bornagain2011

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I personally don't believe that Ezekiel saw a UFO, but I will definitely have to ask him about it when I meet him one day lol.

It's good that some higher up in the government are realizing that they are demons. I wonder what this could mean in the coming future.

I believe it could create chaos. Think about it, people would rather believe that there are benevolent or even not benevolent beings out in our universe rather than demonic forces that the world has no way of fighting back against. They would lose hope.

There was a scientist on YouTube that was discussing why he believes they are demons based on science, one of the reasons is that these objects fly at 5,000-10,000 mph and there is no sonic boom. They defy the laws of physics completely. An object in universe should not be able to physically do the things they are able to do, they would be destroyed. And they tend to blip in and out of our dimension. It's crazy.

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We are told Earth will be our eternal home. Will we require oxygen to live? If there is a vacuum in space, are we restricted to the planet's surface? We will still eat and enjoy it; the angels eat the food of angels, manna. Will it still be for nourishing our bodies or for pleasure, appreciation, and life? I have more questions than Carter had liver pills.

I think about these things a lot too Dennis, I always wonder what things will be like, what will our bodies be like? Will we feel pain? Eat for our health? I believe we will have work to do, what will the currency system be like? So many questions!

The Bible says that after the 1,000 year reign everything will be made new, new heavens, new earth, and at that time New Jerusalem will come down as a bride adorned for her husband. So it will be on the new earth, it will be in the dimensions of a cube, the width will be the same as the height,  at least the wall will be as high as the length and width, not sure about the height of the city structures. 

It will take up over the length of the US,but the US won't exist of course, but that gives you an idea of it's vastness. More than enough space for all of us, plus there will be nations outside of the great city where believers will live too.

https://relevantmagazine.com/current/world/christian-pentagon-officials-halted-ufo-research-over-fear-that-aliens-are-demons/

From the article, 

 A UFO researcher is claiming that Pentagon commanders are trying to put the brakes on extraterrestrial studies due to their Christian beliefs.

  Ron James, director of media relations for the UFO research group MUFON, has shared that US government officials are concerned aliens might actually be demons in disguise. James said that the government-sanctioned Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program faced opposition from “a very large contingent of people” within the Pentagon who believe the Unidentified Aerial Phenomena reported by US military sources were potentially piloted by creatures from Hell.

  James went on to share that Luis Elizondo, the head of AATIP, struggled to get proper funding because of this group of individuals. Elizondo allegedly said it “was not just a little voice in The Pentagon…but a huge group of people thought the phenomenon that was being witnessed was demons.”

  Despite religious leaders, including Pope Francis, acknowledging that there is likely life on other planets, this group of officials are wary. In fact, Jones mentioned his conversation with Christian U.S. Congressman Tim Burchett.

“I sat down and interviewed him,” Jones said. “His feeling was that if you look in the Bible and you look at Ezekiel building the wheel there’s a lot of people that think that that was a spaceship.”

Jones clarified on Julian Dorsey’s podcast he does not think aliens are demons, but simply beings from a different universe

Could this be part of the future deception? Do you think they should reveal their concerns to the public? How do you think the public would react?

Hello all! Feels good to be last

Hello everyone! Been thinking about yall! How are you doing?

First let me start by saying this is not about me, but my good friend who I will call Karen.

So Karen has been with her husband for maybe 16 years, they have two boys ages 10 and 12.

Their relationship has always been very rocky. She tells me that he lacks empathy, stays up really late on his phone and wont come to bed, has a temper and lashes out, and whines and guilts her into being intimate. She on the other hand can not apologize, is proud and wont admit her wrongs, she also has a temper. I have seen him parked around town texting, and he was let go from a few teaching jobs because of being inappropriate with teenage girls.

I have been friends with her for probably 10 years, I have seen them going around in circles. Things get really bad to the point she almost leaves, and then they do counseling with couples from church, or she makes the same guy from church talk to him to try and change him. Things go.. ok for a little bit, but they both wont change. He does all the christian things, they even led a marriage bible study together.

Recently they got into a big fight waiting for their boys to get out of Awana, and he just got out of the car and walked away in the dark, her and her boys drove around looking for him for a long long time, she had to call for help to find him, which they finally did. Her boys were crying and now afraid he will do that again.

This past week she told me she wanted to leave, but she financially cant because she is a stay at home mom, and he wont let her take the boys because she is "abusive", apparently he was yelling and calling her names. She left to stay at her parent's home for a few days. She is setting up a meeting between the guy from church to talk some sense into him. And so the cycle continues. 

I have a coffee date with her on Saturday. My question is at what point does she separate? How do you know if they will never change? Her mental and physical health is failing because of the stress. How do I advise her? How many chances does she give him? Does she stay for the next 50 years with him never changing and her becoming a shell of a person?

