Totally confused: whats going on with me?

[Aleksander]

Hi everyone. Well, I am here cause I am totally confused about whats going on with me....

I dont know where to start... I guess I'll begin with the, hm, struggle, I have with a few particular sins that just refuse to go away. Its like a constant tag of war with porn and a couple of particular video games that I cant seem to uninstall off my computer for good. Its not that I have this addiction to the said websites. More like, I stumble, feel sorry about it, run to God and confess it. Then, some time later, BAM, same thing happens again. And the games... I had that game since like 2002 and it seems to always find its way to my computer, again and again... maybe I should just get a hammer and smash the disk right now, to avoid further pain. I suppose I brought this all upon myself though when I dont listen when God is telling me to take care of those two things.

That not all of my headaches though. It gets "better" . I've caught myself on the thought that I dont pray as often as I used to. I still read the Bible and pray, but not as often as I normally do, or did. Its like I am slipping in my walk with God, but it happens so slowly, that I dont seem to notice the change untill it becomes very obvious. And this too, I suppose, I brought upon myself when I dont set aside enough time each day to spend with God.

As if that wasnt enough... I am in a WORSED financial rot I've ever been. I dont want to go into details much, but lets just say I lost my job in January this year, and at the begining of July I finally found a new job... a commission based one. Turns out, I am not even cut out for it, seeing how I did not make a single penny so far. Since January, I managed to get into over eighteen hundred dollars in credit card debt, and a couple of hunded dollars more in other bills(I know it sounds so small compared to tens of thousands that some people have, but its a lot for me). All this, and I have but a dollar or two in a bank account. The car that I am currently driving is in need of some repairs and that will cost me, on estimate, at least 150 dollars...

Again, 150 dollars doens sound like much. But given that the last paycheck I got was back in January...

Now, I realize that all this complaining makes me sound like an ungratefull little brat. After all, I am still alive, I am still in Gods family, I have roof over my head and food on the table(courtesy of my parents). But I dont understand whats going on with me, so I had to share it with someone.

All in all, I am sitting here pondering what kind of sins I got myself into that got me into this nightmare. It feels like I am one more problem away from depression. I am ashamed to admit it, but the thoughts of suicide have been showing up and staying longer than I want them to. Yes, I know better than to listen to them. And yes, I am fully aware that its not a way out and that suicide hold a price that, frankly, I am not willing to pay. And I get really worked up and wanting to punch satan in a face when these thoughts come. Such patheticly predictable sleezy underhanded tactics make me sick, I wish I could rip him into pieces everytime the snake comes knocking.

And yes, I do realize I have a lot to be thankfull for. Mainly turning 25 today(happy bithday to me, ). And I know that God deserves glory regardless of my situation... What I dont understand though is whats going on with me?

[Matthitjah]

Grace to you,

I'm guessing that you don't know much about children.

I have three and at some point these kids stand up, then they begin to totter around, and soon they walk. Around this time you may have a desire to try and protect them from everything, however this will lead to you stunting their efforts and stopping their progression. So you stay at arms length and watch them kind of carefully while they make mistakes.

Then one da they get a little more mature and you let them go out into the backyard. Sometimes they climb 30 foot pine tree's and get stuck. Then you go and get them down with the ladder. However never letting them climb that tree in the first place will make them soft and weak and quite likely fearful.

Then one day they start to become pre-teens and get a mind of their own. They say hurtful things yet at times they write little notes of affection that melt your heart. Their becoming little people and developing charecter. Sometimes they are downright wrong and evil and you have to correct them. Sometimes they are just being who they are. Still and all you never stop Loving them, you never stop covering them, and your always close by to encourage, correct, and hug them when they scratch their knee.

Sometimes God feels like He is far away, but He has never left you and is usually at arms length. He's simply watching you mature and convicting you so that your legs will grow strong.

The funny thing about kids is that, as I understand it from my Dad, one day they come back to you when their terribly in need and you get to hold your tiny little miracle again and tell them everythings going to be allright while stroking their brow and helping them out. They will come back and make you proud.

It's just that sometimes as they mature they forget how much they really need you. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder. Somtimes as your legs grow stronger and you begin to run you find yourself where you think your really far ahead and you look back and don't see Daddy. Thats when you find out your really just a child and never too old for Dads Love.

Peace,

Dave

[Guest ~zoe-girl~]

I will keep you in prayer as this hits home with a few folks that I know and I see the struggles they go through~

[Guest]

Happy Birthday!

[chicagoburbite]

I feel your frustration. I have a question, you mentioned reading the bible and praying, are you involved at a local church? One of the best ways to combat sin is with help and accountability with other believers. God wants us to be in community with other Christ-followers!!! And not just hanging out, eating donuts... actually communing in prayer and open conversation. You need to put a plan into action. If left alone, you'll always return back to your old ways.

