Getting close to God and feelings of rejection

[Jayyycuuup]

Thank you again Jacob. This does help me to understand surrender better. I thought I was surrendering but I realize that I have been holding this part back which is really weird to me because it is the one thing I'd love to be rid of the most. I'm not sure how I've gotten this so fouled up but I'm going to stop beating myself up and start talking to God. I'm going to go over the scriptures that you've provided and think more about what Gary said and pray and just talk to God about this and ask Him to help me. I'm not feeling as freaked out as I was so I appreciate all your help cause I was feeling really awful at the start of this thread. God bless you.

Great to hear

I supply the time and God does all else so no credit to me, but thank you for being patient as I am not the fastest typer.

Talk to God each day, even just saying Lord thank you, once a day is saying something. It shows appreciation as we know God has done a lot for all of us.

Glad your feeling more settle and hope one day you wonder into chat lol

Also, do not hesitate to pm me with questions you may have or just someone to talk to. Will do my best to both listen and allow God to help me answer your questions.

God bless you and enjoyed helping

[gdemoss]

JeannieC, my beloved sister! Yes...you and I, we are weak and pathetic little creatures who cannot do anything right! Praise God! Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! I can't. He can. I need to ask him too.

I don't love people enough to reach out to them because they will probably reject me...yes, that old familiar song I used to sing before I asked God to set up shop in my heart and do his works through me. I was a complete coward and full of self loathing and wickedness until God did it in me. You see, I could not do it. We cannot do it. He must do it. He had to save us by his sacrifice. He must cleanse us through his word by the power of his Spirit. He must quicken our mortal flesh. We only need ask our Father to do the works and follow his lead.

We can't.

He can.

Ask.

Ask.

Ask.

JeanieC, I love you. I want to see you surrender your whole being unto our Lord that he might do a mighty work in you. A leopard cannot change its spots nor an Ethiopian his skin, but God can....yes God can....Oh marvelous infinite matchless grace of our loving Lord!

Ask....seek....knock.

In Jesus Name,

Gary

Thank you my brother. It is hard to hear but I hear you and I can see that once again, I have been trying to do it on my own. He is doing what I have asked. I asked Him only yesterday to please give me wisdom to know His will so that I might be the person that He wants me to be. And then He shows me this part of myself and I freak out and start backing away. I thought of leaving this board. I wanted to delete this thread. I felt too exposed. I still feel exposed.

Mat 16:25 KJV - For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

He is showing me where I am holding on trying to save my own life, protect myself, my feelings, and pride, my flesh.

Is this what He means by Luk 9:23 KJV - And he said to [them] all, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

I can not do ANYTHING apart from Him.

Jhn 15:4 ESV - Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.

Jhn 15:5 ESV - I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.

Jhn 15:6 ESV - If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned.

I'm not abiding in Him. I'm abiding in my fear. I'm not taking up my cross each day and crucifying my fearful flesh and losing my life for Him. I'm not surrendering ALL of myself. I'm holding back in my fear.

Oh man. I didn't see it. God help me. I've got to get my head and my heart around this.

Sister, always remember that when you would to do good evil will be present with you. But we were not given the spirit of fear unto bondage but of a sound mind. Sin desires to rule over you but you shall rule over it...through the spirit as the flesh profits nothing.

Luk 11:13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall [your] heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?

Gary

[enoob57]

This is hard to explain but I've been dealing with this for so long and I'm tired of trying to keep it inside. I need some help. Every time I start feeling close to God, these old feelings of rejection start up.

This was the start. When I was 5 years old I had a night terror of monsters coming through my window. I was crying and telling my mother and stepfather about the monsters coming into my room as though I were awake but I was still asleep. My mother said my eyes were open and I was talking and then I suddenly woke up and was very confused. I remember the dream but not speaking to my mother. Under the guise of staying to comfort me my stepfather abused me for the first time. I guess the monsters really did come into my room that night. From that point on I felt worthless and rejected. I would keep everyone at a distance.

I've come to understand that what occurred does not make me worthless. I still struggle with fear of rejection and social anxiety.