Thank you

14 hours ago, debrakay said:

@bornagain2011 Without writing a huge, long post, I will just say, "Been there. Done that."  It was 20 years ago and we are still married and it's close to 40 years now.  We did separate for 2 weeks.  We did get counseling from several different pastors.  He read the book Every Man's Battle and I read the book Every Woman's Battle but there are probably some new books out there now.  My family almost lost the battle over this but I believe that because we took every step we could possibly take and we had faith that God would restore what the devil had done, we somehow made it when so many others have called it quits.  Have I forgiven him? Yes.  Have I forgotten what it did to me and my self-worth and self-esteem? No.  Will I ever 100% trust him? Honestly, no.  I am older and wiser now and can look back and see we were raising a family, working our jobs, building and caring for a home, going to sporting events, going to church, being busy, busy, busy.  We rarely took the extra time needed every single week to focus on just us.  Walks, drives, dinners out, just spending a few hours without the world bombarding us were so few and far between.  I should mention that at that time we only had computers and I took the computer out and disconnected the internet. By golly, if he was going to commit adultery using the internet he would not be doing it in our house.  He could just go to the library!  Now days, those awful cell phones are just mini-computers and filled with the same trash.  I am glad I had the stamina to withstand what the devil was trying to do to my marriage and my family and I hope and pray you have the same stamina.  In 20 years you may be able to encourage another sister to hang in there.  The vow you made to your husband, you also made to God, so by sticking with that commitment you will be blessed.  One last thing, if he starts kicking you and not the cat then it might be time to call it a day.  Violence is not something to ever be taken lightly and I can tell you stories about that from my first marriage but will spare us all. Blessings sister!  I am praying the Holy Spirit moves in both of you!

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you guys made it through, your story gives me hope. My husband and I do get some time alone together each week because our kids go to school and my husband works a shift where he gets a few days off during the week. 

I have read both of those books you mentioned, they are very good, and some of the best that I've read regarding that topic. I like how they are very practical. 

37 minutes ago, leah777 said:

Sorry but please read about what constitutes abuse. Passive aggressive is anger. Sarcasm is anger. Silent treatment is anger. It's anger in a different form from what you think.

 

Telling someone the truth is not accusing the brethren. Emotional adultery is adultery. Mental adultery is adultery. 

He may not be yelling, but he is feeling anger and expressing it. Please get some help from a wise unconnected councillor on these behaviours of his, and do research on gaslighting, and the wider face of abuse and control.

He doesn't need to shout or hit. He gets his way, and has you focused on him without needing to be aggressive.

Peace and blessings to you.

Thank you. He definitely has gaslighted me before. He changes his story about some of the details about him and the 19 year old, as if the original story wasn't BURNED into my mind forever! He told me today that his supervisor from that job was out to get him fired, and that's why there was an investigation done on him and that woman, even though there was something else that came out right before which was going to get him fired and they needed to pull footage for. I told him that it doesn't make sense I said "if your boss had evidence that would cause you to be fired, why would he need to pull footage of you and her, and falsify documents to try and get you fired? Why would he risk his OWN job to falsify documents, when he already had evidence about something else to get you fired?"  my husband's response was "he wanted to make extra sure I got fired". This whole comversation came up because I asked him again about how on the report it said him and the woman disappeared off camera for a few hours, and that at another time the footage showed him sticking his head out of a room really quick while they were in the room together (as if to check if someone was coming), and NOW the answer he gives me is different, NOW he says his boss actually lied on the report and made stuff up. I don't believe that at all. And I was very offended that my husband thought I was such an idiot. His boss had to send the report AND footage off to headquarters to be looked at, now why in the world would he send a falsified report with video footage that would show the contrary? It makes no sense at all.

Some other things he did with her, he gave her a massage (he went to school to be a massage therapist), he gave her a ride home at least once, he texted her all hours and deleted them, after he was fired he had to meet with her one last time to give her something that needed to be taken back to work, he talked to her about our marriage, he told her if her boyfriend doesn't want them talking that there are other ways they could talk, one of the last texts between them he said "I will miss you... all". He can not give a reason or motive for any of this. He swears to God he had no impure intentions and that nothing happened. So either he is telling the truth, and this is one of several times that I just have to say "well, it doesn't look good, but I guess he is innocent", or he really is some sort of sociopath, which is hard to believe as well because he has shown remorse a few times. 

We "made up" earlier, we cried, hugged each other, and said sorry. We don't stay mad very long. But I don't want to just pretend that everything is fine. I want to be married to someone I trust. 

Sorry for the long rant, it feels good to let it out. 

Thank you for your response, I didn't realize that emotional/mental abuse could look like that. But I think pretty much everyone would be divorced if they decided they were done with their spouses passive aggressiveness, their anger, etc. No one would be married because we all have a sin nature. I would say that I have the tendency to be selfish, manipulative, verbally abusive at times to my husband (not super bad, but calling him a liar and accusing him). I just think about how much better my husband is than my exes. Maybe that's naive or foolish, but I have a hard time knowing that the truth is and what to do. According to worldly standards I should've left my husband a long time ago, but by God's standards you are not supposed to divorce.

