Four months ago I reconnected with a man I met online two months before, I met him on a "Pen-Pal" website, I was never very good with making friends in person due to my anxiety and shyness so meeting people online was just easier. I just chatted with a few random people at first, browsed profiles and went by whomever had similar interest etc. Well I don't remember how or exactly why but I was searching profiles again and came across "his'" profile in the search box, "his'" profile photo was cute... I was curious so I clicked on it and read his profile, to protect "his'" identity I will call him "John".
So, John was from Ireland and I thought "Wow.. that's neat! And he is cute and seems like a nice guy." So I sent him a private message, I don't remember what I said to him but John replied back and we talked a little about general stuff nothing serious, we were just friends online. I don't remember how long it took before he stared "flirting" with me and I'm not sure if he was intentionally doing it but we became innocently "playful" with each other rather quickly. Well, I asked John about his' relationship status and he told me he was single, that he had only one girlfriend and that they had broken up because of the distance between them. They lived in different cities because of college I guess, I didn't ask that much back then.
So then I asked if I could be his' next, I asked if I could become his' girlfriend. By the way we had been taking via email now, John allowed it, and I think initially the "relationship" only lasted a few days or weeks before we begin to argue over differences in faith and belief. He is Catholic but "not religious" and he believes in "LGBT rights", I am nondenominational and although my views differ a little now back then I was very intolerant of the LGBT community, John did not like that because he has friends of that particular lifestyle, thus he told me that he "doesn't think he can be with someone who doesn't believe in gay rights" those were his' exact words then. I admit I wasn't mature in that situation and I sent a very unchristian reply to him before promptly blocking his' email address. Then for the next two months there was no contact between us although I though about him occasionally. Around my birthday I had started wanting to contact him again.. I had just gotten out of a toxic friendship with a pagan convert and really needed someone to talk to. I created a new profile on the same site I met him on and sent him a message.
He replied and I was nervous but I identified myself and he was friendly, I asked how he was doing etc. I eventually got to asking him if he was still single and if I still had the chance to be his' girlfriend. John said this "Do I get as kiss?" and we'll.. I sent him an emoticon kiss and then that was it! We talked a little more and he asked me "why wanted to be with [him] so badly" I really loved how he made me feel is close to what I told him, we started sending each other emails again after that. This time exchanging photos nothing inappropriate.. not at first.
We talked and flirted with most of the day and night acted like the usual long distance couple. We began to exchange more revealing photos and send messages of "lustful" and based of my personal beliefs sinful nature.. although John still believed otherwise. He told me that "it's not lust when we care about eachother and we belong to each other, even if we aren't married" and because I liked him and wanted him to stay I believed him.. sort of I told him repeatedly that I felt bad about it but he always reassured me. And he always told me how much he loved me. We had a fairly normal relationship I had some personal issues that I always would confide to him about, John would try his' best to give me comfort or advice and he always told me how he "wished he could be there with me" in the states he meant. He had a trip planned earlier last year but had lost the money to his' college expenses.
nyway.. my issues began to get even more complicated, I was and still am homeless, I live in a Hotel/Inn but I am not ready to discuss it at the moment.
So I was very upset and I was getting torments from my Mother about John being "someone I met online" and not being able to actually help us.. anyway I cried to John and asked him to prove that he was real.. and he did he made me a video that once I watched it I cried at that emotion he showed, when I talked to him later about it he told me that "[He] didn't cry [he] was just choked up because [he] care about [me] soo much <3". And after that he had helped me through another mishap in my life. I got into my first car accident and needed his' help. I always told him everything that was going on and he always listened. Soon later we had to move out of the Hotel and into the apparent of who I thought was a Christian friend of my Mother but she was instead living deeply in sin. This woman a very bad influence now that I think back to it. Her jealousy, sexual sins and negativity rubbed off onto me and immediately cause devastating issues in my relationship with John! We got deeper into lusting after each other and exchanged nude and/or very erotic photos and neatly all of our conversations involved sexual topics and I began to pry deeper into John's personal life and relationship past.. much to my disturbance. He was not a virgin I already knew that but he had also had causal sexual encounters with other girls not many but it still bothered me an awful lot. I became very jealous. John told me repeatedly that "I don't think about them/her anymore", "Only you" and always told me again that he love me but I was blinded by intense jealousy.
I admitted how awful I felt about his' past relationships nearly constantly and began to spy on him to see if he was cheating, I felt instantly guilty and eventually admitted to him what I did and he was angry.. soo angry he rightfully contemplated a breakup. But I didn't not want him to leave, I begged and apologised endlessly but he wasn't able to get past it so I pulled out a last resort.. I sent him more nude photos and when he saw them he told me they made him feel guilty since he was unsure if he wanted to continue the relationship. I ignored this and proceed to "charm" him back onto my arms.. I did mean well most of them time but it seemed the only way to get his' attention.. eventually he let my mistrust go and we were a couple again. Once again we had to move because the living situation was difficult and my Mother decided that also after learning about what I had been doing with John, we moved back into the Hotel last month, in December. It seemed my relationship with John "went to hell and back" and that we could recover from the damages cause from that wicked influence of my last living arrangement.
It wasn't, I was still jealous and John had begun to have issues of his' own that caused him great stress and he had been getting sick much more often, he is a Type 1 Diabetic, over all it was spiralling down and I was confused and upset often although all through the entire relationship I really did try to become a better Christian, I read my bible, went to church more regularly and I prayed constantly, for John, for my Mother, for myself and for both of our families. I honestly hadn't actively tried to be a Christian until after meeting John!
But anyways.. it got to the point I which I tormented John about his' past and tried to take it back with endless apologies that he finally told me that he "didn't think we could work" and that "it would be best for the both of us" since we were both having several personal issues.. but it still hurts, we both made promises to each other, serious ones, we shared a lot, overall we had so much good things it's like, now that he hasn't been taking to me I actually got to solving my issues! But I just don't know, I miss him but I am angry and feel lied to. He promised me soo many things and one of them was that he wouldn't break up with me.. after getting past the first time he was going to of course.. I don't know.. what to really type, there are soo many things I just don't have to energy to type! I just wonder why I met him? I wonder if what he promised to me was ever true.. I see little signs everywhere it seems.. especially after I ask God to show me. I pray to God a lot every day since the breakup. I pray for John to get better and for God to help him and come into his' life, see before I got caught up in sin, I wanted to being John closer to God, I wanted to be his' "best girlfriend". I just wonder if he will come let me in again.. if I was meant to be with him in the future. I feel lost about it all.
I have an issue in trusting psychic mediums and I had asked thee different ons last year if John was right for me or if he would be with me this year all there said yes!
But I am worried even paranoid that he will move on or that he will not give me another chance to be with John. I'm afraid to be alone, I know God is always with me but I really felt that John was the right one for me that was why neatly everything fell into place back then! It's the uncertainty right now that worries me! I'm soo confused. I need soo much help!
What is all this for? Why did I meet John? Why did he tell me all those things? Why did he make it seem soo much like he really did love me, he told me I really didn't have to be soo sexual with him, he said he loved me either way. I'm just very confused and afraid to lose John forever. I really do love him.. I'm just soo confused and I don't know what's going on with him right now either and it makes me more confused.
