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About bornagain2011

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  • Birthday 01/20/1984

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    Running, Hiking, bible study, ministering, playing with daughters, fun stuff.

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  1. So, today I went to my friend's church. It was ok. I was just glad to have a break from my church. But Im not sure what to do. That church didn't feel like home to me. I feel homesick for my church. My husband is taking our son to our church next week. Im not sure if I will try out a different church next week, or maybe just use the 2 hours to pray and worship at home. I might do that. I've decided with my husband of course, that I will come back to our church after a break. We talked about ways to create boundaries and flee certain situations. First of all I will only be going to church on Sundays when my husband can go with me (every other Sunday) this way I don't appear solo or single. Another thing we will do is try to stay by eachothers side, if S comes up to me while I am by myself I will look for a way out of the conversation in a polite way, if S comes up to us as a couple i will wander off to talk to one of my girl friends. I haven't really been thinking about the situation or S very much lately. I thought about him today a little while I watched the clock creep closer to our church's service time. I had fleeting thoughts that I pushed out of my head. I finished the book of Joshua today and read a little bit of Colossians. But mostly I've been singing praises today, at church and during a long drive today. I feel so blessed and grateful for the things He has been doing in my life and my marriage. He has provided a witnessing opportunity, the first time I failed, but I saw the person again and came prepared, gave him a Christian gospel comic with my husband's phone number. So, Im learning that as long as I stay in the Word and in communication with God that I can resist the devil. I've been battling with what fleeing temptation would look like in my situation, does it mean leaving my church family and losing that support and fellowship, or does it mean not allowing for tempting situations while at the church? Like walking away from S and cleaving to my husband? Or not volunteering for things S is involved in? I can see many ways to flee temptation while still attending the church. I used to leave right after service and not stay and mingle because S would migrate towards me. But I started not doing that as much. I would start doing that again. It felt empowering. I wonder if that's a sinful feeling? I better get going. I knew today would be a little tough because its Sunday. But it will get easier. It's amazing how fleeting and feeble emotions are. That's why I know this isn't love, and that it's just a sinful aspect of myself that needs repented of. Good night! God bless!
  2. True. My husband and I prayed for him and his wife. It seems they fill their lives with so many ministry activities that they don't actually connect with eachother or stay in the Word. I don't want to judge. But they seem pretty worldly. I have been doing so good the last few days that I think maybe in a few months I might be able to go back. If I can just train my thoughts and take every thought captive then I can come back and rejoin my church family. Or is this perhaps the enemy tricking me into going back into a toxic and tempting situation? Hmm. Hard to tell from this vantage point, this is where being always in the Word and prayer is going to guide me in my decision. I think my best course of action, and what I feel the Spirit leading me to do is to just wait on the Lord for His leading, flee from the temptation right now, and reconnect with my husband and with God. Oh, I also talked to the pastor's wife again. I will call her L, and my pastor A. She said she was glad I called because she was going to call me. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I felt a little silly because it's starting to become a non issue as I grow closer the Jesus and my husband. But I also know from experience that when I think I've "conquered" something that's when the enemy or my flesh try to cause me to stumble. Something happened yesterday that gave me lots of hope that God is indeed working on me; my husband and I talked about how it should be ok for me to still participate in the women's bible study on Wednesdays at the church. So I checked the church bulletin to make sure I knew the times, and that's when I saw that apparently S and his wife had started a youth group thing on those nights at the same time and same place. Now, I could have listened to my flesh and kept this as a secret from my husband and acted surprised after the fact, but I told him the truth. I told him the youth group stuff had been moved to Wednesdays and so if I were to go to the women's bible study I would see S. So I just can't do that right now. Maybe in a few months. This would be another thing to pray about. And I also will have to pray about what to tell them when they realize I don't have them as Facebook friends on my new profile (if they figure out i have a new one). I pray God will give me the words to say. I already know what to say about not going to church, we are taking some time away. I might keep updating as things move along. It keeps me accountable, and also if someone else has this struggle this can maybe be a source of encouragement. Please keep praying for me whoever reads this. And pray for S and C too. Pray they can cleave to eachother and grow together and closer to God.
