I really do feel for you Need2BeSaved! Everything you told is so heartbreaking. I wish I had the answer but I don't think I do. I hope these next few lines are gonna help you a little.
Jesus has come down and died for everyone that believes in his glory, that believes that he is the son of God and that believe that he is our salvation. Jesus came down so he would take ALL our sins, each and every one of them and erase them so we wouldn't be sinful again, so we would be saved.
He wants to relieve you of the heaviness of them, of the pain it causes you. I think that we are not perfect and that we cannot be, we want to be and we make little efforts everyday to be worthy of his love (although his love is unconditional and is given freely whether you want it or not) and I think just doing that everyday deserves acknowledgment and love.
You are really sincere in all you say and you really touched me so imagine God looking at you, him whose love we cannot even comprehend, a love that is unconditional, unchanging and the purest of all. God is looking at you and he is saying "I love you my child! You are worthy of me, you will be with me when this world is over and your suffering will end and you will not suffer ever again. Be strong and believe in me always because the only thing I am waiting for is for you to stand before me so I can hold you and give you eternal joy and happiness."
With what I leant from the bible I know that it repeats over and over again to walk away from our sins, to never do it again but there is also a very interesting moment in there too, when one of the disciples ask Jesus what he should do if somebody comes to them asking for forgiveness over and over again after having repeated the same sin. Jesus then says to forgive the person. No matter how many times people sin, how many times we sincerely ask for forgiveness, Jesus forgives us and that's what should always be with you. This world is hard, this world is tempting, this world will win at times but it will never win over Jesus and therefore over you. Be blessed!!!! With all my heart I hope I helped you ease a bit of the pain! God bless you in all your endeavors!!