Teen dating???? Help.

[Guest HIS girl]

UGH! Blah!!!

He doesn't even fit the first criteria. Her intended would have to be at least 16.5 hands high. She's a tall girl. She needs a tall guy to compliment her.

Yes, I prefer the horse as well!!!!

[speckles]

I definitely agree about being cautious with kids and dating, particularly in the early high school years. I was more curious about dating being bad for people even of a "marrying age." Courting seems a terribly serious endeavor, and given that some of the best people I know I've met incidentally, doesn't really play into the whole asking-someone-out-for-coffee bit that I think is really healthy. And I mean...I'll get married one day, but I have years of grad school and some exploring to do before that. I think if I didn't date, I'd get pretty bored in the meantime.

You don't have to date to go out for coffee or anything. From what i understand courting is about finding someone from amongst people you already know well. You kinda have to get to know them somehow or you would never be able to court in the first place. There is nothing wrong with having many many friends, even some who are of the opposite sex.

I'll have to go on a dig, Raven did something a while back about the Christian response to finding a mate, I'll have to find it. I don't think that she has to be correct about the absence of affection once you start courting, but I did agree with the foundation of her argument. Lemme see if I can find it.

[speckles]

His wife left him, and even though that's acceptable in certain liberal churches; it is not in most conservative churches. Personally, I think it should be on a case by case basis, but that's for a different discussion. Also, even if he could retain his pastorship, he needed to take time away from the ministry to heal. He wants to get back into some type of limited ministry after we get married, and to hear him talk, I know he misses it. We have agreed to allow God to lead us in His direction.

He could get into Hospice ministry. I don't know how well they pay where you are but here it's ok, but ...

I had a friend who was a pastor, the church he pastored could no longer afford him, so he started hospice. He left the church to go into this full time, he felt like this was the most important work he'd ever participated in.

I don't think they have a requirement that the ministers be affiliated with a certain church, *just now*, but that they have a license or something though is good.

[LadyRaven]

I'll give you some and some practical applications as I see it. I see these ideas as principles not laws in as much as I've made application of some things, the verses themselves of course are God's Word and should be regarded accordingly.

John 2:15: Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world

The world is the system which is of the flesh, run by Satan and excepted and blessed by the primary culture of our society. It is that which breaks the commandments and leads us away from God. In another verse we are told to not be "of the world."

This does not mean that we have to run from every expression of our culture and that everything out there in the world is a sin. Being of the world means being entangled with that culture to the point that it compromises your faith and leaves you no different than everyone else. You are set in a mould, conforming without any thought. You avoid being "of the world" by following the advice of scripture and not "loving" that system.

Not everything which exists out there in our culture is evil on the face of it. We should not feel we need to be hermits, but at the same time we need to not necessarily take up the habits of the primary culture just because it's "the way things are done." It might not be scripturally correct...and if we entangle ourselves in it then we run the risk of loving the things of the world or becoming one with it. In other words we should always be questioning if this or that thing is something which ties myself to the world system, the primary culture or to sin.

How we find a mate is no different. The current way the primary culture seeks a mate is IMO "of the world" or "worldly" by definition. It's about being selfish, it's about being sexual, it's about focusing on the relationship and not our families or God and about throwing away that which somehow does not satisfy us. That is not the correct focus for a believer and IMO also sets forth a dangerous pattern for future behaviour after we are married (the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour).

And just for the record, I don't mean that the act of driving to a girls house, picking her up and taking her to dinner is sinful. I'm not a "taste not, handle not" legalistic type. I'm not about dictating the action as much as conforming the mind and heart to fit with scriptural principles. The focus of many people who take a woman to dinner is what counts...

Matt. 19:4-5: And he answered them and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Since marriage is God's answer to the sexual urges and desires natural to being human, and there has to be a selection process which occurs in order to marry...that selection process is also part of the "doctrine of marriage" just as much as marriage itself is. What significance is this? Well there are several things I see here.

1. It's a man and not a boy. Age isn't as relevant as maturity IMO, but the principle is that this person is a "man" and thus mature enough to have a wife before he gets one. The man is to be grown up before he gets a wife not grow up because he has one. I would also believe that a woman is to be mature before she is chosen, not become so after marriage.