3 hours ago, leah777 said:

The threat of divorce is an effective tool to shut you up. It's the verbal equivalent of a blow. It is manipulative and controlling.

I will ask: do you both have a fulfilling and loving intimate life together? What is his excuse for porn?

I asked him today if he wanted to separate, he said it seems like that is what I want because I have been argumentative etc. I told him it seems that is what HE wants because HE keeps bringing it up. He said he doesn't. I told him I don't either because I don't want to destroy our son's life if our marriage isn't that horrible. And also, I can't afford to live in the house with the three kids, we would have to get an apartment, I would have to go back into the workforce, which I don't want to do because I want to be home with my kids. So a divorce would completely turn everything upside down. 

We have no choice but to stay together. 

As far as intimacy goes, he rarely initiates, he wants me to initiate. And I don't really think about sex unless I am thinking "it's been a few days, he would probably need it". I have some hang ups around it because of my past, so it takes a lot of effort for me to be vulnerable to him. And when he is caught watching things... oh boy... that REALLY shuts me down, and only confirms what my past abuse has taught me- I AM JUST A PEICE OF MEAT, put on this earth for men's pleasure. I have shared all of these thoughts with my husband before. I have told him that I feel like just another piece of meat, that if I don't do what he wants as often as he wants, he will just get his need met with a different piece of meat.

We are intimate often enough, few times a week usually. His excuse for watching porn? "I'm sorry, I was dumb". When he was having an emotional relationship with the 19 year old woman (and watching porn), I had just given birth to our son, so I had a c-section I was recovering from, plus post partum depression, and then I had to go back in 8 weeks later for another operation, so I was in very bad shape, plus a bit heavier than I was before by 30 lbs (which supposedly has never bothered him). His excuse that time was that I was distant from him, and this other woman enjoyed talking to him and was fun. He was up texting her at night when he was supposed to be watching our son. He swears up and down, and on his son's life that nothing physically happened between them, just lots of flirting. I think he was on his way to committing adultery before he got fired.

You see, when we were dating we were BOTH watching porn. BUT, I got saved and became convicted and stopped, whereas he was already a Christian and should've known better. We were also intimate (not living together though) before I was saved, and one of the major reasons we got married was because I - NOT HIM, felt convicted about it. I felt too weak to stop, and he had no desire to stop. So many red flags.... flirty FB messages between him a other females he knew etc. But I only saw the good things, he didn't have a temper, he adored his mama, he treated me like a queen, we just got along so so good, we were best friends. I still consider us really good friends, our personalities seem to work so well together. 

Thank you for your comment, my reply was probably much more than you needed to hear. I haven't talked to anyone in real life about our problems recently. My husband says marriages should be private.

11 hours ago, clancy said:

He started kicking her against a wall....did you take this cat to the vets to get him/ her checked out...what if that kick had caused some internal bleeding/ problems....personally that would have been my first port of call.....that poor cat!!......

When he kicked her it wasn't hard. After some of my shock wore off I went to check her out and see if she was ok. She didn't cry or anything. I think she was mostly just freaked out. I couldn't really process at the time what to do, I kind of froze and went dumb. This was the first time that I have seen him act this way towards our cats. She has been attacking our new kitten that we got last month, he isn't really little, but about 6 months old. I think my husband had just had enough. She was going to attack him while he was using the litter box. 

12 hours ago, AnOrangeCat said:

I've found that the use of scripture in personal arguments can come off as very much a blunt force thing, but sometimes it's needed. So far as the cat goes there's Proverbs 12:10, which says that the righteous regard the lives of their animals. Unless the cats have a history of violently fighting with each other or the younger one has some special conditions it's probably best to let them figure out the pecking order and their boundaries on their own. I say this as someone who's had cats for about 20 years.

Regarding his reluctance to see the pastor for counseling, Galatians 6:2 tells us to "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ". Sharing our problems with other Christians is what allows us to do that. That really applies to sharing with your friend, too. The very least any fellow Christian can do is to lend an ear to you. Another thing to keep in mind is that the Bible also encourages a certain amount of social pressuring when it comes to dealing with sin as outlined in Matthew 18:15-17. There's also what Jesus said in Matthew 5:29: If an eye causes us to stumble, pluck it out. Don't push for a literal interpretation there. It's probably less about the eye and more about ease of access. The porn is an addiction so it should be treated as such. Part of breaking addictions is making them difficult to access.

I have to agree with DDisconnect that you should draw a hard line. Aside from the counseling part of that should involve letting you set up and control the necessary filters to block pornography on the computer. It's a long way from being perfect or foolproof, but every hurdle you put between an addict and their addiction helps.

