I feel like I need to ask people for forgiveness, but I don't know what for. Meaning, I don't remember what I've done.
I remember calling my sister names, but should I ask for forgiveness 10 years later? I've recently accepted Jesus Christ as my master and the savior who gave his life, that I may keep mine.
I've always been loyal to my parents an honor them. But recently my uncle an elder of the church, said before I get married, I have to ask parents for forgiveness. But for what?
I've asked and cried for forgiveness Contemplatively(In my mind), after accepting Jesus. I felt deep guilt and wept. I'm not a vocal person, but see myself as a mind/thinker rather. So when I sing, I sing in my heart and pray in my heart, all throughout the day. Not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. My singing voice is absolutely garbage, and it annoys even me to hear it. Even talking I annoy myself. God probably doesn't want to hear a scratchy, out of tune voice praising him. I know I can do it better in my spirit.
So I may as well give a bit of a testimony: I grew up in a strict Christian family. Which made me hate church and everything to do with it. Forced to go 5 times a week, 2 hours a service. I've always kept to myself, with a tough guy attitude, but inwardly loving. Always straight face, rare emotion display. I wasn't allowed to any non-Christian friends, so most of my child/young adulthood I was alone with my thoughts. No t.v., games, etc. But after I moved out and turned to the sinful world, is when I felt free, and when I started slowly turning back. Not to Christianity right away. I gathered my spiritual thoughts about the world. I was mildly into meditation, philosophy, astral projection, etc. The typical nature-freak stuff. However up until about a week ago, at work I started listening to a Bible audiobook. I have 8 hours of spare time to listen, and after being bored of music and everything else. I finally decided to give the Bible a go. Which opened my eyes. I've read the Bible before, but never like this. I realized who Jesus was, and how amazing his gift was. My change wasn't immediate. I didn't jump up and shout, "I believe in you Jesus". But over a few days, reading each Biblical book, one after the other. I found myself believing. In my heart I genuinely said, I believe in you Jesus, you are my savior. Multiple times I repeated it in my mind(next paragraph I'll try to describe why and how my mind works). After that over the next few days, I asked for for the holy spirit. I begged for it, saying I need it God. For the past week, since I've been saved. I have not gone a day without shedding a tear. I'll listen to worship music, and I'll let my tears flow. I'll think about Jesus dying on the cross; I'll weep heavily. Last night, I wept the most when I cried to Jesus begging for forgiveness. I can barely write all of this without weeping as I am now. Listening to music and crying, I feel peace, and I want to cry more. Crying for repentance, it hurts my heart. My heart hurts now I as I write.
Today for 24 hours I dedicated my time to a fasting. No water, no food, only air(and the word of God). I dedicated this fasting to forgiveness. Forgiveness of my sins, and others. I bow, pray and ask for signs and forgiveness. But recently I've watched a video, where I realized the smallest sin will earn me the lake of fire. I want to make sure my soul is clean and pure. But I doubt, because I feel I need to ask forgiveness of others. But I don't know for what. Should I ask even if for nothing? Or have those sins been washed away? I have forgiven everyone (as far as I 'know' ).
I feel like I have the Holy spirit, yet I doubt. I've never been this open-hearted. I've had a few 'mild-signs' over the past week. Those being, my body felt like it froze up for a few seconds, while I wept listening to praise music. Another time, my right hand was on my heart, while I laid in bed and wept for forgiveness. After about 15 minutes into my prayer, my hand went numb. Only the part of my hand that was on my heart. My other hand was on my stomach, almost equal position, so I don't see it being cutoff circulation. I get chills/bumps, not from being cold, but while listening to music usually or something spiritual related. After which tear up.
My mind is dangerous and deep. Dangerous I say, because I feel I can think too deeply. Which can be a blessing and a curse. It makes people less humble and innocent. Which is making repentance extra hard for me. My mind thinks on multiple levels at once. This is hard to explain. Not multi-tasking, but very deep, all thoughts in my mind at once-comprehension. A probable contribution from being raised as a thinker. I believe it's partially aware-subconscious thought, interwoven with regular conscious. Meaning I think equally with my subconscious and conscious.
Even as I write this now, I question myself and try to think really deep, to make sure none of what I write here is out of pride. I sometimes feel I have sins in my heart that don't even have a name, or exist outside of my mind. Just being the way my mind works. I feel like I sin, and I don't know what to ask for forgiveness, as I don't know the name for the sin. I wish I was simple minded.
This is a lot, I vented half way through, but I hope someone has some encouraging words. If not, hopefully my testimony opens someones eyes.
May God bless all of your spirits.
