Getting close to God and feelings of rejection

[JeannieC]

This is hard to explain but I've been dealing with this for so long and I'm tired of trying to keep it inside. I need some help. Every time I start feeling close to God, these old feelings of rejection start up.

This was the start. When I was 5 years old I had a night terror of monsters coming through my window. I was crying and telling my mother and stepfather about the monsters coming into my room as though I were awake but I was still asleep. My mother said my eyes were open and I was talking and then I suddenly woke up and was very confused. I remember the dream but not speaking to my mother. Under the guise of staying to comfort me my stepfather abused me for the first time. I guess the monsters really did come into my room that night. From that point on I felt worthless and rejected. I would keep everyone at a distance.

I've come to understand that what occurred does not make me worthless. I still struggle with fear of rejection and social anxiety.

Before, I could never get close to God before because I couldn't accept that he really would save me or cared about me at all. I was finally able to accept and believe that God loves me and has saved me. It has been hard for me to relate to God as my father because my father left me at 3 months old and my stepfather abused me off and on for 10 years. My father told me years later if I had been a son he would have stayed. Being a daughter was something to be ashamed of but God has been helping me with that and this past few weeks especially I've felt the closest to God that I have ever felt. But now those feelings are starting again.

This time it is thoughts like you should just leave the board. You can't get close to anyone. Don't bother others with your problems. You should figure it out on your own. Things like that. I will second guess each post I do make for fear of rejection. I have never even ventured into chat. I get lonely and I am tired of this. My husband is a wonderful man but I don't want to burden him with this more than I have and though he believes in God and supports my walk with God, he is not walking with me right now. I guess I just want to talk to believers about this. How will I speak boldly and be a witness for Jesus when I am stuck with the same stupid fear of rejection that I have been carrying around forever? How can I love my neighbor as myself when my neighbor scares the crud out of me for fear of rejection? I love at a distance. How pathetic is that?

I know that God will help me move past this. I'm just frustrated with those same old fears showing up and I just wanted to talk to someone who may understand. If you've read all this, thank you for listening. I've never told all of this to anyone else before. Please pray that I will get over it already.

Your sister in Christ,

Jeannie

[georgedrw81]

Realsing and accepting our fears just like your posting is the moment we become transformed to accept Him unconditionally. We all go through it to reach the True Light. Telling your husband your fears is like taking the steam out from a pressure cooker and feels great as well. There is also a ladies only sub-forum on these boards were you might feel more comfortable to say certain things but you need to ask a moderator first for the password.

Praying

[Jayyycuuup]

~Do not fear for the Lord is with you ! BE forgiving ~

Do not fear for the Lord is always with you. He is your God and will strengthen you, yes he will help you....upholding you with His righteousness (Isaiah 41:10) Do not be troubled nor dismayed for the peace of the Lord will be upon you. The Lord wants us to be forgiving as hard as it must be. Not for the trespasser but for our benefit, to move on and let this burden not rule over us. Un-masking the evil in the name of Christ Jesus, these afflictions are allowing this terror to be overcoming, and to rule over us. But we must cast it to the pits of Hell, in Christ we will be uplifted, in this forgiveness we shall move on. We must forgive as Christ has forgiven us (Colossians 3:13) Mark 11:25 "And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, and forgiving some who have done such unspeakable things is absolutely hard ! But we must trust in the Lord, and not lean on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5)

~God's love is everlasting, people come and go.....but God is here always !~

Psalm 43:1-5 "Vindicate me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation; Oh deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man! For you are the God of my strength; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and on my harp I shall praise you, O God, my God. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall praise him, my countenance and my God" God will never leave us nor forsake us. For this reason we should be in good spirit, life is not easy but God promises that he will be there in all circumstances (Deuteronomy 31:6) We will go through great trials and tribulations but God is there. Our outer man is dwindling and brings forth affliction, but our inner man is being renewed each day (2 Corinthians 4:16)

