Warning: this will be a long read
I’ve never not been in church. My mother was saved when I was 8 months old and I have been in church since then (I’m 26 now).
My church is not like most. Hell was preached about at almost every service when I was a kid. Women wore skirts below their knees, didn’t cut their hair, and wore no makeup or jewelry.
My Sunday school teachers taught that one was going to hell if they didn’t pray for salvation. I have always been terrified of hell so at 7 I prayed for salvation. My church believes that one who is saved should then pray for the Holy Ghost. I did that a little while later and thought I prayed in tongues.
At 9, I did something to a kid at school and felt guilty. I told my mom that night at service that I wanted to pray for salvation. I felt guilty and was convinced I was going to hell. Salvation was the answer, I thought. My mom warned me not to pray if I didn’t mean it but I was confused. So I prayed for salvation again and that was that.
At 13, I cursed for the first time. I was being bullied for my clothes, which my mother made me wear, and just wanted to fit in at school. I had no friends and wanted to fit in to make some. By 16, I was cursing fairly regularly outside of my house. By 17, I was addicted to porn and masturbation. I kept it a secret of course. When I lost my virginity at 17, the day after I felt so convinced I was going to hell it was unbearable. I went to service that night and prayed for forgiveness till I cried.
In college, I joined a Christian club but was not that regular of a member. I would go on to have sex 3 more times till I stopped that sort of contact with men for good in 2015. I would go to my club meetings for a time, stop, then go back. In those 4 years I still was cursing, and struggled with my addiction to porn and masturbation. It was odd at the club for me: everyone seemed to happy while I didn’t seem to fit in. My good friend found god and became a great campus minister while I watched her grow and couldn’t understand how she seemed to be better Christian than me. After college, I moved back home. I went to church with my mother again and thought I was doing good. Oh I still cursed from time to time, still struggled with porn and masturbation. But I was saved, I thought. I even got baptized in 2017 because I thought it was the right thing to do.
Last year, at 25, I moved to a different city for graduate school. I was cursing, and still addicted. I didn’t know where to go to church in my new city and ended up going nowhere. I drank occasional and went out clubbing a handful of times. Last October, I fell into depression and anxiety. I felt so lost. At the beginning of this year I thought I was doing better but my anxiety and depression got worse in February. In April, at the recommendation of my mother, I listened to an online service and felt moved to tears. I prayed for the first time in a long time.
Then at the end of June, I started seeing that people thought the rapture was going to happen soon. Suddenly, my whole world froze. I was going to hell. I had sinned to much in the last year I had to be going to hell with the path I was on. I fell on my face and cried out for repentance on July 4th. I felt better. But over the course of July something odd happened. I started realizing the enormity of all my sins. I had gotten a tattoo a year ago. I lied, held unforgivness in my heart, gossiped, watched porn, masturbated, cursed...I was horrified. Then I realized I never really prayed outside of church my whole life and had never read the Bible on my own free will. What kind of self professed Christian didn’t even read their bible? Didn’t pray?
I used to say a quick prayer for forgiveness when I would watch porn but one day it occurred to me that God might not keep forgiving for forever. I recalled something about 7x70 and stopped asking. But those were quick, fast prayers. When had I ever repented of ALL of my sins? Never, I realized. Then I saw a video on Hebrews 6:4-8 and romans 1:27-29. Am I an apsostate? Do I have a reprobate mind? Then I realized I had always feared hell but did I even love Jesus and God? I have always not to go to hell or be left behind in the rapture. I feared God and felt like I had to do things to not make him send me to the bad place. But did I always feel out of place because I didn’t understand the love everyone around me said they felt for God and Jesus?
I prayed for salvation at church two weeks ago and have periods where I feel peace. But I am still horrified and terrified that I have sinned too much to be forgiven. I heard about what were sins all my life. Is it too late for me to seek Jesus’ love? Have I truly sinned too much?
I talked to a friend who was raised in the same church who has fallen into sin for years. I've come to realize she is of a true reprobate mind and is an apostate. She says she doesn't fear hell but is going there and doesn't care. She doens't believe in God anymore and says she hasn't felt sorry for her sins in years. She feels that God has turned his back on her. But even with that stark example in front of me, the Hebrews 10:26 starts up a whole new round of fears.
I just don't know what to do at this point.
