Shy Christian Posted April 13, 2011 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 23 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 198 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 57 Days Won: 1 Joined: 08/03/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted April 13, 2011 I'm a mom to a 23-year old son (only child) living at home. He and I are close and he has given me no problems, then again he hasn't had much opportunity to. He hasn't worked in four years and is only qualified for minimum wage jobs. Many apps have been filled out and he only gets called for 2-3 interviews a year and I think doesn't come across with confidence and doesn't get called back. Anyway... A few weeks ago he recognized a girl at a church young singles event that they had one community college class together a few years ago but had never spoken back then. He described her as "ugly" to me but said he was going to e-mail her anyway since she gave him her address. I read the first e-mail she sent back and she seemed thrilled to hear from him, used the word "love" and said she wanted to be ALONE with him. My son is a virgin and I'd like him to stay that way until marriage. I got to meet her briefly after church and she didn't look as bad as he described; however, he's very handsome and might prefer someone more attractive. He's no Einstein but I did pick up that she didn't seem too bright, and she's not employed either. She looked excited to be talking to a good looking guy...she's probably needy and not used to much male attention. Anyway, the two have written again talking about what activities they like, movies, etc. These are my concerns: My son says he's not attracted to her and just wants to be friends but I told him she's going to want more. I don't want her pressuring him into things he's not comfortable with because she's seeking "love". He doesn't have money or a car right now and I'm not in a position to give him money for dates or let him waste gas going to see her. Even if they just stay at her house and don't "spend money", if they're alone she'll probably be all over him. He needs to worry more about getting a job than having a friend or girlfriend. She will be a distraction to what's important, waste his time, cost him (me) money, and then possibly harass him if he tries to cut her loose. Isn't it smart to nip it in the bud now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LCE635 Posted April 13, 2011 Group: Junior Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 11 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 95 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 7 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/14/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted April 13, 2011 are you kidding me? it looks like you believe she is not good enough for him. He is 23, old enough to make his own decisions. You are right he should be looking for a job 24/7 or at ways to better himself to get a job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shy Christian Posted April 13, 2011 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 23 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 198 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 57 Days Won: 1 Joined: 08/03/2006 Status: Offline Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 are you kidding me? it looks like you believe she is not good enough for him. He is 23, old enough to make his own decisions. You are right he should be looking for a job 24/7 or at ways to better himself to get a job. Right. He should be more concerned about working rather than spending time with another unemployed person. It's not just "his decision" when it involves MY money and MY car. Girls cost money. And HE is the one that said she's ugly. He's very handsome and maybe has high standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 he's a 23 year old who has never HAD to grow up. listen, i'm not meaning this to sound mean, but mom, cut the apron strings. tell him he has a month to find a new place to live. he is never going to support himself until you make him HAVE to. he can do this, he can get a minimum wage job and rent a room from someone. or he can possibly find a live in job where he's offered room and board in exchange for his work. but YOU have to put your foot down. it's called tough love. i know you were actually looking for advice on what to do about the girl situation, but that's not your call. he's an adult, even if he's acting like a child. don't TREAT him like a child! that's exactly what you do when you try to manage his social life. (it's also what you are doing by allowing him to continue living at home.) by the way, why is he even allowed to use your car, your gas, your money? CUT HIM OFF. it's time to let him go. i suspect it will be a more difficult transition for you than for him, but your little boy is all grown up now. treat him like a man and demand he act like one too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isaiah 6:8 Posted April 13, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 426 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 3,633 Content Per Day: 0.58 Reputation: 222 Days Won: 13 Joined: 03/23/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/26/1978 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I agree with Lady C. The reason he has not found a job is because he has a safety net. There is no excuse for being 23 and Jobless for 4 years, other then not trying. You could get a college degree in that time. You could do a trade school. Not stepping up is because he does not have to. This seems to be a case of always wanting to be the mommy, the one your only son looks to. Same with this girl, it almost seems as if you want to tell him how to live hi s life, like he was a 10 year old little boy. Is this going to fast? yes, but he is 23. He needs to make his own mistakes and grow up, but it is apparent that your not letting him, and doing him a great disservice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shy Christian Posted April 13, 2011 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 23 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 198 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 57 Days Won: 1 Joined: 08/03/2006 Status: Offline Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 He doesn't use my car except to go for an interview or to a church event. I'm saying if he WANTS to see this girl then he will need to use my car and ultimately my gas. As far as giving him a month to find a job and get