I really blew it!

[stilllearnin']

Hi, I am a first time user of worthy boards. I appreciate the advice given on this forum.

Here's my problem: After being a widow for nearly 6 years I married a Christian man on January 31st. I was 44 and he is 37. I have a 13 year-old son and a 16 year-old daughter. He had never been married and has no children.

After a few weeks of marriage we were both pretty unhappy a lot of the time.

It seemed to me that he was trying to change everything about us, and it seemed to him that I was resisiting everything he was trying to do. ( I was!) HIs changes were really all for the better, but since I am change averse, I was bucking the system, or him I should say.

My kids and I are very laid back and do nothing in a hurry, my poor husband does everything fast. So we struggled , still do on occasion, but nothing like at first.

Any way I really blew it by telling some of my friends at Bible study that I was very unhappy, then told them about our arguments, and how terrible he was.

Next thing I know they are telling me that I should get an annulment, or at least separate for awhile until he realizes that he needs to change his attitude about a lot of things.

One of my most soft-spoken friends even wrote me a note and said she felt I was pulling away from God because of my relationship with my husband. I may have been for awhile, but that was when I was blaming my husband for everything, and was not willing to take on any of the blame myself. Through doing some reading, I have discovered that I need to change too.

My question is how do I convince my friends that my husband is not the awful man they think he is? I am afraid that the more I protest the guiltier he sounds.

They are also suspicious of him because I have money, not tons, but a steady income resulting from a settlement because of my first husband's death. My current husband is bi-polar and is on SS disability. I see him as a godly man who is not trying to take advantage of me, but everyone else seems to think he is.

Help!

Thank you

[barracuda]

I would imagine that since your friends are basing their opinions on your words, then a way to convince them otherwise would be to change your words around them. Is the glass half empty or half full?

Based on the limited information we have here, your friends are only looking out for what's in your best interest.

With that said, you have repeated the negative about your husband here. Why is that? Did you marry him for the negatives, or have you already forgotten the reasons why you fell in love with him and married him in the first place?

You didn't mention the length of your engagement/getting to know you period prior to marriage. Isn't the purpose of dating/engagement to discover anything you might not be able to handle once you have tied the knot. And being that this is your 2nd marriage I am assuming that you would be more atune in looking for the bad signs in a potential spouse.

And I am guessing here that you did not live together prior to marriage, which would mean that there is always an adjustment for each new couple. And having two teenagers thrown into the mix makes things that much more difficult to adjust too.

A solution to your "I don't want to change" issue would be for you and your new husband to find common ground. You shouldn't have to totally change to please him, but he should at least be meeting you half way on a lot of things. And being that there are three of you against him, the onus is on your new husband to come into your family an adapt to the way you have been doing things all along. It's one thing to adapt to each other in marriage. It's another thing to try and change a 16 year old when they have been living a certain way all their lives.

But back to the original question. Changing your friends opinion of your husband is as easy as monitoring what you share with them when you meet. It's the same thing with the news media. What we think about something is based purely on the information that has been provided to us. If they think we are losing the war in Iraq then we will probably think that as well. If they say we are winning it, then we probably will as well.

Good luck sorting through all of this. Try not to make problems where they don't necessarily exist.

[Guest ReflectionsofHim]

I think first....

:hug:

...that you just needed a good hug for starters!!!

Pray! Ask God to step in and take over and heal the situation with the others...and then just give it time. I know that sounds awfully silly and maybe even like lazy advice, but seriously? Sometimes when we try to fix a situation it just gets worse. I'm not one for giving out lots of advice, but when I do, I try to just encourage the person to remember Who is in charge and that our Lord God is in the solution business! Take it to the foot of the cross and leave it there for our Daddy to do what He does best!!!

I would like to suggest a book for you, too, though.

"The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omaritian. Several of her books can be found at the library and I do think I remember seeing that one on the shelves at my local public library a few weeks ago so if they do have it you won't even have to buy it!

