..he made a trip back to get me. Even knowing I didn't want to be there...he left me outside and waltzed into the relatives house and watched the Friday night Football updates and a special that was on for almost two hours. The night before..he took me grocery shopping for New Years Day..only to get up and leave in the middle of me cooking a complete dinner to go to a private football party at a resteraunt leaving no one but one daughter there to eat with me. He had mentioned the party weeks ago but not a word when I was buying this food.

Anyway, I know that my vows are suppose to be till death do us part. Yet at this time I don't think I can do that. I have lived with holes in my floors, a bathtub that the faucet has to be turned on with pliers, a leaky roof, doors falling off and he has done nothing about it. I will honest I hold in how I feel trying to avoid saying something wrong until I explode, then only to have him telling me I am nagging and he can't talk to me. We are talking I wait for weeks before I will lose my self control after asking him to do something. I know I shouldn't lose it, but how much does a person have to put up with. Things are left until they become a major repair. Just like my bedroom, an airconditioner was leaking inside instead of outside. I told him the beginning of summer he needed to do something about it because I couldn't..I had tried. Well now I have a 6ft by 10 ft rotten area next to it and he has to walk around it. Yet he still didn't take time to level the air conditioner. If I had had family I would have asked them to do it.

Now, he has left me. In his email reply he wants to talk but not till the time is right. On the phone Wed. he was told that our refrigerator went out. I had to throw all my food out. He didn't say a word, till this day he hasn't said a word about it. He didn't ask if the kids needed anything or has he called them since Wed. until last night when he ask the girls if they wanted to go to a basket ball game(this is the first thing he has done with them in a year) with him. Yet he still didn't ask them if they needed anything. Luckily I pulled out the refrigerator and cleaned the coils and at least it is keeping milk and lunch meat cold now in the freezer part.

So, guess what I am wondering is how much is one suppose to take to keep marriage vows. I have stood by them but I really don't think I can forgive him and accept him back after he left in the manner he did. The thing is I don't know how I will survive.. I have been a stay at home mom for 26 years at his request. I got married at 17 and I have no skills and no work history and still have two girls to get through high school.

I just hope God will forgive me if I proceed with ending this marriage because I don't think I can go back to the way it was. Plus, I will now always wonder if when he walks out the door if he is coming back.

[Ovedya]

I don't know how much advice I can give you, but U feel I need to ask: Does your husband drink at all? If so, how much and how often?

It just sounds to me like there is something else at work here.

[Guest glsmom]

I don't know how much advice I can give you, but U feel I need to ask:  Does your husband drink at all?  If so, how much and how often?

It just sounds to me like there is something else at work here.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No, the only thing my husband does is smoke cigarettes and eat allot. If you met him he would give all appearance of an friendly upstanding man. You would never know that all the things go on or should I say lack of things go on at home.

[Leonard]

You ask about 'ending this marriag,' but it sounds like he'd pulled out a long time ago. His physical presence was there, but 'he' was not. Still only hearing your side, I don't believe I could give any solid advice beyond to ask if you he would be amenable to Pastoral Counseling.

[angels4u]

Hi,

I don't know what to say either, what do your daughters think of it? This was probably building up for a long time.

Do you still love him?

[Guest glsmom]

You ask about 'ending this marriag,' but it sounds like he'd pulled out a long time ago.  His physical presence was there, but 'he' was not.  Still only hearing your side, I don't believe I could give any solid advice beyond to ask if you he would be amenable to Pastoral Counseling.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

He went to a counselor one time before only to tell me a month after that he knew what we wanted to hear and that is what he said. So, I am not sure if it would be any different with a Pastor.

[Guest glsmom]

Hi,

I don't know what to say either, what do your daughters think of it? This was probably building up for a long time.

Do you still love him?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i don't think it is possible to live with someone for 26 years and not care for them. I don't want anything to happen to him, it would hurt tremendously. We have been together since I was a teen. Yet I don't think I am in love with him anymore and I also know I don't like an awful lot of stuff about him anymore. Guess this sounds horrible on my part.

[RustyAngeL]

First of all I would like to know if you are both christians, I mean born again christians? I know the feeling of being thrown over for something else. For years I sat at home on the weekends while my husband would go to the casinos. He put us into heavy debt and this was a way of life until I told him one day that if he continued to do this I wouldn't be here much longer. He is not a christian but a kind man who I know loves me, however when there is an addiction that will always come first. You said you have been married 26 years, that's a long time, however it's a marriage and marriage means two. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. No help with your girls, or you. I'm not saying end it yet but start to make plans on what you would do if you do end this marriage. You have to think of yourself and your girls. God weeps at the end of any marriage but being miserable is no way to live. It will make bitter people out of both of you and hurt your girls. If your a christian I would talk with a pastor. Get the support of a prayer group around you. Get involved in church, do what you know God wants you to do and leave the rest up to Him. The good news here is He is more the able to take care of all of you including your husband.