  3. So, I wanted to give another update. I realized that my problem didn't have to do with S. It has to do with my personal relationship with God. Since my last post I've started reading the Bible and praying throughout the day, my husband and I have been praying together as well. I haven't really thought about S, and I can tell my feelings have died down. We are still switching churches though, at least for a while. We have been seeing God do amazing things daily . I have been leaving my Bible open in a centralized location and reading scripture off and on all day. I've been calling it "snacking on his Word." my husband and I have gained a lot of insights from Paul's letters to the churches. God is showing us some pretty neat stuff! This was a quick update, we are heading to some friends house now.
  4. Thallasa, I believe time away from the church will help my husband and I grow closer together. I would be blunt with the other guy, let's call him S for now. So, I would be blunt with S, but he is only doing things that can be easily dismissed as me taking it the wrong way. That's what's so crazy making about all this. If S was outright flirting or making passes I could be bolder. Last night though, might need an interpretation. So, I went to the Rock and Worship Roadshow here in Washington state, I take my girls to this each year. I knew S and his wife C would be there with some youth kids. So, I prayed before hand that I wouldn't run into them and I could just focus on worshipping and stay connected in the spirit. I didn't think we would run into them with thousands of others there, plus we had fast passes which puts us in an early entrance line way down the hill from general admission, which is where I knew they would be. So we got in and were allowed first picks of the seats. We ended up sitting really close to the stage on the right side. After about twenty or thirty minutes the general admissions people came in and took their seats. Ya, guess who just so happened to be sitting just down the row from us? S and his wife. Out of all the seats there they sat in my row about 15 seats down. This is a concert hall, a huge arena with thousands of seats. C texted me very excitedly and asked where I was sitting, I told her to look to her left. She was so happy to see us. So, during the concert she was texting me, and I would text her too. And when her husband S texted me I didn't respond. I felt like a jerk, because she was checking her phone and he was checking his, but I was only talking to her. Awkward. One of the bands that played Family Force 5 was really silly, and I didn't understand their music or clashing outfits, I made a joke to C about it. I mention this because it will come back later in my story. During one of the breaks I went out to buy water for my girls because they were dying of thirst . I bought the water and started heading back to the concert, I noticed S at a table out in the big area where I was, it looked like he was reading something and he was all alone. I Turned and started walking away faster and pretended i didn't see him. But I saw him look up toward me. But I was already too far away at that point for him to talk to me. I was happy I fled, but at the same time my flesh is kicking itself saying I could have actually talked alone with him. I wonder what he would have said. But see, this is exactly why I need to just cut this off. I have a tiny bit of self control. The rest is only when I rely on God. I know he saw me, but I don't know if he knows I saw him first. Anyways, during 15 minute intermission I took my daughters with me to get a t shirt for my husband. We passed that same table area, I knew S was there with the youth kids, but the traffic was so high it separated us from that side. I acted like I couldn't see him. But on the way back he called out my name. I ignores at first, but he called my name again while dodging around people to get to me. He made a joke about giving the lead singer of family force 5 my number. I just said ha ha funny! He said that it was so weird that we ended up sitting a close to eachother and how did that happen? I said we were fast pass people so we had our seats for a while. He asked where my husband was, and I told him it was just us girls tonight. I made some joke about them dying of starvation and thirst. He quickly walked off and I was like ok see you later. But he can be strange like that. So, I was still trying to stay in the spirit and worship when the music began, but I honestly couldn't. Knowing he could see me, and thinking about everything he said and did. I was too distracted. So I sat and snuggled with my daughters who were getting sleepy. A lot of people left the concert early, the whole section where S and C were sitting were gone a good 30 minutes before the show was over. So we got back on the highway heading home, and Im trying to stay awake for this 90 minute drive. We still have 30 minutes left of the drive and this crazy bus is coming up beside us. It's making me nervous because it wants to pass me during a turn and Im just trying not to fall asleep. While it passes I read the side. Ya. It's the bus for our church. Somehow, despite them leaving the concert early they are in front of me now all the way back home. What are the odds. I kept thinking, what are the odds of all of this? The seats being so close? Is this a test from God? I think I got a C- . mostly because of my thoughts and how I shouldn't have responded to C's first text to begin with. But I felt like maybe she was testing me. It was obvious where I was. Im just glad (and a little sad) that I probably wont be seeing them for a long time. I miss us all being friends. But it can't be like that again. And I will miss the attention he gives me but at the same time I will be happy to not have to worry about this all the time or expend so much mental and emotional energy on all of this. I can focus on God, my husband, and my 3 children. If I can be completely honest and transparent here, I would say that this feels like a breakup. It's painful. But I know if I were to allow this to run it's natural course meaning allowing the texting etc. That it would only lead to either frustration from unmet desire, or heartbreak and lives destroyed from adultery. I can't do that. So this bit of heartbreak now is better than huge major hurt later for both of our families.
