Dysfunctional families

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Unit 11 said:

 

I have an older brother who tormented me growing up, criticizing my every move, comparing me unfavorably with himself and his friends. They were OK, I wasn't. "Uncool," "uncoordinated," "deserve to be horsewhipped," "will never have a girlfriend," etc. etc. And this continued into our adulthood. I could never visit him without him tearing into me about something out of the clear blue sky, so I was like "What? Huh?" Every visit he would start a fight about something, accuse me of something--always, the accusations. No one else ever did this, just him.

Strangely, he would call me up on the holidays and almost beg me to visit, invoking Family and so on. I finally begged out, ended up relocating across the country, and haven't seen him in years. It's a relief. 

From my own experience, I would tell you two things. One, you are under no obligation to put up with anyone who abuses you. I don't believe your Creator expects you to keep going back to them, lying down and letting them trample on you. Turning the other cheek doesn't mean having to go back to people who you know are gonna slap you.

One thing I wish I'd thought to tell my brother back then, when he talked about how I needed to be with his family who were my "blood kin," is: "If a visit without a verbal assault is too much to ask, then me associating with your family is also too much to ask."

The second is something related by C.S. Lewis. You forgive someone--repeatedly if you gotta--by thinking, "I would that they were the way God wants them to be." Somehow that's always helped.

Our Creator does cause all things to work together for his people. That just came to mind.

Hope this helps!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Unit 11

Yes it does help, thankyou. To know i am not alone in having a monstrous family. One of my brothers just hates me and has never approved of anything i have done. He is very materialistic and says God and love of any kind doesn't exist. That you only have yourself to depend upon. What an empty bleak outlook!  Yet i do not need nor seek his approval. I now avoid him as does the rest of the family. I pray for him to find Jesus and be changed.  

 

 

 

 

[Starise]

Some of you have gone through some horrendous things at the hands of family. While in some cases I guess there would be problems no matter what, adding the Christian vs non-Christian variable into it is inevitably not going to end well. Sort of comes with the territory. Not that this knowledge ever makes it easier to bear.

Have you ever noticed that even people who are easy to get along with out in the world, when they get home all bets are off. I include myself here since I don't tend to show my inner feelings to people who are not close to me. That tired unhappy little boy sometimes comes out after a long day or early in the morning when I'm hit with a bunch of unexpected pressures. " Honey, there's a water leak in the hallway". Me- " Ugh " Or I get 10 miles down the road and she says, "Did you remember that so and so on the counter". The answer is almost always no. I didn't remember it, why are you reminding me now when we are 10 miles down the road?  Remember this is like 6 in the morning and I'm not fully awake. I then walk in the door and the boss asks me how I am. " I'm doing just fine. thanks." Inwardly I just want to go home and go back to bed for a few hours lol. I don't really want to be here today. At work everything is WONDERFUL, at church everything is WONDERFUL, when in reality we are holding all of these feelings inside. 

My point being, home is the place where we let our hair down. The good and the bad. Families are often together at home so I think this is relevant. I just wanted to bring this out because it isn't only unsaved families that are having issues. I think some Christian families go through some of it too. I have talked with Pastors who I am close to who admit to having bad fights with their wives on the way to church. They feel they need to cover it up because they are supposed to be spiritual pillars. Where's lylith? ( not her real name) ...oh she wasn't feeling well today. Lilith is at home thinking to herself, " that old grump can go by himself to church today".  Can you imagine trying to preach a message as a pastor having gone through a rumble like that right before the service? Praise Jesus. Good is good all the time * I want to crawl under a rock * .

I hesitate to admit it, but as a WL I had some really bumpy mornings, yet we are supposed to be "in character" when we go up. My way of dealing with was to say. It isn't about me. It never was. This is about you Lord. Use me in spite of it. He always did. Yet still I felt very guilty leading others to worship when I needed to get my act together.

So yes......we as Christians can let our families become dysfunctional. We are not immune either. Being Christian is not a ticket to the perfect family. Children will sometime rebel, They might hate you for dragging them to church. Husbands and wives will occasionally clash...sometimes it's more than occasionally. Different couples have different ways they try to deal with it. We still have a sin nature. When mine comes out it isn't a pretty thing to behold and I'm not proud of that. 

[Starise]

5 minutes ago, Chicken coop2 said:

Blood is thicker than oil. Well, so is used motor oil.  Which one would you prefer to use to make your coffee? 

I just want mama to be happy..........which means I can't make her unhappy if I can help it.

Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy

Papa ain't happy. That isn't good either.

Both mama and papa unhappy....RUN!

