How to make the hate go away (long story)

[Guest SensitiveMan2003]

Hello everyone, I happened to come across this website and felt compelled to write. I guess I am looking for a place where I could let off some hurt and anger which still bothers me. It is a long story so I apologize.

I should start off by saying that I am a very sensitive, trusting, easy going, friendly, and open person. That has gotten me into a lot of trouble in the past because I constantly get taken advantage of, but it is something within me and I will never change that aspect of my life. What angers me now is something that happened over a period of time at my current place of employment.

Last year, the department I was working in went through some drastic changes, namely, many people quit and we were very short staffed. On many days, it was just me and two other guys doing tons of work and covering each other's back. Due to our sharing of the workload and sense of teamwork and camraderie, I became pretty close to one of the guys. I considered him a true friend and we always went out to eat. Many times during a break in the hectic work schedule, we would talk about very private and personal matters. I opened up enough to tell him a very personal and still painful situation that happened to me at a fomer workplace that I never told anyone else. Basically, I told him that I felt betrayed and hurt when two co-workers I considered close friends stabbed me in the back because of their romatic feelings for each other, and the stress caused me to leave the place.

Also last year, the department I worked in went on an extended period of inactivity due to lack of projects. To augment this downtime we were all sent to another department to help out their workers. It was during this time that I discovered certain disturbing traits about this friend. We were both on different shifts so I only saw him a few days out of the week. During this time I befriended another worker at my new department and we always hung out. It so happened that this new friend was dating a lady from the other shift that my old friend was on. What disturbed me was that my old friend was getting a little too close to this lady fully knowing that she was dating my new friend. He would constantly call her on her cell phone all hours of the day and evening and always wanted to go to dinner with her after work. He would even call her when she went on an overseas vacation. Oftentimes when we would get together to see how we were both doing, he would tell me that they both got "very close" talking about personal things. As I said before, I became very uncomfortable about his actions but said nothing. Much later he would brag to me about what a "gentleman" he is, because he didn't want to date a lady who seemed unsure of what she wanted out of a relationship, and that he wouldn't date anyone from work anyways. He even mocked my new friend behind his back to me by saying how jealous he seemed to get whenever he hung out with this lady at work.

A few months later we all went back to our old department and it seemed like the good old times. However, things went sour when our department hired several new workers including a young attractive female who came to our shift. This man I considered almost a brother changed overnight. He dropped me like a bad habit. No longer did he care about going out to eat with me or treating me with respect and friendship. His only concern was spending as much time with this new girl as possible. The little things really started to add up. One time at work a group of us were in the middle of a very busy work routine. All of a sudden my former friend and this new girl decided that they needed to go to church to celebrate Ash Wednesday. Now I respect their wishes but we were quite busy with the work load and this was in the middle of the evening (many of us were postponing dinner so we could finish the workload). They both leave and thirty minutes later we get a call from him saying that the church services won't start for another hour or so and then they disappeared. It tooks us several hours to finish the work and when we went to take dinner we saw them sitting in the offices eating dinner. I was furious, they spend hours doing something else and then take dinner at our expense? Not long after that he did something that caused me to snap right there in front of everyone. I came into work one day and noticed that I was not assigned to any tasks. So I went to my former friend, who was scheduled to do some very labor intensive tasks, and asked him that because I was not assigned anything, that if he needed help I will gladly assist him. He happily agreed and then walks into the supervisor's office. A little later, two other co-workers come up to me and ask me if I am ready to help them out with this labor intensive task. I told them sure, and asked where my former friend was. They both told me that it was just the three of us. Curious, I went to my former friend and asked him what was going on. He tells me with a grin that he and this girl are doing something else (very easy task) and that I was working with the other two co-workers. So I just lost it there and yelled at him, why are you acting like a lead and assigning people stuff when you are in no position of authority? Then with that same grin he tells me it was the supervisor's call. I stormed off and did not speak to him for a few days.