  5. Here's a bit of an update, There is another Baptist church in our town that we are going to check out next week. I am pretty excited about it, the children's ministry there looks great! And they have more adult bible studies. And they go out into the community and evangelize, which is a huge plus! I talked to the pastor's wife again (the wife of the senior pastor, not the associate pastor that I like), I told her we are going to try out the other church, she said she personally felt like I didn't have to leave. But I told her I am too distracted and can't properly worship. I agreed with her that I could come back to visit in the future, or when my feelings die down I could try coming back. I don't know if they will ever go away. I don't think they will. I have a really good trusted friend in the church who I talk to, she is close friends with the senior pastor and his wife. She didn't want Satan to be driving me away from the church family and those that could help me. She knows the guy and his wife very well, and told me about how he still texts her even after she told him it's innapropriate. She said if he asks me a pointed question like "why did you block me from your Facebook?" I should have my husband with me and say "I have innapropriate feelings for you." But I shouldn't feel obligated to say anything. But she said if I do say something it should be a pointed truth, as long as my husband is with me. She told me that there has been a lot of infidelity within our church. Families broken up and people leaving. Including friends in their close clique of friends. She had a group of 5 couples including this man and his wife, and a few of these couples ended up having affairs and destroyed everything. So she no longer talks to any of them. I told I didn't believe this guy was one of them or else he wouldn't be allowed to be an associate pastor. She shrugged and brushed it off. It makes me think, why am I in this particular church when even the leaders are living in sin? Ok, I better get going.
  6. Absolutely! I can see now that this is wrong no matter what. I just made excuses for it. For example, his wife never responds to texts so I end up texting him, "am I still on nursery duty tomorrow? " . sometimes that would be the end of it but sometimes it would be like 3 more texts back and forth. All very innocent of course, but still innapropriate to be texting at all in the first place. I just created a new joint Facebook account with my husband, deleted the old one, and blocked the man and his wife so they can't find me or message me. The only problem now is what do i say when they confront me about it? My husband said he will talk to him. I don't believe the guy is doing anything outright wrong. He is in ministry and is very involved in the community so he talks to women all the time. I don't think he thinks that's crossing a line. Their marital boundaries are broad. But Im taking steps to distance myself and busy myself with my family. I've also been reading my bible again and praying more. I think doing these things will help lessen my feelings.
  7. What do you guys think about the sign of Virgo on the feast of trumpets this year? It shows the king planet Jupiter descending down and being born, plus the 12 stars at her head and everything else in the scripture. Its very interesting. Not the best article I could find, but eternal rhythm flow on Youtube has good videos on it. I don't buy into the whole tetrad thing though. But this sign is pretty cool.
  8. I think you read my thoughts! I shouldn't even be entertaining the thoughts that he may like me, or dissecting his body language. I can tell from your response (besides the fact you said so) that you have experience in this very thing. It's hard being a Christian, not only can't we even look, but we can't even think sinful thoughts! We are held up to such a high standard. I read your pm, I will respond as soon as I can . I was telling pastor's wife that I never hear about these struggles in the church, I hear about adultery though. And then after that happens people say "oh they weren't saved to begin with". My husband and I agreed that if he texts me I will say "do you still have my husband's number? " and then I would give it to him. That's what he said he would do in my situation. I will go ahead and read your pm again and send you one. Thank you so much for your help!
