Going to try to make this brief. I am a Christian. My husband is *not*. He believes in God but that’s as far as that goes. We met when I was very backslidden and out of church. Relationship from beginning was very volatile and there were many red flags I chose to ignore bc I wanted him to want me…mainly over a toxic ex of his and I wanted to show him that I could be the “perfect” wife/homemaker. Married after 7 years of “dating”. Didn’t really date. Just moved in together literally one wk in to knowing each other. I grew up in an independent fundamental Baptist church and was VERY naive to a lot. We married and now have 2 little kids. Now that I have kids and am back in a relationship with God, I have come to regret ever marrying him. I love him, but from the beginning, it wasn’t right. That being said, I can be disappointed about many things in our relationship…no sex unless he’s drunk and even then, 90% of the time it’s not actual sex. There is no affection from him. We live like roommates…but literally in separate beds bc he drinks every night and stays up much later than me, so he passes out on couch and ends up in another room/empty bed. I wish he was a godly man that leads our family spiritually. I could go on about the disappointing things. However, there is very destructive behavior as well. The destructive behaviors don’t happen every day or even every week. It’s always when he gets mad. He immediately starts cutting me down with very hurtful names…degrading cuss words for females and always adds “fat” in there. Having 2 little girls who hear him say that to me is what really gets to me. He is very rude to my mom and family whenever they come over. He literally hates my family and also uses their failures to throw them in my face when we’re fighting. I make more money now but he used to constantly degrade my job and income bc he made more than me. I don’t make more than him still but it’s a decent income and he doesn’t throw that in my face anymore. He never ever apologizes or admits when he’s wrong. I walk away when he starts with the name calling in fighting bc I don’t want to engage. I try to come back later to talk about it and he says he’s over it and there’s nothing to discuss, so nothing ever gets resolved. I ask for date nights and he says no it’s a waste of money and he sees me all the time anyway so there’s nothing to talk about. Wont go to counseling. I’m going by myself. Porn. He got drunk the other night after I had specifically asked him not to bc we have a sick child and my other child always comes in my room middle of the night. I didn’t want her to be in the same room as my sick kid, so I’d need him to go lay down with her. He was so drunk I couldn’t get him to wake up and when I told him that he chose alcohol over his child, his response was “F$&@ you fatty”. He is not necessarily a mean person to strangers, but definitely not a kind, compassionate one. He tells me all the time that unless people can do something for him, there’s no need for them in his life and honestly makes me wonder if that’s why he’s with me. He doesn’t have any real friends….etc.
Bottom line is I’ve been reading about disappointing vs destructive marriages by Lisa Vernick. I just missed the deadline to join her private fb group that discusses this so was hoping to get outside opinions. I’ve always been fervently against divorce and honestly, it’s still very hard to know with kids. He says he’ll never call them names like he does me, but I know it will happen and he’s doing it to me in front of them. I know this isn’t physical abuse and I think to myself that even if I left, he’d still have our girls at times and would have the opportunity to treat them the same way. I’ve prayed for him so much begging God to save him. I have dreams of us being a family on fire for God, but I fear that I’m using that as an excuse to cover up his behavior. The cycle is weeks to even months of just “normal” life. Raising kids together and he is great with the kids, very hands on and helpful. That’s it though. There’s no affection or desire to even spend time with me or make me happy (I don’t think I’m asking for a lot). Then it hits bad times where even just a small fight immediately turns ugly, fast. I shut down and when I try to come back and talk to him, he doesn’t want to. I “get over it”. We move on until it happens again. Just worn down from it all. Sick of the cycles of behavior. There are no consequences for his actions, so of course, he’s going to keep on doing them.
Thanks for reading all of that. 😵💫