~Nothing can deprive you of Gods Love !~

Paul is convinced that death nor life, nor angels, nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor any other created thing may seperate us from the love of God which is shown to us Through our Savior Jesus Christ (Romans 8:37-39) The Lord is our Light and our Salvation, whom shall you Fear ? For he is the strong hold of your life ! (Psalm 27:1) Christ delivered himself up to you, thus should be enough to say that He in fact loves you ! (Galatians 2:20) God proclaims us as His Children, in this manner it declares the love that God has for us (1 John 3:1) Gods love is unfailing, take this love to heart and understand that God will always be with you ! (Psalm 13:5) You are good enough, for salvation is upon all men ! (Titus 2:11)

~Love yourself....What is Love?~

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.(1 Corinthians 13:4-7) Understand and learn that your good enough, God loves you......so why cant you love you ? The time of old has died as Christ once died, the old you has perished and you have been redeemed through Christ !! (Galatians 2, Romans 6) God created you in His own image,(Genesis 1:27) to cast His child off would be sending himself away, a house divided will not stand (Mark 3:25)

How can you love others if you do not love yourself ? God commands us to love our neighbor as thyself,() you have a big heart ! Always know that your good enough !!! If you Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind you will do so,(Mathew 22:37-39) it will be a long process to submit....but do not be afraid, for the Lord will help you through this. It is not pathetic at all. It actually makes a lot of sense at to why your feel such uncertainty and distance from those around you. You build a wall to keep yourself from getting hurt, allow the Lord to take your wall down brick by brick and you will live to trust and love as you should. Ask and it will be given

~Prayer~

Heavenly Father we thank you for bringing Jeannie to us, and allowing her to open up and try to be true to herself. Thank you for bestowing your love upon her. We ask that you take apart the safety walls that she has built around herself and teach her how to love, and trust again. Who better to teach her such things than yourself Lord. Redeem her and bring her peace and Love in your almighty name ! Day by day teach her something new and teach her how to trust those around her, and to love herself. Bring forth forgiveness upon her heart as she can move past the burden that has shackled her heart. Let this burden restrain her no more !!! In your precious Name Lord Jesus we ask all of this in your name, strong and hopeful knowing all this will come to pass. Amen

[JeannieC]

Thank you George and Jacob. I've been thinking all morning about what you both have said.

This morning I was feeling sorry that I had finally posted but after reading what you said George about realizing and accepting my fears I know that saying what I did here was needed. Otherwise, it has just stayed in the back of my mind and I'd push it away thinking don't think about that and let it drag you down but I think as I get closer to God, these things that I've pushed away are coming to light to be settled.

Jacob, I thought that I had gotten past it all but I can see where I still need work on forgiveness and love. I feel like I have forgiven my stepfather but I'm not sure I forgive and love myself completely. I don't know. It is confusing. I will continue to read the scripture you posted and let it sink into my heart and understanding. I do know that those walls you mention are there and I've been thinking about it and I think that is why these feelings of rejection are coming to light. I think that the Lord is saying it is time for these walls to come down and it is an unsettling feeling for me.

Here's what has come to mind about these walls...

If I am depending on these walls to protect me, I am not trusting in the Lord to be my strength and protection and refuge.

Psa 91:2 KJV - I will say of the LORD, [He is] my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

These walls are not much different than a bushel or a vessel in my life.

Luk 8:16 KJV - No man, when he hath lighted a candle, covereth it with a vessel, or putteth [it] under a bed; but setteth [it] on a candlestick, that they which enter in may see the light.

When I fear others even if it is a learned fear and a habit by now I am leaning on my own (faulty) understanding instead of trusting in the Lord with all my heart.

Pro 3:5 KJV - Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

Pro 3:6 KJV - In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Also, in our walk there will be real rejection because the world has rejected Him and my little walls are of no use there. Before I can put on the full armor of God I have to take off the poor attempts of protection that I have created for myself.

If faith can bring down the walls of Jericho than faith can bring down my walls too. I'm not going to say it isn't uncomfortable. I think the Lord is working on this in me and I'm glad that He is but it doesn't feel so great right now. That's okay.