About the cat, so we got a new kitten last month, he isn't like an itty bitty kitten, but about 6 months old. Well, our older cat hasn't warmed up to him yet, she has gotten better, but sometimes she will hiss or bat at him. Our new kitten was using the litter box and our older cat quickly went over like she was going to attack, that's when my husband leaped up from the kitchen table where we were sitting, and ran over there and kicked her (not hard) about 2 or 3 times. She didn't hit the back wall, but he was kicking her back towards the wall. She didn't cry out, but she was trying to get away from him. It was very hard to witness.

My husband is reluctant to see the Pastor for marital counseling because he wants someone who is older and wiser, and counsels for a living. Pastor is only 34 and has only pastored for a year. And my husband doesn't want him knowing personal details about me or the marriage. My husband did send Pastor a text this morning asking for a recommendation for a good marriage counselor, Pastor said he couldn't think of one but he would like to help, to which my husband thanked him but said they will talk more later. 

The only internet access we have at our house is my old smart phone, which I have a parental control app on it, our old tablet- which I don't think he would use because it is glitchy, and this laptop I am using right now- that I changed the login password to last night. 

My husband has internet access at work in the computer room which is sometimes empty, and he told me that he can hear when people are about to come in. That is the computer he was watching "youtube videos" on. But I am suspicious that he was actually accessing real porn sites through it, and/or dating sites, because he started getting a lot of spam from those sites sent to his phone. And I don't think you get spam from watching videos on Youtube. But that is another thing he swears up and down about, that it was youtube videos of women dancing, not porn sites. I even made him swear on my life (yeah I know that's immature). 

I kind of feel angry about even having to put locks on devices, I feel like if he really loved me he just wouldn't look at those things. How can a man love his wife if he wants other women? If he loves me he wouldn't be tempted to want to be with other women.

16 hours ago, DDisconnect said:

... Why is it that when people are in what seems to be an abusive or an at least unhealthy relationship, most advise to just stick around and try to be a good Christian example? Like yeah, maybe they can change, but I'd say that's probably not the common occurance. It's probably far more common that some poor sister just stays in an abusive situation because of some sense of religious duty.

You suspect that he is or has been cheating on you, and there is multiple instances with proof. He has shown as aptitude for emotional manipulation and denial of responsibility. He brings up divorce often I think because he wants to move on but just like his Bible reading and moral postulation, he wants you to initiate it so he still looks like a good guy or whatever. And he may not have kicked the cat hard, but he is seemingly unbothered by it. He emotionally manipulates you by telling you that if you divorce him, he will watch porn whenever he wants - that is manipulation and coercion, that should not be taken lightly. In fact, most of when and if he does seem bothered or tries to make excuses, I'd assume it's because he fears you might blab about it to someone - such as when you told the pastor about him looking at porn. So all he's likely doing is just playing you for a fool, from your side of it. Even if he seems to get better, claims he isn't talking to women or anything, has he not claimed similar before? Has he not apologized before just to do the exact same thing yet again?

I know how this goes. My brother will tell people whatever they want to hear. I will get a job, I will be well behaved, I regret what I did to you before, please, I'm going to kill myself cause nobody loves me have pity please. And so you give in, you let him in because he makes you feel guilty or sorry, and you know what happens? He doesn't get a job, he doesn't get himself together, and it ends the same way it always does, with violence. He doesn't get his way and so he gets nasty. The only reason my brother is actually kind of getting his life together right now is because he hit absolute rock bottom and because he doesn't have someone to leech off of and abuse. And I know your husband hasn't raised his hand at you, near as I can tell, but the fact he sees no issue with kicking a small animal is kind of a massive red flag that he has that potential to be a dangerous fellow.

The others have not given terrible advice, I just think it's neglectful of the details. My advice would be an ultimatum of sorts. Tell him you wish to seek counseling from an older, experienced pastor. And if he refuses or yet again displays how incapable of changing he is, bring up 1 Cor 7:12-16

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To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

______

If he really wants a divorce, just let him go. It's absolutely not worth it to try and drag it out longer and just spend your life as a punching bag. Being a Christian doesn't mean you have to be subjected to that kind of treatment. That, and adultery is grounds for divorce as well and I'd say it seems likely he's guilty of that in more than a few ways. 

He now says he wouldn't watch porn or do anything sinful if we separated, but I have doubts about that. I don't have solid proof that he physically cheated, just emotionally cheated, and mentally cheated.

We had a long talk/argument today where we were both honest with each other, I hope he was honest with me. It was emotional. He swears up and down he has never physically cheated on me. 

He is not usually an angry person. I have been in physically abusive relationships before, and this isn't one. He loses his temper, but it's pretty rare. He usually just holds his thoughts and emotions in, and expresses it through passive aggressive actions, sarcastic remarks, or silent treatment. He tells me he doesn't know how to communicate his feelings when he is angry without blowing up, so he shoves it down.