I just wanted you to know that I care and that I'm praying for you. Our Lord God has your family in His Hands...trust in that and let Him handle the rest involved. There may be other things you can do, or not do, but I think giving it all over to Dad is the best place to start.

Love to you through our Jesus,

Reflections aka Ref

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

And...WELCOME!!!! Nice to have you here indeedy!!!!

[stilllearnin']

thank you, Barracuda, and Ref,

Sorry I did leave some information out, I was afraid of being too wordy.

I am trying to be acceptable to change, and have more of a servant's heart toward my husband.

At first I blamed him for everything, but now I know I am at fault too.

We did not live together before marriage, we knew each other over a year before we started dating, then dated for four months, we had set our wedding date for June 12th, but got married sooner because we were afraid we would sleep together before we got married if we waited until then. (That sounds pretty bad).

Yes, I agree I need to only say positive things about my husband in front of my friends, I learned that from my first marriage, but didn't apply it here this time around, I certainly will in the future.

Thanks for the Ref I can always use those!

stilllearnin'

[Guest LadyC]

just my two cents... suddenly changing your attitude and gushing all the positive qualities of your husband will likely ring false to your friends. i think a better way to handle this with them would be a direct and honest approach.

for example:

hey suzy, sally, sarah, and sandy, i have a confession to make. i was feeling quite cramped in my lifestyle by the expectations of my new marriage, and i wasn't demonstrating the qualities of a Godly wife. i spoke out of bounds, discussing my personal situation and my grievances with you all. marriage is a big undertaking that requires a great deal of giving, and i was not living up to my end of the bargain. but i've been in prayer, and have made a decision that i'm going to try and be the kind of wife God expects me to be, and cherish and honor my husband. he and i have some issues to work through, and i am asking you all to lift us up in prayer. i'm also going to have to ask that if i begin speaking negatively about my husband again, that you will take me aside and remind me of my commitment to honor my husband by not complaining openly.

by handling this in such a manner, you will be setting a good example of how they should also conduct themselves. God doesn't want us to gossip, and when you discuss your marital problems among your friends without your husband there to defend himself, you're giving ample fodder for gossip.

there's a great pair of books by gary smalley, by the way... the wife's book is called "for better, for best", and the husband's book is "if only he knew" (i think).

[stilllearnin']

Wow! LadyC, What excellent advice!

I will do that the next chance I get. I'd been trying to say something like that. but couldn't quite get the right words together.

I really appreciate that not only is everything the truth and not a phony put on, but it also sets a good example for them.

Thank you for carrying enough to give me good godly advice.

God is good...all the time, and I am..stilllearnin'

[Guest LadyC]

Wow! LadyC, What excellent advice!

I will do that the next chance I get. I'd been trying to say something like that. but couldn't quite get the right words together.

I really appreciate that not only is everything the truth and not a phony put on, but it also sets a good example for them.

Thank you for carrying enough to give me good godly advice.

God is good...all the time, and I am..stilllearnin'

your welcome. do i dare say this advice comes from personal experience? well, kinda sorta. :x:

[Leonard]

Just my 2 cents worth (couldn't find that funny C with the line through it for 'cents'): It sounds like you're in a women's Bible study. That is a place Christian women go to trash their husbands. It seems to be a favorite activity of almost all Christian women, and that is most unfortunate. Ladies, your words are

POWERFUL!!!

[stilllearnin']

OUch Leonard, sounds like you have been burned. I am ashamed to say that I am the only one who ever 'burned' my husband in our Bible study. I guess that says a lot for the other 3 or 4 ladies, just not much for me.

[Guest LadyC]

Just my 2 cents worth (couldn't find that funny C with the line through it for 'cents'): It sounds like you're in a women's Bible study. That is a place Christian women go to trash their husbands. It seems to be a favorite activity of almost all Christian women, and that is most unfortunate. Ladies, your words are

POWERFUL!!!

i think that is an awfully presumptious stereotype.