What to do...what to do....

[carlos123]

My situation in life has deteriated badly in the last week or two (circumstantially wise) and I find myself not quite sure as to what to do at this point in time and could sure use some good advice and prayer for any that care to give me some.

Here's things in a nutshell....

I quit my job today...it's a long story...some of which I have posted on here before but in order to maintain my dignity I didn't seem to have much choice in the matter.

My wife and me have been having problems in our marriage for a long time and things have come to a head. Especially in my having quit my job.

She considers security to be the number one thing of importance to her. Above her relationship wtih me. Above God and doing what is right. Above anything and everything. She has all but told me that herself with respect to her relationship to me and through her actions by the way she has out and out lied to protect that security.

A few days ago she basically told me that she wanted me to leave. Then she wanted me to stay. Now that I have quit my job she wants me to go again. I would welcome the break from a home situation that has absolutely gotten ridiculous and would have no problem leaving if that is what she ultimately wants for me to do.

I want to start my own business and am sick and tired of ending up in jobs where the people I work for don't have much of any integrity and are not very good to work for. The job I had before this one I had to leave because I squeeled on stuff happening in a group home that was bad such that I could not realistically continue working with the other staff there. This last job, aside from my boss illegally copying software with me helping out with our computer network, I have been subjected to screaming (in an email) on the part of the Operations Manager), to extreme pressure to do more than I can possibly do, to a total lack of respect and a willingness to listen to my concerns, and to being told that it's none of business what salesreps do in terms of continuing to sell our company product to customers who are complaining and obviously wasting their money buying our product (advertising) where we continue to promise them success without the realization of that and where I have to try and convince them, as part of my job, to see yet another salesrep who will yet once more calm their fears and sell them renewed hope.

Anyway my wife does not support me being in business for myself. I don't want to go back and get stuck in another silly job situation, she wants us to get counseling and I have offered to search around for some church somewhere where there might be someone willing to counsel us. At the same time she is unwilling to tell me whether she wants for me to stay or go before we get counseling.

If I stay and get counseling and do who knows what about my work situation I will shortly run out of money such that I will not be able to head South even if she ends up wanting me to leave after all is said and done. I will probably be completely dependent on her. A position I do not want let myself get into.

I am open to answering any questions anyone might have in an effort to discover what the Lord would have me do in all this. It's rather complicated and there are lots of different angles to all this. I wish I had more time to figure it all out but I don't. Decisions have to be made and made soon for we will once again find ourselves short of money and unable to change our circumstances.

My wife absolutely refuses to sell her house in order to help pay bills we have piled up. She absolutely refuses to follow me as head of our household and has taken back control over her own destiny if you will. She absolutely refuses to deal with the hurt and anger and bitterness in her heart saying that she is all but entitled to blast me because of the years in which I did not follow the Lord.

I am still here beause of the committment I made to her before God in marriage and for no other reason. I hate Canada...the cold and the pacifistic/leftist lean of the people up here and would just as soon go South.

And I sure don't need the bitterness and blasting that I continually get from my wife and my daughter (who all but follows in her footsteps). I want to leave and am concerned abou tbeing stuck here without the financial ability to do anything in that regard.

Carlos

[tillmother]

Praying for you in CANADA!!!!!

[carlos123]

Praying for you in CANADA!!!!!

Well....that's about all that can be done at this point I think. Prayer. Thanks tillmother.

I sense in my spirit that you are in CANADA . If so glad to make your acquaintance tillmother. Gladder still that a Canadian Christian will be praying for me (if you are indeed from Canada) since at the very least you might be able to sympathize with my lack of joy at the prospect of several more months of freezing to death (I came from Florida before coming up here).

There is one thing I dread more than anything else up here. More than a Canadian Grizzly even. It's meeting a woman like my wife in the midst of emotional upheaval and turmoil to where I absolutely cannot make heads or tails of what she says to me such that I am left with no clue as to how to proceed .

Of course such a thing is not singularly a part of Canadian womanhood but rather shared by members of the opposite sex in all parts of North America I think. Sometimes I wonder if I should have married a nice Philipino girl who would just cook for me and tend to my needs and follow me wherever I go without being so seemingly as complicated as North American women seem to have become.

