Dear Failed Christian
I hear what you are saying. I had a similar experience. I went to church twice a week for about a dozen years. I stopped going for a couple reasons. The biggest one was the teachings of church just didn't speak to my heart. Listening to the pastor did not cultivate the sense of innner peace, compassion, and love that Jesus exemplified during his life. I found that instead, much of the teaching was based on fear of judgement, and interpretations of a very old, good book. Mostly, what I found at church was a lot of judgement and fear. I was not endowed with a sense of the bueaty of life, the ubiquitous existence of love in our universe, the fabric of stillness and peace that is our self, the power of spirituality, and how we are spiritual beings having a worldy experience....and how these things relate practically to your life, instead of what happens to you when you die. I basically concluded that if I wanted to walk in the path of Jesus I needed to cultivate innner wisdom and peace.
I have been on that quest ever since. I know now I am closer to Jesus by looking inward. When you penetrate inward you see yourself and God as one. This actualization is so founded no-one could convince you otherwise. I did not find church to be a holy place...I think the idea that God is a separate, judgemental, being that one should appease and offer reward to in the hope that one may fall into its good graces is a backwater concept. That is not what we are dealing with. My advice to you is practice your spirituality in a place that feels holy either with yourself or others and cultivate a penetrating inner gaze. You won't be disappointed. Which denomination you choose is irrelavent.
I hope I didn't offend anyone.