Daughter of God

Thank you! It went well! We scheduled a second interview for tomorrow evening because my video wasn't working. 

I'm kind of glad about the video glitch -- this wasn't THE interview, so I'll have time to prepare. I've been all out of sorts since waking up this morning. Worried, anxious, sad. I can't tell what's wrong! I don't think much has changed, diet, or anything. Doing pretty well on sleep.

I hope and pray I'm not being attacked. I really need to keep my psychological balance right now. I'm going to have interviews right and left all week!

Another interview this morning! Over Skype, here in Korea.

The position seems even better, but I'm torn until the other one...

Please pray for me!!!

I feel so guilty I stayed up late again last night.   

Then I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

There's a tiredness in my bones.

Please pray it's the right one and I get the job if so. Or if not, that I get the right one. I'm changing jobs in Korea and I don't even speak the language. Can't afford to come home yet, no family to fall back on. I really need to find the right situation and some stability to get my life in order. 

Feeling alone. And SO tired. Sleep deprived, drained from self injury. Sick. Another mile walk to work, another 9 hour day on my feet.

I need my weekend back, and to eat enough to use it this time. 

Weekend feels wasted. I haven't been eating. I didn't get the work done that I wanted to. I feel bad about it.

I didn't write, either. I can still do that. But I still have more to do, too. Argh...I need more time than this job allows. I have 6 more weeks at it, too -- the boss pushed back my leave date because my replacement's paperwork is delayed. I don't feel I'm beginning the week well like last weekend. 

But I had a lot more to do this weekend, too. Really intimidating stuff. I did get some of it done. And maybe the application I've been trying to work on isn't for a good fit job? Or maybe it is, but I'm being unreasonable about time tables. If I can't start until June (God help me, if I have 2 weeks off UNpaid), maybe I have much more time to prepare. I need to finish that lesson plan sample and personal essay. 

And write back my friends. And references. And get some laundry done tonight. And. And. And.

I feel awful today. I'm not entirely sure why...except that worries and fears have been eating away at me since I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep for 3 hours. I was doing so well last night, too. Now I feel...sad.

There's a job I really want, but I'm scared I won't be able to get a reference letter from someone back in the US, or that I won't be able to get it in time. My other job prospects are SO worrisome, for a number of reasons (shady employers, pay, locations, hours). I don't want to lose this opportunity, it's for a great position, and my hopes were high. 

Now I just feel so sad. 

I'm also just disappointed in myself, I think. I still freak out when I try to make certain changes in habit.

I say "still," but it's only been a few days.

My health is flagging, and temptations have been rough. But I'm holding on so far. I know I need to read my Bible more...I've just had worries creeping in again, especially about being paid in full by this potentially shady Korean company, and that unbalances me.

Especially as a foreigner who doesn't speak any Korean, I'm not sure what I could even do legally if they don't come through. Also, I can't afford legal fees, and I need money to relocate to a different city in a month's time...

Still fragile in my strength, but I'm trying. 

Not much chance to put my resolutions in action yet, which i really need and am praying for. 

Hi, Paul.

I'm doing a little better today. I found hope...in things I'd somehow overlooked before. Memories of moments, brief episodes, when I did break through the darkness...but I'd gotten scared and run away. But it was my choice, and I could've stayed. That proves that change is possible, that things can change if I...learn to sow what I want to reap. Instead of following an old script from the darkness, doing what I'm used to, over and over.

So I'm going to try. I'm still at baby steps, not strong enough to walk yet. But I'm looking forward to better days. 

Thank you all so much for your prayers! I'm still a long way from home, but I think the worst may be over...

I keep having fears that it's all hopeless, that I'll never make it out of isolation.

I'm also having frightful temptations to go back to the Catholic church. To the ease and comfort of just disappearing into a pew and a routine, and going through the motions. It's tempting to believe that I'm "loved" by the spirit I felt so strongly there. The temptations and whispers from that spirit tell me that at least that's better than nothing. Even though that spirit kept me numb to my own feelings, while my desperation, irritability, loneliness, and anger grew and grew out of control, even while I tried to ignore them. Even though that spirit told me to isolate myself, that I didn't need any human love and that I should avoid any connections or relationships with others, even ordinary friendly talk with co-workers and classmates. Even though that spirit told me that I should give up all my dreams and just sink and give in to my exhaustion, disappearing from the world and waiting to die ("doing penance"). 