Our argument today was basically me venting to him about why I don't trust him, all of the things he has done in the past, all of the holes in his stories etc. He just sat there taking it (like usual), and in the end I just feel like I pretty much verbally abused him, especially when I remember the scripture that says Satan is the accuser of the brethren. Which is basically what I did.

31 minutes ago, Starise said:

I was afraid my response would sound one sided to you as the woman who has to put up with these things. This was not my intention. I am in no way excusing his behavior. The man I described is a man who wants to do the right thing, is a true believer and wants to change for good.

I came from a household where my mother was a Christian and my dad was not. My mom was in church while my dad was out at the bars. My dad didn't seem to have a conscience. He just did what he wanted to do and looked at my mom like she was nuts, even ran her down to friends. So I LIVED in that and I seen it first hand. Not only that, HIS dad had no interest in God at all so it seems to have ran in that side of the family. In pursuit of women and drink  I seen my dad destroy both our family and his life. Yet there was one foundation in our family- My mother. Her life eventually led to him changing, however this took a very long time to happen. The Lord took her at a fairly young age which in looking back I think was a blessing.

I sincerely hope God gets a choke hold on your husband before things get too bad. My dad had to loose everything to eventually wake up and smell the coffee. Only God can change a heart. Much prayer is needed. Counselling might help to some extent, but really it's a lot like a diet. A person can go on as many diets as they want to but if they don't stick to it and really want to loose weight they will remain overweight. Some people will attend counselling because it looks good on the outside, then they can argue they tried "counselling' and it didn't work. If he gets dragged into counselling complaining about it I would doubt his sincerity.

He might need some tough love to get the point across. Not everyone is the same. People often tend to get complcent in relationships and often take each other for granted. He seems to need a wakeup call from the Lord.

Thank you for your response. I was not offended at all

My husband told me today that he is trying to change, he doesn't talk to any women at work at all, and doesn't feel tempted to watch anything online. I hope that it's the Lord changing him and not him trying to change himself.

I like that analogy about dieting, it is really helpful because I can relate to that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. You have to "earn" permanent weight loss by BECOMING a different person inside, you can't just crash diet your way to slim and expect to stay that way because you didn't really change.

I guess I can't expect my marriage to be perfect, it's going to take work because we aren't perfect. It takes work and consistency, like weight loss. 

I am really sorry you grew up in that kind of environment. I can't imagine going through that. My parents had problems too, I guess my dad was a drinker, and did drugs etc, but my parents always argued behind closed doors. My mom was not a christian, but she drug us to catholic church while my dad stayed home to watch Nascar.

If I were to be honest, I would say I need a wake up call as well, God needs to soften my heart as well. I want to want to try, if that makes sense.

23 minutes ago, Starise said:

I don't know your husband so I would doubt I totally know everything that's going on. I can only give a generalization of some men I know who have been through similar things. Men often feel that it's a sign of weakness to ask for help. To go to a meeting and talk about weaknesses they have can be VERY difficult. Some will only go if things get very very bad first leaving all other options off the table, ESPECIALLY if going means there could be a potential breach of confidentiality. I once went to a church where the pastor talked about people he has spoken with. Things that "were not supposed to get out". My church has an appointed deacon or friend you can go to . This has to be a person you trust. 

He might feel he has a grip on this weakness only to slip up again occasionally. Since he has already seen how you respond he will be hesitant to be transparent if failure occurs again. He may be having trouble admitting to himself that he needs help so he minimizes it so he won't have to deal with it and maybe hoping he can eventually deal with it quietly and discretely. All of this internal struggle is likely tearing him apart on the inside and it occasionally comes out in how outward behavior because the harder to pretend everything is alright such as kicking the cat and then denying it was as bad as it really was. Some sins need much prayer and a contrite heart to get away from. If anything he really needs you more than ever through this. To distance from him will make him feel those closest to him are alienating him when he needs them the most.

It appears there is an internal struggle going on he is dealing with. If he is a child of God, and if he really desires to change, God will change his heart. I would challenge him to ask God to do whatever is necessary to change. You need to be patient here. This isn't always an overnight sort of change.

The pros- He is reading the Bible. He is in church. He seems to have a love for the Lord. You say he is pretty much a good man. There are no perfect men.

Throwing the Divorce/separation word around for effect can be very harmful. In a way this is letting him down because when you married him you promised to be with him. Most vows say for better or worse. Truly good relationships do not end when there are problems. Pornographic addiction can be a very hard thing to admit, especially if he is around men who say that having this drive aside from marriage is "normal" male sex drive. It may be common but it should not be normal for a believer to be involved in. God will convict a true believer of this. If he was involved in a compromising situation, then this was a very unwise move. We should never put ourselves in a position to easily fall. He needs to cater to better surroundings and people, especially good Christian men. It may be a blessing he was fired.

