KaterinaChk

I have been thinking about myself and my life lately. I try to be a good Christian but I found out that the only thing that is refraining me from commiting very wrong acts is the fear of burning in hell forever. That's it. I can't think of myself as a good Christian anymore. I dislike to say it but my love for God is barely noticeable. Oh, and by "wrong acts" I mean EVIL acts, such as cheating people out of things, manipulating them into doing what I want, being physically cruel to animals and more. I don't know why, but I sometimes feel a sudden urge to torture animals. Even thinking about it makes my heart race. It gives me a sadistic pleasure. I have daydreams about having unlimited power and success, beating people up and more. I think of people that annoyed me years ago. Four years ago a boy pushed me and today I imagined myself doing what I was too scared to do back then (because I was at school). I mean, if he had pushed me these days, I would have beat him up so hard that he'd be lucky to be able to wake up... in the hospital. I hope I haven't horrified nobody. Long story short: if I didn't believe in God, morals wouldn't exist in my life. I'd do pretty much everything within the bounds of the law. What I'm trying to say is that I'd like to stop fearing the hell and start loving God... Thank you. Btw: I'm female, 18.

I'm a 18 year old female questioning her entire life right now. Firstly, I am supposed to be Christian but I don't feel like one. I consider myself agnostic. That's because no matter how hard I try I just can't believe in the existence of God. However, I don't really believe in His non-existence. Sometimes I am a believer, sometimes I'm not. When I pray I feel like no one listens to me, like I try too hard to believe in something that doesn't even exist. I've tried talking to God, saying that I want to know and believe in Him, but nothing has ever happened. Whenever I feel like God does exist, I change my mind quickly afterwards. I would give everything I can to find out the truth! I hate being so confused... I hate being so paranoid, like why do I even believe that priests are clowns obsessed with money (If I'm offending the priests out there, forgive me, please). I hate to dislike them! I dislike most of the Christian rules and traditions. Secondly, as if my confusion isn't stressful enough, I also feel attracted to the same sex. Same sex only. And I don't see anything wrong with it although it goes against the God I am supposed to believe in. Yep. My life turns out to be a complete lie. I wish I were a man! Not because I feel like one, but because I could have a relationship with someone I feel attracted to. I hate having these not-so-healthy thoughts... I would really appreciate if someone would be willing to give me some advice... Thank you.