It was never the same after that. He treated me like a second class citizen and now followed this girl everywhere. He had to spend every minute with her at work. He saw how upset and uncomfortable I was with this situation, yet not only did he not care, he reveled in "rubbing it in my face" by making sure that he was sitting close to her or being by her side and touching her whenever I was around. This is a girl that has a boyfriend whom she told me she loves and wanted to marry one day. There was even a time he got very upset when someone from another department wanted to ask her out. He claims to be a gentleman yet I cannot believe the things he does with her behind her boyfriend's back. They carpool together everyday and he calls her day and night. He simply cannot be away from her for any period of time at work, everywhere she goes he gets up and follows her. At employee parties he is constantly by her side and "showing off" that she is "his" property. He is constantly watching her to see if other guys are getting too close to her. What I find most egregious about this behavior is that he would never, ever, tolerate anyone doing the same to any of his girlfriends both real and imagined. He has, in fact, gotten into trouble over his unprofessional conduct with this girl because it has negatively affected his work, but he doesn't seem to care.

I was dreading coming into work because seeing him I despised everything he stood for and the way he constantly treated me with disrespect. So I left for another department and soon felt much better. My supervisor wanted to know why I wanted to leave, he really liked me as a worker and a person, so I told him the truth and he understood and approved my request for a transfer. But a few months later I get the shocking news that the department my former friend is in was eventually going to be shut down again and everyone would be moved to my current department. And so now I must deal with him and this lady again everyday. I thought I had put that anger and hurt aside, but now am dealing with those same thoughts again.

The sad thing is, he doesn't know why I changed departments because I stopped associating with him before I left. He comes up to me recently and shakes my hand and acts as if it is old times. I can barely contain the disgust in my face. Yesterday he even hugs me and I ignored him becaise I was so full of hate. Today he comes up to me and shakes my hand and it was hard but I bit my lip and chatted with him for a little bit. When I was talking to him I calmed down enough to engage in routine chatter but avoided looking at him for any period of time. He is still following her everywhere at work. I told my current supervisor about the situation and he is a good supervisor and I trust him. I told my supervisor that I would deal with it, but I also told him that talking to my former friend in a sit down to discuss our issues was a no go. He had destroyed any ounce of trust I had in him repeatedly and why open myself up to him again? I am the most forgiving person in the world but I cannot forgive or forget his hurtful actions. Sometimes he asks me why we don't hang out anymore or it's not like old times, and I just ignore him.

Anyways, that is how I feel. I apologize for this being so long, but the only way I can express myself is here. I don't have many friends at all that I can vent to or talk with. Have any of you found it hard to forgive people, or how did you eventually deal with your emotions? There is no doubt many people out there who have suffered far worse than my trivial situations, and I would appreciate any feedback. Thank you so much for your time, I feel much better just getting things out. Take care.

[hazel]

Hi SM2003! It sounds like you're really hurting here. Forgivness can be tricky for people, but I sure am glad God is so good at it! I think we all have trouble forgiving each other from time to time, but we must remember how important it is. The Bible says that if we don't forgive others, we won't be forgiven! I've found it helpful to pray when old offences come back to mind. I say, "Lord I've forgiven this person, I've given this situation to You, please help me to remember that, don't let me walk in bitterness, and unforgivness. I know that is NOT Your Will for my life". Then I refuse to let myself sit and stew over the offences. But forgiving this person does not mean that you have to set yourself up to be hurt again. If you feel that you could be hurt again, or if being around this friend might make the old feelings come back, it might be best to focus your attentions on other people, and things for a while, until you're completely "over it". Forgivness is sort of like a muscle, in that the more you work it, the stronger it gets!! I know what it feels like to be "ditched" by a friend that you feel very close to. I have a friend that I was close to for a long time, and then suddenly I just stopped hearing from her. I was very hurt. About five months went by , and she called me to let me know of a tragedy that happened in her family. All was forgiven, the important thing was that she needed my support at that time, and I wasn't about to let hurt feelings stand in the way of that. We got to talking one day, and she told me that she'd been getting back into some old sin behaviors with another friend of hers, and that's pretty much why I hadn't heard from her in so many months. That hurt even more that being "ditched" in the first place. A few weeks have passed now, and guess what! I haven't heard a word from her. But you know, I'm okay with it because I have a Friend that sticks closer than a brother to me, and I know that He'll never leave, or forsake me! I'd still do anything in the world for my earthly friend , anything she would ever need. But I'm not going to sit around wondering what happened, life's too short!God bless you brother, I'll pray for you that God will meet your every need in this situation. In the mean time, chin up!