2. You leave your parents: This to me indicates the presence of parents in the life of the man and woman before they are married, whether they live with you or not.

3. The man is addressed: This does not mean that the woman is alone and not guided by this verse, it means that the man has to understand it because HE is the focus. Why? I believe it is because he's the covenant and federal head of any future marriage and thus HE is the one who is to be constructing said marriage from the beginning. HE is the one "seeking" and she is the one who is found.

4. The purpose of "dating" or "courting" is to eventually become one with someone else, not to have a good time or to not be lonely or...whatever. This isn't about finding a golfing buddy or a lover, this is about finding a mate.

Rom 13:14: "But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof."

Since lust functions differently for different people I'm not gonna say this that or the other don't do. But whatever inflames either of you should be avoided to the point that you plan your activities so as to make them not even an option.

Romans 2:10: Be devoted to one another and give preference to one another in honour

Love does not mean doing what someone else wants, it means seeking the best for the other person. One thing which is best for the other person is spiritual, emotional and physical purity.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15 (14) Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? (15) Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?

Obviously the person that you want to marry must be a believer, so...don't take any steps which would end up making an unbeliever a likely candidate for marriage (like dating/courting behaviour or making them a close confidante which could lead to emotional ties which could lead to romantic feelings).

Another version of scripture says: Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

I also believe that if we look at the imagery used we can come to some other practical conclusions here. The imagery is that of two oxen ploughing a field. Being unevenly yoked indicated the use of one really strong one and one really weak one. While I'm not going to make rules on this above and beyond what scripture says, I believe that practical applications can be made. For one, you don't want someone who is a whole lot older or younger than you spiritually. This goes directly to the image presented. There are many others if you think about it. But I'll go into my own applications later.

Prov 6:27-28: Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? Can one go on hot coals, and his feet not be burned?

Eph 4:22/Gal 5:19 and various other verses teach us that our natures are corrupted and even after we have been regenerate are prone to sin. When dealing with the opposite sex we should keep this in mind and question EVERYTHING we do. Is this going to lead me to sin, or is this desire/action already a sin? Doing things which deliberate excite the other member of this equation is leading this person to sin and at the same time sinning yourself. You're not seeking the greater good of the other person and putting the two of you in danger. this doesn't legally obligate you to a chaperone, but at the same time, it should keep you out of dark rooms...

Prov. 18:22: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.

This verse teaches that marriage is a good thing and there has to be some sort of selection process. However, it must take into account the verses already presented. Thus the selection process is not about sexual attraction, it's about other factors.

Deut 7:3: Neither shalt thou make marriages with them (that is, the nations); thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son.

I don't see anything in the NT to put this principle aside, the parents are supposed to be involved. There is a verse in the NT which indicates that a widow is free to remarry "in the Lord" and gives no indication that her parents must be involved again, but for never before marrieds, I don't see any reason scripturally to justify leaving parents OUT of the selection process for finding a mate. These people are the covenant heads of the home until a new home is created by leaving the parents and cleaving to the spouse. Our culture does practice dating without parental oversight, but scripture does not back this practice up in the least.

Also of Note: Joseph sought to divorce Mary before they were even married. Why is that? Because biblically, a betrothal/engagement is a private contract between the couple agreeing to a lifelong partnership. The marriage is the public expression of that contract at a later date. Thus...you should not become engaged until you are ready for the commitment. The engagement is just as much a commitment as the marriage, it isn't a "trial run." You make sure to select a worthy spouse and know that this is right before you bring a ring into the picture.

***

My own insights based on what I've found:

1. If I'm looking or if I were a man looking, I would not be seeking casual, serial sexually charged relationships. In light of the above verses, they are of no spiritual good.

Finding a mate is not a casual thing, and it should not be treated as such. It's a serious lifelong commitment you are looking for so you should keep this in mind when you are looking. The idea isn't to "try on" as many shoes as you can before you purchase a pair, the idea is to search to find a shoe that fits the first time around. Granted people are human and sometimes things happen which indicate the need to separate before you make the final commitment, however this is not something you seek. And the idea isn't to remain sexually intrigued. Scripture indicated we're to do our darnedest to avoid being sexually intrigued. We're supposed to avoid being titillated and burning with desire at all costs. This doesn't mean we should seek a person who repulses us, but sexual attraction is NOT the focus of finding a mate.