I know that's not God. That's not the God of my childhood. The God I remember and truly loved in my innocence. I never really loved the Catholic God. I just grew more and more focused on myself, actually, because I was frightened of punishment and of losing the comforting feelings they call "consolations." I became consumed with those thoughts, and lost all interest in the God I once loved, or in any real relationship. (Human and otherwise, even though deep down I did still long for both.)

I was going to mention something else about Catholicism, something crucial, but I've forgotten. I still really fear lapsing back into it because it gets too painful to press on toward light and life. I want to go forward, not back. Hope is fragile, though. I have nothing to hang on to, and no discipline. I can't do everything on my own. I really need some concrete changes in my life, something to hold on to, and point to, and say, See -- I know things can change because they HAVE. They're starting to, so there's hope and reason to press forward. 

Thanks for your prayers. I'm not in a state to explain things right now...I'm just so relieved the weekend is finally here so I can rest. I'm praying I can get out of this situation into the right one without any more drama from this company. And that I close the door to the wrong ones so I can open it to the right ones...

I'm just spinning right now, unable to get my bearings...

I think I'm under attack. I haven't been praying or reading. I know God is still here but despair and bad habits have been threatening...I keep worrying how I'm going to fix this after a lifetime of trying. 

Yes, amen. things are still tumbling along faster than I can keep up...I just got home, and now i have to go straight to bed to get up in time for work again tomorrow...ahh, what a life. My replacement will get here by May 1st, I'm told -- thank God for that. That's when I can move on...

Your support helps more than I can ever express. Being alone was a huge part of my suffering. I also got good sleep and food last night and that did wonders for my mood. I know your prayers are working. I'm more hopeful but the struggle is still extreme. 

Thank you both so much. Naomi, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kindness. I just went for lunch and my card declined. I'm always on the verge of tears anyway and now this. I have to go right back to work now too. 

Please God save me from the mess I've made of my life and make me live like I'm supposed to.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. 2 weeks till pay day, and my paycheck will be peanuts. Especially after they dock the 4 days i was out, and my tardy fees. And they may find a new teacher soon. How will i get home to America???

11 hours ago, naominash said:

Hello Daughter of God. We are spiritual beings, true, but we have to take care of our bodies too. Our faith is based on truth, not feelings, but our feelings can lead us astray, especially if we don't eat or sleep properly. We also need companionship to feel okay. 

I will pray for you right now. Make sleep and good food a priority. Then you will have more clarity on what to work on in your life. Lack of sleep will add to your anxiety and doubts about your position before God.

Thanks, I agree with most of what you wrote. But my health situation is much more complicated than this. Unfortunately, they're not nearly enough, and my health itself sometimes makes both impossible. I have no appetite, and the meds interfere with both sleep and appetite. I need sea changes...massive healing on multiple levels. Then there's money and circumstances. Food isn't easily accessible where I am, never mind ready to eat food, and I don't have the physical strength to cook and run around for groceries in a country where I don't even speak the language. 

I'll try to eat what little I have now, but I'm going to run into problems soon.

