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  1. The responses of love make me regret being fiendish in my responses. Mostly people just shut me out and condemn me. not...when I see love like that, I am taken back, and realize perhaps this is the first time I have been met with responses of love. Perhaps I am on the right forum after all. I cant be antagonistic anymore, and I will share what I got out of reading it: - Money is something I valued a lot. It gives me the ability to purchase, if I had it, would allow me to customize my lifestyle, and be able to be all I was meant to be. From my understanding, God randomly chooses who gets what. When it comes to God assigning blessings, I imagine him pulling a giant slot machine, and whatever the reels land on, is what the person gets. One gets to grow up in a rich family. The other has to fight for survival in a ghetto. One gets to be football captain, or the prettiest Cheerleader, and the other gets picked on, has their parents killed, or has to work at 13 to provide for a poor family who got abandoned by their father figure. Bible or not, it's NOT A FAIR SYSTEM. God isn't fair. It's a luck of the draw, and it saddens me, because I cannot see God in any other light other than mafia shark. From reading the old testament, I understand God cannot go against his word, and he tried to give his people a means to atone, but sin kept functioning, but what makes someone a Solomon, and what makes someone a random Israelite? Does God not play favorites based on what the word says? We hear of Abraham, Issac and Jacob (Israel), but what about Peleg? Enoch? Jair? Uzzi? Bukki? Obed? Any other of the brief mentioned names? Who cares, right? Some get greater glory than others, and God expects me to be ok with that? Not if I'm the bottom barrel. I will fight and spit until I get the answer I seek. - From your descriptuon, Kwikphilly, I will take your word that you've lived a life of privelege and excellence. Never in need, skilled at're the type of person I would hate and wish ill upon. You're right...I dont think I'll get it, because I ALWAYS WANTED IT. I got the opposite of what you described. I was the loser in high school...the one even girls made fun of...the one who's parents sacrificed everything, but never made enough...the one who didnt have good guidance...the one who flunked out of college and owed 30K in debt because he had no direction or ordination from God...the one who was bullied...the one with no friends...I dont think YOU'LL EVER UNDERSTAND...but one thing is clear: God was kinder to you than he was to me. When you found was EASY for you to understand his love. Try understanding him when God was the one who sandbagged you for 20+ years instead of gave you honor and glory. Try being the vermin instead of the victor. I have 1,000,000 reasons to hate God to oblivion. You dont. I'm not downplaying your salvation...I just know a God who ripped me off, and never loved me. - I've spent eight years waiting for God to come into my life and change me. He hasn't. Yeah, he's a gentlemen, and will wait for me to do what is needed for me to accept him, but I've been ready for ages, and he wont meet me halfway. I am losing my patience with him. I dont care for him anymore. I will not wait on him, but as I turn away, my life gets worse. I dont know what he wants from me, but if he was a person, I would grab a crowbar and break his skull into tiny pieces out of anger and resentment. How long do I have to wander until I find him? I'm up to the book of Ezra. I reread the old testament, and finished the new testament before that. WHAT DOES GOD WANT FROM ME? I thank you for sharing your perspective, and I didnt intend that earlier paragraph to be a challenge. I'm glad you found him, and Im glad he revealed himself to you. But from MY PERSPECTIVE, God is a cruel abusive dictator who abandoned me and threw me to the trash without good reason. I dont know a loving God; all I know is an incompetent one. So, I ask, kwikphilly AND anyone else...what do I have to do to have God change me, or for me to find God? I'm reading scripture, and I'm not as angry as I was fact, now, the only thing I'm trying to do is FIND HIM. I believed him, and I accepted Jesus verbally...what else is there? Where is he? Why is he hiding from me? And...may I say...the choice to respond to me in love instead of attacking me...I never saw that before. I know you guys are the real deal. kwikphilly, you're the real deal. Where is God's love? My soul is so full of hate...hate, anger, wrath, and a desire to kill, even...where is Jesus? Oh, and thank you.
