Jenny101

Im not going to go into detail about what happened to me. Im going to put it into a nutshell. When i was 14, i got saved. I loved Jesus. Had a very close relationship with God. One day i gave into the world and wanted to be like everyone else, leaving God behind. 5 years later, i am trying to seek God again. I tried repenting. I feel nothing. No renewal. No desire to read the bible or to try and understand scripture. I just still wanna be my old self, but in a way i also wanna follow God and be holy. I dont get it. Why dont i feel anything.. shouldnt you suddenly have a passion for Jesus after repenting, like the one i gained many years ago? Makes me wonder if God spewed me out of his mouth and just doesnt want anything to do with me.

Beware of huge wall of text. I was saved when i was 14 years old. For a whole year, i followed God wholeheartedly. I was made new in Christ. I loved Jesus so much, i strived to be as perfect as i could. I was all about God. Well, about a year later, something in me changed. The nagging of the world pulled and clawed at me.. being a 15 year old little girl, i wanted nothing else but to be like everyone else. I wanted to just fit in. (I had a lot else going on in my life that made me feel such things). So, i gave in to temptation. I decided to drop the faith and turn into everyone else. Well, 5 years later, now 20 years old, i find myself in need of Him. I've been struggling internally with life. Everything is hitting me in the face and i am now faced with the realities and responsibilities of being an adult. I must say, i thought i was going to be 15 forever. I am not ready to move so quickly into this new way of living. Anyway, back to the point. About a week ago, i was so desperate that i knew i needed God. I knew if i just came back to him, i would have peace in my soul about my life. But.. alas, after repentance and admitting my all, i feel nothing. It's nearly impossible for me to focus on the bible. I just can't get interested. Nothing is new to me, my eyes arent opening to anything new. I dont feel my spirit growing and even though i try to pray everyday and feed my spirit what i can, like through watching teachings on Youtube from Paul Washer for example, i dont feel any closer to God. I get easily distracted with the world and i dont know.. i just dont feel that different. I dont have that same fever, if you will, for God. The fire is just dead. I feel so lost. I feel like God spewed me out of his mouth and wants nothing to do with me.. or like.. cant help me anymore because thats just what he feels like, hes done with me. I need him so badly though.. even though im not totally ready to give up my old life, i know i need him and i know i have to let all of this go. Its just difficult to change out of the blue like this. Its almost like a shock, its still sinking in. But i want to change for Him. I want to have the relationship we used to have.. but i am so dead inside. I just dont know whats going on anymore...