The sad thing is that today if a woman wants a divorce and seeks support for her decision she will often find it if she listens to those voices the devil puts in her path. Satan would like nothing better than to split your marriage and have your children caught in the middle of it. You will pay for a bad decision for many many years to come. It doesn't magically go away when you sign divorce papers. In many ways it creates more problems that never go away. Trust me on that one.

I would pray for him continually that the Lord will show him what he needs to do and that the Lord will do whatever is necessary to get him away from it. Just a fair warning. It might not be pretty but God knows what He is doing.

 

Well, I was hoping that when he would see how absolutely crushed I was each time I found out he would feel awful and never do it again, he would SEEM to feel awful, but it would happen again. The last time it happened I told him I would leave him if it happened again, and when I found out this last time and reminded him of what I said he said "I forgot you had said that" how convenient. Him flirting with women and watching porn makes me feel like they are what he really wants and he just has to be with me because we are married, but I am not what he REALLY wants. 

When I found out the last time it was because his phone kept getting spam, and he kept changing his story over and over again and doing the whole "trickle truth" so I don't even know now what the truth is. I just sat there, not screaming or crying, just so over it. And then I found out some other stuff that night, like a female co worker had tried to entice him to go to the bathroom with him, and he had been talking to her, and somehow knows where she lives. This was about 5 months ago. I almost separated from him that night, but my friend convinced me to stay with him and join a marriage group (which was a flop) and do a mentoring program. 

I don't know how I could stick with him emotionally and not alienate him when he is being unfaithful. I would feel like I was rewarding bad behavior. And I feel like I can't keep submitting and touching that hot stove to keep getting burnt over and over again. 

We apologized a little while ago. Not like we will ever resolve the issue because he still doesn't think he did anything wrong even though he said he DID kick her, but he won't admit it was wrong. Yet I must forgive him. 

So you think I should be closer to him and loving etc? But what happens if he either drops his guard and confesses MORE stuff, or he sees me being so nice and decides to take advantage of that and sneak around because he gets the best of both worlds?

Him and I both know that we married for the wrong reasons. I was feeling very convicted about being intimate without being married, and I knew we couldn't stay away from each other, and I didn't want anyone else to have him, and also I loved how he made me feel. He married me I guess because he loved me? He thought marriage would be fun and it should be pretty easy. Yes, he told me these things. And he likes things easy with the least amount of effort possible. Projects get half done around the house, and left for a long time before I mention things and he does them in a big huff. So that's the kind of energy he puts in to working on our marriage as well. He doesn't want to talk about hard stuff. That's why he would talk to other women at work and flirt with them because they were fun etc. This is what he told me. I just feel like I am not good enough, never good enough.

If God convicts true believers, then how come I always have to PRY the truth out of my husband??! He will take his lies to his grave, he doesn't act convicted AT ALL. He acts completely normal while he is caught up in sin. It's so scary. Yet, when I talk too long to pastor, or comment on a guy's fb post I feel awful and tell my husband all about it. I tell him everything. Maybe too much. But I hate feeling convicted, it eats me up inside. When I have sinned in the past by being emotionally entangled with a man at our old church, I would feel so so convicted about every single text, even though they were seldom and usually always about ministry, I would have to tell my husband right away because I felt awful. I couldn't eat or sleep, it affected my mood. But my husband... acts the same.

This is why we need counseling. Now I feel like it is all my fault again, like I am crazy and over reacting. I don't think I could divorce, I have been through a previous divorce and it affected my 2 girls even though they were young, so I couldn't do that to our little boy. But sometimes I daydream about being free, free of fighting and arguments, free of worry and paranoia. I just want to be happy. I want to either be alone and happy, or with someone who loves me enough to be truthful with me and loyal to me. One thing I know for certain though, if something were to happen and I ended up alone again I will stay that way. Marriage is too much work and too much pain. I envy single people sometimes because they don't have to deal with an unfaithful spouse, or all the disagreements all the time. 

35 minutes ago, BK1110 said:

A referral would be a good idea. No degree is nessicary, just the Bible; if your husband hears God's word and will not obey the Lord's commands, I don't see how someone with a degree will change that.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body." -- Ephesians 5:25-30

I'm in my 30s, never been a pastor, never been to seminary, never been to college. It doesn't take fancy training, just knowing and believing and applying God's word. Have your husband read that passage. You know, the preceding two verses are about wives submitting to their husbands, and that's all it is; just to submit. Then you get five long verses about husbands loving their wives to the same degree that Christ Jesus himself loves the church. That is an extremely serious and heavy burden. He's not just to love you, but to love you to the degree of sacrificing his own needs, indeed his own life if nessicary, for you, and to be your spiritual leader and guide, teaching scripture, and modeling his life after Christ. Reading that passage, that much is clear. Can your husband say he is following that order from the Lord as to how he is to lead your household? Does he even care?