In such formative years all that is wrong came into you and you had no other way to deal with it other than internalize it without resolve... early youth has the wonderful innocence to blame one's self for the action of others... these two qualities are woven into the beginning fiber of your being and only God with time can remove them! The really neat thing to realize is that all that is not overcome when we are called to Him will be instantly removed in His presence- for no wrong thinking will pass this life now! I would think the truth that we all are delivered from the wretchedness of this place should harmonize healing no matter how deep the wound and the hope in this-> the daily entering into His presence within us as we draw nearer that becomes the increase of healing! It would best be understood that the real victim is the man who traded the love and trust you could have given him as a small child- for the moment and perversion of the whims of a dying body ... I think all of us who have held the love and trust of a child in our own hearts know the endless value that became reality in our own selves and we have that yet with us to day just as it was then... a glory the we were counted worthy by another to place their whole being in open defenseless posture without fear forming a love bond that can only understood by those who have been there and done that! So if in your heart if you could imagine what this man has traded-> for perhaps with God you can go to this place in your heart and truly ask from God there in the damaged section to forgive that man and deliver him from this death!

Before, I could never get close to God before because I couldn't accept that he really would save me or cared about me at all. I was finally able to accept and believe that God loves me and has saved me. It has been hard for me to relate to God as my father because my father left me at 3 months old and my stepfather abused me off and on for 10 years. My father told me years later if I had been a son he would have stayed. Being a daughter was something to be ashamed of but God has been helping me with that and this past few weeks especially I've felt the closest to God that I have ever felt. But now those feelings are starting again.

Jeannie there is love unimaginable yet to discover in God presence within us you have but to seek Him with all of you...YES... most importantly the damaged area as I am sure you have hidden your anger with God Who has allowed this to happen... say to Him Father will you go here with me where I am injured and You and I talk about this... you must make this personal journey with God to this scared place of unresolved thought and destruction for we your family can only pray for the outcome but you and God the straightening... Prayed...

This time it is thoughts like you should just leave the board. You can't get close to anyone. Don't bother others with your problems. You should figure it out on your own. Things like that. I will second guess each post I do make for fear of rejection. I have never even ventured into chat. I get lonely and I am tired of this. My husband is a wonderful man but I don't want to burden him with this more than I have and though he believes in God and supports my walk with God, he is not walking with me right now. I guess I just want to talk to believers about this. How will I speak boldly and be a witness for Jesus when I am stuck with the same stupid fear of rejection that I have been carrying around forever? How can I love my neighbor as myself when my neighbor scares the crud out of me for fear of rejection? I love at a distance. How pathetic is that?

I know that God will help me move past this. I'm just frustrated with those same old fears showing up and I just wanted to talk to someone who may understand. If you've read all this, thank you for listening. I've never told all of this to anyone else before. Please pray that I will get over it already.

Your sister in Christ,

Jeannie

You have been wise in letting out this burden as we all now can say Father please for Jeannie our sister and your beloved Son's glory! Remember to always keep

the reality there are many, MANY, who have passed through this same filth of sin and it is the reason God's anger will never cease with those who trade The Life His

Son offers... for that! Oh! And don't be surprised when God journeys with you into this place within that you find He knows the way quite well ... for He always waits upon

us to come to Him with the need so His answer will perform His desire of healing! Love, Steven

[JeannieC]

Thank you Steven. I honestly thought that this all had been resolved before I came back to God. Boy, was I wrong. God is showing me that I have been mistaken about a great many things but He is here and He will help me if I will trust Him and keep my eyes on Him. I will pray. I will ask Him to take me to these places of unresolved pain and I can forgive and He can heal. I'm tired of walking around this mountain.

