Guest Posted October 12, 2020 Share Posted October 12, 2020 On 5/28/2018 at 1:09 PM, HikerMom said: Copied and pasted this post of mine from another thread... Just wanted to write down my thoughts right now on the insomnia I am dealing with....Larry 2 , I am hoping you will see this and possibly respond. You are one of the few people who has ever been able to understand when I share this journey. If you don't see this then I suppose it will work as a journal for me. It is always helpful to look back and see how we have grown. My insomnia started when my daughter went through a suicidal period a few years ago. She is gay and atheist, and whenever she has a breakup the fallout is just devastating. Every breakup seems worse than the last, and she barely survived the last one. She isn't a dramatic person and so by the time I hear about it, things are pretty bad. She has been dating her current girlfriend for over two years and recently moved in. They are moving out of state to attend the same graduate school. And my daughter has been talking more about her depression and anxiety. So I imagine I am likely to have to go through this again in the future. When she became suicidal, I apparently was trying to control and prevent the suicide by praying too hard. And so I started jerking awake. Eventually after she improved, I became afraid of the insomnia. I tried so hard to fix it. I made myself really, really ill doing that. A counselor said to me that what God wanted from me in this was to try not to fix it or figure it out. I am so much improved from last year. But I am hurting badly today and the last few days. This ironic thing has happened where I am afraid to try to fix anything (thinking God wants me to apply this lesson in other areas!) or else I will not sleep. But the very act of not trying to fix thing ends up being me trying to fix the sleep. One of the major things I try to work on is my health struggles. But then I become afraid that working on it is costing me sleep, and so I think you can imagine the vicious cycle I get in. I try to remind myself that I do believe that God wants to fix this but there is something more important for me right now than sleep. I just feel like such a failure at understanding what He wants from me in this. I want to sleep so badly. And yet I believe He loves me and is doing this for my good... Anxiety will sometimes hit me during the day. Usually, ignoring it turns out the best. I don't always know why it hits, though I suspect it is usually fear about not sleeping. Sometimes I try to think if I have tried to problem solve my heath issues or other things too much and if that is the source of the anxiety...always hoping I can stop doing something if it is producing anxiety in my life....Then I become afraid to do things thinking I will make my sleep worse. I never know whether I might be trying to fix something and that causes a problem or if I am actually unconsciously trying to fix the sleep.... I think probably when I am afraid to do something then I need to do it anyway because the fear is really just about the sleep. I don't know... A few months ago, I would sing my favorite Christian songs when I couldn't sleep or sometimes I would say a verse in my head.....but it made things worse. I suspect I was unconsciously trying to fix the sleep just as I was trying to fix my daughter's struggles with prayer. So now I have to stop myself whenever I start to sing at night. It's just such a nice distraction from thinking, but I guess it is me trying to fix the anxiety which always makes things worse! So then I get upset and I often ask God to take control of my thoughts. He usually pulls my mind off everything and then I usually get 6 or so hours of sleep. This probably sounds completely crazy!!! I am thankful for any encouragement you might have...This is such a difficult journey and just when I think it is about to end then things get worse again... Your sister in Christ, jen My battle with insomnia began in earnest when I retired. I hate laying awake not being able to sleep. My wife is a "nite owl" which doesn't help. Absolute quiet does not work. Melatonin 10 mg helps if something else is added to it. Black and White movies that I've seen before help, reading helps, but even all this I'll probably lay awake 2 hours before I sleep. It's frustrating. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HikerMom Posted October 12, 2020 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 7 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 94 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 81 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/31/2017 Status: Offline Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 I am sorry you are struggling and pray you are better soon Saved. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marathoner Posted October 12, 2020 Group: Royal Member Followers: 16 Topic Count: 71 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 10,125 Content Per Day: 7.06 Reputation: 13,076 Days Won: 97 Joined: 05/24/2020 Status: Offline Share Posted October 12, 2020 My experience with insomnia has been similar to yours in some ways, @HikerMom. I started suffering from it during early childhood; most of my dreams were nightmares and I would dread closing my eyes out of fear. After the nightmares subsided it was a matter of my mind being "too busy" and so I would lie awake for hours while everyone else in the house was sleeping. My robust imagination wasn't much help with the anxiety, I'm afraid. Little did I know how this set me up for success in the military. My ability to remain awake was invaluable because the small hours are when the enemy is most likely to strike; I didn't fall asleep on duty so I was the commander's choice to keep watch until the sun rose the following day. I preferred the solitude and my autistic fixation upon the environment was another factor working in my favor: the noise, motions, and human activities of daylight overwhelmed my senses but the night is the ideal setting for them to flourish. After the military, insomnia was a detriment which deprived me of much-needed sleep. I wrestled with sleeplessness for decades; I would force myself to stay awake for 24 hours in order to reset my sleep cycle which worked for a time until it inexorably drifted off course. This is how things were until that day when, once more, I found myself watching and waiting for the enemy in the darkness. Little did I know how this set me up for success. I became the guardian of a widow abandoned to her fate in the high desert far removed human habitation. It was rugged and unforgiving country similar to the mountains of Afghanistan, infested with rattlesnakes and predators prowling in the night; we were strangers at first but grew close through the bond of friendship forged in the crucible of dark times. My ability to remain awake was a boon which served us well in that wilderness land... the criminals who vowed to take her life found me ready and waiting. I heard them but they were oblivious to my comings and goings in the dark. Insomnia proved to be a double-edged sword, my friend: well-suited for the sentinel in the night but disastrous for one who labors under the sun. My friend would handle morning chores while I slept, leaving strenuous work for me when I arose in the vicinity of noon. The fact that she could sleep safe and sound overnight kept me going, sister. I derived much satisfaction from this knowledge. These days I manage insomnia with great success. My work requires me to rise early and so I've adjusted my sleep cycle to meet those demands, giving myself leeway during time off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HikerMom Posted October 12, 2020 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 7 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 94 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 81 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/31/2017 Status: Offline Author Share Posted October 12, 2020 @Marathoner Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad you have found the blessings and are managing things well. One day we will be in heaven where all the trials will cease. Blessings and prayers and THANK you for your service to our country!!!!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts