~candice~ Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted October 3, 2009 My mother is a christian, but very legalistic (she still believes she has to be sinless and "good"). When we were raised, she told us that God has a black book, and it in, He gives us a tick anytime we do something good, and a cross every time we do something bad. If the ticks outweigh the crosses at the end of our life, we go to heaven. So her theology is poor (partly because she cannot attend a bible believing church). She is married to a non believer who is vehemently anti christian, anti God, and refuses to allow her to go to church. He is controlling and manipulative towards her. I am the only other christian in the family, and she leans on me for support (and, I don't mind this!). But she is also very manipulative in her dealings with us, demanding visits at a frequency that we simply cannot maintain. She gossips about us, uses manipulative and emotive behavior to try to get us to obey her wishes, and commands that I obey her every word because she is my mother and the bible demands that we obey our parents and honour and respect them. I am married, have a child and a husband. They are my family. Hubby and I both agree that my mother is being manipulative in her behavior, especially in her demands about Christmas day visits. Basically, her demands will require us to travel with our child (who is young) for about 4 hours on Christmas day, in order to see all three sets of parents. It will be a race to see everyone, we will only be able to visit each person for an hour, we will leave early in the day and return late at night. It is very hot here at Christmas, and the roads are usually gridlocked. My husband and I have decided to spend our first Christmas with our child at home together. This has caused incredible tension. I am after some advice about how, as a christian, to treat my mother with real respect and honour and grace, without being manipulated, and while respecting my husband's decisions as the leader of our family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HIS girl Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 This is a hard situation for you andy and I don't envy you at all. First and foremost, your hubby comes first - he is the head of your family now. His decision is your decision at this point in time. Also with a young baby, a 4 hour trip is out of the question at this stage. A hot car and a young baby on a congested highway is a recipe for the worse Christmas Day ever!! I know it's hard for parents as they get older to let go - and when a parent has a partner like your Mum has, it just makes it doubly harder. You will have to give "tough love" but with the respect due to her - it is totally reasonable to spend Christmas with your husband and young baby - I presume your first Christmas as a family(?). Let her know that you will call ASAP on Christmas morning and send stacks of pics of the day ASAP. Is there any possibility of her coming to you AFTER Christmas Day for a few days? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Praying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amor Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Removed from Forums for Breaking Terms of Service Followers: 1 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 2,194 Content Per Day: 0.30 Reputation: 34 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/18/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted October 3, 2009 You're an adult so you should come to a joint decsion with your husband (and it should be a joint decision, not his ), personslly I would think that the needs of your child should be paramount, but that's just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amor Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Removed from Forums for Breaking Terms of Service Followers: 1 Topic Count: 13 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 2,194 Content Per Day: 0.30 Reputation: 34 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/18/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted October 3, 2009 This is a hard situation for you andy and I don't envy you at all. First and foremost, your hubby comes first - he is the head of your family now. His decision is your decision at this point in time. I really don't agree with this statement it's a family not a dictatorship., there's nothing particularly worthy about turning yourself into a subservient little lady any more than there is to being a subservient obedient daughter. Anyway get the arguments and negotiations over as soon as possible and make sure you have a really enjoyable and uplifting Chritmas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alljoy123 Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 0 Topics Per Day: 0 Content Count: 261 Content Per Day: 0.05 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/27/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted October 3, 2009 the bible also tells parents not to draw their children to wrath...... which i believe manipulation does Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Believer1997 Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 66 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 6,363 Content Per Day: 1.12 Reputation: 119 Days Won: 9 Joined: 11/07/2008 Status: Offline Share Posted October 3, 2009 Wow.... as one who has been manipulated on gargantuan levels before - THAT is manipulation. When you leave your parents and marry, as you say your husband and your family are your family and you should put their needs first. That's a lot of