dolphin39 Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 11 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/02/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted October 2, 2006 My husband revealed to me in Febuary this year that 14 yrs ago he had a one night stand with a girl he didn't know, at the time he was a sinner and a alcoholic he says that him and a buddie which was married also pick up a girl rode around with her and that he was begged to sleep with her by his friend as his friend did also,now he claims he was drunk which is no excuse! and that he did say no at first that he was married but they kept on and he did it anyway.....what made him come clean with this is that he got saved in December of 2005 and i always felt deep in my heart that he had cheated but couldn't prove it so one day we were riding along in the car and i asked him point blank "Have you ever cheated on me" this was after he got saved, well he told me NO i already told you that if i was gonna cheat on you i would divorce you first...well i guess he realized that he lied to me and 2 weeks later he sits me down and told me the truth..i have been so hurt by this torn apart, my heart feels like its been ripped outta my chest,this was a man whom i thought would indeed divorce me before he would hurt me but just to know that he did it just ripped my world apart...i want to stay because i love him .he has promised that it will NEVER happen again and that he has total remorse and shame for what he did...my questions is to any of you christians out there if you have ever went through this ,how did you over come it? How do you find trust again? thanks for anyone that will answer this its means alot to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shepherdsgrace Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 14 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 880 Content Per Day: 0.13 Reputation: 4 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/28/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted October 2, 2006 14 years ago? And now you cannot forgive him and let it go? And you were the one who browbeat it out of him? I think you need to realize that he has already shown you that you are the one important to him. Perhaps it would be good if you recounted to him all the good that has been between you in the last 14 years. Tell him about the good and how you love him and are grateful that all the other is in the past. Thank God for the man he is now. And renew your mind in I Corinthians 13. It seems to me that it is thanksgiving time not time to dig up the dead and buried past. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prodigalson123 Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 22 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 232 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 24 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/16/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/22/1965 Share Posted October 2, 2006 (edited) My husband revealed to me in Febuary this year that 14 yrs ago he had a one night stand with a girl he didn't know, at the time he was a sinner and a alcoholic he says that him and a buddie which was married also pick up a girl rode around with her and that he was begged to sleep with her by his friend as his friend did also,now he claims he was drunk which is no excuse! and that he did say no at first that he was married but they kept on and he did it anyway.....what made him come clean with this is that he got saved in December of 2005 and i always felt deep in my heart that he had cheated but couldn't prove it so one day we were riding along in the car and i asked him point blank "Have you ever cheated on me" this was after he got saved, well he told me NO i already told you that if i was gonna cheat on you i would divorce you first...well i guess he realized that he lied to me and 2 weeks later he sits me down and told me the truth..i have been so hurt by this torn apart, my heart feels like its been ripped outta my chest,this was a man whom i thought would indeed divorce me before he would hurt me but just to know that he did it just ripped my world apart...i want to stay because i love him .he has promised that it will NEVER happen again and that he has total remorse and shame for what he did...my questions is to any of you christians out there if you have ever went through this ,how did you over come it? How do you find trust again? thanks for anyone that will answer this its means alot to me hi dolphin, my wife was unfaithful to me, although it wasn't physical. She was unfaithful through e-mails and sharing intimate times with a man she worked with, but no sexual infidelity occured. But I can tell you that it was no differant then the feelings you are now experiencing. My first reaction was to leave her, but....that would mean that everytime that I made a mistake and did something wrong, unthinking, insensitive or worse that she should've left me. The idea of mercy, which is what as Christians we should be most concerned with, is that as an imperfect sinner I have done things worthy of condemnation, so when someone else falters, we can understand and empathise with them. This was EXCEEDINGLY hard for me to apply when I found the explicit e-mails from my wife to her friend, but when I was able to apply the fact that every time I sin, I injure Jesus, and he was not only able to forgive me, but was willing to go to the cross so that forgiveness would be afforded me, that smote me. What right do I have in accepting Christ's forgiveness, and then stand back and tell my wife I can't (or really won't) forgive her? That incident was 4 years ago, and we now have a better marriage