Need advice!!

[dakota190]

I am not a counselor, i am just a man that has seen the damage to both men and women, from one or the other engageing in such selfish and demeaning actions that can and does damage several generations at a time. of course i'm sure he doesn't think there is a problem with his behavior, he is having his entertainment, as it were, and he is not having his feet held to the fire, so he ignores the damage his is causing you and potentially your children. if he is having a relationship with another woman on the internet, and she knows he is married and still sends borderline pictures to him, he is already having an affair, he does not have to think this will lead to an affair. it already has. emotionally and mentally and to some extent, probably even physically. he will eventually cause you to lose all self image, except for a negative one. at some point he will cause you to think you are so ugly, so boring, so, anything, that you will believe, that no one else would ever have you, so you won't ever leave him. this is abuse!!

definitely seek proper, christian related, therapy. you will have some very difficult decisions to make soon, you will need to have a firm foundation when that time comes. remember, what a young child sees his parent(s) do, he will imprint on his own mind and you will see this activity replayed in their lives. as to what they do or what they allow others do to them.

walk with your head up!!!! God Bless

[Guest truds]

Jackie,

I'm sure by this time you believe him when he says its all in your head. You question your own judgement, then think clearly and realise that what he is doing is wrong. It is very important that you protect yourself emotionally, spiritually. How do you do that practically?

1. Go and think about who you really are (not the person that your husband tells you you are)

2. Ask God how he sees you and study scripture:

Chosen: Ps 27:10:Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up (adopt me as His child)

Belong: 1 John 4:4 Little children, you are of God, you belong to Him...

Precious: Isiah 43:4 Because you are precious in My sight and honored, and because I love you, I will give men in return for you and peoples in exchange for your life.

Lovable: Isiah 54:10 For though the mountains should depart and the hills be shaken or removed, yet My love and kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace and completeness be removed, says the Lord, Who has compassion on you.

3. Think about your options. If you decide to stay married, there needs to be boundaries. Go and write out a list of what you will allow and what not. Ask God daily to protect you with His shield.

4. Talk to God about your anger, hurt, resentment, disgust etc. You'll be amazed at the peace He gives you when you lay it all at His feet.

5. As a mother you need to protect your kids. You can do this by not discussing the issues in front of them or have them exposed to his activities in any way. You do have some power and responsibility in this regard.

6. Go for counselling if at all possible. When you struggle with this alone, you lose perspective and see no hope. Your children deserve to have a whole mother.

7. Keep on praying for him. His is bound in his sexual sins and needs God desperately.

8. Fill yourself up everyday. Sing to praises to God even if you feel your heart wants to break. Pray constantly even it you say the same thing over and over again. Do something nice for yourself everyday because you deserve it as a child of the Most Highest King. Take a bubblebath, read a beautiful poem, eat your favourite chocolate.

9. Know that God really works all things together for good - even this situation.

I will pray for you.

[Guest Sunshine & Smiles]

Blessings Jackie;

One thing I want to say to you, is to Take A Stand, don't let anyone trample you down, break your spirit, or cause you to think Less of yourself. I think you need to know how wonderful you are, how precious in the Sight of God you are. This man treats you the way he does BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.

Start believing in yourself, and you will have POWER over him, and perhaps turn his head back onto YOU, and away from his 'feddishes'. You have four beautiful children and one on the way -- start taking care of yourself, too, and get your CONFIDENCE BACK.

I love Dr. Phil's books, perhaps you could invest in a few of them, and take his advice.

All marriages with children (unless there is physical or mental abuse) are worth saving.

I question your husband's morals, and his spiritual welfare. What is he teaching your children? What if one of your children get exposed to the pornography? Not good. He needs to clean up his act, but YOU, my precious Sister, need to gain some SELF CONFIDENCE, and not LISTEN to HIM.

No one can 'make you feel or think' anything. YOU are in control of your thoughts and feelings, and whatever he says in disrespect to you -- IGNORE IT.

Look in the mirror and see what God sees. A vibrant, loving, beautiful Woman of God, with POWER from on High. You can Do Anything, through Christ who strengthens you. Ephesians is good reading material.

I love this little book called "Life is Tremendous" by Charlie Jones, its always worked to help ME when I feel blue and down on myself.

You've lost your way, only temporarily. You are a work in progress, start making some changes to turn his Affection Back toward you -- it will take CONFIDENCE in YOURSELF, and an I CAN DO Attitude., and you can start by telling him, you are NOT going to Take any Verbal Abuse, that you are a wonderful mother, and a dedicated wife, and a Child of God with Power from On High. You are righteous, redeemed, sanctified, justified and WORTHY of HIS UNDIVIDED ATTENTION - and LOVE.

