scott864

On 3/22/2019 at 4:08 PM, Sower said:

Money is important. But it's ability to influence, is limited.  Love, a parent's love, is always the bedrock of the family.
Look at the problems of the rich and famous, the nightmares the parents have with their spoiled brats. 
Could there be another family problem you are not addressing, or did you have a positive/Godly relationship with your married son?
You have a choice to allow or not, your feelings to change, or not, towards your married son, because of his financial blessings.
Why not rejoice with him, and thank God for His blessing you son.
Is his wife, and/or her parents believers in the Lord Jesus?
Are you, scott?
Perhaps it may be wise to enjoy your new son's family as it grows, however THEY allow you to.
I know as a parent myself, it is a reality I had to face when my children left home
and started their new life with their new family. (Including his/her new in laws)
Try not to show your negative feelings, as this will push them away.
Be happy for them.
This can/will draw them to you.
Eventually.
Wait upon the Lord.....

 

They are leaving me out of things and I don't feel it's right. It's hard to be happy for him because it's the inlaws who are providing money and other resources and I can't do anything of equal value and I'm losing my son because of it.

I'm not grateful to God for those financial blessings because they have power over my son

13 hours ago, R. Hartono said:

When we r old age we Will b forgotten.

No. I don't agree with that. I never forgot my parents and I still help them out as they are both in their 80s.

28 minutes ago, Sower said:

Just give it time. A new family, new faces and new activities will draw your son to his wife's parents, which is normal. And good for 'HIS' marriage. He has a new family to start, support and raise, and with what you have taught him, Pop,  will do the best he knows how. The day will come, if you don't over react, that your son and his wife will see you for what you are, a loving father, still there with love, ready to be there for them. The influence of money will lose it's importance over time, and your faithful love, being there for them, will win out.
Give it to the Lord.
Pray for them.
Pray for the in laws.
Thank God for your son's new wife.
Thank God for your future grand child.
Thank God for all your children.
Pray for your other two still home.
Trust God..........
 

My second child isn't at home with me.

26 minutes ago, Sower said:

Just give it time. A new family, new faces and new activities will draw your son to his wife's parents, which is normal. And good for 'HIS' marriage. He has a new family to start, support and raise, and with what you have taught him, Pop,  will do the best he knows how. The day will come, if you don't over react, that your son and his wife will see you for what you are, a loving father, still there with love, ready to be there for them. The influence of money will lose it's importance over time, and your faithful love, being there for them, will win out.
Give it to the Lord.
Pray for them.
Pray for the in laws.
Thank God for your son's new wife.
Thank God for your future grand child.
Thank God for all your children.
Pray for your other two still home.
Trust God..........
 

The influence of money won't lose it's importance over time. His in-laws are already planning college funds for the kids. They are winning there and I don't have any means to help my son's family or his kids. Sadly, money has power in this world. I won't be able to make an impact on his life.

28 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

there is a very true saying " a son is a son till he gets him a wife, a daughters a daughter the rest of your life "

Sons need to establish their own household and yes they will have more to do with the wife's family ( see the saying above ) If you feel resentful then it will be uncomfortable when they do visit and the visits will get less .. its a nasty circle  You appear to resent the in laws for having more money to spend than you do but in the end it is not about money it is about love ( one of my daughters is married to the son of a very rich man and they see him perhaps twice a year his grandchildren don't know him at all well but love coming to  me where we do simple things like puddle jumping and baking )  Don't waste your time with your daughter bemoaning what you don't yet have with your sons At least you still get to see them I lost mine one when he was 10 days old and the other when he was 22 years old   Praying for you 

I really hate that saying and I don't agree with it all. Again, that saying plays into the double standards. Yes, I do believe both adult men and women should establish their own households, but I don't think the wife's side should have be favored more over the husband's side of the family. That is just unfair and cruel that women's families get precedence over the husband's sides of the family. People like you who push that stupid and ridiculous saying are one of the many things that is wrong with society. 

