Love Song to Jesus; How Can I Tell You?

[Catsmeow]

Jesus, how can I tell you that I love you? I can't think of right words to say....wherever I go, Lord - I'm always thinking about you...always thinking of you.  I kept hearing this song in my head. It wasn't the usual death metal I normally play or the screams and shouts of another heavy metal band but something soft, sweet, acoustic and more subtle but powerful. I kept hearing, "How can I tell you that I love you...I love you but I can't think of right words to say; can't think of right words to say. 

I couldn't figure out if the song I keep hearing in my head is the song by Cat Stevens were the words of me speaking to you or you speaking to me. It wasn't  till later on that I began to understand that it was a dialogue between you and me expressed in a song. Not a hymn, according to religious protocol but a song by a man who isn't even a Christian but this was the song I kept hearing you play in my head - a duet. Yes, a duet and we were both singing it together. You'd sing me a verse then I'd sing you a verse - bath and forth.  I'd sing and you'd sing. We were singing to each other. I sang a verse to you and you sang a verse to me. The music kept playing in my head - softly, sweetly - gently. I began to realize they were words to a song by some songwriter but I felt them at a different level - a new level. A very deep and emotional level.

I realized I felt intense sadness because I read the words to poetry written by a girl who was suicidal. I kept reading more and more of her poems of death, loss and desire to destroy herself. I wept. I wept a little at first and then I wept some more. I couldn't stop crying.

After a while I began to wonder if these were my tears or your tears. We're you crying over her because you longed to tell her, "I love you" but I can't think of right words to say...can't think of right words to say...I felt like those words weren't the words to a popular song from way back but the words you were writing on my heart - and not just for me personally but to her...to the little girl standing afar wanting to take her life. You were weeping for her and I was a conduit for her pain and for your love for her (and for me).

I realized that this was what it truly meant when it speaks of having you live inside of our hearts. It's love - it's all about love. That's the most overwhelming thing I've sensed lately. Us loving you; you loving us. Us loving each other. Just loving one another deeply and sincerely.

I realized there would always be critics who would hurl stones and call me names and I was no different than the children  sobbing because bullies were cruel to them at school. They're bullies in church  who parade themselves around but badger those of us who are vulnerable and easily hurt. It's possible that those who hurl stones and wound our fragile hearts are hurting themselves. How do I love them; how should I, my beloved?  

I'm nothing of worth or value but in your eyes - I matter. To you I am important; you give me purpose and design. I guess I just needed to hear you sing to me. In all these years I've never heard you sing to me. I didn't think God sang to people. I always thought we sang to you...not the other way around but I was wrong! I heard it in a song written by someone a long time ago playing the guitar and singing but I heard you speak to me through that music.

I realized I wasn't gonna find an intimate, loving closeness to you in church pews or on some message board. I would hear it from you in the places that fall on deaf ears - in song that didn't meet sync with official church protocol. I heard you telling me that somehow and in some manner, you love this wretch that I am. 

You love the people who've been written off by society or assumed hopeless because they have some user-name that sounds like something out of a horror movie. Oh sure, they might sound like something from hell but you're over time and space and see how the "apparent" satanist is really a lonely child crying in dark and private places. You read their tender heart and know the pain and heartbreak they've suffered and you already know they're needing you, crying out to you - but they, "can't think of right words to say." You sing back to them but they and you're not there. You are there but they can't see you. You see them; they can't see you. You're still there but they can't see you. You can't think of right words to say...well, you can but they don't hear you. Not yet anyway. You see into their hearts soak in their sorrow and you wipe away their tears even though they can't see you.
 
I know you want to tell these people who hate their themselves and hate their own lives how much you really love them but you can't can't think of right words to say because they can't hear you. You're always telling them, "I love you" but they can't can't hear you.

I heard you say those words to me today and this time I heard you. I haven't felt loved is so long and now I hear you so clearly. I realize that in spite of all my faults and shortcomings you never stopped loving me. 

It's hard sometimes, Jesus. It's hard. I wanna be so perfect for you. I wanna feel all cleaned up and just right before I put away the things of this world. You know that the death metal I listen to expresses the pain I have inside of me. It's been my only way to express the silent misery I have since you took my love. I'm so lonely since you took him and I miss him so badly. I hurt so much inside and long to feel him next to me; hear his voice. I still cry when I remember him. It hurts so bad I can't stand it. I'm miserable because he's not here. I've had no where to go; no one who could ever hear the pain I have inside because he's gone. Every year that goes by - I've longed to die and wish I were dead so I could be with  him and with you. You keep me here and won't let me come home. You keep me here but you're not here. I can't see you. I can't touch you. "Wherever I am, I'm always talking to you - always talking to you, but I can't think of right words to say" - until today. Now I can hear you. I can feel your breath. I can hear your heart beating. You're more than life size. You're more than a fantasy. More than everything I hoped you were - you're the very embodiment of love and all things beautiful. I can feel your presence and I know you're there. 
 

Now I know you hear me sobbing at night when I'm alone but I can't hear you.I can't see you. I know now you are there in the darkness even when I can't see or hear you. The pain in this life has been crowding you out.  

