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When I'm not depressed and distracting myself then I have to deal with the grief. I'm getting there though it still hurts like hell. Got Kris from church signed on now as some sort of mentor for me or something. Counselling is not gonna help right now making it all about me or whatever. Christian counselling on the other hand...I can list all the good things to come outta it and know Dad is completely healed and restored and not in pain. But it hurts so dam much and I prayed so dam hard and if God is as amazing and powerful as I know he is, he could have done these good things other ways. I know I'll never know the answers and trust God with whatever comes in the future. Not worried about anything, even if we have to move. But still mad that he let it happen. Satan and humans pigheadnesses caused all this brokenness but God could have prevented it. I just want my Dad and get very focused on myself. Church has adopted me know too. Apparently I am know administration...Now sure when I agreed to that but Friday mornings I fold the bulletins and make coffee and even do the prayer over the church directory and have me pray for some of the people as well. I'm telling you they are keeping a close eye on me. Father's day I cried the entire church service then slept until 5pm...I was glad to be at church though. it's very comforting now. For a while it seemed normal not having Dad around but my depression is lifting, not quite gone but getting there, and now of course I have feelings again...When I'm depressed it's almost impossible to put my thoughts and feelings into words despite how bad I may want to communicate. Easier to "show" people I guess so they feel a bit of what I'm feeling. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151700372136136&l=4357897968039702171 Dad got sick in December, pre-leukemia the doctors think and possible other kinds of cancer not detected. It moved so fast. We cared for him at home, there were no treatments to help and he hates the hospital. He passed away March 2nd so it's been four months today. I struggle to talk to others because I feel guilty for still being mad about it. I have seen SOOO much good come out of it and seen at ;east 5 people come to Christ during his last days. My Dad's cousin Lloyd passed away last month from the same condition. We rent our house which is currently up for sale. My older brother is getting a divorce and has had a kidney stone for the last 2 weeks. Both David and Nicki have lost so much weight from the stress. David has been trying so hard to follow God but Nicki refuses to try and fix their marriage. It's tearing the kids apart the atmosphere is so toxic so David is seeing a divorce lawyer but trying to continue to seek God through it all. Kailey at 17 refuses to have anything to do with her Mom who has pulled away from everyone and faith and spends every weekend partying. I just want her to wake up before she loses the relationship she has with her other 2 kids. Cole 13 is starting to get annoyed with his Mom and Haidyn 9 is constantly in tears and stressed. My aunt who has been doing amazing for years on the same meds is now struggling for bipolar depression. My grandpa is getting dementia and is getting weaker and is miserable with everyone. God blessed me with allowing me to be at my best for my Dad's last months, feeling happy and myself. The bipolar is back is full swing now and lost sight of hope that depression is only temporary. What a year. Honestly cannot see how anyone could make it through any of this without God's strength to stay standing and his hold on your hand to keep your feet from falling, one step at a time. I don't wanna be depressed anymore. I want to feel close to God again without thinking this isn't fair because although I don't understand his ways I really do trust his judgment. Much more reliable than mine when I'm up one moment and down the next. He sent his son to die on the cross and my Dad is now completely healed and restored in heaven. The best thing I could ask for besides one more day with him. Though I know all this and believe all this, I still have all these jumbled up feelings inside. I know being bipolar makes me more susceptible to depression and I'm in the middle of grieving. But I feel like I'm letting God down...