Sight

Different than my last post. My folks are getting older, and I've grown bitter and defeated over the years. I've been banned from 3 different chat sites, and 5 different chatrooms. I've picked fights with other Christians, tested people on their convictions, and tried to force people to prove Jesus is competent. I've put the spirit to the test, I've demanded proof of blessings and miracles, I have mocked and cursed the name of the LORD as a born-again Christian...and today, I am bitter, ruined, defeated, and vengeful. All my friends are more successful than I am in every way. Married, money, children/not yet, on their way to buying homes...and I am on the precipice of being broke. Some of them are also born-again Christians. I come to you a jaded, vengeful, blood-hungry monster ready to pick a fight with any Christian who tries to talk me down...but no, I now come to you as someone trying to hold that side back, and hope that Jesus can actually do something to restore everything I lost. My parents are hurting. I yelled at my mom, and she Cried. My dad is struggling with his Parkinsons. I HELD GOD ACCOUNTABLE AND CURSED HIM 100+ times for what he did to my family. Right now, I am broken, and unsure if God will fix any of it. How do I escape this fury? How do I flee from the hate? Please dont give me run of the mill answers. This time, I'm trying to breathe and escape this venomous fury. What does God want? Why does he keep me in hell?

I've made a decision. I will continue to be thankful. In the past, I would reply and argue and rip to shreds. Right now, the pronounced depression I am feeling, coupled with a desire to offer myself as a living sacrifice to God's will prevents me from disagreeing. I am sorry for your loss, and I understand the joy you find in living with Jesus. Go in peace, and may God bless you

No, I'm here. I've been busy trying to bridge the gap. Sorry for the delay. Even since I originally typed that, I've also been growing in sermons, pastor's podcasts, and self-study. I hold enough offense at what I perceive the LORD/Jesus did to me over these eight years that prevents me from taking any form of basic spiritual advice and counsel without scrutinizing it thoroughly, and explain how I've done it. For me to submit to his ways, is for me to trust that Jesus has my best interest in mind, and I DO NOT TRUST HIM. At all. From my life experience, I dont have much to trust him in. I've lost money, jobs, friends, peace, social standing, and many other things...and trusted Jesus to make use out of my life. I was wrong to trust him with that. The only thing he's good for is saving your soul from sin and grating a person 'eternal life', or whatever the heck that means. I stopped caring about that a long time ago, although, I am not closed off to counsel. I'm just letting you know...I've been around the block, and have the LORD pretty much figured out. I understand the point of Jesus: He was God in the image of man, and his sole objective was to offer himself, blameless and perfect, to die an innocent being, hung on a cross, so that all of man's sins would be placed upon him, and with his death, he offers himself, the son of God, as a sacrifice to send our sins to die with his body, and in three days, Jesus was risen out of death, overcoming death and Satan, and through those who believe in his death and ressurection, are granted eternal life. Jesus was perfect in every single way. Here's the PROBLEM...some BORN AGAIN BELIEVERS are blessed with money, romance, belonging, talents, skills, and confidence. Other BORN AGAIN BELIEVERS get the short end of the stick, and are often CURSED instead. I am the cursed that got the short end of the stick, and I know a LOT of CHRISTIANS who are magnificiently blessed. One could argue I am ungrateful, but FACTS are FACTS, and I see my life, and their life, and all I know, from what I SEE, is that God plays favorites, and I am not his favorite. Could I be wrong? Sure. But, I dont care. All I know is, others have, and I dont have. All I CARE ABOUT is being treated fairly. I could care less what scripture or the LORD has to say. If I am treated less than his other children who have the same as me and MORE, I have no reason to be loyal to the LORD. I dont care what the consequences are. I've been at this eight years folks. I've been banned from three Christian chat forums because I ask the difficult questions. I will risk hell for justice. I want justice. I've talked to many Christians. I go to a good Christian church (where I see most of these 'superblessed' christians who live good lives), and I listen to many Christian preachers online. I get the message, but I dont see results. RESULTS ARE THE ONLY THING THAT COUNT. Anything else doesn't quality. RESULTS. Not sentiments. And the only results I've gotten from being a born again Christians are loss, pain, rejection, failure, and abandonment, among other things. Please also bear in mind... The above you just read...didn't happen overnight. I was faithful. It took 2-3 of those 8 years to get to where I'm at now. You're gonna have to pose a REALLY CONVINCING testimony to change my heart to trust Jesus again.

Folks, almost Eight years living with Jesus in my heart, trying to achieve success in my own life. I've gotten to the point where I've lost all patience with typical Christian fellowship, and I am at a point where I need to start seeing results, or I will question the bible's validity as a source of good living itself.