I asked God to help me with my bone disease and he didnt help me but allowed things to desperately deteriorate. Now I am on the verge of asking for assisted suicide because I Cannot stand the pain anymore. It was when I trusted and hoped for help the most and prayed, when I had Turned toward the study of Christianity, that I got punished the most mercilessly. At this point I lay in Bed with a bone disease and Tinnitus, half crippled at 30 years old, mistreated and misguidrd, punished for my trust and faith, crying out in anguish most of the day. It was at this time that I was at my most unlucky andvthat I made the worst possibly deadly decisions. And yet I keep hoping there may be a God. It is almost pure despair. Because I saw He didnt help me. But dying with a sense of nihilism would be too much for me. And so I desperately CLing to hope. Any words of encouragement or biblical guidance or explanation would be welcome