out, what is supposed to happen when he doesn't get one? Can't get a job when you don't even get callbacks from the applications that are made. Hundreds if not thousands of people are looking for these same jobs and probably make a better impression at an interview than he does. He's got the looks but doesn't speak too well. He can't pass Math so he can't get a college degree. He's not good with his hands or technically inclined in any way so trade school would not be successful. Since he's still my dependent and living more like a teenager, then I have a right to treat him like a teenager. When I was 18-21 before I got married, I DID work and pay room and board, but still had to listen to my mother, obey a curfew, etc. "Her house/her rules". Same with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 shy, you're making excuses. if you want him to become a responsible adult, you're going to have to treat him like one. he'll find a place to live. yes, the economy is rough, but there is no way he has tried consistently to get a job if it's been four years without one. so what happens if he doesn't have a job and a place to live, then he has to move in with a friend, or into a shelter, or into a job corp program. that's the consequences. and if you don't, then you will have him living with you til he's old and grey, and you will only have yourself to blame. and by the way, he can do math. he may have to find a tutor, but he can learn. colleges have peer tutoring available. and if he doesn't want to enroll in college, he could still hire a tutor thru a local college for very little money. did he graduate high school? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 and for the record, even in-and-out burgers pays their lowest paid burger flipper starting at $10/hour, which is more than i make per hour. how many times has he applied there? persistance pays off. you can't just submit applications online and hope that someone will call. you have to submit, then call them, then show up in person and ask to speak to the manager, then maybe submit again and again. that's true with any job you apply for. he's not trying. he's content to leach off of you. he needs to be made to stand up on his own two feet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shy Christian Posted April 13, 2011 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 23 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 198 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 57 Days Won: 1 Joined: 08/03/2006 Status: Offline Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 We don't have In/Out Burgers here...It's not how it used to be even 5 years ago when you walked in places and filled out a paper application. Everything is done online and he's probably not getting responses because it HAS been so long since he worked, so it's a Catch 22. As for the Math, he simply doesn't grasp it and I don't either. We all don't have the same amount of intelligence. He's repeated the class and yes tried tutoring and said he just doesn't get it. And this is Algebra 101. Even if he passed that, he would have to pass several more additional difficult Math classes just to get an Associates degree. He's a good son except for being unable to find a job and I could never put him out on the street. That's not what a loving mom does. His father died tragically a few years ago. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 i'm not saying you're not a loving mom, but you're enabling him. and he will never leave. there is such a thing as tough love, and you really need to either use it, or accept the fact that you will be supporting your son for the rest of your life. one or the other. there is no in between. it's not biblical for you to keep supporting your son. i know you think it's not a loving thing to do to kick him out, but it actually IS a loving thing. it's just not the kind of love that you're comfortable with, because you've probably spent your life being a people pleaser, a pacifist, and a doormat. i know it's not like it was five years ago. you totally disregarded what i said. i KNOW that applications are done primarily online now, and very few stores take paper apps. BUT... persistence doesn't change, and that is how you get jobs. he has to fill out the app (online) then go make himself SEEN and HEARD at the places he has applied to. he needs to go in, request to see a manager, introduce himself, let the mgr know he has applied and ask the manager to take a look at his app. and then he needs to stay on top of it and go back if he hasn't heard anything in a week. and he needs to do that for every job he applies to. and listen, this whole math thing is not about iq. it's about excuses, and you've allowed yourself to become an expert at making excuses for him. he CAN learn. he just needs to find a tutor. not all people learn in the same way. if he gets a tutor and he's still not grasping it, he needs to find a different tutor.you never answered my question about whether he passed high school. if he hasn't, then he needs to get involved in a GED class... where they'll teach him at no charge, because it is a community service. i was horrible at math, by the way. so was my younger daughter. and when she was in high school, she couldn't grasp it her first time around. i had to take it all the way to the superintendent to get them to move her into another teacher's class, and lo and behold, she not only was able to learn under that teacher, she was able to pass with a B in that class. she'd flunked it miserably the first time around, no matter how hard she'd tried. but, that's all beside the point if he's not going to enter college, and right now that would just be another expense. so he needs to find a job. as i pointed out also, there are many opportunities to work for room and board, as long as he doesn't have a criminal record. he could start looking through the domestic help section of the classifieds. either you teach your son to be a man or you live with the consequences and don't complain about them. a wise mother does the godly thing and raises her son to be a man... even if it hurts. even if it means tough love. even if it means sending him out to the street. i promise, he won't be sleeping in a gutter. he's 23, he has friends, he has resources. at the very worst scenario, he would have to stay in a shelter. he probably wouldn't even have to do that. he'd find a friend's house to crash on, and he'd find a way to contribute. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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