I woke up today in dire straits. I'm really having trouble hanging on to hope. My situation is just so desperate -- how can things possibly change? I don't have the strength or even the physical energy left to do battle. To "pull myself up by the bootstraps." I've been so. crushingly. lonely all my life. I feel like I can barely take another step alone. I'm overwhelmed by all the things I'd have to do just to survive. I don't want to die. I'm not at the point of suicidality again. But I want to curl into a ball in the corner and wail. I don't know how to deal with the mess my life has become, how to turn things around. I have no access to help in this country, I don't know when or how I'll be able to make it back to the US, and even there, I somehow never knew how to get help or penetrate church circles. I was always invisible to other people. And I have poor social skills due to almost no socialization with other kids as a child. I'm painfully shy, always assume my company is unwanted (because it certainly was growing up, and no one ever hesitated to let me know it -- and they didn't value my feelings in the least, not even enough to cushion or conceal it...they were constantly put out by my very existence, and their open irritation at my presence, never mind ANY expression of my own needs, much less any wants I dared to mention...it shut me down more than I think I ever let myself realize. It still hurts so bad to think of it, even over 20 years later. Therapists have tried to go into these areas, but I think the things they said went in one ear and out the other. I wasn't ready to hear it, and I think the reason I ran from so many therapists was to avoid the pain. I wanted healing -- I started seeking out therapy on my own when I was only 13 -- but I was also a child, and I couldn't handle the pain. Even in my 20's, I don't think my brain ever quite grew up normally, knocked off course by so many drugs -- which they started giving me at 13, in lieu of therapy or real healing. They did nothing but harm, and increased suicidality was one of the "side effects" I had. Tried again at 14 and 15. God, what a way to grow up. But I gave up on therapy years ago after too many bad therapist matches.

I've gone off course...but I don't know how to stay on course. I'm dealing with too much, and I just don't know how to do it on my own anymore. I don't just mean God. God didn't make us to rely on himself alone. Otherwise, we'd need no food or medicine, either. I've asked God to send the right people into my life, the kind of people I've been looking for all my life, who can understand my pain and my extreme sensitivity. Who I won't get freaked out by and run from. Who won't let me walk away so easily, either, or be glad to just have me off their hands. The kind of person I wanted to grow up to be, actually, but I've completely given up on that dream -- I don't think I could get any more funding for another degree, and even if I could, I don't think my battered brain could handle the math component for psychology. 

I can't stop crying. I've had just one experience of connection with another human being where I was able to let my guard down at all. Not completely, but enough to feel it. It was only six months ago. And I could go back there, but I don't think that's what God wants. Or what I need now. Too much wrong there. But it gave me hope. And I had two other experiences of being able to truly relate to someone, in the summers of 2015 and 2016. It was so new, so unexpected, after a lifetime of searching. In all the wrong quarters, apparently.

I ruined it both those times, though, by not being open. I was embarrassed before people so...together...and I became very awkward, withdrawing again on the assumption that I wasn't wanted (how could I be?). But that assumption was wrong in these cases. And that also gave me hope, even though it still hurts that these two possible friendships were ruined before they could ever start.

I'm backsliding spiritually. I don't know how to explain; I feel brain-dead right now from barely eating all day, and now being up so late. But I've been beset by doubts about being able to survive financially, professionally, and about ever being able to find anyone I can connect to, even in friendship. Anyone I could love, or be loved by. Just a lot of hopelessness creeping in. The extent to which I've been deceiving myself about the seriousness of my health condition is finally dawning on me. I'm *extremely* bad off. How am I even going to get it together enough to go to a doctor and get things documented? Never mind get on disability? And I can't keep working like this much longer. What will become of me? 

God, don't let me down!

Thanks for your prayers. I'm getting better taking penicillin and an anti-inflammatory enzyme, and my system is handling them just fine. I'll need to buy more tomorrow, but I'm trying my luck going to work again, too. *Fingers crossed.*

I really experienced God's presence again today, for the first time in...years, probably. It's not as powerful as it once was, maybe, but it's still with me. 

And it's so different from the spirits I've been messing around with. I promised to forsake Catholicism, and put away some of the idols I've had around. I'll leave them at the church maybe?

I guess I need to find a new one, too. Hopefully one that speaks English this time. And that I can get to on foot, since cab drivers almost never do, and I've yet to risk the buses here. 

But this God is actually powerful. And responsive. I've asked him to handle everything -- all my concerns about money, survival, health, isolation. Etc.

I still really want to go home, and I've asked God to show me where to go next. I need a nice place where I can actually find community at church, and where I can realistically hope to find a decent part-time job. (I can't physically handle full-time right now. Even my last Stateside job was grueling.)

And, probably, where I can get started with minimal start-up funds; I doubt I'll stay here much longer. I need to give them some notice, though, and hopefully I can recoup some money working until they find a replacement for me. Still dreading that conversation, though. 