I feel like I need to ask people for forgiveness, but I don't know what for. Meaning, I don't remember what I've done. I remember calling my sister names, but should I ask for forgiveness 10 years later? I've recently accepted Jesus Christ as my master and the savior who gave his life, that I may keep mine. I've always been loyal to my parents an honor them. But recently my uncle an elder of the church, said before I get married, I have to ask parents for forgiveness. But for what? I've asked and cried for forgiveness Contemplatively(In my mind), after accepting Jesus. I felt deep guilt and wept. I'm not a vocal person, but see myself as a mind/thinker rather. So when I sing, I sing in my heart and pray in my heart, all throughout the day. Not because I feel I have to, but because I want to. My singing voice is absolutely garbage, and it annoys even me to hear it. Even talking I annoy myself. God probably doesn't want to hear a scratchy, out of tune voice praising him. I know I can do it better in my spirit. So I may as well give a bit of a testimony: I grew up in a strict Christian family. Which made me hate church and everything to do with it. Forced to go 5 times a week, 2 hours a service. I've always kept to myself, with a tough guy attitude, but inwardly loving. Always straight face, rare emotion display. I wasn't allowed to any non-Christian friends, so most of my child/young adulthood I was alone with my thoughts. No t.v., games, etc. But after I moved out and turned to the sinful world, is when I felt free, and when I started slowly turning back. Not to Christianity right away. I gathered my spiritual thoughts about the world. I was mildly into meditation, philosophy, astral projection, etc. The typical nature-freak stuff. However up until about a week ago, at work I started listening to a Bible audiobook. I have 8 hours of spare time to listen, and after being bored of music and everything else. I finally decided to give the Bible a go. Which opened my eyes. I've read the Bible before, but never like this. I realized who Jesus was, and how amazing his gift was. My change wasn't immediate. I didn't jump up and shout, "I believe in you Jesus". But over a few days, reading each Biblical book, one after the other. I found myself believing. In my heart I genuinely said, I believe in you Jesus, you are my savior. Multiple times I repeated it in my mind(next paragraph I'll try to describe why and how my mind works). After that over the next few days, I asked for for the holy spirit. I begged for it, saying I need it God. For the past week, since I've been saved. I have not gone a day without shedding a tear. I'll listen to worship music, and I'll let my tears flow. I'll think about Jesus dying on the cross; I'll weep heavily. Last night, I wept the most when I cried to Jesus begging for forgiveness. I can barely write all of this without weeping as I am now. Listening to music and crying, I feel peace, and I want to cry more. Crying for repentance, it hurts my heart. My heart hurts now I as I write. Today for 24 hours I dedicated my time to a fasting. No water, no food, only air(and the word of God). I dedicated this fasting to forgiveness. Forgiveness of my sins, and others. I bow, pray and ask for signs and forgiveness. But recently I've watched a video, where I realized the smallest sin will earn me the lake of fire. I want to make sure my soul is clean and pure. But I doubt, because I feel I need to ask forgiveness of others. But I don't know for what. Should I ask even if for nothing? Or have those sins been washed away? I have forgiven everyone (as far as I 'know' ). I feel like I have the Holy spirit, yet I doubt. I've never been this open-hearted. I've had a few 'mild-signs' over the past week. Those being, my body felt like it froze up for a few seconds, while I wept listening to praise music. Another time, my right hand was on my heart, while I laid in bed and wept for forgiveness. After about 15 minutes into my prayer, my hand went numb. Only the part of my hand that was on my heart. My other hand was on my stomach, almost equal position, so I don't see it being cutoff circulation. I get chills/bumps, not from being cold, but while listening to music usually or something spiritual related. After which tear up. My mind is dangerous and deep. Dangerous I say, because I feel I can think too deeply. Which can be a blessing and a curse. It makes people less humble and innocent. Which is making repentance extra hard for me. My mind thinks on multiple levels at once. This is hard to explain. Not multi-tasking, but very deep, all thoughts in my mind at once-comprehension. A probable contribution from being raised as a thinker. I believe it's partially aware-subconscious thought, interwoven with regular conscious. Meaning I think equally with my subconscious and conscious. Even as I write this now, I question myself and try to think really deep, to make sure none of what I write here is out of pride. I sometimes feel I have sins in my heart that don't even have a name, or exist outside of my mind. Just being the way my mind works. I feel like I sin, and I don't know what to ask for forgiveness, as I don't know the name for the sin. I wish I was simple minded. This is a lot, I vented half way through, but I hope someone has some encouraging words. If not, hopefully my testimony opens someones eyes. May God bless all of your spirits.