Just now my wife ended up telling me that she was angry, that she feels that I am unsympathetic to her predicaments because I do not understand her but that what she has said was said in anger and does not really reflect what it is that I must understand. Huh? Or something to that effect since I did not quite understand what it was that she was trying to tell me that I did not understand which I should have, of course, just known how to understand . Such that we needn't hardly talk. The final result of this latest mini-talk was my wife concluding that we had nothing to talk about!

All that from coming upstairs to ask her if she thought her nephew might object to my using a computer of his that has been sitting around in our house for close to a year!

What's a man to do? If I stay I stress her out. If I go I am being uncaring and unsympathetic. If I ask her out she doesn't want to go. If I don't ask her out she blasts me for not doing anything with her. And if she does go out with me I can't really talk to her because anything I bring up stresses her out.

Carlos

[Guest Wisdom Seeker]

Father, I praise and worship You! I give You the glory for what You are already doing in Carlos's life and marriage. You never forsake us and are at work even now for Carlos, so that You may be glorified! I pray that You will strengthen and encourage Carlos and that Your Holy Spirit will guide Him in Your path.

Edited February 8, 2005 by Wisdom Seeker

[Matthitjah]

Carlos,

Brother Trust, commit it to the Lord.

My Pastor preached on this subject one Sunday.

The sermon kinda went like this;

((("Man that woman of mine is trouble. I tell ya if I could just get her straight man I could get on with it, etc....."

Having Marital trouble? Man Jesus Loves you. He Loved you even when you were unlovely. He just kept wooing you. You see He kept on even though everytime He leaned in for a Kiss? You were looking out the window. Still happens too. How would you feel if people didn't want to be seen with you?" Man that Jesus He's just too messy. All those strips of flesh hanging off. All that messy blood and that crown of thorns."

He's leaning in real close now. He's telling you how much He Loves you. He just keeps wooing you despite how unlovely you are. Man He just keeps buying you flowers. Yesterday He was by with a big old bouquet and a note that said,"I Love you more each day!" Man your like the object of His affection and I can't see why? He delights in you. Soon though He won you over with His intimacy. He Loved you into Salvation despite the fact that you rejected Him and rejected Him. ))))

Really I'm doing that service injustice. (The man can Preach!)

He went on to say that your really not having marital problems. You've got an intimacy problem. Hate your wife? Here is what he(Pastor) would do. Get up tomorrow and say, "Man I Love that woman!" Then go her a big bouquet and tell her how much you Love her. Thank You Jesus for this woman. Praise God from the foundation of Creation the Lord has been good to me uniting me with this woman. Look at all her fine quality's. Then list them. If you can only find one? List it. Then tomorrow get up early and start all over. Thank Jesus for her and her Salvation. Thank God that your Married. List her quality's again. Got no money? Ring up some flowers from the charge card. Take em off a grave and show that woman some appreciation. Spend lavishly on her just like Jesus did for you. Win her Love with your long suffering patience and overwhelming kindness. Despite the fact that everytime you slide in close she turns her head.

Honor your wife man of God.

Trust God complicitely.

P.S.

I think. Sometimes I wonder if I should have married a nice Philipino girl who would just cook for me and tend to my needs and follow me wherever I go without being so seemingly as complicated as North American women seem to have become.

Egads I hope my wife does never read this. She may drive to Canada and wrap a cast iron frying pan around your head? You see she's one complicated Phillipino woman of whom I am blessed to be Married to. Thank You Jesus for my Lovely wife and Your will for my life. God Loves me Bro , you too.

Peace,

Dave

[carlos123]

I think. Sometimes I wonder if I should have married a nice Philipino girl who would just cook for me and tend to my needs and follow me wherever I go without being so seemingly as complicated as North American women seem to have become.

Egads I hope my wife does never read this. She may drive to Canada and wrap a cast iron frying pan around your head? You see she's one complicated Phillipino woman of whom I am blessed to be Married to. Thank You Jesus for my Lovely wife and Your will for my life. God Loves me Bro , you too.

Man oh man did I get a laught out of that Dave. THANKS bro!!! I needed that like the flower needs the sun (I got that line from a movie called Knights Tale by the way - it kinda stuck with me ).

I was laughing out loud and hardy like. BOY DID I NEED THAT!!!!