[Guest SensitiveMan2003]

Thank you so much for your reply and kind words, Hazel. I guess I am too sensitive sometimes but when people I befriend treat me like that because of their intimate desires for another person it really makes me sad. I have a tendency to run away from my problems and this time I can't just get up and run from a job that pays my bills. I will try my best to deal with this and maybe one day truly forgive and forget...

[RGR]

Well I guess it will sound sorta motherly when I'm a father, but any "friend" like that it is not a friend at all and you are better off without the relationship. Sure, in the flesh it hurts like all get out! But, if someone is ready to drop you as a friend at moment's notice, they weren't too much of a friend anyhow IMHO!

[rockswillcryout]

SM2003,

Wow. You situation sounds difficult and I'm not sure I will be able to help, but I feel the need to share this with you.

I used to work at a publishing company that was one great big soap opera. Lots of stuff like you described would go on and it's hard not to get sucked up into it. I mean, work is a significant part of your life and it's nearly impossible to not let it affect you as muich as it does. While I never went through a situation like yours, I've had very similar feelings of deception, back-stabbing, hurt, and the hypocrisy...I've definately been there. It went on for 4 years and this became my way of dealing with it:

1.) I kept my work relationships at work. This was epecially hard because I am single and there aren't a lot of other good places to meet friends. While iI made good friends in other areas of the company, the collegues I came into direct contact with, I made a point to only see them during work hours and at the company Christmas party. It didn't happen that way at first, but it got bad enough, that in order to keep my sanity, I had to sever some ties.

2.) I kept to myself at work, didn't pay attention to what was going on in the lives of the people I worked with. (I mean, of course I knew about important family things, like births, deaths, sickness, etc) but anything intensely personal - I kept out of that. It helped me not to get sucked back into to the lives of the negative people who hurt me in the first place.

3.) I prayed and waited and found another job. It took a while, but God sent me to the right place. I have no doubt. All the negative feelings about work went away...and I rediscovered who I was. Granted, you are always going to work with people like this, but there are ways to keep it professional without it seeming like you don't care.

God bless. I hope this is resolved with you soon!

[Guest Brenda C]

Hello sensitive man:

I am in the same position -- feeling hatred, and in my case, toward some supposedly "Christian" friends in leadership -- no less!

What I realize is -- I need to be more discerning. Don't overlook the warning signs. As you look back over these relationships -- can you see any signs that you overlooked, that if you had heeded, perhaps could have helped you avoid the bad end result?

Sometimes we are caught totally off guard. I had a Christian pal like that at a job, and a co-worker told me she shared a confidence of mine during a coffee break with the others, and they all got a laugh, at my expense.

It is miserable when you're going through it -- but it will end eventually, and you can be wiser next time.

However, we are all vulnerable and should be, to a certain extent. You and I can pray that God helps us avoid deception in future relationships.

Have a good day.

Brenda

[Anonymous]

I've been in similar situations. The good news is when we can't forgive someone on our own.... we've got help!

We don't have to "ok" or excuse the "bad situation." We forgive the person...not the deed. We do that by letting the Lord help us to forgive. We forgive and love our offenders by looking at them through the eyes of Jesus. We may not feel the forgiveness as "genuine" in our hearts...but if we keep praying for the Lord's help...we can forgive them--through Him!