Dear All
After years of having a long track record of several forms of OCD (Car, Germs, Illnesses, being unclean spiritually and lots more) now I suffer from Relationship OCD which is getting worse and worse.
I am certain that all of this has to do with deep wounds in my heart, caused by how I grew up with little affection, little to no love from my father, and he being harsh and demanding.
Due to this I started to be a perfectionist, since I wanted to earn love so bad my entire life.
The same pattern started when I gave my life to God a few years ago, I looked at God and compared him to my father. I just couldn't connect the love of god (which I knew in my head) to my heart. So it's never been a ''loving'' relationship, rather a harsh, demanding and focused on rules and commandments type of relationship.
My biggest problems in the last years were: If I liked something, or wanted to buy something (ex. Car, Watch, or even start my studies, or going to the gym) doesn't really matter what, I immediately got the thought ''God doesn't want me to do that, or even: It is sin''
Now this could go from good things to bad things, but it has happened with the good things a lot more often. Strangely once I get the thought something is sin, or God doesn't want me to do that, I get real feelings of guilt as if the thing was actually sin..even tho it might be based off a lie
PROBLEM: A few months ago I got in a christian relationship with a girl I love very much, we are very committed and going towards marriage. I want to marry her and we focus a lot on god, we worship, read and attend church together. She has dragged me a lot towards god and vice versa. At the time we were getting to know each other, I didn't have any problems. As soon as I started to like her more and started to think that she might be a very good spouse and wanted to be with her. Something had happened in my mind while in church: I begun getting thoughts of: god doesn't want her to be mine, god doesn't want us to be together. And I love god, I would like to obey him so bad, but I am just not sure whether I am listening to a fear (OCD) or the Holy Spirit?
My Parents, church, Pastor, christian counselors, her all of them confirm that we are made to be together and there is nothing deadly wrong about our relationship. That it is serving god and going his direction. There were lots of signs and blessings to our relationship, even If I can't see them 100% clearly due to anxiety, there are noticeable signs of god being with us and blessing this relationship.
First my fears were: what if god doesn't want me with her, I am gonna suffer a lot if I still do it..
Then: Is it a conviction of the Holy Spirit warning/commanding me and I don't want to obey because I love this girl thus rebelling against god. Or is it a evil spirit trying to split us up, since we're stronger together and love each other and its a god centered relationship.
Then: I am going to lose my salvation since I am not listening to gods commandment or voice. This brought me massive anxiety in the last days, panic attack levels and the fear is just overwhelming.
Thanks for reading this, and I really would appreciate every help I can get.
Does this sound like OCD? Can I lose my salvation by not following gods voice or even disobeying what he is saying? Is he even saying this? Wouldn't there be more signs and confirmations if it would be so? I feel I am not able anymore to hear the voice of the spirit, since the fears are covering everything up..
Edit: I mean yes, in the beginning there was a time at which sin has happened between her and me, but we confessed and set boundaries and for weeks now we are keeping our relationship as pure as possible. Because we both want a relationship that pleases the lord.