Edited January 9, 2005 by Rustyangel

[papasangel]

I can understand your hurt at your husband's leaving you. It sounds as if he has issues he needs to deal with and is afraid of dealing with them. They used to call this a mid-life crisis back when I was younger.

My advice to you is get into counseling with your pastor even if your husband dosen't come. If nothing else you will benifit from the counseling sessions. Second check into your local college and talk to the financial counseler there. She can help you get financial help to go and learn new skills. I know this is scary but you have to think of the future in case your husband fails to return.

Also since your husband refuses to help you out ask for help at church with some repairs. Most churches can either help you repair your home or have resources that can help. You are not alone.

Last but most important..Keep praying. Let God know your fears and let Him work. Its not going to be easy but He will work miracles.

Please keep us posted. God Bless.

[Guest fiverottendogs]

I understand the pain you are going through. My husband also left me. Let me tell you a little about what happened to me.

My husband and I have known each other for 12 years now. We have been married 8 years but were just friends the first 4 years we knew each other. My husband had been in rehab in his late teen's early 20's 3 different times and I really did not want to get involved with him that is why we were only friends. He was my brother's best friend and that is how I got to know him. After 4 years went by and I saw he had stayed clean something inside me changed towards him. I wanted a relationship with him. I told him how I felt about him and told him that I wanted him to be a part of mine and my daughter's life and go to church with us. He said yes. 3 months after we got married my husband gave his life to Christ. We were very active in church and I know that my husband loved the Lord and loved going to church. You can just see that in someone.

He witnessed to everyone he saw. He even made me feel guilty because I was not as bold as him and I was the "seasoned" Christian in the relationship. He gave out little tracts and invited people to church. He was a Jesus superman.

My husband's dream has always been a career in music. About 2 years ago my husband was managing a Christian band and they broke up. In the 2 years before that while they were playing my husband met other people in other bands and got to know them also. My husband would be witnessing to these people every chance he got. But then something started to happen and the secular music world started to invade his life. We all know what happens when you are "WITH THE BAND". This July when my husband came back from a 4 days trip to FLA with his band he decided to leave me. Said he had been unhappy for the last 2 years and needed time to think about what he wanted to do next. Said I had forced him to go to church and he didn't really want to talk about God anymore. I said ok and gave him some space.

Before my husband left, my father had been diagnosed with cancer and had been in the hospital for 1 month. I was going to work in the day and going to the hospital at night until about 10pm, coming home and then starting all over again-doing this for 4 weeks. My father came home to hospice care.

My husband left me, 2 days later my father past away. I asked my husband to come back home and he said no. The day after my father died I took one of my five dogs to the vet because he was sick. The day we buried my dad, I took my husband to the hospital for emergency surgery (the dr told him if he had waited one more day he would have died), while my husband was in surgery, I call the vet and the dog has cancer so I had to put him to sleep. My husband was at the SAME hospital my dad had just gotten out of for 1 week. Again me going to work in the morning and spending all night at the hospital. Took him home and took care of him for 1 week and then he left again, me and my daughter had to move from our home because I couldn't afford the note by myself, then I had to have hernia surgery and was out of work for 3 weeks, then my husband told me he wanted a divorce. WOW WHAT A SUMMER I HAD!!! All of this happening in 3 months time!!!

Anyway I have now found out that my husband is back on drugs of some kind, drinking again and has a 21 year old girlfriend. My husband is 34 years old. He said he wants a divorce but I refuse to sign the papers. When I confronted him about the drugs and the girl of course he denies it all.

I know that God is going to restore my marriage but it has been hard living without my husband. I know that my husband accepted Christ into his heart and loved Him at one time but now he has fallen away. I believe God can restore and give him back a love even deeper than he had before. I could just say oh well he cheated so I have the right to divorce but I know God wants to restore things.

I say that you should just take some time and seek God and pray that He will show you what to do, and if there are some things within yourself that needs working on that He will reveal that to you also. See I didn't want to see anything I had done wrong but God showed me some stuff I was wrong about and I am working on these things. I am using my time away from my husband in a postive way right now. Also don't try to fix things yourself. Give it to God and let God fix your husband because you can't do it.

Our Pastor was talking the other day about things you thought were dead and gone that really aren't. Just like people thought Jesus was dead and then boom resurrection. God can resurrect your marriage and make it 100 times better than before. Just let God work in the situation. It's not easy I know but after 26 years what is a little more time to see what God will do in your marriage. I hope I have been able to encourage you some and if you need to talk you can IM me or email me.