I started to say that I have a lot to do but I think that is wrong and one of my usual tactics of wanted to save myself. Rather, the Lord has a lot to do with me and I am going to surrender myself to Him and let Him do what needs done to me. Lord, please do what you must do. I don't want to be this way anymore.

Edited September 9, 2012 by JeannieC

[Jayyycuuup]

~Walls of your heart~

What comes to mind is you have these walls around your heart to keep yourself from getting hurt. Feeling dependent upon yourself in fear of people not accepting whom you are. And amen to the verses you posted, focus upon these and hold these close because this will help you get through this. You don't have to go through this alone, be settle and just submit to the Lord. It is easier said than done but we must be willing and be open, God already knows your fears, what your going through () and exactly how you feel. While your mouth says no words your spirit cries out for help () Perfect love is never forced, but gentle and given when asked.....along with this comes help. You do not have to be afraid when confronting the Lord because what happened to you he felt, the thoughts in your mind he hears. (Mathew 25) Psalm 139:4 "For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold O Lord, You know it altogether." The Lord knows your troubles, and the troubles that are upon your heart. All you have to do is ask for the support, pray that he takes you apart and rebuilds you......and it will be done. This is a process and will not become new in one day, you must be patient and be willing to change.

~God is our Protector~

The Lord is our Shepard, and leads us beside still waters. He restores our souls, and will lead us down the paths of righteousness if you ask in His name. "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me." Goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life if you give in to the Lord, though you lead astray, the Lord will redirect you and bring calmness upon you in your days of trouble. (Psalm 23) Though we will be tempted, God will deliver us, He is faithful. (1 Corinthian 10:13) In God we find peace, the world brings forth destruction, but take to heart that the Lord has overcome and rules over this earth (John 16:33)

~Give ear, and pray this Prayer~

Please Read Psalm 141-148. It is a little bit of a read but it is well worth it. Though you feel lonely the Lord will heed your prayers and save you. Lord allow your words touch Jeannie's heart, and speak to her soul.

~Faith, Hope, and Love~

Amen ! The Lord is both working with you, and waiting for you. Waiting for you to be ready to move past this. When God takes down the walls He does not want you to be inside them, He first must take you out of your "comfort" zone......to do so you must trust in him, having faith that all these things will be made new. He is our redeemer, He only wishes you the best ! It does not feel comfortable because your being taken out side of your comfort zone, this is all new to you, but that is okay. It is okay to be scared, worried......just know that God is with you every step of the way, trust in Him, have faith and do not worry

~What is having faith in God ?~

Having faith in God means being hopeful/assured (Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for......") that He will take care of your needs. It is in our nature to be worried about what is to happen, and what is to come but the Lord is our rock, and will lead us.....and take care of us ! Ask, seek, find and knock.....have your heart set on something, your needs are the Fathers needs. When we weep it tears Him up (John 10:27-29, Mathew 7:7, 2 Corinthians 4:8-9) Always Remember that with what is impossible to us is possible with God (1 Corinthians 10:13)

~Amen~

So glad that you corrected yourself That ensures that your starting to learn that your not alone and in fact God will help you through this ! If you want I could talk about surrendering to the Lord ? Just something I thought I should ask first....anywho, God bless you and I pray that He brings forth comfort, In Jesus Name Amen

[JeannieC]

I want to move past this so very much. How foolish and sad it is to let something that happened so long ago continue to hurt me and worse yet undermine my confidence to reach out and help others like I want to do. I don't want to stand before the Lord one day and say I wanted to do as You said but I was too afraid to talk to people. No Lord, I didn't offer your disciple a cup of water in Your name because I was afraid I'd be rejected or didn't feel confident or qualified to offer. See, I've never put it in those words before and typing that out I see this is not good. No, I see it for what it is now and I can't continue in this fear. Even though, I've tried for years to move myself past it but I haven't been able to get anywhere, I believe that God can do it. I really do and I believe He will.