beyond anything I could have hoped for during that dark night. I acknowledged that I wasn't a good husband, was more wrapped up in my selfish needs then in meeting hers, and asked the Lord to save my marriage. He answered my prayers, and her heart and trust has turned back to me. I'm not saying that the previous statements apply to you, I don't know if there were any contributary actions by you to his cheating, even if there wasn't, forgiveness is a decision. The hurt will go away, the trust can and will return. But only if you let them and you turn to God to help you. Edited October 2, 2006 by Prodigalson123 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dolphin39 Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 11 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/02/2006 Status: Offline Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 thank you Prodigalson123........to the other posters the reason why i posted it on a christian message board was to not get answers like you have given be quick to jump the gun so to speak....it is hard to forgive some one that has betrayed you ..i did not browbeat it out of him i just asked a simple question which he lied at first but then realized that he should tell me the truth yes it was 14 yrs ago when he did the unthinkable but it was just this past febuary when he told me about it now i don't know about you but 7-8 months of knowing is still fresh in my mind and heart and i can not just get over it.the hurt is still here i don't care if he did it 50 yrs ago the thing is he did it ! im learning to cope the best way i can i came on here asking if anyone has been through the same situation and how they handled it,not to get ridiculed(sp)........so posters that has been through the same let me here from you only! thanks once again Prodigalson123 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carrielles Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 12 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 255 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/09/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/29/1974 Share Posted October 2, 2006 There has been some great advice in this thread. I think that if you sat down and listed all the wonderful times and qualities about your hybb.y then look to scripture and see where God talks about LOVE covering a multitude of sins...he is a new man, One who loves you very much , loved you enough to tell you and never do it again. I say stick it out and let God purify you thru fire. This is an amazing opportunity to show God what kind of daughter you are, and be the kind of wife and person God wants you to be -regardles of what people have done in your life. Praise His name that He is there with you thru this time. I will pray fro yuor family. C Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bolts Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 50 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 963 Content Per Day: 0.14 Reputation: 4 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/27/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/10/1963 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Blessings to you Dolphin In Jesus Name The most important thing that may seam to be overlooked in this situation, is that HE is now a Christian. New babes in Christ take the word of God and run with it - with zeal and passion. The fact the he confessed something from 14 years ago, simply means that he wants to get himself right with the Lord so that he can spend eternity with you and your family. As a new christian, it is also very easy for him to fall away. My advice is that you be the bigger person in this situation and show him what a mature christian looks like. Doing this will inspire him and help him to realise what God means when he Says: you sins are forgiven. He's had to live with the guilt and disgust of his actions for 14 yrs. How about give the man a break and let him enjoy the peace and love that comes from forgiveness Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dolphin39 Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 11 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/02/2006 Status: Offline Author Share Posted October 2, 2006 what about me? its like to praise him for his actions so to speak, im the victim here and im getting treated like the villian.......i know he is a new man in christ i see his change but how could he have done something so wrong in the past to hurt me? he knows right from wrong drinking or not drinking its no excuse for what he done in his past....i guess im the bad person by not praising him for his wrong doing in the past....................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyRaven Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,981 Content Per Day: 0.30 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/20/1964 Share Posted October 2, 2006 My husband revealed to me in Febuary this year that 14 yrs ago he had a one night stand with a girl he didn't know, at the time he was a sinner and a alcoholic he says that him and a buddie which was married also pick up a girl rode around with her and that he was begged to sleep with her by his friend as his friend did also,now he claims he was drunk which is no excuse! and that he did say no at first that he was married but they kept on and he did it anyway.....what made him come clean with this is that he got saved in December of 2005 and i always felt deep in my heart that he had cheated but couldn't prove it so one day we were riding along in the car and i asked him point blank "Have you ever cheated on me" this was after he got saved, well he told me NO i already told you that if i was gonna cheat on