Writing this has taken a great deal of courage on my part. But I’m stuck and so confused right now. I’m going to do my best to summarize this situation while also trying to leave out any details. My husband and I met in middle school. We were 14 years old. We were allowed by our parents to “date” a few months after the attraction started. My husband comes a pastoral home. Most of his family members are Pentecostals that follow every rule to point of preaching and practicing religiousness instead of a true love for Christ. I am an only child. Parents were divorced before I turned 1. My mom had a few boyfriends, only two moved in. The second being my step dad that basically helped raise me after the age of 11. My husband and I had some issues while dating. We were so young. Arguments created by jealousy mostly but we were very young and these were never red flags. We never thought twice about getting married right out of high school. Hormones were ragging and we didn’t want to fall into fornication. Yet, as mentioned before he was alway very persuasive and convinced me many times to do other sorts sexual acts before marrying. I always spoke up and said it wasn’t right and we were sinning but his persistence was strong and I always gave in. I always felt so guilty but I kept doing it to avoid having to hear the persistence. In hindsight, I was very weak minded. We were engaged by 16 and married by 18. I had lots of push back from my mom. She warned me so many times that I was too young and didn’t know what live was but I was so madly “in love” that I didn’t hear her warnings. We were leaders in church because that’s just what pastors kids do. I was introverted and he was very very social. I always blended into the background and was often told I needed to change my habits of being quiet. That I wouldn’t get across to any youth members by being shy. That pattern of being subtlety told I was not doing a good job led to many insecurities. Sexually, it had to be at his time and when he wanted it. God forbid id fall asleep or say not tonight! That would into to hour long discussions about how that meant I didn’t love him if couldn’t wake up for it or if I could so easily say I didn’t want it that night. I would speak up and say I’m just tired it has nothing to do with not loving you. But my words were always followed by another persuasive argument. Eventually, I learned to submit and have sex even if I didn’t want it just to avoid an argument. Eventually, I convinced myself I was wrong and I should want to have sex when he does. I put up with this emotional abuse for years, either by persuasion, manipulation, narcissistic thinking, verbal abuse and more. Yet, in front of everyone he was the most loving affection husband. He really was and still is extremely affectionate but it’s all physical. Behind the scenes I battled for emotional and spiritual well being. There were zero boundaries….ZERO! Space was never an option. We had to argue for as long as he wanted to. I’d beg for space and time and never got it because he thought a marriage is not solved by space. We solved things arguing until I gave in. Fast forward with two kids later. His narcissistic behavior only got worse. By this point I was numb and truly believed every word he said, did everything he said. I started to become depressed and my self esteem was non existent. All the while I was clueless to the critical issues going on in my marriage. I knew something was wrong but we argued about it and I’d give in. Endless cycle. His need for sex and affection got worse as the years passed. Eventually he persuaded me have a threesome with a girl from church. We started having drinks hidden from everyone because no one could know we drank alcohol or we would be kicked out of church and we would dishonor his parents as pastors. The pressure to meet expectations was real. We had sex with her many times over the course of 1 year. She would go home and we would go to church the next day. He would become jealous of her and I. He would scream and tell me I loved her and not him. That I enjoyed her more in bed. One time he was so angry he grabbed me by my neck and shoved against a door to prove to me that loved her. But then he couldn’t stop himself from instigating another night with her. I fought him so many times on this. Telling him I felt guilty. It was sin. We were liars in front of our congregation and before God we looked like clean cups on the outside while the inside was filthy. The fights and issues around this weren’t worth it. But he didn’t listen and continued to pressure me to have another night with her. That led to us both having some sort of side relationship with her even though we both denied it. For years after that we continued this on and of thing with this girl. There was always toying around with her in some aspects although we stopped having sex with her. Pornography was the only way we could get each other to be turned on most of the times we had sex. We became main pastors of a church after his parents persuaded him that it was his calling. The wages of sin is death and our marriage has been dead for years. We have now been married for 16 years and been together for 20. I see now that we always tried to satisfy our need of God with other things in the world. There were so many hidden sins slowly killing us and our marriage and no one knew a thing. Arguments were worse. His narcissistic ways worse. The love bombing and gaslighting were worse, always been there but worse. No of us willing to get help for fear of shame. I was so blinded by his manipulation and persuasive ways that I no longer had a voice for myself. I believed I was worth nothing even to God. Too much sin was allowed to invade our marriage. I recently had an affair with a man. Entirely emotional never sexual. It lasted just a couple months but he was the trigger that led me me to open my eyes to the emotional abuse I had endured for so long. He was gentle, never overbearing, always understanding. We had an emotional relationship that I cannot explain. It felt to right and so easy. I was and still very emotionally attached to him. None of us went out looking for each other, we were coworkers turned into friends and with time that turned into heavy feelings for each other which we both confessed to. We never spoke about sex or about leaving our significant others. We knew is was wrong but emotionally we couldn’t let go as fast as we should have. The affair now has ended but emotionally I still need him yet I try to pray and distract myself when thoughts come to my mind. I have now confessed this to my husband and asked for space to think things though. My marriage is crumbled. My husband now sees his faults and says he is going to fix them all. He’s love bombing me but still giving me space by sleeping in another room. He is unable to comprehend space and boundaries. We are both going to therapy separately and speaking to our current pastors, not his parents. He wants to save our marriage at all costs. I in the other feel like my eyes have been opened to a new reality. A reality where I can free to do as I wish without retaliation. A reality where I can find God and depend on God alone and stop searching for my husbands approval for everything I do and choice I make. I’m checked out and really think this marriage is far from fixable. Of course, God can do all things but the amount of work that we need it put into fixing this while at the same time fixing our very broken relationship with God are just too much for me to process. I want a fresh start at life, at love one day very far ahead, at meeting and depending on God, at finding myself, at learning how to love myself. I feel like I’ve grown from in 20 years. My mind and mentally are so different. Sexually I cringe at knowing I have to have sex with him if I don’t end things now. My kids matter most to me. They’ll be devastated if we get a divorce. The backlash from family and friends upon me for choosing this will be basically unbearable. Do I chose my happiness and rely solely on Jesus to make a way for me and my kids or do I give in to his ways and try to give this another shot. I have fallen out of love and made myself love him again so many times during our marriage. I do want to force myself to fall in love again. It will never be love again. Will it? I need advice!!!