Proverbs 26:11 Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.

[victory777]

Grace to you,

I'm guessing that you don't know much about children.

I have three and at some point these kids stand up, then they begin to totter around, and soon they walk. Around this time you may have a desire to try and protect them from everything, however this will lead to you stunting their efforts and stopping their progression. So you stay at arms length and watch them kind of carefully while they make mistakes.

Then one da they get a little more mature and you let them go out into the backyard. Sometimes they climb 30 foot pine tree's and get stuck. Then you go and get them down with the ladder. However never letting them climb that tree in the first place will make them soft and weak and quite likely fearful.

Then one day they start to become pre-teens and get a mind of their own. They say hurtful things yet at times they write little notes of affection that melt your heart. Their becoming little people and developing charecter. Sometimes they are downright wrong and evil and you have to correct them. Sometimes they are just being who they are. Still and all you never stop Loving them, you never stop covering them, and your always close by to encourage, correct, and hug them when they scratch their knee.

Sometimes God feels like He is far away, but He has never left you and is usually at arms length. He's simply watching you mature and convicting you so that your legs will grow strong.

The funny thing about kids is that, as I understand it from my Dad. one day they come back to you whe their terribly in need and you get to hold your tiny little miracle again and tell them everythings going to be allright while stroking their brow and helping them out. They will come back and make you proud.

It's just that sometimes as they mature they forget how much they really need you. Abscence makes the heart grow fonder. Somtimes as your legs grow stronger and you begin to run you find yourself where you think your really far ahead and you look back and don't see Daddy. Thats when you find out your really just a child and never too old for Dads Love.

Peace,

Dave

iagree with you what youv shared is beautiful

[Rick-Parker]

You are not alone. We all struggle with willful sin. The trick is not to give into your earthly desires. First thing you need to do is to destroy the discs that contain the "game" you can't resist. Secondly, you need to confront the demons that are tormenting you with porno. The only way to do that is on your knees in front of the Lord. You must put on the "full armor of God" as described in Ephesians 6:10-17 (NIV) ...Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

I used to have the same problems are you describe and the only way I was, and still am, able to resist is to consciously tell myself that it is a willful sin and that I'm simply am not going to do it. Than go to the Lord and ask him to immediately take away the thoughts and desires you are experiencing. God will help you right then, but you must understand that a relationship with God is a participatory relationship. You have to make the effort. God won't do it all for you. He promises that if we "walk in My statutes and keep My commandments, and perform them" then He will bless us (Leviticus 26:3-13 NKJV). But if we "do not obey Me, and do not observe all these commandments..... I will.... appoint terror over you....." Leviticus 26:14-39 NKJV)

God has reinforced His promises of blessings on obedience and curses on disobedience in Deuteronomy 28. You can rely on these promises. God always does what he says.

You will be in my prayers. God bless.

Rick

[Guest]

[Aleksander]

Happy Birthday!

Thank you.

I feel your frustration. I have a question, you mentioned reading the bible and praying, are you involved at a local church? One of the best ways to combat sin is with help and accountability with other believers. God wants us to be in community with other Christ-followers!!! And not just hanging out, eating donuts... actually communing in prayer and open conversation. You need to put a plan into action. If left alone, you'll always return back to your old ways.

Proverbs 26:11 Like a dog that returns to its vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.

Yes, I am. I am in a worship group since March this year. And I try and attend every Wendnesday when we have Bible study. Thats about it though. On that note, I am not even sure where I get the audacity to go on stage tomorrow and sing with the group... God forgive me for this.

I just wish this all would stop. Or at least the financial side of this would heal. I've been through things before, and, by His grace alone, I got out of them. But now, its like, almost the same thing all over again, but this time the money nightmare is added to the mix... I am really drained right now. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I remember reading Job, chapter 10 in particular, and thinking "How can he wish for death when he knows God?" Now, I am almost ready to sign my name under everything that Job said in that chapter... Again, I know that what I am going through is cake compared to what other have to face and deal with... but reminding myself of that doesnt help much. It only adds to the guilt and shame.

[chicagoburbite]

Yes, I am. I am in a worship group since March this year. And I try and attend every Wendnesday when we have Bible study.

Aleks... I don't just mean go and attend a group. I mean get involved in a group where you could share your struggles. Bring them out of the dark, into the open through speaking it outloud to these men. Then have one or two of the men become your accountability partner. This will be a person (or persons) that you will open up to and be honest with. They will be bold enough to ask you what you're doing to combat the sin and to check in with you on a daily basis (if necessary).

Make sure you attend a church that provides men's groups like this. (it's been the most important thing for my husband EVER in combatting his area of sin).