I've been studying the OT and at first I thought it was to read the first few books, get more familiar with the OT but yesterday as I began Deuteronomy and Moses was talking about the children of Israel and those 40 years in the wilderness I realized that I'm in my own wilderness. God has given me the promised land but like the children of Israel, I've been saying yes God but then looking at the obstacles, the giant and the huge walled cities. I would read and think God is living with them. How can they keep messing up? I'm a hypocrite! Here I have God living inside me and I have been messing up. Or at least I thought I had His Holy Spirit. Maybe, I haven't had His Holy Spirit living in me like I thought I did. If I understand the last couple of replies, it sounds as though if I have been living with the fear, I can't also have been living with His Holy Spirit since we are not given the spirit of fear? I thought I understood how that works but I seem to have been mistaken about most things that I thought I knew. I'm am confused but I know He has saved me and we will work all of this out. He will show me what I don't understand.

I will ask God again to fill me with His Holy Spirit and to keep me close to Him and show me where I am going wrong. I will keep asking and seeking and knocking. I won't stop asking because I can't stay this way now. It is come to light and I can't just put it all back and go on like nothing is wrong. I've actually been ill since yesterday so today I continue to pray. I'm not discouraged. I know He will help me. Things just feel really turned upside down right now.

[Miss Agapelove]

Dearest sister Jeanie..... that hug is for you who seems to be so upset & all confused at this moment in time.

I wish I could jump through this screen and give you a real..... I read how much advice you have been given and such love & Care as always from Brother Jacob.I just prayed to God to help me write something that will just help you some way ....

God gave me a little thought that you maybe find it hard to get close to God due the fact, the two fathers that you needed help and support and love from NEGLECTED you in every possible WAY!

This is why you are finding it possible to let God in.... I was wondering if you could get some help from someone in Church as you have been very BRAVE to share your burden with everyone here, so could you try and find the same COURAGE .....to share with your Pastor?

If he can understand how you are feeling inside this terrible burden & pain of your past hurts and nightmares then he can try find ways to STRENGTHEN YOU ?

I am quite sure that this cant be done by yourself dear sister, you need support and someone mature in Faith to allow healing to take place in your heart, I am sure that forgivness on such an Evil scale from your Fathers past actions will take a long time for you..... So please know that you have taken the biggest first steps already and God will be so happy that you have got past that first hurdle of FEAR!

Satan's best weapon against you to keep you locked up in that NIGHTMARE...of FEAR !

So well done sister, and I just prayed with an open heart that you will feel strong and take your second step now to tell your pastor ..... or your loving husband , what about asking him to go with you and share your heavy load and start to get help with your very heavy BURDEN.....

I shall be HOLDING YOU IN MY PRAYERS....

Love & Blessings your sister in Christ Tina x

[JeannieC]

Thank you so much for your hugs and support Tina. I agree with you that I have a hard time relating to God as a loving father because of my experience with fathers in my life. I've been fasting and praying today and I'm talking with God about what you mentioned. I'm feeling less confused and a bit more settled. Part of that confusion is just the overwhelming wash of memory and emotion that is front and center and it triggers all kinds of reactions so I realize my posts are somewhat scattered and raw.

I don't currently have a pastor. I am blessed with a loving and supportive husband who is a good father to our daughters so there is that healthy relationship as an example that I can learn from. My husband knows about my past though I didn't go into lots of detail but he understands what happened and how it has affected me. I will think about additional help maybe through a pastor or Christian counselor.

[JeannieC]

I just wanted to thank everyone for your help and support. You've helped prove that little lying voice wrong that said no one could care and that I shouldn't bother others. Now, I'm going to take what you've all shared and continue to pray over it and let God do His work in me. He has already saved me and I am confident that He will complete this work in me that He has started. I know He loves me and I know that He is going to teach me what that means and how to love completely and share that love with others. Though several years ago I accepted and come to terms with the abuse itself it is now time to let God show me and address the effect that abuse has had on my ability to get close to others. I just want to say that I am okay and I am going to take time to process and let God work. Thank you again to everyone for your help and prayers. I know I'm going to have an even more beautiful testimony when God is finished with this work.

[NeedYouLord]

Lord, You Are So Good...And I'm seeing with my own eyes a wonderful miracle...Whew...Talk about Powerful...Lord...Every post is filled with Your Word...and Your Truth...and Your Truth and Your Word Won't Return Void...It Will Go Forth and Do What You Intend For It To Do...In The Name of Jesus...