If you don't mind, I would appreciate if you could talk a bit about surrender. I want to surrender and I'm trying the best I know to surrender myself but I'm not sure that I completely understand surrendering.

I'm reading Psalms 141 -148 and then I'm going to try to and learn more about surrendering. I appreciate you taking the time Jacob. I really do.

Edited September 10, 2012 by JeannieC

[gdemoss]

JeannieC, my beloved sister! Yes...you and I, we are weak and pathetic little creatures who cannot do anything right! Praise God! Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! I can't. He can. I need to ask him too.

I don't love people enough to reach out to them because they will probably reject me...yes, that old familiar song I used to sing before I asked God to set up shop in my heart and do his works through me. I was a complete coward and full of self loathing and wickedness until God did it in me. You see, I could not do it. We cannot do it. He must do it. He had to save us by his sacrifice. He must cleanse us through his word by the power of his Spirit. He must quicken our mortal flesh. We only need ask our Father to do the works and follow his lead.

We can't.

He can.

Ask.

Ask.

Ask.

JeanieC, I love you. I want to see you surrender your whole being unto our Lord that he might do a mighty work in you. A leopard cannot change its spots nor an Ethiopian his skin, but God can....yes God can....Oh marvelous infinite matchless grace of our loving Lord!

Ask....seek....knock.

In Jesus Name,

Gary

[JeannieC]

JeannieC, my beloved sister! Yes...you and I, we are weak and pathetic little creatures who cannot do anything right! Praise God! Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! I can't. He can. I need to ask him too.

I don't love people enough to reach out to them because they will probably reject me...yes, that old familiar song I used to sing before I asked God to set up shop in my heart and do his works through me. I was a complete coward and full of self loathing and wickedness until God did it in me. You see, I could not do it. We cannot do it. He must do it. He had to save us by his sacrifice. He must cleanse us through his word by the power of his Spirit. He must quicken our mortal flesh. We only need ask our Father to do the works and follow his lead.

We can't.

He can.

Ask.

Ask.

Ask.

JeanieC, I love you. I want to see you surrender your whole being unto our Lord that he might do a mighty work in you. A leopard cannot change its spots nor an Ethiopian his skin, but God can....yes God can....Oh marvelous infinite matchless grace of our loving Lord!

Ask....seek....knock.

In Jesus Name,

Gary

Thank you my brother. It is hard to hear but I hear you and I can see that once again, I have been trying to do it on my own. He is doing what I have asked. I asked Him only yesterday to please give me wisdom to know His will so that I might be the person that He wants me to be. And then He shows me this part of myself and I freak out and start backing away. I thought of leaving this board. I wanted to delete this thread. I felt too exposed. I still feel exposed.

Mat 16:25 KJV - For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

He is showing me where I am holding on trying to save my own life, protect myself, my feelings, and pride, my flesh.

Is this what He means by Luk 9:23 KJV - And he said to [them] all, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

I can not do ANYTHING apart from Him.

Jhn 15:4 ESV - Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.

Jhn 15:5 ESV - I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Jhn 15:6 ESV - If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.

I'm not abiding in Him. I'm abiding in my fear. I'm not taking up my cross each day and crucifying my fearful flesh and losing my life for Him. I'm not surrendering ALL of myself. I'm holding back in my fear.

Oh man. I didn't see it. God help me. I've got to get my head and my heart around this.

[Jayyycuuup]

Your very welcome Jeannie love to help whenever I can, so thank you for giving me the time to do so (also thank God for helping me help you lol)

~Not Foolish !~

Your not foolish at all, so toss that aside lol. You went through a horrific experience, the next step is just saying Lord I forgive this person.....help me move past this ! Anyone would be stuck in this slumber of confusion and hurt, it takes a strong willed person like yourself to try and move pass this and forgive the person, so praise the Lord that you have a good heart God is a just judge, your own guilt is eating yourself.....God understands your hurt (as stated above) and is willing to help you ! Your journey to "finding" yourself through God's guidance will consist of ups and downs, Christ is our rock......lean on him !

God does not condemn you, the world tries to do so but does not wield the sword of judgement. Christ came to give us life, not to condemn (John 3:17)

~Do not be afraid, Lean on God....~

Just read apart of your post and realized a big flaw that I would like to point out if you don't Mind..... "I've tried for years to move myself past it but I haven't been able to get anywhere," That is the problem.....for years now, you have tried to do it yourself. But only God can move mountains, through His, Grace, Power, and Love for you.....He will do so accordingly ! What does Proverbs say ? Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your Heart and lean not on your own understanding." Peter says that we can cast ALL our cares upon the Lord and in time he will exalt us. (1 Peter 5) You must, MUST trust in the Lord to guide your ways, and in all ways acknowledge him and give in to Him if you wish to move past this. To better understand this, you can find just this thing in Jeremiah 17:5-9.

Keep this verse close to your heart, knowing that God will help you ! Jeremiah 29:11"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

~Giving in to the Lord and allowing Him to lead you !~

Understand that the flesh is weak but the spirit is willing (Mark 14:38) To surrender to Christ must be for betterment not for benefit ! You must trust in the Lord knowing that He will not lead you astray but lead you down the path of righteousness. Christ is/was the Hope of mankind and still is ! Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you (James 4:8) Try not to be dismayed nor be in fear of giving in to the Lord, but rejoice in His coming and the answered prayer/s. God gives generously, speak the words that are upon your heart and it will be given. Have faith that you will be redeemed and watch as the Lord works within you. (James 1:5) Giving in to the Lord is just as Proverbs 3:5-6 says, trust in the Lord will all your heart and in all ways acknowledge him, and He SHALL direct your paths. You see surrendering is knowing that you cannot do this yourself, knowing that it is beyond you and accepting Christ to take control. To "run" your life and direct you in a path of His righteousness (note not sinless, but a "godly" path, in a path of thanksgiving and absolute Love for Him) Without Love and Trust in God your left with nothing, because without Love for Him, his sacrifice would be in vain. He commands us to believe in our HEARTS that He died for us and that God raised Him from the dead (Romans 10:10) Accepting Christ as our Savior is a big step, the next step is allowing Him to come into our lives and be our Lord. Being the "Head of our House" guiding us and showing us where we go next and whom needs direction. He tells us to make a decision, to choose to serve Him, life is all about choices and I assure you. Making this choice will open your eyes, and your heart. (Joshua 24:15) Choose to follow the Lord and God will honor you ! (John 12:26) (Psalm 37:1-7) Surrendering to the Lord means committing yourself to the Lord and saying Lord, your now in control,you must be trusting in Him and be patient in each request, being confident in an answer. Saying to the Lord, I trust in you, for you are My God ! Deliver me from my transgression and shine your mercy upon me, save me from myself and renew me. Ask the Lord to bring forth his calling and not the works of man, to shine light upon his purpose for you and His grace which will keep you. (1 Timothy 1:8-9) "Many are called but few are chosen." (Mathew 22:14) Ask the Lord to make your paths straight, allow you to be the few of the chosen, "He who has an ear let him hear" incline your ear to the Lord and allow him to work through you. "In all ways acknowledge Him" and your life will be forever changed and be upheld by the Lord's righteousness. Allow Him to build you up ! Hope this helps a little.....May the Lord bring forth His truth and enlighten your heart !

Peace be with you from our Lord, our redeemer and Savior !

[JeannieC]

Thank you again Jacob. This does help me to understand surrender better. I thought I was surrendering but I realize that I have been holding this part back which is really weird to me because it is the one thing I'd love to be rid of the most. I'm not sure how I've gotten this so fouled up but I'm going to stop beating myself up and start talking to God. I'm going to go over the scriptures that you've provided and think more about what Gary said and pray and just talk to God about this and ask Him to help me. I'm not feeling as freaked out as I was so I appreciate all your help cause I was feeling really awful at the start of this thread. God bless you.