My sickness is up and down like a rollercoaster. The fever, the sinus infection, everything. I'm still not eating or sleeping enough. I saw the doctor today, and she said my throat is infected, too, and that it looks like the infection is just getting started, not ending its course.

She said I need to come back tomorrow to take a flu shot or else try my luck with antibiotics or acetaminophen again if my OTC medicine doesn't bring my fever down by then. I'm praying, because antibiotics severely messed up my system a few years ago, and I haven't been able to tolerate them since. And I'm not supposed to take blood-thinning agents like acetaminophen because I have heart issues. 

I can't stomach the thought of returning to work, either. Especially with my system in recovery. It might just wear me right back down to zero, and make me very sick again. I was outright loopy yesterday. My contract says I can't miss more than three unauthorized days, though, and this is unauthorized (unscheduled).

Other than that...I'm still worrying about money, terrified of walking by faith to what God has promised, and not trusting Him.  Hope is guttering low again, but I've been keeping the window open while the rain is falling -- by entertaining my worst fears, throwing up imaginary obstacles that I've used as excuses to procrastinate. 

I'm so scared that there's just no hope for me. Spiritually or otherwise. I'm just in so much pain, and my psychological and physical health is so messed up, that I can neither think straight nor muster the focus and willpower to avoid sin and practice virtue. I'm praying that God will bring the right people into my life, because I don't think I can do this alone. I'm also praying that He'll close the wrong doors and open the right ones. Living from fear is what got me into this mess. I can't seem to find the courage to live by faith, though.

Thank you. I'm very sick at the moment, and it's hard to pray, or even make myself read the Bible. I'm trying to trust what God has shown me about focusing on the light instead of the dark. To stop worrying about money -- I desperately want to go back home to the US, but I might be wiped clean if I don't stay at least 6 more weeks. Then I'll have peanuts.

Staying 3 months (what they want, as stated in the contract) seems extremely daunting. I don't see how I can physically do this job that much longer, or even 6 weeks, but...we'll see. I'm desperately trying to keep the faith, and keep hope burning. Please pray that I see it through this time, and reach God's path for me -- and stay on it!

God bless.

Strange that I found this thread today. I was just thinking of this a few hours earlier. I'm not sure of the wisdom of responding, honestly, since some of the responses seem outright callous to me, and I'm someone who flinches at that kind of attitude like people are throwing burning acid at me. It's not just PTSD/depression/social anxiety for me; my external circumstances have been nightmarish for most of my life. I've been getting increasingly desperate for years, and I just don't know how to handle my conditions anymore. 

Yet, I decided today that I still want to try, too. That I love myself and that I deserve better than this misery and isolation. I'm not going to give up on myself because I'm worth fighting for. And the dream of the love and happiness I've longed for all my life keeps calling me, not letting me let go.

Hope that I can ever reach that dream is a terrifyingly unstable thing, though. That's why I think I need to be more careful of the kind of attitudes I expose myself to, because I'm extremely impressionable and sensitive. If I'm around black-minded, "tough-minded" people, I wither like a burnt leaf so fast... 

I just made these decisions today, so I'm still in the process of learning how to apply this insight...

Not sure if this will help anyone else, but I thought it was a perspective worth sharing. While isolating is a terrible self-protective measure, sometimes opening yourself up to the wrong people is the worst move of all. And if you find a church, please make sure the people around you are at least reasonably healthier than you (mentally, emotionally, spiritually), especially the leaders. That's at least as important as other considerations, as many horror stories can attest, mine included. 

Well...so sorry it's been so long. I lost internet access for a while, and then stopped bothering for a longer while... I can't express how much I appreciate the continued prayers @NOONE7!

Hope it's OK to resurrect this thread rather than start a new one. Seemed more appropriate. Easier than repeating all the stuff about my past, too. Again, sorry, everyone...

I'm trying to find my way again...and I've got a long way to go -- I've ended up in South Korea! Teaching English in a hagwon that straight up exploits its teachers (9-10 hours a day M-F, mostly on my feet, for peanuts). I knew I should've stayed in Hawaii as God was telling me, bringing everything together for me, but certain things seemed too hard.