  9. Miss Muffet, Thank you for your prayers . I don't think he is encouraging any type of relationship, but I get some body language cues. I think if I were to just be like "hey I like you" ( which I would never do) he would be like a good Christian man and be utterly disgusted. But maybe secretly intrigued. I don't think he would ever do anything, but he definitely doesn't really have hedges around his marriage. Hazard, If this man is even remotely attracted to me wouldn't telling him my feelings plant a seed? Wouldn't it create desire? I don't think I am even brave enough to confront him, and I wouldn't want to be alone with him telling him all this. I talked to my husband about my talk with the pastor's wife. He was happy I did and told me it might be a few weeks before they get back to me. I asked my husband for his advice, what would he do in my situation? He is a more logical thinker, he said if he was attracted to a woman at church he wouldn't talk to her very much. I told him that that is why I thought talking to him was safe because I wasn't physically attracted to him, and im still not that physically attracted to him. So I didn't really get a good male perspective from my husband. I think maybe a lot of men think it's safe to have crushes, even intense ones because they think "I wont do anything". Is this correct? I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be laying it all out there right now and baring my soul. I feel immature and childish. I think what I need to do is get back into the Word and pray more. All of this has made me too ashamed to connect with God right now. I am disgusted by myself. Feel free anyone to rebuke or tear me apart. I could use it.
  10. Miss muffet, I don't want it to happen. This is not fun for me. It's a battle. I talked to the pastor's wife this morning and told her everything, even how im considering leaving the church. Her and the pastor are going to talk about this and see how they can advise me and help me. I didn't talk to the guy at church today, but he sat across the isle from me. I quickly left after service and didn't mingle with anyone. The pastor's wife didn't make me feel like a big horrible sinner, she agreed it is a difficult situation and will require prayer and action. She said this happens sometimes and im not the first. She was happy that I am struggling against this and not thinking its some fun thing. I am a little anxious to hear back from her. It felt good to release that guilt and burden. I look forward to hearing what she has to say. I have tried on my own to fix this and stop my feelings. I quit church for a month, deleted his number from my phone, deleted him off of Facebook, and made things very awkward by completely ignoring him and walking away from him at church. He still ended up texting me questions, still tried to talk to me at church. I understand, we went from being best friends as couples (even driving across the country together on a roadtrip this last summer) to completely ignoring them. No doubt he probably felt like he had a right to know what was going on. So I eased up a little and started saying hi to him and his wife only when my husband was present. And then he would come up to us and i would walk away so he could talk to my husband. I have been doing all this stuff just waiting for the feelings to go away. Now im stuck thinking they may never go away, I will have to silently suffer the guilt and awkwardness forever. This is not fun for me. My flesh wants it to be. But the real me inside hates this. And im tired of the fight as well. I just want it to stop and go away.
  11. Thank you! I really am seriously looking into leaving the church. I am just not strong enough to deal with this temptation. It really doesn't help that I think he likes me as well. I was thinking about talking to the senior pastor's wife this morning about it. I trust her very much and have confided in her before. I am a little scared to leave the church because of what the guy and his wife and others would say. I just went to a teaching class they were doing yesterday so that I could become a Sunday school teacher and we were brainstorming ideas to make the church better and reach out to people. Im afraid they will see me as a flake. But I shouldn't care if I'm doing the right thing. I talked to my husband again this morning, he just wants to do whatever will help the situation. He doesn't get mad about it, he understands. Thank you for your help! I will update the situation later
  12. This is going to be hard to write. I already feel like a horrible person. But here goes... There is a guy at church that I've had a crush on for over a year now. Him and his wife are good family friends of my husband and I. There is a long history between my husband and them. This man is very involved in youth ministry. He is the associate pastor at our church and is also the youth pastor. God has placed on my heart last year to be involved in youth ministry. So I started volunteering at our local youth outreach place. Well, he heard about that and started showing up the same nights I was. And then I find out that he used to work for them. This is a long story, but basically the guy who runs this place told him to be home with his family, so what does he do? Joins a bowling league on those nights instead. So this makes me think he isn't happy in his marriage because he never wants to be home. Their marriage has been a mess before which makes him more susceptible to infidelity. I also noticed that he started looking at me last year after I lost a bunch