should i stay or should i go?

[Guest hopefull messenger]

Hi! My name is Jennifer and I am a divorced mother of two. I am in a relationship with a man with whom i am not married to. We have a son together and I have a six year old daughter from my previous marriage. He also has a daughter who is fourteen. We have been together for five years now. He asked me to marry him four years ago. We finally set a date for april 2005. We have had some problems with disiplining the children aand I personally and alot of other people think he is too hard on my child and not hard enough on his. I have asked him not to spank her anymore and he is still doing it.He says that he doesn't want anything to do with her if he can't disipline her. Her father is hardly in the picture so she sees him as her dad. She knows she has another dad but,she calls them both her dad. His daughter comes over every other weekend or whenever she wants really.But I have been having a problem with her also. My daughter aggravates her and I get on to my daughter and tell her to leave her alone. My daughter has finally started listening to me. But not too long ago she was trying to play fight with his daughter cause they do that sometimes. Anyways his daughter slapped my child in the face and left a red mark. I got really upset because she is alot bigger than my child and I have told her to come and tell me if she does something to her. She in the past has hit my child back several times and I end up getting on to the both of them and my fiance doesn't let his daughter know that she is wrong for hitting instead he lets her think that it is ok. I have been leaving and going to my mothers house when his daughter comes over because of all this. Well over the thanksgiving holidays she came to my mothers house and my child and her cousins we're running and chasing eachother and my daughter accidentally stepped on her foot.(I know this because there was an unbiased person in the room at the time)Well my daughter went to say she was sorry and his daughter took both of her hands and pushed my child and she made her hit her head on a disc drive that someone was holding and she started crying. Well I started to get on to my daughter for not appologizing(cause I assumed she didn't) and the person who saw it let me know that she did say sorry. So I instead began to get onto her,well instead of her father backing me up on this he says that my child is being overdramatic. That was besides the point. My childs head did hurt. I just really don't know what to do in this situation anymore! But I cannot allow it to continue. I have told him that we have to go to counseling if we are going to get married and that his daughter needs to go with us. I really feel like she hates my child. And he said that she didn't have like my child and that they don't have to be friends. He is condoning her behaviour and not my childs behaviour .And he does this in front of his child and it is sending a message to my child that she is a lower person than his daughter. It is causing my child problems mentally. His daughter also is a real smartelic to me and to him and anyone around her. I get onto her for it but he allows it. I talk to him about it and he starts yelling at me. I wonder if counseling will even work at this point!! Any advice would help!! Thanks

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

first of all this man has assaulted your daughter he has no right to do this and you need to point this out to him, secondly you both need to sit down and be honest with eachother, if you dont this relationship will fail and to be honest i hope it does because he is not the man for you dont just think of today what will he be like in a years time after you are married even worse will he start to hit you, my opinion is get out now this will be hard but you need to be rid of him

[carlos123]

Hi Jennifer,

You've received some good advice on this thread but I couldn't help but notice that no one has asked you about your relationship to God and what that is like and thought I would ask. Many of the problems you have mentioned are a result of the choices that others have made and are making but some of them seem to be the result of choices that you have made.

You are reaping the consequences of those choices Jennifer. Whether as a result of choices made by others such as your husband to be or as a result of your own, such as getting involved with him in the first place.

It is unrealistic to believe that your situation will greatly improve unless you are willing to yield to God in your heart, surrender your life to Him, and trust Him. I say this only because it seems evident by virtue of the choices you have made that you have not been following the Lord. He would not have guided you to get involved and to stay involved with your husband to be.

May I ask if you are willing to share, how you became a Christian Jennifer? And what your relationship with God has been like in recent times?

Any genuine and long lasting help for your situation starts and ends with Him.

You mentioned that you had met your husband to be at church which is all well and good I suppose but going to church does not for a Christian make any more than entering a football stadium makes one a football player. Do you know if he is a Christian? If you think he is, on what basis do you believe that?

Carlos

[Guest dorijr]

Hi Jennifer,

You've received some good advice on this thread but I couldn't help but notice that no one has asked you about your relationship to God and what that is like and thought I would ask.  Many of the problems you have mentioned are a result of the choices that others have made and are making but some of them seem to be the result of choices that you have made. 

You are reaping the consequences of those choices Jennifer.  Whether as a result of choices made by others such as your husband to be or as a result of your own, such as getting involved with him in the first place. 

It is unrealistic to believe that your situation will greatly improve unless you are willing to yield to God in your heart, surrender your life to Him, and trust Him.  I say this only because it seems evident by virtue of the choices you have made that you have not been following the Lord.  He would not have guided you to get involved and to stay involved with your husband to be.

May I ask if you are willing to share, how you became a Christian Jennifer?  And what your relationship with God has been like in recent times? 