People were telling me it was unrealistic, and I panicked, as I have a tendency to do. I've always been so impressionable, so sensitive. It scares me when I think how I'll move forward, how I'll break through initial hardships anywhere, with anything.

The desperation of my situation has caught up with me, which has brought me here. My health has deteriorated in this semi-starved lifestyle, and with the horrendous air pollution they have here. I've been trying so hard to be "tough" for so long, shutting God out, shoving down my own emotions.

Can't do it anymore. I'm not made for that. And it's miserable beyond belief.

I'm very much still trying to find my way, though. I'm currently attending a local Catholic church. (It's closest, 5 minutes' walking distance, and boasts a priest with functional English.) That's honestly part of the repressive "toughness" problem. But they have 5 weekly Masses I can attend, and I'm dying for something to cleave to. Reading the Bible isn't enough; I'm too lonely.

But I want to go home so badly...the catch being that I don't know where "home" is exactly, and I don't have enough Korean to call a cab. Ha-ha...not. I don't know how I'd survive unless I stayed long enough to save a little money to start up in a new place, either.

And I'm still trying to decide where the new place should be. I really need to find a good fit. Part of the problem in Hawaii was the Left-leaning, somewhat aggressive types among the indifferently laid-back ones. I think I need a culture a little more amenable to my personality (sensitive dreamer, in a nutshell, but conservative-leaning). 

I'm at the end of my rope. In desperate need of prayers, but I hardly even know what for. I don't know how I'll survive or make myself do whatever it is that needs to be done until I can find some kind of respite, some place to land. I need to settle somewhere, to put down roots. I don't have the personality to be a rolling stone like this; it's extremely stressful for me.

How will I live until I get a job back home? How will I get a job back home? In what? I really don't know what to do with myself. Everything feels up in the air, maddening, overwhelming. 

I even lied to get this job, hiding my PTSD. I'm not sure I'll be able to hide it forever, though. I cry most of the time I'm at home, and even tear up at school a lot. No one seems to notice. Yet. 

Can you get disability with PTSD? I don't know if I could live with being disabled, though, especially so young. Maybe I could get off once I find a job? Though my life has felt beyond over for years, I realized today that I really am not willing to give up on myself. I still want to try. For what? For something better than this. And...for something beyond my miserable isolation. This isn't how I'm made to live. 

I don't trust God, can't discern which voice is even God's anymore. But I have to try something. Thanks for bearing with me and reading this far. This must be the longest prayer request on record, but over-explaining is one of my foibles. Or a symptom of my current state.

I'm still afloat, my money draining from hotel stays. I really need to find a nice, safe place ASAP. But I know God is taking care of me, and will take care of me, though it's hard for my PTSD-altered brain/body chemistry to behave accordingly. My gut is writhing with anxiety, and it's hard not to panic.

Even after the other night. I don't know how much detail to divulge. I felt the need to praise God at the time, but I actually feel I'm not supposed to really talk about it, so I won't. (I'm not speaking of visions or anything freaky like that. It was very concrete, tangible, and inarguably REAL. An ACT, not a feeling.) It was just amazing, and I swore I'd never doubt Him or give up again. Though, weirdly, my feelings haven't changed a lot -- I'm sure He'll take care of me, yet I still find myself emotionally freaking out. I know I have to walk in faith, and His grace *is* there if I'll let the peace into my heart, willing to move in trust. 

But God is it hard to do that if you have a lifetime of not being able to trust anyone. It goes against long-ingrained chemical workings in my injured brain...

Anyway... I'm stuck with open network wifi at a hotel, so it's a huge task booking anything. I really need to find a place to *live* immediately. Like, within the next week. I can't afford to go on indefinitely this way. I don't have a home or family or...anyone...to fall back on, or turn to.

So I'll need to just pick a place in this coming week, and pray God gives me good options. That He opens the right doors, etc. - and closes the wrong ones tight! (I have a terrible panic-impulse to choose those, especially when I fear for my security...it usually backfires. Though I hope I know better after this last move of God's.)

Praying this floating ends, and I can finally settle down this week. And find a good local job, or at least an online job with adequate pay...but one thing at a time, I guess.