This is why counseling from a strong, preferably older male Christian who is steeped in the Word of God is so critical. He must be confronted with the sins that clearly have strongholds in his life and heart. We are called to abhor and make war against our sin. Your husband's flippancy about the whole thing is very telling.

Thank you for your advice. My husband is in his 40's and I am in my 30's, like our Pastor who is actually a few years younger. I think it would be a good idea to get counseling from an older person. I need to also ask God to soften my heart as well because I am fairly bitter and resentful about a lot of things from the past. I need help with forgiveness and moving on.

46 minutes ago, BK1110 said:

You do indeed need counseling from a strong, Godly pastor. If you feel your current pastor is not up to the task, you might need to ask yourself if he is up to the task of leading a congregation. A pastor that cannot give Godly, Biblical counsel to see someone to repentance of sin...is that even a pastor at all?

He says he can do it, but he doesn't have a degree etc so he would use the bible. He doesn't have experience YET with marriage counseling. He has offered to counsel us, but my husband doesn't want to make things weird between them. Even pastor's wife said it might make coming to church weird for us. 

I talked to my husband some more before I took the kids out for a few hours. That's when he admitted that he was kicking her. He asked if I wanted to separate. I don't think so, but it hurts that he doesn't seem to care. Maybe I am over reacting, if I just let things go and overlook character flaws, things go a lot smoother and we seem happier. 

I think maybe the enemy is trying to separate us. I don't want to make a mistake and throw away my marriage if there is nothing majorly wrong. My husband doesn't seem to care much and brings up divorce and separation a lot. 

Maybe I will ask pastor if he knows anyone that could counsel us. 

3 hours ago, Riverwalker said:

did he move the cat with his foot, like putting his foot under the cat and moving it away, that sounds more likely,  no hurting the cat but moving it, correcting it and perhaps shocking it

no, I had to show him what he did, and he admitted he kicked her, it wasn't hard (which I guess is how he defines kicking), but he kicked her. He likes to act like he doesn't know what things mean sometimes. Like "flirting", he has double standards about things. 

1 hour ago, BK1110 said:

Then he has admitted essentially that he has given himself over to that sin and is not repentant about it. That level of hard-heartedness absolutely calls one's salvation into question. Again I ask if you have confronted him with how desperate his situation and his failures as a husband and leader of his household are?

And it might go without saying but of course pray fervently and daily for God to soften his heart.

I have talked to him about his actions before and how much they damage our marriage, but not with the same words you have used. I have doubted his salvation at times because of how flippant he can be about his sin, how I have to PRY it out of him, how he can sit and read his Bible each morning, read marriage books, but then I find out he has been talking to a female co worker and watching stuff on the computer, it's like he is two different people. Most of the time 90% of the time, he is a great husband and father, so selfless, the type of husband who would come home from nightshift, but let ME take a nap before he goes to bed (this was when our son was a baby), he makes coffee for me each day, he lets me talk and talk, and is so forgiving of MY sins.

But then, every few months like clockwork, I will find out he has done something else to break our trust. I feel like I don't know who he is, he is so quiet and private, he doesn't share his thoughts and feelings very often. Every time I have asked him if he was struggling he would always say no, and that he pushes sinful thoughts out of his head. He said the temptations catch him off guard because he pushes the thoughts out of his head so much. That didn't make much sense to me. I would rather him tell me "yes, I was really struggling and gave in, it was wrong, I am sorry", but he just says "I don't know why I watched it, I honestly wasn't even tempted". And I had threatened after the last time that I would leave him if he watched porn again. And now for the last few months he keeps getting porn/dating spam to his phone, even after changing his number, but he swears he hasn't looked at anything. We don't use smart phones, just flip phones.

I feel like I am incapable of trusting him, every time he fails he swears up and down that he won't do it again, I have told him how much it hurts me, he has even cried etc. How can someone just have no conscience unless they are caught?

About 5 years ago I had discovered deleted texts between him and a 19 year old co worker, he still says he deleted them to avoid the inevitable argument we would have, but that they were innocent texts. His last text he sent her after he was fired said "I will miss you.... all"... and he STILL says he meant nothing by it and can't figure out his own motive for sending it. I told him what it would mean if I sent that to someone. But of course, he is innocent. Before he was fired there was an investigation done on the two of them, all of the paperwork was sent home and I went through it, there was some suspicious things like them playing tag, or disappearing for hours, which he denies by saying they would go into the lunch room with other people in there and there were no cameras in there. He worked nightshift security at a data center, so imagine a very large vacant building, a man and a woman having to sit in a small room together all night long, one of them is supposed to go on patrol at a time, but my husband and this 19 year old woman would go together.