  2. None taken. This is YEARS of pent up frustration. Nobody deserves what I just recently posted. Hopefully things will come around.
  3. Yep. Going to continue calling you "christians" out until I find the answer I am looking for. I know where all of you shared your answers from. You havent answered everything. I am doing my part and reading God's word, so it's on my heart. Maybe I'll have a change of attitude eventually, but from your responses, I will not allow you to lock me into weakness. I want to find STRONG Christians...SUCCESSFUL Christians, even if I have to make some of you feel a certain way. I always get my answer, no matter what the expense. Why are some supernaturally blessed, and why are some supernaturally starved? What makes the difference? I am doing my part reading the word; maybe I'll find the answer there, but most of you seem content with living a subpar life, and that's GARBAGE. Rise up and ask for more out of life. God will give it to you. None of you seem to understand...I dont care for your sentiments. I came here to win. I came to Jesus to win. I see other snooty stuck-up Christian associates of mine moving forward in life, and they have Jesus too. I will not accept my lot in life; there is always a way to win. If you cant show me victory, or if you do not live in victory, be advised...I will strike at you if you feed me garbage. I'm looking for winners, not losers. Either tell me how to win, or go back to your cubby hole and suck your thumb until the world comes crashing down on you. Literally, Christians are the biggest hypocrites in the universe. You preach Jesus as your rock and salvation, yet you cant even pay the bills at the end of the month. How dare you?
  4. What's the matter? nothing to say? EDIT: 3/27/2017...still nothing to say? Where's your wisdom? I thought you guys knew God. Turns out, you really dont. All you guys like to do is tell people to surrender it all and be passive. You're all full of it. You're no real're just people who gave up on life and use God as an excuse. I know you see me. You dont know how to reply, because YOU CANT. I know the truth, and you seem to be oblivious. Where's your 'encouragement'. Oh wait, I'm supposed to give up on my dreams and wants, and live passively and weakly like the lot of you do. Riiiight. I guess that's why you're not replying...BECAUSE YOU DONT GET IT. Alright. I'll keep here, waiting for one of you to wake up.
  5. (hmbld, most of the below does not pertain to you, but rather, the majority) But I dont just want peace from God. I want more. That's why I came to Christ. I WANT MORE. The peace from God is among the rest I seek. I will not live like a loser. I will HURT CHRISTIANS if the truth is that I cant succeed. I'm up to 1 Kings now, and I have learned God wants his children to win, but they keep sinning. God wants EVERYONE to thrive, but because of sin, that prevents God from going against his word. As of now, I can't take any other Christian seriously. I have no respect for any other Christians, especially ones with stinking thinking. I will challenge you, fight you, and humiliate you until I get to the answer. I know victory is contained in the bible, and God wants everyone to achieve victory. It is written. I will get to the bottom of it. Yes, everyone goes through hardships, but what ALL OF YOU CONVENIENTLY FORGET TO LEAVE OUT, IS THAT THERE IS A VICTORY WITH EVERY HARDSHIP, AND WE DONT HAVE TO WAIT FOR OUR PHYSICAL LIVES TO END TO CLAIM THAT VICTORY. That is why I am rude to all of you. You dont truly get it. You dont share values of championship and success. I SEE YOU ALL AS WEAK and PATHETIC. You have no drive to win, and it irritates me, because some people who come seeking Christ try to find champions who did it, and all they hear from ARE WIMPY LITTLE BABIES WHO CANT CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING. (hmbld, this isnt you. I'm just speaking from experience). I AM TOO ANGRY TO BE NICE TO THE MAJORITY OF YOU ANYMORE. I WILL EVOKE THE ANSWERS I SEEK, AND IF I HEAR SOMETHING THAT ISNT VICTORY, I WILL BE MEAN TO YOU. Be aware of that. It's like some of you are OK with being losers in the world. You sicken me. I will be victorious, in spite of you.