you i would divorce you first...well i guess he realized that he lied to me and 2 weeks later he sits me down and told me the truth..i have been so hurt by this torn apart, my heart feels like its been ripped outta my chest,this was a man whom i thought would indeed divorce me before he would hurt me but just to know that he did it just ripped my world apart...i want to stay because i love him .he has promised that it will NEVER happen again and that he has total remorse and shame for what he did...my questions is to any of you christians out there if you have ever went through this ,how did you over come it? How do you find trust again? thanks for anyone that will answer this its means alot to me First off you need to determine whether you are hurt over the infidelity or his lack of honesty when confronted after he became a believer. If it's the infidelity you have to remember that yes it was wrong, and yes it does hurt, but unless you can prove that he's repeated this behaviour since then it most likely was a one time thing. The best predictor of future behaviour is the past and he's gone 14 yrs without doing it, he's got a 14 yr track record of being faithful. of course he doesn't have a 14 yr record of being honest and thats actually harder to get over because it's both newer and something he did after he became a christian. Or it would be for me. If this is causing a problem I would seek godly counsel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyRaven Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,981 Content Per Day: 0.30 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/20/1964 Share Posted October 2, 2006 what about me? its like to praise him for his actions so to speak, im the victim here and im getting treated like the villian.......i know he is a new man in christ i see his change but how could he have done something so wrong in the past to hurt me? he knows right from wrong drinking or not drinking its no excuse for what he done in his past....i guess im the bad person by not praising him for his wrong doing in the past....................... I do understand. And you probably feel cheated because you didn't have the time right after the incident to deal with it, which means that while he has felt bad for 14 yrs, you haven't had the "opportunity" to feel hurt for that long and you feel it's one sided to an extent. eventually you will need to forgive him, however you have to look at what you feel honestly and know that it is right that you feel betrayed and hurt, because that is what happened. You probably won't feel any closure about it unless he acknowledges to you in a way you "feel" is right that he was absolutely wrong and you have every right to not trust him and to feel betrayed. He will need to understand that while he's had to live 14 yrs with guilt and he just wants to beforgiven, he did not give you any choices as to what to do over that time and that you will need the time you were not given to learn to trust him again. if he can't understand that, the two of you do need counseling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sierra21 Posted October 2, 2006 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 160 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 2,000 Content Per Day: 0.31 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/07/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/30/1983 Share Posted October 2, 2006 Hi dolphin, first of all I want to say that I'm not married, but i have been cheated on in a very serious relationship in my past. He didn't actually have sex with the girl, but he kissed her, and had intentions of continuing a relationship. To this day, this is still the worst thing anyone has ever done to me. I did choose to break up with him because of a couple reasons- I was young and hard-headed. I was VERY angry at him for about a year. Any time I saw him I wanted to spit in his face because I was so hurt that he would give up all that we had for such stupidity. So this deep and pure hatred I had for him went on for a long time until I realized something- this anger over something that had happened a year and a half ago was consuming my life. I wasn't happy with myself, I refused to get involved in another relationship...in the end I realized I wasn't hurting HIM by being angry, I was hurting MYSELF. So that day I decided to forgive him. It was a tearful conversation in which we both cried...still makes me sad when I think about it. But that's how it went. We are still friends even though I know that I could never truly look at him the same way. What I learned from all of this was how important the gift of forgiveness is- not only to your friend/lover/husband but also to yourself. Now I realize that your situation is so much more complex than mine was- but I recognize that deep feeling of betrayal and hurt that consumes your heart. And I feel so awful for you. This wasn't your fault- but the conclusion of this experience lies in your hands. Pretty powerful huh? This is not something that you should be going through alone, so if you feel uncomfortable talking to your husband about it seek advice from a certified counselour or psychologist. Once you have figured out how you truly feel about the situation and know whether or not you want to stay with your husband- it's time for the two of you to have an honest- heart to heart- about what you've been feeling and where you want everything to go. And take into consideration his ideas as well- just because he made a mistake does not mean that he loves you any less, or that he did not want to be with you...sometimes people just make poor choices. I'm praying for you. sierra Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts