Something broken in me

[fromIslam2Christ]

I recently left an abusive church, whose doctrines were off and where my trust was betrayed. At first I felt relief and peace and joy in my heart after leaving.

But now, it seems there is an emptiness in me (spiritually). And I am still trying to figure out what to believe and what not to believe, all my doctrinal conceptions are OFF now.

I attend a new church, go to all the services, Bible studies, prayer meetings, because I feel this thirst of having this feeling of being connected to God (which by the way I had while going to that cultish church) and wanting to feel the Holy Spirit.

Yesterday while at a church prayer meeting, I was struggling. It was as if I couldn't pray even. I was numb. The best way to describe the feeling is this piece of steel in my chest instead of my heart. Physically i feel some kind of pressure on the left side of my chest where my heart is. During the service, I found myself observing other people a lot, looking at the time, wanting this whole thing to end.

As a result of all this, I feel upset with myself. I feel like there are these good Christians on one side, and me on the other because of this numbness. I dont trust my fellow Christians any more at all. I feel someone, pastor or church member or friend, is going to stab me in the back at the first opportunity. I dont have many Christian friends, but the couple I have been making all seem to be only wanting things from me: a place to stay, money to borrow, rides, info and lectures about Islam. Thats not counting the Christian men I have encountered who behaved worse than non-Christians in terms of morals and behaviour, yet are highly respected in churches because they pray very loud and attend all church activities. So it is a feeling of isolation. I dont confide in any Christian I know because I will be told the same thing: pray about it, and read your Bible.I am already doing this. I trust God hears me and will help me at some point. I find the people who truly care about me are my non-Christian friends (with years of friendship) but I dont want to confide in them because they will think Christianity is a poor life choice if I am going through a depression after converting...

We are supposed to be the salt of the earth and lights. Instead mentally I am crumbling to pieces. What a bad testimony!

This is affecting my work. I wake up every morning feeling a cloud over my life and then can,t concentrate on writing papers, grading exams... nothing. All I want to do is get under the covers and sleep and forget about everything.

I know God is here somewhere but I have this feeling I have failed Him and can't have a positive outlook on my future.

Thanks for listening.

[~Shalhevet~]

I believe the Lord answered your prayers by bringing you to this forum. This is our church and there are wonderful, godly people here who are hear to listen, worship, praise and pray with and for you. I have had bad experiences in churches but this place (Worthy) is consistently honorable. Out of all the churches I've been to in real life, this one beats them all. I've learned more here than in any church.

[south]

Hello,

Put your hope in God and not in men. People will always fail you but God never will.

When I first started attending church, the very first thing my friend told me was to never ever focus on the pastor nor the people around me. They are humans too and therefore can make mistakes and can fail me. She told me to focus on God and focus on His word. And that was exactly what I did, and still do.

You are not alone in what you are going thru. Many people have gone thru or are going thru the same. Even the most seemingly rooted Christian go thru dryness in their Christian walk.

When I go through such, all I do is to come before the Lord and really be honest before Him about what I feel. He knows all of it anyway. And always, He is there to give comfort and assurance. He is able to comfort me in ways no one else, not even the closest nor most loved one, can ever do.

Blessings...South

[Blien]

I get what you mean. I can totally relate... Church seems to some people a social club than an actual place of worship.

Something that was hard for me to get over was the fact that, our expectations of Christians should not be any different from the world. I know this is real sick.. but seriously, its best if we don't look at others but focused more on ourselves to improve our walk and to examine our motives.

I don't have a church that I can go to. It was the same reason you pointed out.. And it's really sad. So I listen to podcasts of Churches I like which are all throughout the Unites States and try to keep up to do date with what they are doing. On Sundays' I teach at a Orthodox Church the true gospel to the sunday school students... But something inside of me is missing just like you. I keep having these dreams of going to buy bread and only finding half eaten ones. Jesus said "I am the bread of life". God said "is any one hungry? come take your fill of wine or milk, its all free"... but I have yet to find it. A place where I can be completely satisfied. If I just at home by myself, worshiping the lord I do a big disservice to myself and others... anyway.. recently I started thinking about starting a home church here since there are no good churches in Toronto.

But throughout these 3 years that I have been a born again believer Worthy has become my church more than anything. I love the people here and I can confide in them. Don't go back to your old friends, believe me, they will try to pull you back into sin. I just cut off the last old friend this past week and feel the freedom already.

[CSLewis]

I would argue that this is not a church. We are the church but this is not a substitute for getting up in the morning and worshipping with other believers in body and spirit.

Secondly Christians are not perfect. I am not. You are not. You say that that church you were at was abusive - does that mean they were physically , sexually , or verbally abusive? If what you mean is they had a set of doctrines that you disagree with then you have every right to leave, but I wouldn't consider that abusive.

Thirdly sometimes God doesn't want us to pray - sometimes he wants to talk to us but we are too busy talking to listen. Meditation is sitting silently clearing our mind, breathing and listening. He will fill you with peace.

[~Shalhevet~]

Thirdly sometimes God doesn't want us to pray - sometimes he wants to talk to us but we are too busy talking to listen. Meditation is sitting silently clearing our mind, breathing and listening. He will fill you with peace.

This is important.

[CSLewis]

I get what you mean. I can totally relate... Church seems to some people a social club than an actual place of worship.

Something that was hard for me to get over was the fact that, our expectations of Christians should not be any different from the world. I know this is real sick.. but seriously, its best if we don't look at others but focused more on ourselves to improve our walk and to examine our motives.

I don't have a church that I can go to. It was the same reason you pointed out.. And it's really sad. So I listen to podcasts of Churches I like which are all throughout the Unites States and try to keep up to do date with what they are doing. On Sundays' I teach at a Orthodox Church the true gospel to the sunday school students... But something inside of me is missing just like you. I keep having these dreams of going to buy bread and only finding half eaten ones. Jesus said "I am the bread of life". God said "is any one hungry? come take your fill of wine or milk, its all free"... but I have yet to find it. A place where I can be completely satisfied. If I just at home by myself, worshiping the lord I do a big disservice to myself and others... anyway.. recently I started thinking about starting a home church here since there are no good churches in Toronto.

But throughout these 3 years that I have been a born again believer Worthy has become my church more than anything. I love the people here and I can confide in them. Don't go back to your old friends, believe me, they will try to pull you back into sin. I just cut off the last old friend this past week and feel the freedom already.

There is not one church in all of the metropolis of Toronto that you can worship God? Church is an oppurtunity for us to worship Him, and at the same time love our neighbors and join with other believers in body and spirit. It is SO important. It doesn't matter if you don't agree 100% with the pastor or priest, or with the denomination, it's not about that, it is about coming together as the Body of Christ and partaking of communion and worship together. To read his word together. To pray together. Nobody is perfect. If only perfect people went to church the pews would be empty.

[Blien]

I get what you mean. I can totally relate... Church seems to some people a social club than an actual place of worship.

Something that was hard for me to get over was the fact that, our expectations of Christians should not be any different from the world. I know this is real sick.. but seriously, its best if we don't look at others but focused more on ourselves to improve our walk and to examine our motives.

I don't have a church that I can go to. It was the same reason you pointed out.. And it's really sad. So I listen to podcasts of Churches I like which are all throughout the Unites States and try to keep up to do date with what they are doing. On Sundays' I teach at a Orthodox Church the true gospel to the sunday school students... But something inside of me is missing just like you. I keep having these dreams of going to buy bread and only finding half eaten ones. Jesus said "I am the bread of life". God said "is any one hungry? come take your fill of wine or milk, its all free"... but I have yet to find it. A place where I can be completely satisfied. If I just at home by myself, worshiping the lord I do a big disservice to myself and others... anyway.. recently I started thinking about starting a home church here since there are no good churches in Toronto.

But throughout these 3 years that I have been a born again believer Worthy has become my church more than anything. I love the people here and I can confide in them. Don't go back to your old friends, believe me, they will try to pull you back into sin. I just cut off the last old friend this past week and feel the freedom already.

There is not one church in all of the metropolis of Toronto that you can worship God? Church is an oppurtunity for us to worship Him, and at the same time love our neighbors and join with other believers in body and spirit. It is SO important. It doesn't matter if you don't agree 100% with the pastor or priest, or with the denomination, it's not about that, it is about coming together as the Body of Christ and partaking of communion and worship together. To read his word together. To pray together. Nobody is perfect. If only perfect people went to church the pews would be empty.

Haven't you read this in the Bible?

1 Corinthians 15:30-33

30 And why should we ourselves risk our lives hour by hour? 31 For I swear, dear brothers and sisters, that I face death daily. This is as certain as my pride in what Christ Jesus our Lord has done in you. 32 And what value was there in fighting wild beasts—those people of Ephesus—if there will be no resurrection from the dead? And if there is no resurrection, “Let’s feast and drink, for tomorrow we die!” 33 Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.”