Every single thing that we go through doesn't look good at first...It's only in 20/20 hindsight can we see what just happened...I suppose it's Our Magnificient God's Way of teaching us to Trust Him...It's like I've put my whole self in Your Hands and I've never put myself in anybody's hands...Whew...But I reached a place and I'm willing to go to any length to be made whole...I went to any length before to do just what I wanted to do and it didn't work out...So Lord Here I Am...That's exactly what happened to me...I remember the time when I was letting go of some things...it felt like I was absolutely loosing my everything...I had had a crutch for 29 years that I couldn't let go of...the process was amazing...I lived through it when it didn't seem like I could...and just like Jake said...He put me back together without that crutch and I could walk...now sometimes I can even run...That's a miracle!!!

I commend you, Jeannie, for your bravery...I couldn't tell anybody about mine...and The One Thing That Has More Truth In It Than Anything Else That I Have Lived is exactly what you said earlier...I tried to stop doing what I was doing on my own and I couldn't...He had to take the desire from me...He had to take it from me...when I was willing...He took it...It's amazing...surrender is giving up...or so it's thought to be...and is partly...but when we so begin in earnest...This New Way of Life...Well...(It's like living in The Kingdom is Exactly Opposite of what we've always known) To Me Now Surrender is Taking On Strength, Faith, Love, Peace and Having Goodness and Mercy Follow Me All The Days of My Life and so much more...Being Changed...I Needed to Be Changed So Bad...and still do...Hahaha...At least now I can laugh sometimes...And there is so much Hope...The day will come when you won't be ashamed of not one word of your testimony and God will so empower it that it will save someone else's life!!! There are parts of mine now that this has come true...Do I wish that I had of been raised in "church" (I wasn't)...do I wish that I had not had to go through every single thing I went through...Sometimes, I wish these things...But most of all...Is The Truth That I Have Walked In: Our Testimony Can Change Other's Lives...When Told In Truth...And Only When We Are Ready and So Led To Share...Oh Lord...Bring Us Through To The Other Side of These Things That So Bind Us...Set Us Free As Only You Can...In The Name of Jesus, I Pray...Love In Him, Kathy

[JeannieC]

Kathy, Oh you are so right about reaching that point where we are willing to go to whatever length to be made whole. That's why I can't say it is bravery but rather such a frustration with myself that I just can't tolerate being this way any longer. I've been walking around in circles in this particular wilderness for almost 40 years and I'm ready to come out. Thank God that He is patient and loving.

Thanks Betty. I guess I don't really feel rejected by God but my fear of rejection is what gets in the way and prevents me from loving and trusting the way that I want to. I don't want to hold people at an arms length because I do love people but I get around people and I have a knee-jerk reaction and I'm hyper-vigilant to protect myself that the walls go up and I don't want that anymore. No matter what, I will keep on coming to God and He is helping me with this. I walked away once, and He was merciful and brought me back to Him. I won't be walking away again.

[JeannieC]

Hey guys. I just wanted to let you know that things are really changing. God is becoming so real to me and He's really showing me who He is and helping me to trust Him. I mean I really am able to trust Him now.

Last week had the potential to be cripplingly stressful and in the past, problems with my Mom and my adult daughter would have depressed me terribly but after I cried some, I started praying and praying hard and God gave me such peace. It was amazing! I accepted what was going on around me and I let it go. I didn't fret myself sick with worry and fall into depression. I actually trusted God to do His will in the lives of those that I love and my life.

I'm not as afraid either so I'm beginning to feel with my whole heart too sometimes and not holding part of it back to protect myself, if you get what I mean. He's even bringing people into my life that are helping me to learn and grow more and I've been able to talk and not run away and hide and then I realized that the awful feeling of shame that I've had that made me avoid people has diminished greatly. I guess that shame had a lot to do with that fear of rejection.

The best part is I feel His love. I really really feel it and I'm able to love Him back completely. I know I've still got some healing to do but I had to tell you guys what all has been going on. I did not know it could be like this. It is mind blowing. Thank you so much for praying for me.