  6. And to add insult to injury, I go on an interview today for MY SEVENTEENTH JOB (Thanks God, pfft) in two years. ...I thought I was going to administer standardized testing in a certain school district. Turns out, I GET PLACED in the school that's in a city with NO AVAILABLE PARKING, a high crime rate, and an 85% chance of getting ticketed. Also, there are never any spots to park, because it's a condensed urban area, and I have no choice but to take the job. NO, I AM NOT GRATEFUL FOR A JOB THAT IS MORE OF AN AGGRAVATION THAN A BENEFIT. I HAVE TO TAKE IT, BECAUSE I HAVE NO CHOICE. ARE YOU PEOPLE BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND WHY I AM SO HATEFUL AND SPITEFUL? ARE YOU? Are you still going to tell me God is good? Are you still going to INSULT telling me God provides? Are you? ISNT GOD A PROVIDER? Am I that horrible a human being God deems to give me the worst of the worst in life? But...I am reading the word of God, and allowing it to change my heart towards him. This is a moment, but mostly, I have been reflecting on the word day and night. I am doing what I can to know God better, but stuff like this...getting a job in a high-risk disaster area...that's a smack and a spit to my face.
  7. Thank you for being understanding. I did not mean to be rude direct towards you, but it's the subject of the matter. Victory, as I see it, is living everyday, 24/7, 365 in God's blessing, provision, protection, guidance, and love. Victory is having a beautiful wife at my side, also obeying the LORD, and both me and my wife enjoying a life of freedom, love, excitement, passion, and happiness. Victory is being able to be entrusted with God's will for my life, and being a part of his plan to save millions. Victory is waking up in the morning, giving thanks for all the blessings me and my family have, knowing God is smiling on and providing for us. Victory is never having to worry about what's in the bank account. Victory is never wondering if we're going to lose anything tomorrow. Victory is having peace of mind, and being able to relax every day. Victory is being able to serve others without restraint, even though, at this moment, I could REALLY CARE LESS about helping others. Maybe that will change once I am fully rooted in God's word & love. Victory is being able to be thankful in all things, and not resentful or angry. Victory is having a dream, and receiving visions to creatively realize that dream. Victory is having the respect and fellowship of like-minded people who walk with you, offer friendship, love & acceptance to you, and appreciate your company. Victory is hanging out with the winners in life, and keeping the toxic losers out, and helping those who want to escape the losers. Victory is making the WORD OF GOD come alive, and dominating everything that is evil, and living in success and victory all days of life. I am reading the Word of God more and more, and am allowing it to root in me, and grow. God did not cause my suffering, but his word PROVIDES MY VICTORY, and I believe that strongly. The apostle Paul suffered so we can grow in the word. Jesus DIED so we can be free of sin and have everlasting life. Matthew 18:18-20 18 Truly I say to you, whatever you [q]bind on earth [r]shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you [s]loose on earth [t]shall have been loosed in heaven. 19 “Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them [u]by My Father who is in heaven. 20 For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.” It's in the word. I shall master the word. I shall allow God's love to reach me, then work through me, so others can witness God's love at work. Also, on King Saul: Samuel was late, and Saul was pressured to do what he did. Why isn't SAMUEL the one to fault? Samuel was late; he went against his word, and THAT is a sin back then, and God didn't punish Samuel for being tardy (Again, talking Old Testament Law here...)
  8. That's garbage to me. I only care for victory. I see others have it. I read the word of God to achieve victory. I would care, but I have been offended, grieved, and blackballed so many times, I do not care. I will never care. It's either victory, or I reject his name; however, I am reading the word of God so that if something changes, then God can use me for good, but if I imprint the word of God on my heart, and no results occur, mark my words, Jesus is as good as rejected. I have been hurt too many times for me to call God good. With what is occuring in life right now, I dont expect any of you to understand. When you say "emulate Paul", you tell me you are weak and unwilling to achieve victory. I cannot accept that advice, and you should know why. I am not weak; I am a fighter and a winner. Paul HAD to endure suffering for the sake of scripture, but none of us EVER HAVE TO LIVE LIKE HE DID. Dont feed me that garbage.
  9. Thank you. I have been reading the OT for a while. Up to 1 Samuel 22. ...I pity King Saul, even though he did disobey God grievously, I pity him. It was almost unfair. I have someone I know...he's no friend of mine. He's an arrogant new england preppy-wannabe snob who walks around like he's the prince of buckingham palace...gets whatever he wants, commands other words: He's King David, and in comparison, I am King Saul. He's been responsible for most of my hateful words here. As of now, I just focus on God's word, but I wished nothing but misfortune and death to this guy. As of now, I dont care as much, because of the word of God, but when I read about King Saul, I pity him. I feel like King Saul, and that other arrogant preppy snob is King David. if I did not have the word of God working in me right now, I would be much more vicious, but reading King Saul's plight against David...makes me feel like King Saul, and all my past memories made me think that God saw me as a King Saul. It sickens me.
  10. The Devil cant read your mind. But he can hear EVERY word you speak.
  11. I'm sorry. It's a battle. I was crying inside today. I dont know what to do
  12. IT was unforgiveness in me. That's what the issue was
  13. Forgiveness was the answer...and it's why I was wrathful
  14. God's love is apparently given to all believers freely. It's our hearts that determine how we love. People are pushing me to go over the edge. I, on the other hand, am now aware...
  15. Look, here's the truth. My heart is HARDENED. I openly mock God for failing to provide a good life for me. I wanted he never provided. I want him to provide. I could care less about anything else. I will not negotiate with God. I dont like God. I dont have love for him, because for over TWO DECADES of my life, I've been bullied, abused, hurt, mocked, ostracized, and humiliated by society, and God never did jack diddly squat to help me out...he just WATCHED. WATCHED as I was hurt. God never cared, from what I can see. How can I love a God who sandbagged me and let me suffer for over 20 YEARS from ridicule? That's no loving God to me...that's an incompetent tyrant who deserves to be condemned. I dont expect any of you to understand. You all insist God is good. ALL I KNOW is a God who never gave a flying rip about me. THAT IS ALL I CAN SEE. When you say God is good, and fail to tell me why (scripture doesn't count...apparently, there is no scripture for coping with bullies and abuse, GO FIGURE) ... I have to question you, 100%. I question your integrity, your intelligence...your credibility. Who is God, who left me to get ripped apart by the wolves of society, that I should love him? HE MADE ME SUFFER. WHAT LOVE DO I OWE HIM? Would you love someone who molested you? Killed a family member of yours? Mocked you in public. Let you get beat up by a gang, and did nothing about it? THAT IS WHO THE LORD GOD IS TO ME. I'm trying to learn to love him, but evidence points...HE IS MY ENEMY AND HE LET ME SUFFER. As another point, you can say "Oh he went to die on the cross". HOW DOES JESUS DYING ON THE CROSS FIX THE TWENTY YEARS OF ABUSE I HAD TO TOLERATE AT THE HANDS OF CLASSMATES, TEACHERS, AND PEOPLE IN GENERAL. HERE'S THE ANSWER: JESUS' CROSS DOESNT FIX IT. END OF STORY. Please approach with a more practical response, and dont waste my time. I read the scriptures. I know what your pitches are. BE HONEST. Mind you, all I have to do is turn my back on the LORD and become an occult freemason. I dont owe God. He let me suffer from the hands of other children growing up. I owe HIM NOTHING. HE OWES ME. So are you going to keep feeding me all this stuff about "God loves me so much that he sent his only son" ... or do you TRULY understand what the issue is here, and can you show me WHY God isn't responsible? Do you understand? DO YOU? DO YOU? Do you understand where I am coming from? This isn't me trying to deny the faith...I just want my TWENTY YEARS BACK THAT GOD STOLE FROM ME