Excellent input that pastor you heard had too Dave. Good stuff. I will have to trust God to give me the grace to love my wife that way. Your pastor is absolutely right on. How many times have I been ten thousand times ten thousand worse than my wife, to HIM!! Yet God loved and loves me still.

God's love doesn't excuse my wife's ridiculous behavior as of late just as it doesn't excuse my own in my relationship with God and otherwise but it does make loving her a bit easier from the perspective that it would be the epitome of hypocrisy for me to think my wife less lovable than God considers me.

I bought her some of her favorite food tonight at the grocery store. Cheese and sushi. And lo and behold I met her there and helped her with her groceries (she was buying for the group home she works at). She even extended her lips out for a kiss! Something she hasn't done in a few weeks. Maybe her cold heart is thawing a bit.

Incidentally I am not doing any of that to win her. I am doing it because it's the right thing to do by God. Whether she responds or not is up to her. I've never quite understood men who will do everything and anything to win their wives as though their very life depended on it. I can continue living with her but if she insists on me leaving I can do that too. In some ways leaving would be so much more preferable. I hate freezing to death up here and given the problems in our marriage the weather seems a bit colder than usual these days.

Carlos

PS. You know there is one thing that holds me back from loving my wife that way. She has wronged me BIG time in some things that I still hold against her in my heart of hearts. Every time I reach out to her or she to me those things come to mind. It's like pouring cold water on our love. She has never repented for those things either.

Edited February 8, 2005 by carlos123

[carlos123]

That's odd. It seems like a couple of posts from Angel and Leonard have been deleted from the thread. Oh well. Thanks to both of you for your encouraging words regardless. I got your posts through email anyway. For that matter so did everyone else so I don't know what good it did to delete them but ce la vi on the forum I guess...

Carlos

PS. I see now why they were deleted. One other persons was too so I think I understand. Probably a good call on the part of a moderator. Thanks. By the way no need to be concerned ya all. I am used to getting lots of flack from various things I say from time to time that people don't like to hear so it's nothing new. No matter what anyone says only what God thinks matters. And if something is not based on what He says then....well...it's amusing to hear it sometimes but it's not exactly gospel truth.

Still, I am not indestructable. It did feel like someone punched me in the stomach. Still does a bit .

Edited February 8, 2005 by carlos123

[Ovedya]

Carlos,

It wasn't anything that you wrote. I, for one, appreciate your honesty and candor in your responses. You are a genuine person.

It was a bad case of "poster gas" I guess you could say. I think someone must have eaten a bad piece of pizza before he/she posted.

[carlos123]

It wasn't anything that you wrote.  I, for one, appreciate your honesty and candor in your responses.  You are a genuine person.

Thanks very much Ovedya! Good to hear.

It was a bad case of "poster gas" I guess you could say.  I think someone must have eaten a bad piece of pizza before he/she posted.   

Man oh man God must think I need another good laugh!! That one had me rolling on the floor once again

You all keep this up and I am going to start crying while rolling on the floor. Come to think of it that wouldn't be so bad. Might release some of the incredible stress in my life.

My wife by the way has gotten so stressed out that she has taken a week off work. I quit my job (what a relief!!) and she has taken a week off work.

You know I was at the bank today waiting to talk to a personal banker (that's what they call someone up here who is more experienced at keeping your money in the bank than the tellers are ) and I couldn't help but see myself in a full length mirror. The view was quite shocking let me tell you! I don't usually look at myself in the mirror too much but tonight I just stared at myself. Sunken eyes. Deep black pockets under my eyes. A tired defeated look. It's still the same ol me inside but outside it seems that the stress has had quite an afffect on me physically. It was rather surprising. The face sure does reflect what one is going through.

Carlos

PS. Incidentally I wasn't kidding about the role of personal bankers. The teller was going to let me clear $600.00 on my last check from work. When I went in to see if the personal banker would allow more of my rather large check to clear she graciously told me that she would clear only $200.00. See what I mean

Edited February 8, 2005 by carlos123

[Ovedya]

Carlos,

I don't know if I can really offer anything better than prayer for you and your wife right now. Accept to say that my impression is that you both need to take some time off and try to re-connect with one another, in spite of the stress of being out of work and the finances. Now probably would be a good time to take a short and very cheap vacation - even if it's just unplugging the phone and hanging out at home. And maybe even seeing a professional counselor wouldn't hurt?