traveling for such a little child and I've done the Christmas visit marathon before - for about 2 years - that's all it took for me to say - Nope - no more. My door is open and a brunch will be served at 11:00 a.m. with dinner to follow at 5:00 p.m. Christmas Day - See Ya There!! Trust me - when I sent this notice out 6 weeks before Christmas, I got a LOT of static... a lot of pouting and the 'puppet masters' started their best efforts to make me feel like dirt. It didn't work. Some grandparents lived 8 hours away and we told them they were welcome to come and stay OR we'd come the week after Christmas and celebrate a special time with them. You would have thought that the axis of the earth shifted!! The first year was such a pleasant success that it was the tradition for the next 16 years!! Our house was the place to be apparently and all the other siblings and cousins were so much older than my children (I'm youngest of 6) that they loved to come and "play" games, eat, watch sports, etc. I enjoyed all the activities and my children remember their holidays as being happy. Now we have a grandchild and she and my daughter and my son live across the country and have different work schedules, etc. It's a different time and we are already making new traditions of going to visit them - they live in the desert southwest and it's very different than our weather and holidays here - but just as beautiful and meaningful. Remember the reason for the season - we enjoy putting the Nativity scene on display with our little grand girl and taking her to see the lights and lighting candles for Advent, of cooking favorite dishes and making cookies with a little one who thinks that is the greatest of fun .... going to Church on Christmas Eve and so many other things that are now becoming 'her' traditions to remember. Start making those traditions your own!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HIS girl Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 'HIS girl' First and foremost, your hubby comes first - he is the head of your family now. His decision is your decision at this point in time. 'amor' I really don't agree with this statement it's a family not a dictatorship., there's nothing particularly worthy about turning yourself into a subservient little lady any more than there is to being a subservient obedient daughter. HIS girl You're dead right, it's not a dictatorship. Husband first as in head of the faimly - parent no longer head, as andy has left the family home and married. Dynamics have shifted. Her husband and child's needs come 1st now. Obedient wife, doesn't mean doormat - far from it. (but this has been discussed on Worthy many times before). Obviously there will be discussion between husband and wife - that is just common sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~candice~ Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 Amor, Nothing makes me feel more secure than being loved by and in to submission to my hubby. I am not a doormat, but there is something freeing about knowing what is going to happen when we disagree, and that someone will make a the final decision. We have spoken about this issue with my mother and have both come to the same conclusion. Thank you for your sentiment anyway. Andy Believer PM sis. Hgirl - did you have this as well? It's so hard travelling in our hot weather on Christmas day. Arrggh! This is our first Christmas as a family together, but we will be visiting the grandparents the weekend before and the weekend after Christmas. If they are unhappy with that they are gunna have to be unhappy with that. It just feels terribly when Mum levels the guilt trip on me... you are a christian you are supposed to value family, why don't you put the effort in, because of you we are missing out on our grandbaby, family takes effort and you are just gunna have to do things you don't want to do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HIS girl Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 ~andy~' Hgirl - did you have this as well? It's so hard travelling in our hot weather on Christmas day. Arrggh! This is our first Christmas as a family together, but we will be visiting the grandparents the weekend before and the weekend after Christmas. If they are unhappy with that they are gunna have to be unhappy with that. It just feels terribly when Mum levels the guilt trip on me... you are a christian you are supposed to value family, why don't you put the effort in, because of you we are missing out on our grandbaby, family takes effort and you are just gunna have to do things you don't want to do... Yes andy - I went through this drama but in my case, I had zero input into any discussion because the other person was ALWAYS right. But that's another story for another day. I think what happens around Christmas time is the focus on the actual DAY. Folks forget about the "time" spent together as being the main importance (apart from celebrating the birth of our Lord). Believer has put forward some seriously wise input - What you have proposed about the weekends with the G'parents sounds just fine. You are not being selfish and don't ride the guilt trip from your Mum. She is wrong to do that - I know you love her but you also see through the manipulation and it needs to stop (on her part). The more you unite with your hubby's decisions, the more she will come to understand that you are valuing family (yours) and she won't be missing out either. The hot road trip for a baby is simply a no go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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