1 hour ago, Zemke said:

These emotions are tough to deal with and real. There's nothing wrong having the feelings but actions we take that subdue or inflate can make all the differance. The first thing that comes to mind is you having a 16 year old and ALL your attention and energy should go toward that human being. Children when older, especially boys, will drift and you need to let it go. Gear yourself to the one child still with you by simply listening to whatever they have to say. They can tell if you're listening or not. You just keep telling yourself to let it go. You've been through difficult times, I'm sure you can handle this.

Sixteen is tough so don't expect much and many times it's the little things. Food, lodging, clothes, the basic needs and when they do speak put down the book, the phone, the hammer or wrench or a "Hold on just one moment...okay, what's up?

Your saving grace in this situation is your youngest. You still have parenting to do but not with the adult sons, you're done. You'll always be dad, the other inlaws will never be and your boys know the situation. At some point you'll get over it and will be happy for your boys but again you're a dad still with a 16 year old. He/she doesn't deserve to wear any, and I mean any, of your struggle with the other kids. 

This will get better. 

Why should I let this go? I will always love my kids and be their dad and I don't think it's right that you are telling me to let it go. DOn't you think it hurts me that my sons are forgetting about me? I worked my ass off for years to support them monetarily and also emotionally. I did a lot for them and I don't think I should accept them drifting away. 

41 minutes ago, Who me said:

It is tough being the unpopular grandparent.

As has been said your priority is your third son.

A couple of questions.

How well do your sons get on? Is your eldest happy to hang out with your youngest? ditto the middle one?

How much of a handiman are you?

Keep in touch, remember all birthdays, wedding anns etc

It is strange what grabs kids, they are use to the smart and modern while what you have is more 'unusual' and that can be a draw.

My kids loved visiting my inlaws because it was different and Granda has Chickens that they could feed.

Last point. Ask your son if he is ashamed of where he came from, is that why he won't visit.

My third child is a girl. I remember all important dates and i also fix stuff for my son and daughter-in-law. 

I'm a widower with two adult children(23 and 26) and a teenager(16). My oldest son got married last year. The woman he married comes from a wealthy family and as a result they are able to give my son and his wife a lot of things. My late wife and I had a lot of financial struggles because she had multiple sclerosis. We were never able to take family vacations anywhere and our kids never went to stuff nearby like sporting events, concerts, and amusement parks. My son's in-laws take them to concerts, NFL, MLB, NHL games, and vacations. They went to Hawaii two weeks ago and I have to admit that I was very sad seeing their pictures on Facebook and Instagram. Part of it kills me because I wasn't able to give my kids nice vacations and other events.   My son spends a lot of time with his in-laws and not much time with me. It's hard for me to discuss this with many people because I get accused right away of being an intrusive in-law. I see a lot of double standards in our society regarding adults and their parents. It's seen as perfectly fine for parents of an adult woman to want to spend time with their daughter, spouse, and kids. But, when parents of an adult man want to spend time with their sons, they are seen as overbearing, intrusive, and pushy.  

In addition to trying to talk about my issue, I've done research and I have seen websites like DWIL on babycenter, WeddingBee, WeddingWire, and various sites where women talk about hating their boyfriends or husbands' families and it seems like our society basically encourages that kind of behavior. On Wedding Wire, there is a thread of women happily talking about leaving their in-laws from wedding and pre-wedding activities. While I know some people can be mean to their daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws, it seems when the opposite happens like son-in-law and daughter-in-laws leaving out their in-laws or being mean to them, it's just accepted and women especially don't get called out for mistreating their in-laws.

My other son is 23 and this is starting to happen with his girlfriend. His girlfriend and her parents take them out constantly to concerts and games. I invite them to BBQs at my house and I'm always turned down because they are off somewhere with her parents and family. I'm tired of being mistreated by my sons, older son's wife, and other son's girlfriend. I'm upset that our socieyt basically thinks it's ok for women to leave out and be mean to their in-laws. 

My son's wife just annouced that they are expecting their first child and I'm already upset because I know I will be left out of that child's life for different reasons. I won't be able to give that child nice gifts like my son's in-laws will be able to do.

I'm really hurting these days and I don't know what to do.