[Marathoner]

The sister ahead of me is a believer; she was the first of my flesh and blood siblings to call upon Christ. This occurred soon after she married her husband, a businessman who attended a Baptist church to maintain contacts in the community (his words). 

My late father grew up with the Baptist church in the American South, playing a variety of instruments in the music ministry. He became disillusioned with church life (hypocrisy was rampant) and by the time my father enlisted in the Army, he had turned his back on church. 

My late mother was raised Roman Catholic but was a "latent" Catholic by the time I was born (she didn't attend Mass). My parents clashed fiercely where matters of faith were concerned, reaching a consensus after my eldest sister was born: there would be no mention of such things in the home. My mother in particular despised evangelical churches; my father, on the other hand, remained silent. He kept his opinions to himself for many years, opening up to me later in life when I was an adult. 

The description of your older brother reminds me of my older sister, @Starise. Coming to Christ didn't affect much change in her so I pray for her sake, that the Lord might deliver my sister from whatever is tormenting her. All of us suffered abuse and neglect as children so this tempers my understanding and makes it easier to forgive her vitriolic tongue and disagreeable manner. I'm confident that we'll be reconciled in Christ when the day comes. 

 

[Starise]

Marathoner ,I will certainly pray for her. Our stories are really that similar but the out comes appear to have been similar.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to expose all of this but I guess I will, so long as someone doesn't find something to hold against me over it at a later time.

I came from a family of 5 siblings. One died from a swing blow to the head at 2 years old. I never seen her face to face since I was born right after her funeral.  I was the next to come along. Two of us were born about 1o years after the 1st two, so we had an age gap. I have three sisters and one brother. I am the oldest. My next older sister is only a year behind me. The other sister and brother being much younger weren't as actively involved in exactly the same events as me and my older sis were.

I'm not exactly sure when my mother became a Christian, but I think she was definitely a Christian when I was born. She became a very solid member of her church and I was always in tow with the rest of us to the church. 

My Dad OTOH was not a Christian at all. He had met my mother while in the Navy in Calif. We lived in the deep south when he got out of the Navy. My dad was the type to frequently be at the bars in the evenings. He was of the mentality that the women kept the house and cooked while he worked to provide. He let her tend to the church things. He had no real interest in church. This was true right up until he died so far as I could tell. He wasn't a bad person, but he was a stern disciplinarian. No sit in the corner from him. It was a serious belt lashing if he thought you needed it. I don't mean a little hit or two. I thought I was going to die.

So my mother "escaped" to the church while my dad "escaped" to the bar. This seemed to be working for a little while until my dad met women at the bar. Things went downhill from there. I remembered listening in to a conversation that should have been private where he told my mother he couldn't handle her "religious" stuff and was leaving her for another woman.He went through two other woman besides that one. My older sister and I were getting old enough to leave home by then so that's what I did. Unfortunately for my younger siblings they had to endure a life of poverty because the bread winner left my poor mother to take care of them. As you might imagine this really played havoc with our family. During all of this the house we lived in caught fire and burned. My dad wasn't there because he had remarried someone else. A person from her church had a camper ( a pop up ) she lived in for probably two years on the property with my younger siblings. Apparently there was no insurance to rebuild the house. The lived like gypsies while my dad partied it up with another woman. Needless to say, I had very little respect for my dad. Several years later he came back and my mother took him back. I still can't believe she did it. I don't think I would have. Shortly after that she died of cancer. 

Us kids got into a lot of trouble. One of my sisters was promiscuous and sort of hopped around to a few men and had kids to two of them. She has since given her life to the Lord but doesn't stay close to a church. I call her from time to time. My younger sis married a man 20 years older than her. Unbelievably things were ok until he eventually died leaving her with no means of support. She sort of went "wild" after that getting into drug use, she has had a few younger men in her life recently and I think she's married now. I don't stay in touch with her. I thought she was a Christian but I really don't know. 

I ended up getting hooked on pornography at a young age I had found the older kids in my neighborhood left in the woods. I picked it up and became obsessed with it. Looking back it was a sort of comforting escape. It wasn't really comforting though because I was miserable. As a Christian I knew it was sinful and the guilt alone was tearing me up but I couldn't seem to quit. I would confess it, then want to look at it again. It's a terrible cycle. It renders Christians useless. I just heard today that 25% of Christian men admit to being actively involved in pornographic use. I finally have a grasp on it. Not that I couldn't slip again. I gave it to the Lord and He has helped me deal with it. How much of that is related to my family I can't say. I think it was mainly ME at fault. It hurts to admit to my wife I was involved in it. She took it really hard and it was hard for me to see her hurt. That addiction started back during those turbulent times.