Lust is adultery -- don't stand for it. If he doesn't and won't change, KICK HIM TO THE CURB.

But you, my precious lady, Need CONFIDENCE to Conquer your delima.

Love and Prayers

Sunshine

Edited June 11, 2006 by Sunshine & Smiles

[sierra21]

Jackie,

I think everyone has contributed some awesome advice on here. Now, in response to what you wrote about seperating from your husband being hard on your children...do you think it will be easier for them to grow up seeing their father constantly disrespect their mother? Do you want your children to constantly see you guys fighting? I guess my issue is that your husband HAS committed adultery simply by starting romantic relationships over the internet. In the bible, God does say that divorce is allowed if someone has committed adultery. Even though you should make every possible attempt to fix the marriage (and from what I read, it seems you have made quite a few attempts)- this may be an avenue you should consider. I grew up in a home where my parents constantly fought, and I absolutely hated it. I wanted my parents to be happy,and there was nothing I could do or say to make them happy. As a child I didn't know what was going on but I was scared, because I didn't want to see my parents angry with eachother. When I got older I felt responsible because the reason my parents stayed together was because they didn't want my brother and I to be without a united set of parents. Trust me, they didn't us any favors. I guess I just wanted you to know that even though you think that you are being a good mother by staying with your husband, your kids arent stupid. They see what's going on, and they hate it just as much as you do. I'm praying for you, I hope that everything works out.

Sierra

[Giaour]

If your eyes offend thee and cause you to sin, pluck them out.

I say pluck his eyes out.

[Jackie0621]

There are times when it all seems easier if I just left but no road is an easy road. Life is not easy for that matter. My husband and myself never fight in front of the kids. I know they probably feelthe tension but really there isn't even that. My husband does not like to talk about his problems or the problems facing our family. For him, avoidence is the best answer. He says it is because he has no answer or excuse. His sexual addiction to him is a private matter which he tries to hide from me at all costs. Most of them he does not know I know about. He knows how I feel but says he cannot help himself. I realize that with any addiction the bonds are hard to break and until he is ready there is nothing I can do but pray for him. I have been leaning on Christ for this. Patience is something that I have prayed for a lot over the years and seem to recieve when I need it the most. I do not want to hurt the kids. Maybe that is not an excuse to stay but they deserve at least the fighting chance for our family. I have watched my husband go from bad to worse over the last month. He is fighting his personal demons. His family is trapped by porn. His father is addicted and joined a nudist colony. His brother is in jail for a sexual related crime. He was also addicted to pornography. His mother is a Christian but only became one again in the last three years. His whole family was when he was younger but his Dad gave that up when my husband was about thirteen. His father refuses to have anything to do with the church or God. Now so does my husband. He barely believes God exists because he prayed and cried for deliverence and nothing happened. He said he was still in bondage. To him that means that there is no God. This all happened a few years ago. I do not know what the right thing to do here is. Yes it hurts. Yes my self estem suffers even though I know it has nothing to do with me. When I pray though I can't help but feel like if I leave I would be turning him over to only sin further. Then he would have noone that beleives in God in his life. I have prayed and meditated on all the advice everyone has given me and still have no definate answer. My husband has said to me that he does not like to talk to me about it because if I knew what he really thought about I would leave. I also know the devil has him wrapped tightly. What if me and God are the only things standing in his wasy from something much worse? I am due to have this baby in about six weeks and have no idea how things are going to turn out but for now I am holding on to faith.

[part_time_christian]

Hey Jackie

Well as a hardcore porn addict myself i can identify what your husband is going through. All i can say is lust sucks. However even as a Christian, once you get trapped by lust and porn you tend to lose hope. For me sexual sin is unique in the instant barrier it throws up between me and God once i fall. Even though my head tells me go get back up and submit to God for forgivness the rest of me just gives in to sin and i feel like the Devil's whore, doing whatever pleases me (or atleast i try, you can't please lust) no matter how perverse the images are. It is also interesting how you feel about God when you are under the influence of lust, then God is unfair and too strict. Christianity is nothing but a bunch of rules to keep you from having fun.. etc.

My advice is that if you have the money to look at professional counselling, if not for both of you then at least for yourself. If you don't have the means for this then at least seek out other women who have or are going through similar circumstances as you are. One additional link that you may wish to check out is:

http://www.blazinggrace.org/index.html

I believe that they offer phone counselling as well (not blazinggraze themselves but they can point it out to you). They also have a forum and a call in show that you can listen to through the archives.

If you can't hook up with a counsellor then hopefully the opinions of experienced women will give you more knowledge to assist any difficult decisions you may have to make in the future.

I would love to be able to help more but i am still fighting this battle myself, as well as many men are across North America i am afraid...

Edited July 12, 2006 by part_time_christian