Beebert

But Judas knew too. The pharisees knew. The demons know. And I feel like I am ons of them... I mean I feel outside Christ and all I do is dwelling over the fact that IF Only I had confessed I would have walked with him now

Hm. Well it is difficult. Because the two quotes from John really did speak to me 1.5 years ago. Because when I was convicted after kissing this girl against my will and therefore breaking God's 9th commandment, I felt convicted by sin and I found Only one way out : Christ. I felt judgement, because these guilty feelings felt like a consumig fire and I imagined to myself this must be what hell feels like. And I was guilty. And knew Christ was the truth. But instead of confessing and repenting I fell away and went into the relationship, ignored the prophesies that I thought I saw (it was very convincing), broke also the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 10th commands and sinned and stopped feeling convicted and now as I have said plenty of times I feel like Esau. So, I know Christ is truth, I regret what I have done... Can I have blasphemed the spirit anyway tog mean?

Yes sure! Well I don't want to sound negative now haha because I appreciate your help. But I actually find John Piper's view very discouraging for me since I feel exactly like I am an Esau who gave away his blessing and now find no place for repentance . You see I start imagining all kinds of things. Apparently too much imagination and overthinking are enemies of God. And these are things I pray to be free from so I can get some clarity... Maybe you don't have to convert right away but you know... 1.5 years ago I felt like Augustine. Having this major conversionexperience which I though negleced which Augustine didn't. But I sincerely try to find a way back. I think maybe things might get clearer when I feel an understanding if God's will about what to do with this relationship.

Well the mistake I made before when I went astray and fell away instead of repenting was that I confused my Self into wrong theology where I because of my guilty feelings thought I needed to pay back a debt and start trying to obey everyone else and completely erase myself. Now I didn't understand Faith and Christ's finished work on the cross completely. That I did wrong, thinking I had to walk around paying back for my wrongdoings the rest of my life instead of realizing Christ wanted to make me undeservingly free

Lutheran John Mueller explains that the sin is "committed only when the Holy Spirit has clearly revealed the divine truth to the sinner and the sinner nevertheless utters blasphemies against it."5 He notes that most dogmaticians6 in his tradition "teach that the sin against the Holy Ghost can be committed only by those who were regernerated," with the exception of those who argue that it can also occur in the unregenerate "in the very moment when the Holy Ghost is about to convert them." This for example... The holy ghost was about to convert me 1.5 years ago but I fell Into sin instead

But I would have been healed if I confessed. I would have been Born again that was truly a conviciton I had. I have vad a tendency to dwell on the past and trying to controlny Environment, trying to create a Self based on accomplishment. I realized Christ would heal me from ALL this if I confessed to this girl and repented. BUT I was a coward and went into the relationship instead. And now my problems are of course much worse because now I even dwell over the past of not going to Jesus 1.5 years ago... Isn't that then to have blasphemed the spirit? But if I say here and now that I want to be with Christ and I know he is God. Can I really have comitted this sin anyway?

Yes but abdicate... You said that denying the PROMPTINGS TO salvation is unforgivable which means it is unforgivable if you do not repent right? I did not repent I fell away instead and denied tid promptings for 1.5 years. So to me when Reading about the unforgivable sin it seems that is what I have done... So. Now I despair... I pray and pray but I feel cursed

WELL DENYING TID PROMPTINGS TO SALVATION WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WASN'T IT? SO THEN I MUST BE DAMNED

It isn't easy. I new the peace that would come ur I confessed 1.5 years ago. I DID realize Christ was the Only thing that could save me but instead I fell away like Hebrew 6. Now it is 7 Times worse. It isn't easy. It feels like I have said no to God. But of course I want to get back to Christ I know it is the only way. But he died once on the cross and I seem to think that I can find a relationship with him if I travel back in time. Which is impossible. You now the pride and couragelessness can only be cured by the mercy and righteousness of God. He has to intervene. I can't get there on my own. But there was a famous russian starets who once said that every time a person feels the need to pray, it means the holy spirit is working. I guess and hope he is right but aren't the orthodox faith a bit semi-pelagian? I mean by experience I think Luther might have been right about total depravity. But also, maybe I am thinking too much...

Now you know the parable in Luke 14:15-14:24? Christ says that those who were first invited to his kingdom but came with an excuse (as I think I did, because I was invited ) Will NOT be part of God kingdom. Ever. Right? How shall I for example view this kind of parable?

But I don't think I was saved... I was ENLIGHTENED. I had go repent but didn't. I sinned instead. Of course I have been worried but mostly I have been hiding from myself and God. So isn't that being a repobrate? Because I don't feel conviciton in the same way sas I did 1.5 years ago, I rather feel despair over the realization of what I have done...

I know... the thing is I inre the truth 1.5 years ago and sinned deliberately and unreoentantely when I felt quite sure God wanted me to repent by leaving her. I was given strong warning about the consequenses but I was afraid and ignored them. I was afraid har would get hurt and now I realize how stupid I was because I was too Self focused. I didn't trust that God har Control and a plan for her as well... So no matter what would have happened ny forgiveness and salvation would have been received if I repented back then. And when I quote those passages from Hebrew I mean I have done like that from 1.5 years ago untill now and if I break up with her now the result Will be much uglier than if I had trusted God... I pray every day for guidning but I don't hear the Will of God for me. I know what his will WAS but not what it is...

Yes but seriously. How shall I ever handle passages like Hebrew 6, 10, and like every single parable by Jesus? It all condemns me. I KNOW I was ENLIGHTENED... I mean, I realized Christ was true but fell away and went my own way anyway... And now it is like I have lost my power and life Energy. I feel like dirt and weak and I will destroy the life of this girl if I break up... It is like I dont know the Will of God anymore... I know it WAS that I should break up with ger. Does that mean it still is his will?

Okay... I hope that is true. Well Hope is what I must have. I know Christ is God. But it is like I am Only capable of regretting that I sinned rather than repenting you know? But I Hope it can change.

I only get back to "I should have confessed " all the time. Regretting like Esau.

Well the thing is that I have been unrepentant so much that it is like I have injured ny consciense. I do not feel drawn to Christ I Only feel despair and wanting to be with him. He told me to repent 1.5 years ago but I was too much a coward and made up an excuse and went in to the relationship instead and now I feel so horrible and scared and like I am Only going to wait for hell. I guess that if God's will before was for me to end it with her it still is right? But I can't hear him. It is like praying to empty space... What can I do?

How do you know that the man who told you would go to hell was a man of God?