[JohnR7]

15 hours ago, Starise said:

Shortly after that she died of cancer. 

 

I think Cancer comes from unresolved conflict within a person. 

[JohnR7]

On 9/27/2020 at 2:39 AM, Melinda12 said:

we generally find life a lot easier to keep well away from each other.

Jesus tells us:   "A man’s enemies will be the members of his own household". (Matthew 10:36) This explains a lot to us. 

[Guest PinkBelt]

On 9/27/2020 at 2:39 AM, Melinda12 said:

Mine is. My brothers are stone hearted atheists. I cannot bear their company and we generally find life a lot easier to keep well away from each other. They pour scorn on me being a Christian and treat me as if i am simple in the head

I know i must pray for them. I do, daily. A few times i tried to tell them but am always met with a brick wall. I always feel derailed and awful inside after any contact with them. The only thing that connects us is that we have to cooperate in order to take care of our elderly ailing parents. When they are gone i look forward to never seeing my brothers again. Sadly. I have tried but accept failure. We truly cannot get on and have nothing else in common. 

Is it ok to pray for people you do not like and yet ask God to keep them away from you? It really bothers me. 

I'm a psychologist who specializes in family estrangement. I have a hard time believing that you have done nothing to cause this rift with your siblings and they are just these horrible atheists pouncing on you needlessly. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I have never seen a single case of sibling estrangement where both parties aren't at fault.

I hope you repair your relationship if possible. There is no sense in carrying anger inside, and the bible commands you to make peace.
 

Matthew 5:22-24 (NIV)

²² But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca, is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

[Guest]

47 minutes ago, PinkBelt said:

I'm a psychologist who specializes in family estrangement. I have a hard time believing that you have done nothing to cause this rift with your siblings and they are just these horrible atheists pouncing on you needlessly. I'm not saying it's impossible, but I have never seen a single case of sibling estrangement where both parties aren't at fault.

I hope you repair your relationship if possible. There is no sense in carrying anger inside, and the bible commands you to make peace.
 

Matthew 5:22-24 (NIV)

²² But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca, is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.

²³ “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

Oh absolutely. I am not totally innocent. There has been plenty of anger both ways over our lives. But my brothers are holding on to great anger over the way we all had to live with our appallingly mismatched parents. There was hatred, violence and misery all through our childhood and beyond. But i have found Lord Jesus and peace and strength. My brothers remain atheists and have nowhere to turn. So they torture each other. I now pray for them privately, and avoid them and their toxicity. The one brother is especially awful, we all keep away from him. He curses God openly. He rages at everyone. He has lots of money, but knows not how spiritually poor he is. You cannot speak to him. I bet loads of demons reside in him. When he found out i am a Christian he unleashed special verbal rages my way. I fear for his sanity. Hatred bitterness resides in our toxic family. I have no hope of any reconciliations. No cosy warm endings. Just a neutral civility breaks out now and again. 

Our father has dementia,in a home now, unaware of the devastation his appalling behaviour caused. Through Jesus i forgave him and have a sweet peaceful relationship with him now he's close to death. Nobody else knows of this, nobody else visits him. They hate him. My mother made sure of that. She is a domineering highly needy woman who has succeeded in ensuring my brothers have no families of their own, she remains their focus. I escaped. Married , have a family. I really don't like her but i respectfully do all i can for her. I pray and forgive her. When she dies, none of us will ever see each other again. It really really is best. Maybe then my brothers will each find the Lord and peace at last after a lifetime of toxic warfare. 

Does that clarify it? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Starise]

5 hours ago, JohnR7 said:

I think Cancer comes from unresolved conflict within a person. 

Maybe emotions exacerbate it. I think diet is a huge contributor. I have wondered similar. Much of cancer is genetic disposition.  I also had "have" cancer. I've already written way more about myself here than I should have. I won't go into great detail except to say I had it 4 years ago and it was treated. It wasn't detected after that for a long time. Now they see something chemically. It's much too small to locate. It isn't a threat to me at this stage. Hopefully not for a long long time.

Death is going to get us all in one way or another eventually. When I recently went for tests to a very reputable nationally recognized cancer center, the place was full to overflowing with people and it's a huge building. My church alone has at least three instances of it.  One of them is a person in her 30's.In my last church one person recently died from it.  Unless we know a lot of people or aren't seeing those treated , we might have no idea how many people are affected. It's way way more than I ever knew. Right now the pandemic sort of over shadows it.