PLEASE READ ENTIRE POST BEFORE ANSWERING BECAUSE IF YOU DONT NONE OF THIS WILL MAKE SENSE
So I had a thought in April.... (more than just a thought... a dire experiential timeframe of things) that led me to think I’m a reprobate. The following are very raw words so they might not make sense completely to you, because they are journal entries, as I’m reflecting on this deep DEEP issue with God. I got a journal that has bible entries in it that are helping me to reflect and describe what this “reprobate feeling” so I ask for help
Ok. If you don’t know .... So I’m the guy who deals with am I a reprobate or not. It’s chaotic. I’ve done some reflective prayer with God and ask believers for help. This is a prayer reflection I posted on Facebook ” Day 2 of my reflection personal retreat. For my benefit and for others.... Today in my book, I am reading about God's word. When we read God's word, how do our heart's feel while reading it? A very complex question to answer, indeed, as our hearts our very deep and complicated, as is God's most HOLY word... But how we feel when we listen to OTHERS can be indicative of how we are listening to God's word. What brings your heart peace? I was deeply contemplating on this, this morning. I was visualizing my heart. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. So as I was visualizing my heart, and praying, I pictured a divided heart. Almost like when you go to the mall and see the two escalators next to each other. Right along each other, BUT one going up and ONE going DOWN. As I continued talking with Abba Father, I said, "So what is the problem?" He told me that "When your doubting, when you're not completely present, your heart is not whole. It is like an escalator, one part going one way, and one part, another way." And that was A HUGE MOMENT FOR ME! Whenever we feel our hearts aren't right, we need to focus on making them whole... whole in relation to God and others, but we have to do this. With God's grace of course. So for me, I simply try to picture my heart, and feel the movements... (this is work and effort. We are not asking God to do it like a genie) ... and feel God's presence there. And I am being real with God and acknowledge that he is there with me in my heart, this is the way my heart feels. When I am in Him. I feel this.... a lightness of heart in me... it's a movement of Him in my heart. And in my own life I need to work on not just having this presence of His in my heart when I'm praying to Him, but also in the daily routine of life. My prayer: May I spend more quiet time with You, asking You... "God, when do I feel most at peace with you? And when I am not feeling Your peace, what are the movements of my heart?" Dear God, let Your presence be in my heart. By Your grace, let me not only feel Your presence when I'm in prayer alone with You, but through my life, day and night, throughout all the daily routines and motions of this life. God bless.”
Ten minutes later after googling this i find an article that says ‘don’t trust the peace in your heart’, and then doubt invades my heart, rushes to my head, and I start thinking God wants me to kill my self. (Because I’m a reprobate maybe) I want to live, and frustrated. It’s like I want peace but this issue is irreversible. I feel like sin is a separate issue, think I’m reprobate again.
Then i flee to reassurance seeking. At a bare minimum atleast I know what I’m going through .
Faced with two decisions, fake the “peace” heart feeling or suicide
asking mature believers for input