And

2 Corinthians 11:4

You happily put up with whatever anyone tells you, even if they preach a different Jesus than the one we preach, or a different kind of Spirit than the one you received, or a different kind of gospel than the one you believed.

And

1 Corinthians 5:11

I meant that you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don't even eat with such people.

I will not associate myself with such people... as Paul said. "Bad company ruins good morals"

[winsomebulldog]

I get what you mean. I can totally relate... Church seems to some people a social club than an actual place of worship.

Something that was hard for me to get over was the fact that, our expectations of Christians should not be any different from the world. I know this is real sick.. but seriously, its best if we don't look at others but focused more on ourselves to improve our walk and to examine our motives.

I don't have a church that I can go to. It was the same reason you pointed out.. And it's really sad. So I listen to podcasts of Churches I like which are all throughout the Unites States and try to keep up to do date with what they are doing. On Sundays' I teach at a Orthodox Church the true gospel to the sunday school students... But something inside of me is missing just like you. I keep having these dreams of going to buy bread and only finding half eaten ones. Jesus said "I am the bread of life". God said "is any one hungry? come take your fill of wine or milk, its all free"... but I have yet to find it. A place where I can be completely satisfied. If I just at home by myself, worshiping the lord I do a big disservice to myself and others... anyway.. recently I started thinking about starting a home church here since there are no good churches in Toronto.

But throughout these 3 years that I have been a born again believer Worthy has become my church more than anything. I love the people here and I can confide in them. Don't go back to your old friends, believe me, they will try to pull you back into sin. I just cut off the last old friend this past week and feel the freedom already.

There is not one church in all of the metropolis of Toronto that you can worship God? Church is an oppurtunity for us to worship Him, and at the same time love our neighbors and join with other believers in body and spirit. It is SO important. It doesn't matter if you don't agree 100% with the pastor or priest, or with the denomination, it's not about that, it is about coming together as the Body of Christ and partaking of communion and worship together. To read his word together. To pray together. Nobody is perfect. If only perfect people went to church the pews would be empty.

CS, you and I have disagreed on other issues, but on this one we are in full agreement. I am a fan of podcasts and of course of Worthy, but neither can replace the real, live, physical attendance of a church service where you can join in communal praise, worship and fellowship.

I also agree completely with you suggestion that a person does not have to agree 100% with their pastor (priest, whatever) or with the denomination of a church to attend it and indeed to be a member. I love my pastor and his wife dearly. I respect them tremendously. But I do not agree with everything they say. (EX: she believes women should only wear dressed/skirts. They both believe the KJV is the only "right" version of the Bible. I'm not interested in starting any discussions about either of these issues, just stating that they believe these things and I do not. )

Even our pastor will tell you that although our church is called "Baptist" it doesn't really mean anything. He says we identify more with traditional Baptist doctrines and beliefs, but that being a Baptist or Methodist or anything else means nothing in the grand scheme of things. What matters is being a member of THE church, as in the Body of Christ!

[nebula]

Hey 2Christ -

I can relate to your feelings in a lot of ways.

I was in a fellowship that seemed to have been above all others in experiencing God, and it turned out to be cultist. It took me years to recover from that

(and I'd been a Christian my entire life!). I am speculating there were a lot of lies fed into your soul that haven't been weeded out yet, and they are poisoning your system. (That's one of the things I had to deal with.)

Later on I had to leave the church I had since joined to because of some things going on (long story). Again, it's been taking me years to recover. I hadn't been a member of a church for a long time after leaving. It was lonely not having the physical spiritual fellowship. But in some ways it was beneficial to be so separated (another long story).

I don't have the time to go through all the things I could tell you. But for now I just want to encourage you with this -

The best place to find the Lord is in the desert. You can read this in Scripture - the Lord is always taking His people into the desert to draw nearer to Him. On the outset, this seems harsh - deserts are dry and hot (and cold at night often) and barren. I plead many a tear for the Lord to get me out of the desert. But eventually things changed. I began to see beauty in the desert. It became easier for me to find and recognize watering holes, wells, and other sources of water. I found out how to glean food from the resources available. (This is all spiritually speaking, of course.)

That is my encouragement to you - do not be frightened! Trust that the Lord has you in the palm of His hand and isn't letting you go.

One thing you can do about the feeling of steel you have is to pray something like:

"If this is physical, Lord please heal it.

If this is of the enemy, please rebuke it.

If this is of You, Lord please bless it."

Some people feel physical manifestations of spiritual things. Sometimes it means the Lord means for you to intercede for something or someone; so you can ask the Lord to reveal to you if there is something He wants you to pray for.

Prayers and blessings!