Any genuine and long lasting help for your situation starts and ends with Him.

You mentioned that you had met your husband to be at church which is all well and good I suppose but going to church does not for a Christian make any more than entering a football stadium makes one a football player.  Do you know if he is a Christian?  If you think he is, on what basis do you believe that? 

Carlos

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Guest dorijr]

My relationship with god is great!! However I am human. And I have committed a horrible sin. But,I have not been intimate with my Fiance since I have been going to church,faithfully for six months. I have been under conviction and I couldn't get closer to god until I cut that out of my life. I felt like god was telling me that it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. Anyhow I have been praying to god and I haven't got an answer from him or so I thought that I hadn't. I Just wasn't listening and was told by people(his mother) that I shouldn't leave him. And that my child just needs extra discipline because she does things wrong more than the other kids. Which now I know better and I understand that I should have never let other people influence my life the way that I have. I don't blame anyone for my own actions. I am angry at him for how he has treated my child. I was really confused about staying or leaving because of the fact that we live like we're married but we're not married. Which I know that us getting involved before marriage has caused alot of this. I know now that god wants me to leave. He wouldn't want my children exposed to what their living in right now. I have to stay until after christmas because I don't want to be a burden to anyone.but I am leaving and I am going to counseling with my kids. Thank you for your response. He is supposed to be a christian but sometimes I wonder. He refers to himself as jesus or god sometimes. He says things like what if I was jesus. Or if he is putting someone down (which he often does) and I say something to him about it and he says stuff like well,Jesus called a woman a dog. It is crazy because I never wanted to teach my children to hate and by him doing this it is teaching them exactly what I don't want them being taught. When I met him he was different. He was a very loving,kind person. Well ,Thank you for your post. Love in christ

[carlos123]

Hi Jennifer,

...He is supposed to be a christian but sometimes I wonder.

Thanks for sharing more of what is happening Jennifer. I appreicate that and respect the courage that it is taking for you to openly admit some of what you have done.

May I ask, since you don't seem very certain of his being a Christian, what you personally think it means to be one Jennifer?

Along the same lines may I ask whether or not Jesus Christ is presently your Lord?

Carlos

Edited December 20, 2004 by carlos123

[Guest dorijr]

Yes,I am . I believe a christian is someone who follows christs ways and serves the lord. Someone who wants to be a better person in live and live by good morals. Someone who has ask for jesus to come into their heart. Someone who believes jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again. I asked god into my heart when I was ten years old. I somehow lost my way. but I found it again. And I am thatnkful. Thanks again,Love in christ

[carlos123]

Hi Jennifer,

Yes,I am . I believe a christian is someone who follows christs ways and serves the lord. Someone who wants to be a better person in live and live by good morals. Someone who has ask for jesus to come into their heart. Someone who believes jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again. I asked god into my heart when I was ten years old. I somehow lost my way. but I found it again. And I am thatnkful. Thanks again,Love in christ

Thanks so much for clarifying things a bit more Jennifer. My one desire is that God might enable you to see Him through what is shared on this thread and that those of us who are giving you input might be given wisdom to know what to share and when to share it. With the end result that you will find true help from God to help you in your current difficulties. Please don't let anything I say below make you think otherwise. I want what is best for you period and share what I do toward that end.

Since any real help must begin and end with a relationship with God I would like to bring up some things for you to think about if I might, regarding what you shared about what it means to be a Christian. Some of what you said makes me wonder if you do indeed have a relationship with God Jennifer. Here's why....

You said a christian is "someone who follows christs ways and serves the Lord." While it is a noble and good thing to follow Christ's ways and serve the Lord as best we know how, that alone is not what being a Christian is all about Jennifer. Before I became one I too would have said that I was following Christ's ways and serving the Lord. But I was not a Christian and had absolute no trusting relationship with God at all. I was trusting myself in life and to be good enough to save myself by my own effort in doing good. If I might be more to the point with you Jennifer you have not been folllowing Christ's ways and serving the Lord by the choices you have made in recent times. So if that is indeed the way to be a Christian I think neither you or I could call ourselves Christians Jennifer.

You also said..."Someone who wants to be a better person in live and live by good morals." To this I would repeat a phrase that has a lot of truth in it Jennifer. Namely that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. A desire to be a better person and to live by good morals does not cut it either. Many people have had all kinds of desires to be better persons and to live by good morals yet more often than not their desires have come to nothing. As is evident by the kinds of choices you have made in recent times. Your desire has undoubtedly been there but both you and I have not followed through with our desires 100% so as to actually end up being neccesarily better or living by good morals. According to God's standard of holiness our desires for doing what is right amount to nothing when weighed against the wrong choices we actually end up making Jennifer. We cannot be saved by desiring to do and be better. That is not the way either.

Let me if I may comment on the next phrase you shared Jennifer to describe what a Christian is. Namely "Someone who has ask for jesus to come into their heart." This phrase is often thrown around in Christian circles yet I must ask you what that phrase means? What does it mean to ask Jesus into one's heart? If we say "Jesus come into my heart" while continuing to live for ourselves and enjoying the taste of sin here and there all the while believing that because we have "asked Jesus to come into our hearts" that we will be okay and be saved we are greatly deceived Jennifer. Asking Jesus into our hearts is not a magical phrase or prayer that will result in our being saved if we have not at the same time come to recognize our utterly lost state before a holy God and yielded to Him as God while trusting in the blood of Christ to pay for our sins.

"Someone who believes jesus died on the cross for our sins and rose again." Many people "believe" today but what we mean by "believe" today is not at all what is neccessary to be saved Jennifer. We "believe" that God loves us yet we grumble in our hearts when He allows circumstances in our lives that we do not like. We "believe" that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and that He will provide for us yet we run around like chickens with our heads cut off and sick with worry wondering where our next meal will come from in times of need. This kind of "belief" is not enough to save us Jennifer. To believe in the sense that the Bible talks about is to lean on God's Word to be true and stake our lives on it. As though it was true. Faith (or belief) without works is dead Jennifer. It is not even there. It is an acknowledgement of certain facts as being true without a corresponding willingness to live by them. While you might say that you believe jesus died on the cross for yours sins Jennifer and that he rose again your life has not been demonstrating a genuine faith in that to be true. The question is whether or not you have ever surrendered yourself to Jesus as God and come to a place of truly trusting in what He did for you on the cross such that you have responded by giving yourself to Him and living for Him.

Lastly you say ... "I somehow lost my way. but I found it again". Jennifer none of us somehow looses our way in life and then somehow finds it again. We are responsible before God of loosing our way by the choices that we make. We are responsible before a holy God for loosing our way. As such we must take personally responsibility for having taken our eyes off God, assuming we ever had them on Him, confessing our wrong, and with a heart of brokeness and yieldedness to God embracing the forgiveness that is to be found in Jesus. Such that we can stand up and walk with God again. Have you ever Jennifer taken responsibility for your own sinfulness?

The Bible says that ....

Romans 3:11

there is no one who understands,

no one who seeks God. All have turned away,

they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good,

not even one.Their throats are open graves;

their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.

Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.Their feet are swift to shed blood;

ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know.

There is no fear of God before their eyes.

Edited December 22, 2004 by carlos123

[Guest dorijr]

carlos, I have a wonderful relationship with god. Idid not go into detail with you about it. I didn't know I needed to do that. I have taken responsibility for my actions as stated before. If you read my previous post you will see that! I want the lord to have control over my life. Life is not about me it is about the lord. I have to show my children the right way to go. That is one of my gifts god has given me. I know going to church does not make you a christian first hand. But it is good to congregate with other christians. And to surround your children with god. I had a problem in my home because of the choices that I made . This is the reprocusions of not being married first before a relationship. I take full responsibility for my actions. I love god and I have surrendered my soul to him. Things are still hard . Trying to get out of your old habits. But I'm doing it. I came on here for advice about whether I should stay with the man I am with and marry him next year or should I leave because he init picks my child and allows his child to do whatever she wants. I think I should leave. But I did not want to leave and god not want me too. So that is the reason I came on here. Not being married to him has caused alot of confusion on my part. I now know what god wants for me and my children. I thank you for being concerned. Love in christ.

[carlos123]

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for your added input Jennifer. Although it was difficult for me to share what I did, since I was somewhat concerned as to how you might take it, I felt it was better to share it and take the risk of it being taken in a way I did not intend than not. I am thankful that you seem to have taken it well.

carlos, I have a wonderful relationship with god. Idid not go into detail with you about it. I didn't know I needed to do that.

Just so you know Jennifer I am not connected with the board in any way in any official capacity. I am just another member of the forum, just like you, posting my thoughts on it. So please don't feel that you need to do anything in terms of posting details about your relationship to God. You are free to post as much or as little as you want to. I hope I did not lead you to think otherwise .

I am still somewhat concerned about your relationship to God Jennifer but I am not sure that I should share any more unless you give me permission to do so either through PM (private message or on this thread).

Have a great day!

Carlos

[Charisse48]

Hey Jenn,

I read your post and I tried to put myself in your spot. I love my kids very much and I think it would be hard for me to marry some one who acted like they were playing favorites with the kids. I had step sisters and I hated the way their mother treated them over us. I have to say it was the worst years of my life. I would keep praying like you are and see how God guides you. If its going on now I don't see how it will change after your married. I would go into it with your eyes wide open. May God lead you has you make your very important decision.

Charisse