 I haven't felt love by your body. Your body has felt cold and sterile to me...it's touch is like ice water. I feel numb around your people - numb and unloved. I feel unwanted and as if I no longer belong...and I can't think of right things to. I long to hear you but I look and you're not there; look and you're not there. I long to touch you and to feel my arms around you, feel my arms around you - but I can't think of right words to say; can't think of right words to say. The song plays itself over and over and over and I feel you in the very words - words that tell me you understand me so perfectly. You know the intensity of my pain and sorrow and you feel so much love for me but I cannot know how deeply you love and long for me. I love and long for you - but I can't think of right things to say.

When I try to express how I feel to the body, they pervert everything I feel so deeply inside. It's twisted and perverted into something else. Something wrong and out of sorts...but you, somehow you understand the meaning. I understand the depth of my longing to love you and to live and show it from loving others who haven't felt love before. 

I am your hands. I am your feet. I am your heart beat. I am the very manifestation of your life. I breathe you. I feel you. I touch you - in ways this body of yours - your church is simply not doing. Your body doesn't feel the intensity of your longing for the multitudes who weep constantly and long to find you but cannot. They long to feel loved and accepted but they look and you're not there.

Am I not your hands; your feet; your weeping eyes that long so much for them? Am I not the manifestation of your love? Is this why I cry so much for them? Is this why I long from the depth of my  heart for these precious ones? I feel the overwhelming passionate love you have for those who are caged up and in bondage; the prisoner in a dark cage where no one will find them. You will find them. I will be your hands; I will be your feet; I will be your vital signs and show them you live - you live through those of us who suffer and feel what they feel.

I am the one who will be your body. I am your body. If I speak with in the tongues of men and of angels and have not love - I am nothing. I serve no good purpose. If I feed only myself - I am a glutton and worthless. I sit at the table and fill myself to the full and become a glutton, feeding only myself and consuming what little time we have left....and giving nothing to anyone. I am truly a vagrant if I care only for myself. 

For when they were hungry, I shared my bread with them. I didn't eat it all and savor the fruits of your presence only for myself but shared your love, your fruit with those whose fragile hearts had nothing on which to feed. 

How can I tell you that I love you...love you - but I can't think of right words to say.

I sing to you:Wherever I am, I'm always thinking of you; always thinking of you - but I look and you're not there. Look and you're not there....if always ends up to one thing, I can't think of right words to say. .You sing to me: Wherever I am, girl I always talking to you and I'm sad that you can't hear....it always ends up to one thing, I look and you're not there... I sing to you: Each night and day I pray in hope that I might find you; hope that I might find you...because hearts can do no more; hearts can do no more and I can't think of right words to say. 

I know that this is one of the most powerful songs I've ever heard sung originally by Cat Stevens but it's the one you planted in my heart - a duet we are singing to each other. It's your special gift to me - a gift not intended for anyone else. It was your special gift to me when you felt my pain; my sadness; my sense of utter abandon. It is your way to comfort me in my solitude. Your longing for me - your way of telling me how much you love me in spite of all of my weakness and longing...longing for release from the pain of this life. How I long to escape this world and be free but you ask me to stay awhile so you an complete your perfect work in me.

No one will know who I was or why I died...but this they will remember - that you and I stood against the utter darkness and fought the good fight - a fight that only warriors fight. Those of us who comprehend the enemy and his attacks on your children...these ones in the darkness who daily destroy themselves cutting and disfiguring their bodies because the pain they feel is so great that they, too wish they were dead They long for the release of death and only someone like me could comprehend that dark place. Only  someone who has walked in the pit of darkness and despair could feel their pain. I've been in pain my whole life - what's a little more gonna matter now?  I hate my life and I can't think of right words to say. I can't think of right words to say...I can't say...I can't say = I just can't think of right words to say...oh, oooh, ooh...oh, oooooh, oh...

I need to feel you, need to feel my arms around you, feel my arms around you. Wherever I am Lord, I'm always thnking of you, always thiinking of you but I look and you're not there...

Then - I hear you again. I hear you...You're still there. You never left. You never left me - never. I long to tell you that I love you - I love you but my words just blow away...just blow away. How can I tell you that I love you-  I love you, my I can't think of right words to say?
 

I know if the body heard this they'd never understand. Their ears are closed. They can't understand...all they can do is gasp in shock and twist beauty into something profane. There's no understanding of the deep things. I just some heretic. It's like the body used to pervert your words because long ago people wanted your words put in a language they understood - in English or in German - the language they spoke and understood. 

That's what you've done for me: put your words into a song that only I could ever understand. I would understand the duet we sing together. I realize the depth of your intense love for me...and how much I love you.

How can I tell you, Jesus - that I love you? I love you? I love you! I love you so much my tears flow like a river. Whoever I'm with, I'm always talking to you but I'm sad that you can't hear...that you can't hear. But now I you can hear. I can hear you...Lord. I can hear. My ears are unstopped and I love you...i'm always thinking of you, always thinking of you. Whoever I'm with, I'm always talking to you...  

I need to know you, I need to put my arms around you like the sea around the shore...each night and day I pray ...How can I tell you ? I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you, but my words just blow away. It's always comes up to one thing Jesus, I can't think of right words to say...
 

Now I know how much you love me...I need you - I need you,  Jesus. Please stay with me in those dark places so others can hear you singing to them, help them to hear your voice as I hear it and sing back to you.  So they can feel your warmth, heart your heart beat. Your heart beat - feel your breath and hear you sing to them as you as you sing to me. We are a duet and maybe they will sing back to you - and maybe they'll sing, "I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you, feel my arms around you, like the sea around the shore".