of weight. I thought I was crazy, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye looking at me, and then he would come over and talk to me. I have told my husband all of this, my feelings and everything. We have talked about this a lot and dissected it. Basically what we figured out was that I get bored and lonely, and I am not used to male attention. So, we figured all that out, but now what do i do? We have a meeting with the pastor and deacons tomorrow to become official members so I can start teaching Sunday school. But how do I make these feelings go away? Sometimes they simmer down, and sometimes they are heated up again. He has texted me before about "important stuff", he doesn't text my husband because he isn't involved in ministry things. I really want to get over this. My husband has told me I should just tell this guy my feelings and say we can't talk anymore. First of all the last thing I want to do is put it out on the table, because what if he reciprocates? Secondly I don't want him to hate me! That could definetly happen! Or his wife who is a friend of mine would end up hating me too. This feels so high schoolish. We've considered switching churches, but this is our family. I would hate to lose all that just because of one person, and what if there are problems at a new church? Wouldn't it be better for me to just learn to get over it? I know I wouldn't do anything physical, but I don't really trust myself not to text or get emotionally close. He is very outgoing and talkative. I try to focus on his negative qualities though. I took my Facebook off of my tablet so I don't have access to it right now, I kept looking at his Facebook page every day. I don't want to keep giving in to temptation. I deleted him off of Facebook at one point, but he found out about it, which was awkward because to tell the truth would be to sin, so I just had to laugh it off and say it was a long story. After he asked a few times he gave up. I hate lying, but in that situation lying was a better sin than telling the truth. I need help with this. There is so much more to say. But after tonight I feel its urgent. Its hard to explain, but tonight during a youth event we gave eachother a look. It was an accident on my part. I was talking intensely to someone about a new ministry i wanted to start, so I had a serious look on my face, and then he walked past my table and we locked eyes, it was weird, the look he gave me, it was like a stare. Anyways, im probably reading way too much into it. I know I need to just flee temptation, but sometimes even that is hard. The thing that makes it even harder is that my husband had an emotional affair two years ago and I still feel bitterness about that. He hasn't been fully repentant. And I feel like he got away with it because he didn't know he was doing bad, but I can't "get away with it". What do I do? Sorry this is so long, there is just a lot to tell.
  13. Wow, that is sad. Im so sorry. I seriously can not sleep. My mind wont shut off. My ex told me that he made the girls cry. My little girls. 6 and 7 years old. God only knows what he said to them. My ex gave no details whatsoever. So Im left here thinking my little girls are at his house unable to sleep and doubting their faith and crying. How can he say me teaching them that God loves them is evil, yet take pride in breaking their little hearts. That to me is evil. I know some tolerant atheists that would say if it makes them happy let them have their silly beliefs. But no, he wants them miserable but "corrected". He is coming over tomorrow, my mind is racing about that too. He wants to have a sit down chat with my husband and I about the girls and our faith. There is so much I want to say and ask him. My husband and I have a 2 year old son. I want to ask my ex if he wants the girls to leave the room when it's time for bible stories or prayers so that it's just Silas that hears. Does he want me to throw away their bibles that they just got and are excited about? The more i think about it the more my ex is starting to sound like a communist dictator. I held out hope for him because we are actually getting along now, and he started listening to a Christian radio station because there is a political person on it he likes to listen to. My ex is pretty conservative for an atheist. I should stop complaining because in other countries Christians are facing real persecution, Im such a wimp. Im complaining about a bully. I just wish the rapture would happen already, I am seriously done with this world.
  14. Thank you so much Yowm! The article brought a tear to my eye. I have tried in the past to show things like this to him, he wont read them and says Im shoving my beliefs down his throat. I really love the article, reminds me of my conversion. I shared it to my Facebook.
  15. I'm back! It's been a few years, lots of things have happened that I will have to write about later. I was just googling how to deal with ex husband who's an atheist and the funny thing is my old post on this forum from 2012 popped up at near the top! So ya, Im dealing with all that again. He was fine for a while, but sent me a text today about he doesn't want me brainwashing them anymore and how he made them cry. I prayed a lot about it and I think I know what I will say. He wants to come over tomorrow and have a "discussion" which Im sure is code for attack and retreat. We will just tell him we will not stop teaching the Truth. I pray the Holy Spirit leads me to listen and talk and gives me the words to say. I have to go, but lots to tell later