2. When I look at the imagery of the yoking of oxen used in scripture I also see more parallels than just avoiding marriage to an unbeliever. I'm going to choose a kindred spirit, so to speak. I don't want to be in a situation where we're both instinctively pulling in opposing directions. Thus if I have a calling or talents I'm to use, I'm going to only consider the courtship advances of men who would be apt to protect and cultivate these and not suppress them either by direct action or by simply guiding the family away from them.

3. I'm going to look for someone who is of good character and faith. How does this person treat his or her parents and family? How does this person act around their friends? Is their doctrine sound and their walk with God strong? Are they responsible? How long have I actually watched this person? Taking notes for the first two weeks, honestly is not enough. I'm going to choose from people I already know well when they aren't trying to impress me. This way I see them for what they really are not for what they want me to think they are.

4. There's nothing wrong with being practical. If you know yourself well and you know what you need, you shouldn't settle for something you know will leave you miserable. If you are the type to be very dependent on the people you are close to, how smart is it to marry a over the road truck driver? If you don't want children or would not make a good parent, it's not smart to marry someone who already has them or who wants to have a dozen of them is it?

5. Know the difference between things you prefer and things which you require. Having a preference for the way a person appears or the way the dress or act is fine but most of these things are things which are not necessities. If you base your selection of a spouse based on, say their looks, then you will be disappointed if their weight changes or they gain or lose body hair or decide to change their style of dress. Making sure that the two of you share ALL of your interests in common and ect is not practical, shoot for something more reasonable such as having one or two very dear interests or perhaps having a good majority rather than ALL of them.

6. If you end up for one reason or another NOT marrying the person you have taken to a movie then she or he is not yours, he or she belongs to someone else. Thus you treat this person like a brother or sister in the Lord and not like a sex object. You do not treat them differently than you would your "real" brother or sister until you know for sure that this is the one. Because they may not be "the one" and how are you supposed to treat another man's wife or another woman's husband?

7. Since the point of pairing off is to find a spouse and not an activity partner, you don't pair off until you are ready to be a spouse. This means what it sounds like. If you are emotionally immature, don't date/court. If you are not old enough to marry don't date/court. If you have too much baggage emotionally don't date/court. If you are in debt up to your eyeballs, is this a state which makes you a fit spouse? If you're not right with God, if you are in a major life transition, etc then don't pair off until these things are taken care of.

This is probably more than you asked for, but now you have my two cents.

[mary ann]

Looking for some advice concerning age appropriate dating for teens.

I think my 15 yearold son has a girlfriend.

I know nothing about her and personally I think 15 is way too young to have a gf.

BUT I don't want him sneaking off and doing anything silly behind my back.

Do you think 15 is ok to go to the movies with the opposite sex WITHOUT other friends?

I was brought up quite strict and had very limited contact with boys outside of school hours.

I don't want to be that strict.

Thoughts please.

Hi there have a 16 yr old daughter and she went on a date but with another friend and her friend I would not allow the two of them to go alone He need to be grounded more solidly in Gds word and at age 15 he still has lots to learn like all of us! mary ann

[~Julia~]

Looking for some advice concerning age appropriate dating for teens.

I think my 15 yearold son has a girlfriend.

I know nothing about her and personally I think 15 is way too young to have a gf.

BUT I don't want him sneaking off and doing anything silly behind my back.

Do you think 15 is ok to go to the movies with the opposite sex WITHOUT other friends?

I was brought up quite strict and had very limited contact with boys outside of school hours.

I don't want to be that strict.

My daughter just turned 18 so this subject is in my playgrounds...lol.

Allow him to date with friends & make sure you meet the girlfriends first. Stand your ground NOW or you may regret it later. They'll only push you further and further so set your boundries.

Thoughts please.

[Guest Biblicist]

I heard this recently, not sure where, probably here, who knows!

You should be so deep in the Lord that they have to go through HIM to get to you.

[Guest HIS girl]

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

I appreciate it!