This was just one of a few instances that have called his honesty into question. Now, I am not perfect by any means, but I confess my mistakes, and I am very open with my husband about my struggles. At our last church I became emotionally entangled with another man, I decided we needed to leave, I removed myself from that situation and from all situations that would call me to stumble. But either my husband doesn't know himself deep down inside and doesn't realize he struggles, or he is some kind of prideful sociopath. 

But I have no other choice but to forgive. 

I went out a bit today to bring some paperwork to my kid's school, it helped me to calm down. I feel like I can forgive my husband even if he doesn't say he is sorry. I just want to have a good day.

Sorry for this long post. I know we need counseling, I just don't even know where to start.

5 minutes ago, BK1110 said:

A pastor's job is not to be friends with his congregants, but to be their guide and shepherd. Have you told your husband these things? That you are fed up and question his dedication to the Lord, and are having thoughts of divorce? He needs to know how seriously he's damaging your marriage. If he still won't agree, you may need to seek out the pastor's help on your own, hopefully he can approach your husband.

There is a lot to the story, but we were doing a marriage mentoring program which I finished and he still has a week left. I though we were getting closer and things were doing a lot better, but sometimes I don't know. My husband doesn't really have accountability, he doesn't tell people about his struggles (he doesn't have any supposedly), he has talked to Pastor about some of the sins he has committed, like the pornography, only because I blabbed about it to Pastor when I was upset once. 

Also, I don't think Pastor would be the best person to counsel us, I wrote about him in a previous post in here. Pastor is only 34, this is the first church he has pastored, and has only been doing so since last December, and he doesn't have any accreditation for doing marriage counseling.

I kind of feel trapped. I don't have enough of a reason to divorce, plus it isn't THAT bad, but I feel like he will never change and I can never trust him. So my only option is to just suck it up and work on it. Sometimes I just wish the rapture would happen or God would just take me home. I also feel manipulated into staying with him because he said if we ever separated he would just watch porn whenever he wanted then. I don't want our son to be around that, or around any female he decided to bring home. I feel like my husband only "behaves" because we are married and I say certain things are not ok. 

I hate airing my dirty laundry on here, but I don't know what else to do. I want to talk to my friend (pastor's wife) so badly about this, but I don't want to burden her with all of this or seem like a drama queen.

5 minutes ago, BK1110 said:

Sounds like the counseling he needs is from a pastor, which shouldn't cost money? Are you guys attending a local church? Does he have male Christian friends who can lovingly rebuke and guide him and hold him accountable?

Yes, we go to a local church. I was thinking about texting pastor's wife because we are good friends. My husband doesn't want pastor counseling us because he wants pastor to remain as a friend.

My husband unlocked the bedroom door and came in while I was in here. He said he didn't kick the cat he was "pushing her back with his foot", I said pushing or scooting something back is when your leg or foot already had contact, whereas his leg didn't have contact at first. Then he said "no a kick is with all your might!!" I said no, there are different levels of force to kicking. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him because of his arrogance and pride. 

He only wanted to talk to defend himself and make me see his way. I won't let him gaslight me into believing I saw wrong. He did finally admit to kicking her because she needed to learn. But he still defended his actions. 

I don't want to make a big deal about this. He didn't kick her hard, but with some effort. She was scared and trying to get away. And my husband doesn't seem to care how traumatizing it is. Why do I keep thinking about divorce all the time? I don't want to live like this. I can't even trust him. After ten years I feel like he will never change.

I feel numb and scared right now. One of our cats was about to pounce on our younger cat and instead of my husband picking her up and removing her he started to kick her against the wall, he kicked her 3 times I think.  Not with all of his strength but she was freaked out and so was I. 

Right afterwards my husband came over to me and didn't say anything, but  was calm. I said "really?!" And he said "she was going to attack him" I said "you could've picked her up and moved her" and hesaid "she won't do it again" . Our 3 kids were in the living room so they didn't see, but one of them said "what?" and I said "nothing" and went into the bedroom to try and process what I saw and what to do.

I came out to go into the bathroom and my husband was like "what's wrong?" As if nothing had happened, and I said "really?" And he said "you think I kicked her?", I just said wow. So already he is going to try and deny and gaslight.

Here is the thing about my husband. He is a "nice guy", also passive aggressive. When he gets caught watching porn he always swears he will never do it again and says he is disgusted by it. When I found out a few months ago that he was watching things on his work computer he was like "I wasn't even tempted I don't know why I did it", he tries to act like he never struggles with sin, that he is perfect and just struggles with a bit of anger. I have caught him in lies that he would keep denying for so so long. 

I honestly don't know what to do right now. What sucks is that he is the typical "nice guy", he can be very loving, and reads his bible daily, but I get a peak sometimes at the condition of his heart (deceitful, lying, prideful) and it seriously makes me want to divorce him and be single.

What should I do? Can't afford counseling. 

who let the chicken in??

It's good to establish who is human on here and who isn't. 

Didn't everyone take the "I am a human" test before signing up for Worthy?